Yesterday at work the second customer in line leaned out saying, "Hello, Jessica!" I cringed at the sound of his familiar voice. I just don't like the way he looks at, talks to and treats me. I especially don't like that he says my name with the three syllables so distinct even though I told him there was no "i" in my name. He didn't take the correction or bother to learn it properly. For someone who's trying to sway my affection it's a surprising (and almost insulting) mistake.
He asks if I work Saturday afternoons and I say I normally don't. Very little eye-contact. Cringe. He replies, "Yeah -- it's usually the blonde," with a note of arrogance that doesn't fly with me. How special that you know our schedules. Perhaps by "special" I mean "creepy" or "inappropriate to share". He's really trying to engage me in conversation and act like we know each other. It bothers me that he insists we know each other, and more so when others are around.
Without really thinking (thank You, Jesus), I said sternly, "Her name is Alison*," because I don't care about schedules or what he finds surprising or interesting but I do care about women being treated with respect. "The blonde." Such garbage. You're gonna tell me you know what shifts she works but you don't remember her name? Get out of my face. (...apparently this still bothers me.)
Then there was a surprising moment that diminished my frustration significantly, even though I feel I kinda missed it (the moment). The customer I was presently serving, who was using the debit/credit pinpad, laughed at my retort. He 100% understood what I was implying and thought it was funny that I would try to put this guy in his place. Ha. I was too preoccupied to connect with him on it though I'm sure it would have been one of those great knowing glances between strangers. (I guess I wasn't expecting anything from him based on his body language and speech but now the door might be just cracked slightly and maybe I'll remember him next time.)
--
I wasn't going to type this and now it's 168 days past my bed time but here we go. I just remembered that on Tuesday, when two coverall-ed coworkers came in for the third time, I took a shot in the dark to break the ice. (Two idioms in one sentence -- did you see that?) One of them sometimes gives me looks like he's expecting me to talk or we have talked in the past (I don't remember) and the other is just a jovial kind of easy-going dude who brings levity to the former. They walked up with their whatevers (beef jerky and energy drinks, I think) and I said, my hand poised like I was confirming the order from table 12, "You guys do actually go to work when you're not here, right?"
Pause to process the shock of non-cashier talk, pause to process the sarcasm and taking of the mick, then laughter and mock hurt. They legit tried to explain how, when you're in maintenance, you can't exactly create or predict work but I wasn't having any of it. They end up chatting among themselves (as most couplets in this situation do -- it's safer) and I slip back into cashier mode. I like it when I can tell the stone wall has come crashing down between a regular and myself.
Best flavor is when they came in the next time and the one guy yelled all the way from the door, "I know, I know - we don't work," showing that he's not exactly creative with humor but he liked the running joke. Nonetheless, I was so caught of guard and delighted that I legit spit my water out. Another door cracked but I'm not even sure what's next. There we go. Bed time.
*name changed for privacy!
Monday, 9 July 2012
Sunday, 8 July 2012
It's a Sunday afternoon.
Hello.
This morning was different and good.
After service a nice lady I'm getting to know said something about how much she enjoyed the service and the music. The person she'd just been talking to added how she appreciated the planning and thought it seemed I'd put in. I didn't particularly feel this week like I put more thought or effort in but what I said to them was true: "[Our pastor] kicked my butt this week." (He really worked me over.)
The second asked in what way he had kicked it but the first knew exactly what I meant. I said it was just like how he kicks our butt every Sunday from the pulpit. She agreed heartily which was pretty neat. She acted out the spiritual pummeling while I was saying it's like, "Holy Spirit! ksh! ksh!" while pretending to backhand someone. [ksh is the smacking sound.]
I stopped to talk to more people than I usually do. In the sermon (drawn from Colossians 2:1-5) we learned about what it means to be united in love with other believers. Pastor pointed out that this doesn't mean being close with a couple people or families, chatting with half a dozen people on your way out of the building after service and continuing in your isolated life throughout the week.
He said we can't treat Christ's bride terribly and expect to be in good relationship with Christ.
I've been thinking for a couple months how I should work harder at integrating myself into this body of believers but I usually just don't feel like it. At certain point I just don't (didn't?) care. I know that's unacceptable.
Today is just one day but before I left the pew I asked God to give me a heart change and the genuine desire to start changing, to invest in people and to be real instead of having a knee-jerk reaction to a sermon. I also asked that I would recognize future opportunities to embed myself as I am presented with tons of them on a regular basis.
It was different. It was funny! I talked to people like I gave a crap and didn't feel the need to rush away nor did I feel justified in it (despite the reality of an upcoming midterm).
[During the bridge of the second song we played & sang, I remembered a friend of mine that I miss. I told myself I should sit in that missing feeling and pray compassionately but I forgot.]
I shook hands with someone new whose hand I should have shook (shaken?) weeks ago. He knew my name before I said it which is kinda pecules but I can't say that's the first time it's happened. He also made me laugh with quick wit. He's more open than I expected and I think I could legit talk to him without having to try. (+blessing) I.... felt better about talking to people. Sometimes I just don't like talking to people. This is huge. I hope it's more than today.
It's like a switch was flipped. And now that I'm reading over what I've typed so far, I realise that from the front pew by stage right, up the aisle, down the hall, past the nursery, in front of the reception desk and even during the lift home, I was the friendly other person that lives inside me who makes such a difference at my workplace. Totally did not know that other person could exist outside of work. This is interesting.
She's the cat that will talk to anyone who will give her time, will seek commonalities or starting points, do a gesture, make a lame joke to get them to open up...anything. Anything and without some determined end-point. Just care about/love people. Interesting. Inexplicable energy source for it, and it edges out selfishness considerably. This is all very interesting. It deserves more thought. I'm interested. I thought this other person only lived in my uniform with a nametag. Go figure.
--
Other bonus from this morning --
The sermon included the use of the following words:
-clique (pronounced correctly: with a long "i")
-oscillation (just a gorgeous rich word with no strong synonym)
-jive (come on.)
-snookered (don't even look at me.)
This morning was different and good.
After service a nice lady I'm getting to know said something about how much she enjoyed the service and the music. The person she'd just been talking to added how she appreciated the planning and thought it seemed I'd put in. I didn't particularly feel this week like I put more thought or effort in but what I said to them was true: "[Our pastor] kicked my butt this week." (He really worked me over.)
The second asked in what way he had kicked it but the first knew exactly what I meant. I said it was just like how he kicks our butt every Sunday from the pulpit. She agreed heartily which was pretty neat. She acted out the spiritual pummeling while I was saying it's like, "Holy Spirit! ksh! ksh!" while pretending to backhand someone. [ksh is the smacking sound.]
