a challenge (2)

Remember that person that you loved so much you wanted every and any chance to be with them? Any chance to get a remnant of them? Any chance to devote thought to them because they were simply too lovely? You’d want to be around them even in a bad mood – albeit at a distance – even when they seem to be deliberately hurting or neglecting you, you were just glad to be in their presence.

Why is it not the same with God?

the first day of classes 2005-2006

I only have two things to say to you:

(1) I barely saw Busy as Iwhizzed by it changing its tire on the side of the highway.

(2) I like to leave things until the day after The Last Minute has retired and its grandchildren have forgotten it.


(The second one did not actually come into play to-day; I have been getting surprizingly better with these things.)

One thought: I hope that I get to attend classes in a less tired state from hence forth because I noticed my comprehension has been down all day and my already sordid out-going side is all but completely stifled. I want to get to know my classmates but that aint happening when I am struggling to take notes, even.

It was a good first day. Why?

I am certainly going to enjoy both of my English classes (Shakespeare Receptions/Adaptations and Twentieth-Century Drama) because the professors are great - the kind just ooze their love for the subject they teach - the reading list is reasonable, and the class sizes are dece.

I will have a much harder time enjoying my music classes (Music History I and III [don't ask why I did both in one semester.. yikes]) because I find it difficult to absorb this kind of information for some reason. But there are redeeming qualitites: (a) I know cool people in both classes and (b) that the information itself is something that I am interested in (it's just the memorizing and understanding that is more difficult to achieve).

I met a cool girl during my lunch-o break.

We had a great preliminary first DG meeting at my house where we shared tales of our summers. God is good and that's basically all we were saying -- in many more words. And for the meeting, I made and ate some cool cinnamon buns that are like magic plus lovely.

I was able to hand in my remaining supporting documentation required for my OSAP entitlement in a manner far less painful than expected.


It was a crapper of a first day. Why?

I (consciously) broke one of the University's residence rules a week ago and I have a meeting regarding that on the morrow. The dread is KILLING me. Yikes. I'll tell you all about that Tuesday. I neeeed grace right here.

I found out something about a friend of mine that I had been wondering and praying about for the past couple of days that made me gasp, snapping my head around and then just hold my head in my hands in something like despair, unable to grasp the news. HOW will this be dealt with? WHEN will I get the full story first-hand? Tune in next blog to find out.


What else is there to say except that God is good and that if I stand on that, there is NO going wrong!


[Man, I don't understand my recent increase in usaages of the exclamation point. It's crazy.]

summarizing

One thing that three months away from home with 39 other God-obsessed students will certainly do is drive you toward excellence.

This summer God used me in ways that I did not expect. The stretching aspect of my experience was nowhere near as painful as I had anticipated but was instead more thrilling than anything. Do you know what it feels like to be in the right place at the right time doing the right thing because God Himself confirms it for you? That is amazing. That is life fulfillment captured in a moment. That moment, it could be the "Tell me [the] story," request when you ask a young girl if she understood what The Passion of the Christ was about. It could be the feeling of a rollicking, mirthful room in the palm of your hand making a perfect night for all. It could be the fresh, new believer who cannot stop thanking you for helping her with groceries and walking her to the subway because - though she was an infant in the kingdom of heaven - on Earth she's elderly and can barely understand the show of kindness she is experiencing with absolutely no strings attached. It could be fellow project members' look of disbelief in the eyes of their hungry stomachs that see hot blueberry pancakes under their nose, at their convenience. Maybe it's the neighbour who whose reaction to your offer to clean her kitchen uncannily mirrors man's reaction to God's offer to give you the abundant life (with a sweet after-party).

These kind of blessings (and more) squished into thirteen weeks are an ordeal I wish on everyone. Be advised: they do not always come in an explicit missionary setting abroad, so keep your eyes open...

God gave us an awesome gift in our disposition to be drawn to and driven by the relationships that we possess. It was not until this summer that I finally understood why people work so hard to build bonds with their Christian brothers and sisters. I met some of the greatest versions of man made in God's image that I am STILL blown away by what a privalege it is to have lived with these people. We need eachother. We are the Body and when we work together you/we will see your world the way God intended it.

declaration part two-point-one

My thoughts? Well, I owe you a blogging of my epiphany follwing last night's declaration and also, the difference between a call and a call to obedience is not as stark - or relevant - as I thought.

He called - or, pretty much commanded - us to preach the Gospel. How we do that will definitely change by the day or hour but we need to be ready to preach in any way, out of obedience.

