Lord, help me to know You more.

I can't figure anything out. I can't figure things out but I think nothing would be worse if I pursued You. I think I want to understand You and what You've said and what You say. I want to understand Your Word and I want to understand how You love.

I want to understand what I should, and I want to be how I should.

I want to understand so much. I'm grateful for Your patience (though I bet I don't actually trust it). I live by grace. I live because of grace and I continue to get along only by grace. And nothing good have I whereby Thy grace to claim so I'll wash my garments white in the blood of Calvary's Lamb. And truly, sinners plunged beneath that flood lose all their guilty stains. All of them. All of them. 

I need You so much more than I can express. I wish I could see You. I wish I knew Your heart. 

I need Your divine crowbar, the one that pries idols out of human hearts. I need You. I need something. I need to be taught how to pray. I crave the right kind of rest. I wonder what kind of Father You are. I wonder where You are, how far away exactly. 

I wonder how far away You are. I wonder how much I'm getting wrong. I wonder why I don't know You rightly. I long for You. Nothing else makes sense...and in some moments I feel I've lost it all anyways. 

What does Your Word say? What are You like? How can we have intimacy? How can I feel I'm enough? (How can feelings matter?) And how can I get these words out of my head?

How can I measure up so that You'll come near? What's missing? What am I doing wrong? And what's one more day? One more day of un-figured-out things, task to task, a prayer for eyes and a heart, a flashback, a longing, a distraction, task to task...a laugh, something light that takes me away, a solid conversation with a friend, task to task, dipping and darting to avoid the shadows. One more day to be dumb and ugly, to curse the mirror when I wake up, plead with it before I leave the house, and to avoid it til the next morning. What's one more day of dodging "how are you?" because I shouldn't have a big answer? What's another day to wait and try to push and try to stay on the narrow path and try to stop being so self-centred and try to do good and try to do more and try to HEAR YOU...??

Oh, what I would give.