I stopped to talk to more people than I usually do. In the sermon (drawn from Colossians 2:1-5) we learned about what it means to be united in love with other believers. Pastor pointed out that this doesn't mean being close with a couple people or families, chatting with half a dozen people on your way out of the building after service and continuing in your isolated life throughout the week.
He said we can't treat Christ's bride terribly and expect to be in good relationship with Christ.
I've been thinking for a couple months how I should work harder at integrating myself into this body of believers but I usually just don't feel like it. At certain point I just don't (didn't?) care. I know that's unacceptable.
Today is just one day but before I left the pew I asked God to give me a heart change and the genuine desire to start changing, to invest in people and to be real instead of having a knee-jerk reaction to a sermon. I also asked that I would recognize future opportunities to embed myself as I am presented with tons of them on a regular basis.
It was different. It was funny! I talked to people like I gave a crap and didn't feel the need to rush away nor did I feel justified in it (despite the reality of an upcoming midterm).
[During the bridge of the second song we played & sang, I remembered a friend of mine that I miss. I told myself I should sit in that missing feeling and pray compassionately but I forgot.]
I shook hands with someone new whose hand I should have shook (shaken?) weeks ago. He knew my name before I said it which is kinda pecules but I can't say that's the first time it's happened. He also made me laugh with quick wit. He's more open than I expected and I think I could legit talk to him without having to try. (+blessing) I.... felt better about talking to people. Sometimes I just don't like talking to people. This is huge. I hope it's more than today.
It's like a switch was flipped. And now that I'm reading over what I've typed so far, I realise that from the front pew by stage right, up the aisle, down the hall, past the nursery, in front of the reception desk and even during the lift home, I was the friendly other person that lives inside me who makes such a difference at my workplace. Totally did not know that other person could exist outside of work. This is interesting.
She's the cat that will talk to anyone who will give her time, will seek commonalities or starting points, do a gesture, make a lame joke to get them to open up...anything. Anything and without some determined end-point. Just care about/love people. Interesting. Inexplicable energy source for it, and it edges out selfishness considerably. This is all very interesting. It deserves more thought. I'm interested. I thought this other person only lived in my uniform with a nametag. Go figure.
--
Other bonus from this morning --
The sermon included the use of the following words:
-clique (pronounced correctly: with a long "i")
-oscillation (just a gorgeous rich word with no strong synonym)
-jive (come on.)
-snookered (don't even look at me.)
Tuesday, 3 July 2012
(another off the list)
J__ was back to his old self today. Wow. I was smiling secretly to myself quite a bit when I was stocking cigarettes between breaks of talking to him. Before he came in I had decided I wouldn't ask about his mum because I've made that the FIRST thing I've asked about the last three weeks and since part of his answer always includes how it's weighing on his mind I thought I could let him bring it up.
When I went to say hello (I had no customers) I blurted out how I had finally seen The Avengers (2012). We'd been talking about it since it opened (how he went with his son and loved it, how I need to go see it, how his son has now seen it five times, how I need to see it, how great it is, and so forth) and I wanted to share.
He was in a good mood. He was more present than he has been lately, more patient and funny. He was making me laugh with silly comments and even some slapstick. The Old J__ was back! We had fun. His mum is better; she's out of the ICU and he's on vacation within three days.
He shared with me more than he realised in a handful of sentences about the movie Constantine (2005), the Bible and the Quran. It made me immensely sad.
I guess I knew a bit of where he stood from past conversations but I did think him more neutral than this. It's ...sucky but I'm trying to churn the sadness into compassion and kindness (and the drive to keep investing in the relationship).
--
Last week a hard-working young man, his 40-foot truck parked by the diesel pump, came in and asked if someone had turned in a credit card the day before. I told him I hadn't seen one and then I looked in the lost-and-found. He told me this was the last place he thinks they had it. I could see that it was not going to go well for him once he had to report to the boss that yes, they had certainly lost the corporate credit card. Even his body language, leaning on the counter, was like he was begging for me to find it.
I asked for some distinguishing features as I rooted through the miles of cards but I didn't have the one he sought. Because he took a second to absorb the information before walking away and because I was feeling ambitious, I pulled out a small, extremely pink child's accessory and I said seriously, "But I do have some Hello Kitty sunglasses, if that might help..."
He just looked at me at first, like his ears had lied. He his disbelief became incredulous amusement and his short laugh showed he was experiencing comic relief. Score. So glad I didn't chicken out.
So glad for small moments at work that make it fun and sort of take me outside of what I'm doing.
When I went to say hello (I had no customers) I blurted out how I had finally seen The Avengers (2012). We'd been talking about it since it opened (how he went with his son and loved it, how I need to go see it, how his son has now seen it five times, how I need to see it, how great it is, and so forth) and I wanted to share.
He was in a good mood. He was more present than he has been lately, more patient and funny. He was making me laugh with silly comments and even some slapstick. The Old J__ was back! We had fun. His mum is better; she's out of the ICU and he's on vacation within three days.
He shared with me more than he realised in a handful of sentences about the movie Constantine (2005), the Bible and the Quran. It made me immensely sad.
I guess I knew a bit of where he stood from past conversations but I did think him more neutral than this. It's ...sucky but I'm trying to churn the sadness into compassion and kindness (and the drive to keep investing in the relationship).
--
Last week a hard-working young man, his 40-foot truck parked by the diesel pump, came in and asked if someone had turned in a credit card the day before. I told him I hadn't seen one and then I looked in the lost-and-found. He told me this was the last place he thinks they had it. I could see that it was not going to go well for him once he had to report to the boss that yes, they had certainly lost the corporate credit card. Even his body language, leaning on the counter, was like he was begging for me to find it.
I asked for some distinguishing features as I rooted through the miles of cards but I didn't have the one he sought. Because he took a second to absorb the information before walking away and because I was feeling ambitious, I pulled out a small, extremely pink child's accessory and I said seriously, "But I do have some Hello Kitty sunglasses, if that might help..."
He just looked at me at first, like his ears had lied. He his disbelief became incredulous amusement and his short laugh showed he was experiencing comic relief. Score. So glad I didn't chicken out.
So glad for small moments at work that make it fun and sort of take me outside of what I'm doing.
Sunday, 1 July 2012
one of seven things I've made a note to blog about.
Couple days ago my boss walked in while I was collating, put down his book and wallet and asked, "Have you seen these?"
He was holding one of our new poly-something one hundred dollar bills.
"Yes. I'm a cashier; I see those all the time." I had to battle hard to not sound overly smug. I think what I was trying to say was that they aren't exactly new anymore since they've been out for a while.