It shouuuuldn't matter how He wants us to spread the message; spread it any stinkin way you can!

declaration part two-point-zero

This is an excerpt from a conversation I had with Lydia on 07 September, posted 04 October:

[I shortened the screen-names in hopes of being less annoying]

jesskah :* says:
I decided to make some notes last night about random evangels
jesskah: it took a while but I finally hit a point where I could be peaceful in my view on randos
jesskah : I had these misconceptions about what's good or what's the right way to do it but I realized that whatever way I personally need to take to get Jesus into a conversation is a good way to go
jesskah:I had been thinking that bare randos was the optimal way and anything less was a cop out
*Lydia~satan never coasts and he knows when you are coasting.* says:(oooh, definitely not the optimal way..hehe)
jesskah : but, if I want to make up a probing question (something I love.. you know...) that's OK jesskah: if I want to do surveys (less likely but still better) that's OK
jesskah : the breakthrough is not done yet but it helped me clear out some cobwebs
jesskah : I realized that I shouldn't be excited about the TYPE of evangelism but merely the CHANCE to evangelize
Lydia: oooh. i like.
jesskah: and, after stripping guilt and condemnation off, I realized that I have a genuine passion to spread the news, I do
jesskah: it's nice to know it's there. now all I need to do is flame it into a massive stinkin fire
Lydia: mmmmm well all God needs to do but wow. that is definitely an epiphany alright

declaration

I walked into the libby and thought, "I am ready for you: bring it on." I was talking mostly to one person but, on a deeper level, I think I could have applied that statement to the world.


With this thought, I'd like to say that I want to be confident in God and God alone. I want to have the peace and assurance that only He can bring. And yes, I know it will take time but, with the proper drive, it will get here sooner than I think.


I feel like I may be in the midst of a spiritual slippage. This concerns me. Hopefully, with the start of the school year (in 6 days) this will change. I hope it's a mere emotion brought on by seemingly aimless and frustrating days.


I have been wondering about evangelism quite a lot as of late. I wonder about when I need to do something because I am called to it and when I need to do something because I am called to obedience regarding it. I do not want to live feeling like I'm condemned because I am falling short of God's expectations. What does He truly expect from me? What does He expect from every Christian and what does He expect from this one specifically?


I am looking forward to this school year for the house that I am in. It seems to be the only tangible part of school that I can get a good look at so far. (Yes, there's ministry stuff that I have been able to start with but that's different. I am looking at school from a ministry point of view. Is that wrong?) I have a sense of great conversations to come within my household and I can say that I am pretty excited about that.

I want to be thrown into a situation where I give my all (mentally, emotionally and spiritually) for the Gospel. WHEN is that going to happen? I have been wondering as of late (quite a bit on this very day) why I am encountering financial straights again. I seem to run into these in avalanche form, and always leave the paltry snowflakes behind. Didn't you learn your lesson from this summer? Put the Gospel first and all else will follow. "And do not set your heart on what you will eat or drink; do not worry about it. For the pagan world runs after all such things, and your Father knows that you need them. But seek his kingdom, and these things will be given to you as well." (Luke 12:29-1) I think that what I tend to do most - and this is just coming to my as I type - is put myself in evangelism in only one dimension: the physical, and have not yet realized that the other three dimensions need to be engaged in order for the ordeal to be usable by God.

This is something that I need to look into. I need to know why I feel like I should care so much about (i.e. give my life to) the Gospezillio. Then, I need to figure out how I can do that on all turrets (physical, mental, emotional and spiritual) every time an opportunity presents herself. (Or even when I create an opportunity.) [It seems that I am pretty passionate about what I speak at the moment; I am italicizing all over the place.]

Looking at the title... what is my declaration? The declaration is that I need to stop waiting for my future and take the opp right now to figure out how my lifestyle of evangelism is going to look. I am close enough to being an adult by this time now that it is something I should seriously look into. I have always thought of it as something down the road. Well, the road is changing, shortening, widening, I don't know what it's doinging. I need to know what my role is in the Great Commission and I need to know soon so that everything in me is a help and not a hindrance to what Jesus wants to do.

It's yours, God, come take the world. :)

filing time

It seems odd to blog out of obligation but here I am, verifying that I am still alive.

It seems odd to use "blog" as a verb considering it's not a real word to begin with.


Things in Guelph are mostly the same as they were when I first arrived five days ago, except now I can listen to the Eagles' wailing guitar solos in Hotel California. :)

I am still trying to pack my life up into less than twenty boxes and move house down the street but it is proving more of an elusive goal than I thought.

On the bright side, I am becoming more dilligent and more [insert adjective that means I follow-through on what I say (let me know if you know that word)] with prayer and reading, especially things I "should" read.

