From Latin meaning "entering the flesh again".

Yesterday, thinking about things I've done to deal with a persistent, difficult situation that started over two years ago, things I should have done differently, and things I very much regret, I re-realised that I seem to believe in reincarnation. The regret is so much bitterer because with hindsight I see how much extra damage I have probably done. (Of course, maybe nothing I did made it worse but I doubt it--and I'll never know.)

I think I first realised in my early twenties that I (seem to) believe in reincarnation when I recognised myself expecting to be able to do high school a second time, changing all the things I now regretted. I have a mirror (a mirrored partition) in my mind; I have a way of processing stages or life events as if what is happening or has happened is only the first time of more than one time. It seems unhealthy when I look at it but it's really hard to remove. I feel like I have the denial barrier of a schizophrenic when I consider the un-partitioned view. As in...I completely irrationally hold on to getting another chance because the thought of not being able to change or redo things ruins me. I cannot face it. I cannot face it.


That said, the Lord has made me less insane and unreasonable since my early twenties. It's getting microscopically better as I realise that my entire life is in God's hands and He will both judge and produce the merit of it.


But until I fully accept that, what am I to do with having only ONE life, only ONE Tuesday, 18 August, 2015?? How can I bear loss and mistakes and regrets and failure and missed opportunities? How can I make it to the end without any scars? How do I live a life that needs no doubling-back?

[Author's note: I went looking for a Scripture passage which would explain how God's grace covers all, and brings good things out of crummy things but none of the passages I could think of were clicking. I take a break from searching, deliberately putting the blog aside, to try to reset and come back fresh. "Not to Us" starts playing in my head. The song's thrust is lifted from Psalm 115: Not to us, LORD, not to us but to your name be the glory, because of your love and faithfulness. (v 1) I let the song continue to play and then the solar system shudders as gears grind and earth starts revolving around the sun--it doesn't matter what I do. It matters greatly what God does and what He is like.

This is not the antidote I had in mind. I wanted it to be that God covers or fixes our failures, He helps us overcome regret, He is the reason we don't need do-overs. (I really just wanted emotional balm.) But God changed my view.]

    Psalm 111

Praise the LORD.

I will extol the LORD with all my heart 

  in the council of the upright and in the assembly.

Great are the works of the LORD;

  they are pondered by all who delight in them.

Glorious and majestic are his deeds,

  and his righteousness endures forever.

He has caused his wonders to be remembered;

  the LORD is gracious and compassionate.

He provides food for those who fear him;

  he remembers his covenant forever.

He has shown his people the power of his works,

  giving them the lands of other nations.

The works of his hands are faithful and just;

  all his precepts are trustworthy.

They are established for ever and ever,

  enacted in faithfulness and uprightness.

He provided redemption for his people;

  he ordained his covenant forever--

  holy and awesome is his name.

The fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom;

  all who follow his precepts have good understanding.

To him belongs eternal praise.