He continues turning it over in his hands looking at different features. (It's that pause that he uses to set up punch-lines or witty remarks.) I asked, "Did you know that you can't crumple them up?"
He almost overlaps (...perfect comedic timing - it's gross) to counter, "Yes, but have you seen one of these while you're [sorting] papers?"
I smile the "touché" and admit, "No." I haven't.
"So, what? You can't crumple them?"
"Yeah.. Apparently you can't tear them. I donno though - I'm afraid to try too hard."
"Yeah, I wouldn't want to try."
"It's a felony, isn't it?"
"Well, I'm not worried about THAT.." (I laugh.) "This is a lot of money for me."
(That did strike me as a little weird that he would say it to me like we were standing on my yacht.)
"Aha. Try crumpling it."
He balls it up in his hand and then lets it go. It opens immediately and shows very little creasing. He seems genuinely surprised and says, "This is made of witchcraft!" It made me laugh a lot because he seems a little more straight-laced than that.
I think I enjoyed the moment more because the only reason he was there was to say goodbye as he was leaving the building. I guess I'm not as unbearable as I think.
Oh, life.
He was holding one of our new poly-something one hundred dollar bills.
"Yes. I'm a cashier; I see those all the time." I had to battle hard to not sound overly smug. I think what I was trying to say was that they aren't exactly new anymore since they've been out for a while.
He continues turning it over in his hands looking at different features. (It's that pause that he uses to set up punch-lines or witty remarks.) I asked, "Did you know that you can't crumple them up?"
He almost overlaps (...perfect comedic timing - it's gross) to counter, "Yes, but have you seen one of these while you're [sorting] papers?"
I smile the "touché" and admit, "No." I haven't.
"So, what? You can't crumple them?"
"Yeah.. Apparently you can't tear them. I donno though - I'm afraid to try too hard."
"Yeah, I wouldn't want to try."
"It's a felony, isn't it?"
"Well, I'm not worried about THAT.." (I laugh.) "This is a lot of money for me."
(That did strike me as a little weird that he would say it to me like we were standing on my yacht.)
"Aha. Try crumpling it."
He balls it up in his hand and then lets it go. It opens immediately and shows very little creasing. He seems genuinely surprised and says, "This is made of witchcraft!" It made me laugh a lot because he seems a little more straight-laced than that.
I think I enjoyed the moment more because the only reason he was there was to say goodbye as he was leaving the building. I guess I'm not as unbearable as I think.
Oh, life.
Thursday, 28 June 2012
yesterday was a fun day.
[written Wednesday the 20th]
I went to a neighbouring city with the primary objective of investigating a potential job/job offer. I found that the secondary reason could be dropping off my passport to be renewed.
I was (graciously) given a lift in and out of town which didn't save as much money as it did hassle. It also reminded me of how important it is becoming for me to own a car.
I started walking toward the potential-job place just before 8am. I wanted to know where it was but I was planning to stop and find breakfast before I went in because talking to a prospective hiring person is something I'd like to do with an undistracted and high-functioning brain. And this wasn't a grab-a-muffin morning, either. I needed to sit and get some kinda eggs and toast deal.
I found a super weird diner that I have seen advertised on local TV so it amused me. Every time I saw the ad I mocked it because of the local- and small-town-ness of it. And then I was a customer. Good food for very cheap and ample time to review notes and screw courage to a sticking place.
This potential job offerer was not in. He contacted me a few weeks ago and had been trying to set up a phoneterview since but just couldn't seem to find the time. Because I had been given Tuesday off work and because I could get there easily & cheaply, I thought I might drop in...show some initiative. He wasn't there. I felt weird but kinda relieved about it. It gave me an idea of how to write a promptatious email.
[written Wednesday the 27th]
I walked across the street to the bus stop and waited less than two minutes for a bus to come. This was a +blessing because the heat that day (even at 9am) was no joke. Before I popped my ticket into the machine, I asked the driver if it was still valid for, you see, I found these tickets more than a year ago. I found them and kept them and was very pleased to hear the driver say that yes, they were still good. Saved me loads that day. +Blessing.
I stopped at the mall a) to find someone who might repair the bag that had broken about six minutes after I alighted my friend's car, and b) to get some uni work done. I reasoned that if I just took the day "off" in another city, I'd get up to things I'd regret the next day. The shoe repairman was just opposite my bank (+blessing of convenience) in which I'd just deposited a cheque (+blessing of late but appreciated assistance) and he was happy to help. He told me to come back in an hour.
I emptied the bag into another tote that I happened (+blessing) to be carrying and went on the hunt for a table and chair. I accidentally bought a tea (which happened to be delicious ....+blessing) and found a super comfy chair in neutral space which meant there was no time limit for my stay! Instead of delving into Unit 6 on Respiration I decided to jump into the book of Philemon. I wanted to read something I hadn't read enough to remember and predict and wouldn't you know it -- the Word spoke to me. (+blessing)
I had recently been reflecting on my current habits of listening to sermons frequently -- on this thirst for knowledge, apologetic, truth -- and how that's well and good to a point but if I never leave my house, figuratively speaking, this information is almost useless. YES, learning about the person of Christ is important independent of my relationships with others but let's have both. Let's have the reason that apologetics are interesting and helpful. What good is knowledge I don't apply? knowledge that doesn't change my life? knowledge that doesn't cause me to act?
Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says. *
A better description might be that I started to understand how people can be enrolled in educational institutions into their thirties and forties (or more?). I started to get a glimpse of the mind of the person who grows PhDs on their PhDs. The person who takes up golf just to get a different kind of Masters. Education is great but disconnecting yourself from people and remaining in a cocoon like a coward is not acceptable. I will not be that guy!
*James 1:22
So, choosing Philemon not because I thought it had something for me, not because I thought it would make me "feel better" but because I thought I should come to a passage fresh, I was amazed to find verse six so appropriate for what I'd been thinking about. I pray that you may be active in sharing your faith, so that you will have a full understanding of every good thing we have in Christ. THIS MEANS: you're missing out if you're not doing. Of course I desire fullness in my relationship with Christ and of course I want to keep removing obstacles day after day that come between us... If I'm not sharing my faith I'm missing out on an aspect of knowing Christ.
Let's not miss out on knowing Christ. That would be tragic.
(+blessing)
I picked up my bag and headed toward Destination #2: the passport office. I found it easily enough (thank you, iPhone) and was in and out (+blessing) much sooner than expected.