I like pasta and I want to go back to study Music at the good ol' U o' G.

abstract thoughts and/on music

I would like to point out the sheer coolness of the musical instrument God has given all of us in our very own throats. Use it wisely.


About eight years ago, I discovered this phenomenon inside my very own brain. The best way for me to describe it is to say that it's an under-the-table transatction between my conscious and sub-conscious brains. Sub-consciously, my brain makes a connection between something in the present situation (from any of the five senses) to a song that I know and consciously, my brain makes me sing it. This is a strange goings-on because I do not understand the significance of the song until I reach the relevant part at which point I usually stop singing and marvel at the bizarreness of what just took place.

[For example, I was once sitting down-wind of a poorly made open fire and needed to move because of the irritation I had started to endure. In my head played, "They asked me how I knew my true love was true / I, of course, replied something here inside / Cannot be denied ..." etc. and I just went along with it. (Bear in mind I was 13 at the time.) Then when the chorus hit I realized why that particular song - one I was not fond of - had come up: the title, "Smoke gets in your eyes."]

A few minutes ago, I started singing, "God is so good ... God is so good ... God is so good, He's so good .. to .. me," and I realized that it wasn't merely a song but it was a manifestation of a deeper feeling I was experiencing at that moment. This means (ooh, it's epiphany time again) that now, the aforementioned tricky transaction not only relates to the five senses but also to emotions/feelings.

This - that song - seems to be the theme of this day. I found myself walking around ruminating on the greatness of God. I look at things and can't help but accredit their goodness to God Himself, no matter how seemingly man-made they are. It says, "The heavens declare the glory of God," and I consider myself blessed to see what must be an infinitely small part of the glory of God. I felt bombarded to-day by all His goodness. It certainly made me feel motivated to be an ambassador. It also made me hope I wasn't riding a spiritual high and, if I was, that I should be sure to keep the desire to be an ambassador even when I don't feel this great about who God is.

home #3

I have returned to Guelph and I find that it is much greener.

More of the street is obstructed from my view as I look out my bedroom window; there is more ivy up South Rez wall... it's weird.

And, I can't believe it feels like home here! First I thought I missed Montreal so much because it had been my solid home for 3 months. Then I came to Etobicoke - my home since forever - and thought, "This is where it's at." And now, I am here in Guelph and it is a strangely comforting atmosphere. I've never exactly felt like Guelph was my home; it was more like a temporary holding cell. I think it feels like my home *now* because my heart is going out to it, from a spiritual perspective.

It's going to be a crazy year.

presents

And lastly, to round my day's tally of posts out to four, I'd like to mention something awesome I found last night.

I love (understatement) to make things for people that they don't expect and to give it to them with no cost or effort on their part. Espeicially when it's personal, when it involves craftiness (sneaky or cut&paste), and when there's writing involved. Mmm hmm. The thought of it makes me smack my lips.

I think God's given me a gifting here and I want to know: where are You going to use this one? Please let me give it all to you. :D

presenting it to the class

Here's my list of things I learned this summer on Montreal Project 2005 with Campus Crusade for Christ:


#1 Put the Gospel first and all else will follow. (Luke 12:29-1)

#2 It would be better to get to Heaven and have God ask you, "What were you thinking?" than for Him to say, "Why didn't you do anything?" (courtesy of Eric Rose, Quebec CCC staff)

#3 There is great comfort in feeling inadequate if it's in light of God's power. Pray hard. (courtesy of ninth outreach)

#4 An open door is more of a blessing than I realized. This summer in Solin Hall was like my second chance at experiencing first year in Rez. (courtesy of Alison Lau, Dan Richardsen, Joel Sherman, Mike Dytynyshyn)

#5 Humor is a gift from God that I am blessed to recieve and to give. I shan't underestimate its power encore. (courtesy of final banquet .. and Joel Sherman)

#6 Boys are too complicated, too distracting and altogether too ... lovely.

future plans

Last night I was day-dreaming about many things (most of them boys) but one of them was my future vocation. I day-dreamed my way into night-dreaming and back again so it got a bit weird but I enjoyed how it was complete or all-encompassing. I dreamed that I might teach music at my own former high school. I got a big thrill out of it. I had been thinking about an arrangment of mine and how I would love to walk into my old school and show it to my musical mentor. I wasn't sure if I should show the manuscript or the audio recording because the audio wasn't up to my standards but the manuscript might not give him a complete enough picture (as brilliant as he may be). With this next thought, the night-day line became blurry. I said to myself, "What if I could just ask five singers - five Music Theatre majors - to sing my piece? Shouldn't they be able to be perfect on the first try? Or first day, at least?" The thought excited me and I had a flashback of my old band classroom. From there I slipped into full-out dream land, still conscious - I guess - of the fact that I was dreaming. I began to think of what it would be like to make my living from teaching music - in this case teaching arrangements to singers - at my old high school. I saw my passion for it and started to wonder where my evangelistic calling would fit into the mix. I want to teach there. I want to teach music. I want to be capable of teaching music, just like the ones who taught me were. It looks hard and I don't do very well with music history but dag, I would like to try.