Downstairs I found something like a cafeteria which amazingly could supply me with my fix of an energy drink (not my brand but I needed to be awake) (+blessing) and a place to sit while I ate the lunch I'd packed, free of charge and without time-limit (+blessing). I hate packing lunches so I was glad to be able to at least eat it in a civilized manner (not like a zoo monkey), out of the sun and unrushed. Lunch tasted better than I thought after being in a squished bag for six hours. (+blessing)
Next, we walked back downtown and caught a bus to the nearest Starbucks. (Yeah, I said it.) There, I ordered the largest glass of iced soy chai goodness they would sell me and parked myself at one of very few open spots while shamelessly monitoring the spots next to wall sockets. (My phone was around 30% of battery life now.)
Unit 6 - Respiration
It went well, actually. Knowing I had ticked the two major boxes for the day and that this was just icing helped. The cold drink helped. Wanting to be able to tell my friend when she picked me up that I had finished all my reading helped. I ended up getting through two-thirds (+blessing) which I was satisfied with because I actually worked the whole time so I basically did my best. :)
Twentyish minutes into my stay, I recognized (and it was half-sad, half-impressive) the woman in a white shirt who walked past me to the exit, whipped my head round to confirm and then descended upon her vacant seat like a bird of prey. Plugged the phone in and I was LAUGHING. My friend called in response to my asking where I needed to go to meet her after work and she said she was actually closer to me where I was so don't go anywhere! (suuuuuuupa +blessing. no more bus and no more time lost in transit. ahh.)
Then we went home. Perhaps that was it. I guess I left out how, between the passport office and the downtown bus depot I met a Mormon (...... ...) and before Starbucks I found some super neat postcards for very cheap but there you have it.
I went to a neighbouring city with the primary objective of investigating a potential job/job offer. I found that the secondary reason could be dropping off my passport to be renewed.
I was (graciously) given a lift in and out of town which didn't save as much money as it did hassle. It also reminded me of how important it is becoming for me to own a car.
I started walking toward the potential-job place just before 8am. I wanted to know where it was but I was planning to stop and find breakfast before I went in because talking to a prospective hiring person is something I'd like to do with an undistracted and high-functioning brain. And this wasn't a grab-a-muffin morning, either. I needed to sit and get some kinda eggs and toast deal.
 |
This potential job offerer was not in. He contacted me a few weeks ago and had been trying to set up a phoneterview since but just couldn't seem to find the time. Because I had been given Tuesday off work and because I could get there easily & cheaply, I thought I might drop in...show some initiative. He wasn't there. I felt weird but kinda relieved about it. It gave me an idea of how to write a promptatious email.
[written Wednesday the 27th]
I walked across the street to the bus stop and waited less than two minutes for a bus to come. This was a +blessing because the heat that day (even at 9am) was no joke. Before I popped my ticket into the machine, I asked the driver if it was still valid for, you see, I found these tickets more than a year ago. I found them and kept them and was very pleased to hear the driver say that yes, they were still good. Saved me loads that day. +Blessing.
I stopped at the mall a) to find someone who might repair the bag that had broken about six minutes after I alighted my friend's car, and b) to get some uni work done. I reasoned that if I just took the day "off" in another city, I'd get up to things I'd regret the next day. The shoe repairman was just opposite my bank (+blessing of convenience) in which I'd just deposited a cheque (+blessing of late but appreciated assistance) and he was happy to help. He told me to come back in an hour.
 |
| Only took this photo cos I love the artwork (and how it smacks of patriotism). |
I had recently been reflecting on my current habits of listening to sermons frequently -- on this thirst for knowledge, apologetic, truth -- and how that's well and good to a point but if I never leave my house, figuratively speaking, this information is almost useless. YES, learning about the person of Christ is important independent of my relationships with others but let's have both. Let's have the reason that apologetics are interesting and helpful. What good is knowledge I don't apply? knowledge that doesn't change my life? knowledge that doesn't cause me to act?
Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says. *
A better description might be that I started to understand how people can be enrolled in educational institutions into their thirties and forties (or more?). I started to get a glimpse of the mind of the person who grows PhDs on their PhDs. The person who takes up golf just to get a different kind of Masters. Education is great but disconnecting yourself from people and remaining in a cocoon like a coward is not acceptable. I will not be that guy!
*James 1:22
So, choosing Philemon not because I thought it had something for me, not because I thought it would make me "feel better" but because I thought I should come to a passage fresh, I was amazed to find verse six so appropriate for what I'd been thinking about. I pray that you may be active in sharing your faith, so that you will have a full understanding of every good thing we have in Christ. THIS MEANS: you're missing out if you're not doing. Of course I desire fullness in my relationship with Christ and of course I want to keep removing obstacles day after day that come between us... If I'm not sharing my faith I'm missing out on an aspect of knowing Christ.
Let's not miss out on knowing Christ. That would be tragic.
(+blessing)
I picked up my bag and headed toward Destination #2: the passport office. I found it easily enough (thank you, iPhone) and was in and out (+blessing) much sooner than expected.
Downstairs I found something like a cafeteria which amazingly could supply me with my fix of an energy drink (not my brand but I needed to be awake) (+blessing) and a place to sit while I ate the lunch I'd packed, free of charge and without time-limit (+blessing). I hate packing lunches so I was glad to be able to at least eat it in a civilized manner (not like a zoo monkey), out of the sun and unrushed. Lunch tasted better than I thought after being in a squished bag for six hours. (+blessing)
Next, we walked back downtown and caught a bus to the nearest Starbucks. (Yeah, I said it.) There, I ordered the largest glass of iced soy chai goodness they would sell me and parked myself at one of very few open spots while shamelessly monitoring the spots next to wall sockets. (My phone was around 30% of battery life now.)
Unit 6 - Respiration
It went well, actually. Knowing I had ticked the two major boxes for the day and that this was just icing helped. The cold drink helped. Wanting to be able to tell my friend when she picked me up that I had finished all my reading helped. I ended up getting through two-thirds (+blessing) which I was satisfied with because I actually worked the whole time so I basically did my best. :)
Twentyish minutes into my stay, I recognized (and it was half-sad, half-impressive) the woman in a white shirt who walked past me to the exit, whipped my head round to confirm and then descended upon her vacant seat like a bird of prey. Plugged the phone in and I was LAUGHING. My friend called in response to my asking where I needed to go to meet her after work and she said she was actually closer to me where I was so don't go anywhere! (suuuuuuupa +blessing. no more bus and no more time lost in transit. ahh.)
Then we went home. Perhaps that was it. I guess I left out how, between the passport office and the downtown bus depot I met a Mormon (...... ...) and before Starbucks I found some super neat postcards for very cheap but there you have it.
Thursday, 14 June 2012
not drawn and quartered
It feels like a lot of relationshippy things happened yesterday but I didn't feel like I was being torn in four separate directions.
To mirror yesterday, let's do a small amount of follow-up.
(1) S___ was in a better mood and I did get to serve him. He really doesn't talk much. Someone from Tims was telling me last week how amazed she was to hear from his coworker that he actually does speak. Very tight-lipped fellow.
I had twelve packs of his cigarettes sitting on the counter by the time he arrived because that kind of overkill always seems to amuse him. If I'm standing at the counter and waiting, I build towers out of them but because I was working on something else away from the counter, they just sat in two rows, partially hidden.
"Good morning!"
"Hey."
I look to my rows and deliberate over which pack to select. (At first I was just being silly but then I actually had a hard time choosing from twelve identical things, haha!)
"..Just one," he says, and I note the levity in his tone which has a definite trace of "you're ridiculous" to it but he's fighting a smile which is good enough for me.
Gleaning some bravery from his smirk, I inquire, "Is your name really spelled like that?" in the same way I always deliver opening questions to him: too quietly and completely unaware of just how too quietly.
He leans in like he always does and asks me to repeat. I do and he tells me, "no," shaking his head and leaning back.
I relax a little and over-explain how I thought I was going crazy having now seen a different spelling on his uniform than I was used to. I attach people (every person I know) very intimately to their names (real, fake and modified) and if you're not who I thought you were, it causes problems. I'm OK to correct; I just needed to know!
He tells me that the company that makes their uniforms spelled it wrong and I say, emphatically dropping my hands that were about to give him two toonies, four pennies and a five-dollar bill, "That's terrible!" Names are so important and using names correctly and intentionally is SUCH a high value for me. He seems a little surprised that I care at all or noticed or am indignant on his behalf. But he adjusts and continues to explain how annoyed he is. I'm happy to see him more animated and to see a tiny glimpse of his unguarded self.
He came back (out of nowhere!) maybe ten minutes later to buy something else he'd forgotten and he told me about how L, who works at Tims, had been chirping him about a customer that apparently was interested in him. He told me that I should do some sleuthing on his behalf regarding this mystery woman because L wasn't being very descriptive or helpful. I agreed easily enough, incredibly relieved she hadn't been chirping him about me. He only acted out how one might sleuth, trailing off after, "You should..." and looked as uncomfortable as he usually does when he realises he's put more than one complete sentence together in conversation with me. (He gets this look on his face like he realises he's just wandered onto stage during a performance and needs to somehow make it look like he's supposed to be there.) Guessing his charades clues, I offer to "spy" for him and figure it out. I agreed that L wasn't being very helpful. It was a weird conversation but if he's going to talk to me I need to find an open way to respond.
This is how I was #friendzoned. But after the small bruise on my ego healed I was glad. It's better to be friendzoned than to be a slut, really. That's...the whole story. Pardon my language.
(3) Tuesday's conversation with Miserable S____ was nothing spectacular. I hadn't been anticipating our interaction much and didn't have anything lined up to say or ask. I happen to exit the loo at the same time he happens to be headed back to the checkout so he asked his habitual "what's happ'nin'?" over the top of the aisle as we walked in tandem. I barely answer because I know the question is meaningless and that he won't answer if I reciprocate. (Note to self: find a way to translate.)
He then immediately asks if I had figured out how manual transmission works; if I had gone to the website he had recommended. I sheepishly tell him I hadn't found the vid because I'd forgotten to look for it til six minutes before I'd needed to leave for work which he understood. He did his stuff and I packed up and then waited for him by the door. I wanted him to verify that was looking in the right area. (Terminology has really been a bane during this process.) I walked him to his truck and showed him the site on my phone. He confirmed that yes, I was looking in the right spot. Last thing he says before the door shuts and I walk away is, "do your homework."
OK, sure, S____. I'll learn about manual transmission so I have something to talk to you about. Sure, I'll spend time online trying to understand things that absolutely don't come naturally to me and that I have walked away from about six times already. Sure, I will try to come up with questions and try to understand your explanations. You don't talk about much substantial but you will talk about machines.
(4) I made sure to carve out time to hang out with Jesus Tuesday after work. It was actually after dinner which kinda made it even nicer. It was like a special date. We talked about a lot of things and I heard Matthew 26:42 properly for the first time and it was really a significant epiphany.
"He went away a second time and prayed, 'My Father, if it is not possible for this cup to be taken away unless I drink it, may your will be done'."
I have been thinking that Jesus just wanted to abort the whole mission; that He wanted to be excused and then the fact that He went through with it meant He had been pushed or coerced and was reluctant. It never seemed to fit with what I know of Him, His character, His love so I essentially stuck a pin in it, hoping to understand better in the future and trusting that He is unequivocally good and that independent of my comprehension.
I think the problem stemmed from being most familiar with verse 39: "Going a little farther, he fell with his face to the ground and prayed, 'My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as you will'." Anyways, what I grasped was that He still wanted the cup to be emptied but He didn't want to go to the cross. Can I blame Him???
Can anyone blame Him? It certainly makes more sense that a man would dread being abused and cruelly beaten then violently murdered and that if there were a way he could avoid it he would seize it happily. Yeah, I get it. I suppose, being omniscient, Jesus was speaking rhetorically in a way or just expressing His distress. I get it. It's huge.
Later, I listened to a sermon called "Missional in Philadelphia" and I decided to watch the video as well; to pay full attention, to take notes as appropriate and to expect to learn something. (When did I decide there was any other way to listen to a sermon?) I learned many wonderful things and would like to review my notes in the immediate future to make sure it's sinking in. I also was convicted about prayer. I shouldn't go into too much detail but I need to make a choice to change how I do it. Last night before bed I chose to sit and chat with Jesus, my bestie, about all the things on my heart and in my head. It was a newvolutionary (new + revolutionary) experience not because of an emotional high or big answers but because I was exercising my will to maintain focus and I was speaking with Him in faith of the relationship I know we should have, not the one I feel like we have.
Good.
[There was a non-mirrored relationshippy part of my Tuesday that I'll have to put into its own post.]
To mirror yesterday, let's do a small amount of follow-up.
(1) S___ was in a better mood and I did get to serve him. He really doesn't talk much. Someone from Tims was telling me last week how amazed she was to hear from his coworker that he actually does speak. Very tight-lipped fellow.
I had twelve packs of his cigarettes sitting on the counter by the time he arrived because that kind of overkill always seems to amuse him. If I'm standing at the counter and waiting, I build towers out of them but because I was working on something else away from the counter, they just sat in two rows, partially hidden.
"Good morning!"
"Hey."
I look to my rows and deliberate over which pack to select. (At first I was just being silly but then I actually had a hard time choosing from twelve identical things, haha!)