I had a dream a couple of weeks ago (undoctored) about returning to my high school to show the same piece in question to my music mentor. Some things were the same about us two, some were drastically different. What was interesting was that he not only knew I was a Christian (my t-shirt did help) but he also knew what kind of Christian I was (born-again, I suppose). Now, taking into account that this dream has only two sources of input: my brain and God, it makes sense that he would know this about me. But as I found it transferable to my own life, it was certainly something to think about. What will it be like when I go back to my high school? I haven't been there since I became a Christian. In the dream he was searching. He had a bit of self-sufficiency pride in his way but there were definitely traces of desperation coming out in his queries about me and the faith.

THIS more than anything, makes me want to walk through those doors again and tell the good word. Hmm. Tell the good word and teach the good music.

I was also wondering in my dreamy state of last night (I think on my way back to day-dreams) about how BIG of an impact I could actually make there for God. I was a bit disappointed, thinking there was no Campus Crusade for Christ chapter to get on board with, and looked with a bit of desperaton for any Christian voice the school had. Does the school have one? I think not. The Christian youth club had a sordid attendance and was written off by anyone who bothered to ask what L.I.G.H.T. stood for. I should infiltrate. I should ask God for my high school. Amen. :D


Living in God's Holy Truth

in the Anglo country

To-day, Friday, is my third day officially back in my home province and I don't know what to feel. Here are a few competing emotions/notions:

#1 I feel like I never left Ontario. (most prevalent the first day)
#2 I feel like nobody understands where I've been (they don't) and that I'm just scraping my way by the time until Winter Conference shows herself.
#3 I feel like something new that will manifest itself soonly and shock by-standers.


I love talking to fellow project members. It's obvious how much we miss eachother but also great to see that we're getting back into our respective lives, fairly easily.

I look forward to seeing what this next year, what this next life holds for me. I don't think ever have I felt this much an alien in my life.

marvelling

To-day God answered a prayer that I hadn't even fully laced into. I wanted to fall to some knees of mine and beseech Him to help me financially so that I could stop floundering. (I was about to ask a couple I know to lend me $200 for a couple of days so that I could cover rent and not be starving.) I read an email from my mother that says she has sent me an early birthday gift of $200 for which I am more grateful than words. I can't believe how good God is. :) (I'm certainly glad I haven't become accustomed to that fact.)

We were handing out invitiations downtown for our Outreach even to-morrow and I was a bit disappointed by my lack of boldness. I was partnered with someone whose boldness matched my own which increased the challenge. We completed the task - if a bit late - and I walk away from the experience knowing that God is gracious and that I have room to grow.


Last night, I made an assumption that led to me letting a few people down, one of which left me a note sarcastically explaining his dashed hopes. In my head I know that it is not a big deal but in my heart - morally speaking - I feel bad that I have a black mark on my record. I said I would do something and I didn't follow-through because of a miscommunication. In trying to deal with this guilt and remorse after I me reveillie-d, I reminded myself that God doesn't count all your past failures against you, predicting when you will falter encore and become more disciplinary and disappointed in you each successive time. God wipes out the record and says, "Next time; get it next time."

Thank You, God, for grace.

changing

To-day is a strange day. It's like preparing for battle, seriously.

I have changed since late last week (Thursday or Friday) and I have not regressed which scares me. This is finally the beginning of Montreal project for me.


I told the Gospel to my sister, I ran after a man whom I thought wanted to speak with my friends and I, I steered a conversation back to religious/spiritual issues; I stood up for my faith...

Things are changing. I am changing.

I decided late last week that, instead of waiting on God to bring me money, I would devote time, worry, energy, concern and prayer to the Gospel. That decision has turned my life around. Thank God.

This evening (in approximately 26 minutes) we depart Solin Hall to distribute invitations. I do not want to do this but I feel like I will. It's very odd. I feel like there's no turning back. It's like I knowI will figure out why not to be selfish. Ha - it's awesome. It's mounting the trench wall when the commander says, "Go."