"..Just one," he says, and I note the levity in his tone which has a definite trace of "you're ridiculous" to it but he's fighting a smile which is good enough for me.
Gleaning some bravery from his smirk, I inquire, "Is your name really spelled like that?" in the same way I always deliver opening questions to him: too quietly and completely unaware of just how too quietly.
He leans in like he always does and asks me to repeat. I do and he tells me, "no," shaking his head and leaning back.
I relax a little and over-explain how I thought I was going crazy having now seen a different spelling on his uniform than I was used to. I attach people (every person I know) very intimately to their names (real, fake and modified) and if you're not who I thought you were, it causes problems. I'm OK to correct; I just needed to know!
He tells me that the company that makes their uniforms spelled it wrong and I say, emphatically dropping my hands that were about to give him two toonies, four pennies and a five-dollar bill, "That's terrible!" Names are so important and using names correctly and intentionally is SUCH a high value for me. He seems a little surprised that I care at all or noticed or am indignant on his behalf. But he adjusts and continues to explain how annoyed he is. I'm happy to see him more animated and to see a tiny glimpse of his unguarded self.
He came back (out of nowhere!) maybe ten minutes later to buy something else he'd forgotten and he told me about how L, who works at Tims, had been chirping him about a customer that apparently was interested in him. He told me that I should do some sleuthing on his behalf regarding this mystery woman because L wasn't being very descriptive or helpful. I agreed easily enough, incredibly relieved she hadn't been chirping him about me. He only acted out how one might sleuth, trailing off after, "You should..." and looked as uncomfortable as he usually does when he realises he's put more than one complete sentence together in conversation with me. (He gets this look on his face like he realises he's just wandered onto stage during a performance and needs to somehow make it look like he's supposed to be there.) Guessing his charades clues, I offer to "spy" for him and figure it out. I agreed that L wasn't being very helpful. It was a weird conversation but if he's going to talk to me I need to find an open way to respond.
This is how I was #friendzoned. But after the small bruise on my ego healed I was glad. It's better to be friendzoned than to be a slut, really. That's...the whole story. Pardon my language.
(3) Tuesday's conversation with Miserable S____ was nothing spectacular. I hadn't been anticipating our interaction much and didn't have anything lined up to say or ask. I happen to exit the loo at the same time he happens to be headed back to the checkout so he asked his habitual "what's happ'nin'?" over the top of the aisle as we walked in tandem. I barely answer because I know the question is meaningless and that he won't answer if I reciprocate. (Note to self: find a way to translate.)
He then immediately asks if I had figured out how manual transmission works; if I had gone to the website he had recommended. I sheepishly tell him I hadn't found the vid because I'd forgotten to look for it til six minutes before I'd needed to leave for work which he understood. He did his stuff and I packed up and then waited for him by the door. I wanted him to verify that was looking in the right area. (Terminology has really been a bane during this process.) I walked him to his truck and showed him the site on my phone. He confirmed that yes, I was looking in the right spot. Last thing he says before the door shuts and I walk away is, "do your homework."
OK, sure, S____. I'll learn about manual transmission so I have something to talk to you about. Sure, I'll spend time online trying to understand things that absolutely don't come naturally to me and that I have walked away from about six times already. Sure, I will try to come up with questions and try to understand your explanations. You don't talk about much substantial but you will talk about machines.
(4) I made sure to carve out time to hang out with Jesus Tuesday after work. It was actually after dinner which kinda made it even nicer. It was like a special date. We talked about a lot of things and I heard Matthew 26:42 properly for the first time and it was really a significant epiphany.
"He went away a second time and prayed, 'My Father, if it is not possible for this cup to be taken away unless I drink it, may your will be done'."
I have been thinking that Jesus just wanted to abort the whole mission; that He wanted to be excused and then the fact that He went through with it meant He had been pushed or coerced and was reluctant. It never seemed to fit with what I know of Him, His character, His love so I essentially stuck a pin in it, hoping to understand better in the future and trusting that He is unequivocally good and that independent of my comprehension.
I think the problem stemmed from being most familiar with verse 39: "Going a little farther, he fell with his face to the ground and prayed, 'My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as you will'." Anyways, what I grasped was that He still wanted the cup to be emptied but He didn't want to go to the cross. Can I blame Him???
Can anyone blame Him? It certainly makes more sense that a man would dread being abused and cruelly beaten then violently murdered and that if there were a way he could avoid it he would seize it happily. Yeah, I get it. I suppose, being omniscient, Jesus was speaking rhetorically in a way or just expressing His distress. I get it. It's huge.
Later, I listened to a sermon called "Missional in Philadelphia" and I decided to watch the video as well; to pay full attention, to take notes as appropriate and to expect to learn something. (When did I decide there was any other way to listen to a sermon?) I learned many wonderful things and would like to review my notes in the immediate future to make sure it's sinking in. I also was convicted about prayer. I shouldn't go into too much detail but I need to make a choice to change how I do it. Last night before bed I chose to sit and chat with Jesus, my bestie, about all the things on my heart and in my head. It was a newvolutionary (new + revolutionary) experience not because of an emotional high or big answers but because I was exercising my will to maintain focus and I was speaking with Him in faith of the relationship I know we should have, not the one I feel like we have.
Good.
[There was a non-mirrored relationshippy part of my Tuesday that I'll have to put into its own post.]
Tuesday, 12 June 2012
drawn and quartered
[composed Monday]
upon reflection at the end of my work day it kinda seemed like my heart was being pulled in four different directions, drawn and quartered. (maybe "heart" is too much...maybe not. I mean something like my emotional and relational will.)
I wanted to talk to S more because he just looks so angry. (1)
-he said literally one word to me and it was my name in three distinct syllables, tongue out to create some weird kinda lisp and the last syllable sounded like a "kheee" (kinda nasal) more than a "ka". he was being silly and it made me laugh.
-I kept looking for gaps in my work and courage to go talk to him because he was hanging out without his coworkers which is rare.
-I wanted to ask him about baseball (a bonus cos I'm doubly interested)
-I wanted to ask him about spelling (cos now I've seen his name two different ways)
-I wanted to ask him what his life story is (literally. I think I could do it)
-I want to ask him anything and everything...I just want to help, I guess.
-his coworker told me a while ago, "He neeever smiles. You're the only one who makes him smile," and I felt very humbled by it. I'm a little shocked but I don't think J had reason to make it up.
＞if I have a unique in, I don't want to waste it. that said, it's actually really tricky to thread the needle in this. REALLY tricky.
I had meant to tell J that I was sorry to hear about his mum being in the ICU and to offer my help with anything (though I'm sure there isn't anything) but he left before I could. (2)
-I walked up and said, "what's the bad news?" as a variant of "how was your weekend?"/"are you having a bad day?"/"why the long face?" because he was very different from his norm. he replied, without missing a beat, "my mum's really sick." my jaw was on the floor. I was half-joking! he continued to tell me the details and I listened and asked a few questions.... It's so hard to find something to say that properly conveys sympathy without being trite. If he knows me like I think he does, he would have read most of it in my non-verbal communication.
-early on I said, "wow," purely out of shock. (I didn't even realise I'd said it.) he replies, "yeah, those were my sentiments exactly."
＞I guess more than wishing I had been explicit in my support I wish that neither he nor his mother were suffering but there we are. we wait for an update and pray to the God of the Bible.
I caught a glimpse of what real-life friendship with Miserable S____ could be like and its plausibility surprised me. (3)
-last week my boss referred to S as my friend when S approached the counter and after thinking a moment I threw in, "did you know we were friends? cos I didn't." I said it partly to indicate that I didn't think we were friends and partly because it's a funny couple of sentences to utter and I like funny things. he catches the mood perfectly and replies that he didn't know. my boss asks and S clarifies that we're acquaintances. my boss asks what the difference is and S says exactly what I would have said (which was neat on its own). he says, "an acquaintance is someone you know.... a friend is someone you hang out with... outside of where you happen to run into them."
-today I stopped to say hello to S as he was banking and I was heading home. he mocked me for my Spongebob Squarepants t-shirt (I'm not even mad) and I bugged him about being a chump and for having no sleeves. (I asked if he had gone hulk. he answered, "yeah, that's exactly it. it's not like I weld in a f******' 60-degree shop." I fought the urge not to laugh at this...don't ask me why.)
-after all this I asked if he thought he could explain some of a car's inner workings to me. (I know he prefers standard, understands machines and has a knack for spatial arrangement.) he half-smiled when I first started asking, looking like he was gearing up to make fun of me so I dug deeper to show my serious desire for knowledge and to not hold too tightly to my desire to not look an idiot. before I could add that I wasn't asking him to explain at that very minute, he had put his purchases down and begun teaching.
-he used his hands, he maintained eye-contact, he gave an appropriate amount of detail, he asked if I was tracking at least four times, he answered my questions and didn't make me feel stupid when my questions betrayed the shallowness of my comprehension. he didn't get exasperated or bail in any of the opportunities I'd created for him to easily do so.
＞the hands are significant because he never talks with his hands (he barely says enough to have something to express with his hands)
＞the not leaving is significant because he was about 80% more animated than usual
＞the eye-contact was significant because he's usually pretty stingy with it and at this time it was clear that he was talking to me and just me. it was a conversation SORT OF something like what two friends might have. it legit looks like it is possible he and I could be friends in real life and I think that's pretty neat. he took time out to help me (though my comprehension was really only enhanced like 5% on top of the last three explanations two other people have given me) and he spoke to me as a peer and without silliness. it really was something. my reasonable brain says we won't become friends but I am still hopeful.
[composed Tuesday]
I don't know what fourth thing I was thinking of when I came up with the post title but let's say the fourth place my heart wanted to go was to Jesus. (4)
-lately I'm just not being a good friend or faithful or patient and (of course) it's costing me. (of course.) I really wanted to carve out time after work in that small window I had to unwind, have dinner, get ready for tomorrow and MAKE SURE I was in bed by 9 but I didn't. I took my unwindish time to watch an episode of "The Firm" (2012-present) (which is just SUCH a good show; it really quenches my thirst for mystery/action), to journal briefly, write an email, blog and watch the pilot episode of "Lost" (2004-2010) because I'm tired of being left out! I don't make time for Him and I pay. I pay not because I'm being punished but because I need help, I need refocusing, I need to reprioritise, I need to find my M.O. again...every day again. sigh. and here I sit blogging. let's go.
upon reflection at the end of my work day it kinda seemed like my heart was being pulled in four different directions, drawn and quartered. (maybe "heart" is too much...maybe not. I mean something like my emotional and relational will.)
I wanted to talk to S more because he just looks so angry. (1)
-he said literally one word to me and it was my name in three distinct syllables, tongue out to create some weird kinda lisp and the last syllable sounded like a "kheee" (kinda nasal) more than a "ka". he was being silly and it made me laugh.
-I kept looking for gaps in my work and courage to go talk to him because he was hanging out without his coworkers which is rare.
-I wanted to ask him about baseball (a bonus cos I'm doubly interested)
-I wanted to ask him about spelling (cos now I've seen his name two different ways)
-I wanted to ask him what his life story is (literally. I think I could do it)
-I want to ask him anything and everything...I just want to help, I guess.
-his coworker told me a while ago, "He neeever smiles. You're the only one who makes him smile," and I felt very humbled by it. I'm a little shocked but I don't think J had reason to make it up.
＞if I have a unique in, I don't want to waste it. that said, it's actually really tricky to thread the needle in this. REALLY tricky.
I had meant to tell J that I was sorry to hear about his mum being in the ICU and to offer my help with anything (though I'm sure there isn't anything) but he left before I could. (2)
-I walked up and said, "what's the bad news?" as a variant of "how was your weekend?"/"are you having a bad day?"/"why the long face?" because he was very different from his norm. he replied, without missing a beat, "my mum's really sick." my jaw was on the floor. I was half-joking! he continued to tell me the details and I listened and asked a few questions.... It's so hard to find something to say that properly conveys sympathy without being trite. If he knows me like I think he does, he would have read most of it in my non-verbal communication.
-early on I said, "wow," purely out of shock. (I didn't even realise I'd said it.) he replies, "yeah, those were my sentiments exactly."
＞I guess more than wishing I had been explicit in my support I wish that neither he nor his mother were suffering but there we are. we wait for an update and pray to the God of the Bible.
I caught a glimpse of what real-life friendship with Miserable S____ could be like and its plausibility surprised me. (3)
-last week my boss referred to S as my friend when S approached the counter and after thinking a moment I threw in, "did you know we were friends? cos I didn't." I said it partly to indicate that I didn't think we were friends and partly because it's a funny couple of sentences to utter and I like funny things. he catches the mood perfectly and replies that he didn't know. my boss asks and S clarifies that we're acquaintances. my boss asks what the difference is and S says exactly what I would have said (which was neat on its own). he says, "an acquaintance is someone you know.... a friend is someone you hang out with... outside of where you happen to run into them."
-today I stopped to say hello to S as he was banking and I was heading home. he mocked me for my Spongebob Squarepants t-shirt (I'm not even mad) and I bugged him about being a chump and for having no sleeves. (I asked if he had gone hulk. he answered, "yeah, that's exactly it. it's not like I weld in a f******' 60-degree shop." I fought the urge not to laugh at this...don't ask me why.)
-after all this I asked if he thought he could explain some of a car's inner workings to me. (I know he prefers standard, understands machines and has a knack for spatial arrangement.) he half-smiled when I first started asking, looking like he was gearing up to make fun of me so I dug deeper to show my serious desire for knowledge and to not hold too tightly to my desire to not look an idiot. before I could add that I wasn't asking him to explain at that very minute, he had put his purchases down and begun teaching.
-he used his hands, he maintained eye-contact, he gave an appropriate amount of detail, he asked if I was tracking at least four times, he answered my questions and didn't make me feel stupid when my questions betrayed the shallowness of my comprehension. he didn't get exasperated or bail in any of the opportunities I'd created for him to easily do so.
＞the hands are significant because he never talks with his hands (he barely says enough to have something to express with his hands)
＞the not leaving is significant because he was about 80% more animated than usual
＞the eye-contact was significant because he's usually pretty stingy with it and at this time it was clear that he was talking to me and just me. it was a conversation SORT OF something like what two friends might have. it legit looks like it is possible he and I could be friends in real life and I think that's pretty neat. he took time out to help me (though my comprehension was really only enhanced like 5% on top of the last three explanations two other people have given me) and he spoke to me as a peer and without silliness. it really was something. my reasonable brain says we won't become friends but I am still hopeful.
[composed Tuesday]
I don't know what fourth thing I was thinking of when I came up with the post title but let's say the fourth place my heart wanted to go was to Jesus. (4)
-lately I'm just not being a good friend or faithful or patient and (of course) it's costing me. (of course.) I really wanted to carve out time after work in that small window I had to unwind, have dinner, get ready for tomorrow and MAKE SURE I was in bed by 9 but I didn't. I took my unwindish time to watch an episode of "The Firm" (2012-present) (which is just SUCH a good show; it really quenches my thirst for mystery/action), to journal briefly, write an email, blog and watch the pilot episode of "Lost" (2004-2010) because I'm tired of being left out! I don't make time for Him and I pay. I pay not because I'm being punished but because I need help, I need refocusing, I need to reprioritise, I need to find my M.O. again...every day again. sigh. and here I sit blogging. let's go.
Sunday, 3 June 2012
When I don't work Fridays, I have an excuse to go in and chat up anyone I bally well please. #gift
Her: "Do you have the hots for him?"
Me: (with controlled straight face) "No." I choose to assume she means to ask if I'm interested.
Her: [variant of "I don't believe you"]
I look around sigh-and-stutter-ingly for a way to give a more thorough answer but avoid full disclosure because it's a busy coffee shop.
Her: (trying to read my silence) "Don' even trieyy to change the subjec'. Dis is about YHOU."
She sounds like she grew up in the West Indies. She did grow up in the West Indies. I love it.
Me: (still searching for that balance of honesty and confidentiality) "No, I'm not it's just (delicate...deeeelicate...)... I've thought about it but it'll never happen."
Her, after a moment: "Are you being silly right now? Like, about yourself?"
I thought she was accusing me of lying. "What do you mean?"
"Like...saying that it'll never happen.." She's asking if I'm being self-deprecating.
"No, no.... I mean half of my brain" (and I draw a line down the centre of my skull) "likes the idea and the other half knows it's a terrible idea."
Amazingly she understands. There's much more to say about each half and if we didn't have a dozen over-hearers I would have been happy to disclose further. (I am actually hoping for a moment aside next week to do so because without the full truth I realise it STILL sounds like I'm talking out of my rear. She's told me about similar things in a surprisingly candid way so I think the relationship can stand being upped to the next level. Looking forward.)
Her, slight step back and a nod: "Oh." Pause to think about it; pours a few coffees. "Is it because he's a badass?"
I gawked a little, even more caught off-guard than I was at her original question which also seemed to come from left field*. I didn't realise she knew him that well as she hasn't worked here very long. On top of this I just wasn't expecting to hear that term. (It's somewhat outdated, isn't it?)
*this phrase does annoy me more now that I care about baseball but I still like/use it for the shape.
I had to ask her to repeat herself even though I was aware of the current customer, M___, and that he was listening to us with mild amusement.
"Is it because he's a badass?"
(slightly animated because I'm uninhibited) "Oh, no. That's my favorite part!" I think I unconsciously clasped my hands together saying this but I don't remember.
Her eyes bug and she laughs briefly with a "WELL, then" face. It's funny. hahaha...
Hmm. Realising it will only get worse until I can explain the sensible half of my brain (I know I'll just keep taking liberties...it's what I do) I decide it's time to leave. I announce, "Well..." readjusting the suit jacket and tie I'm not wearing, "I'd better go before I do any more damage," which makes M___ laugh in a way I've never seen before. *Side highlight!*
"Especially," I continue, "because there's clearly other people listening," gesturing toward M.
His smile grows at the mention and he says slyly, "I can be bought," which makes me laugh big-ly. I'm taking some consolation in the fact that he didn't arrive til after the badass' name had been used so he probably can't blackmail me. Famous last words.
Me: (with controlled straight face) "No." I choose to assume she means to ask if I'm interested.
Her: [variant of "I don't believe you"]
I look around sigh-and-stutter-ingly for a way to give a more thorough answer but avoid full disclosure because it's a busy coffee shop.
Her: (trying to read my silence) "Don' even trieyy to change the subjec'. Dis is about YHOU."
She sounds like she grew up in the West Indies. She did grow up in the West Indies. I love it.
Me: (still searching for that balance of honesty and confidentiality) "No, I'm not it's just (delicate...deeeelicate...)... I've thought about it but it'll never happen."
Her, after a moment: "Are you being silly right now? Like, about yourself?"
I thought she was accusing me of lying. "What do you mean?"
"Like...saying that it'll never happen.." She's asking if I'm being self-deprecating.
"No, no.... I mean half of my brain" (and I draw a line down the centre of my skull) "likes the idea and the other half knows it's a terrible idea."
Amazingly she understands. There's much more to say about each half and if we didn't have a dozen over-hearers I would have been happy to disclose further. (I am actually hoping for a moment aside next week to do so because without the full truth I realise it STILL sounds like I'm talking out of my rear. She's told me about similar things in a surprisingly candid way so I think the relationship can stand being upped to the next level. Looking forward.)
Her, slight step back and a nod: "Oh." Pause to think about it; pours a few coffees. "Is it because he's a badass?"
I gawked a little, even more caught off-guard than I was at her original question which also seemed to come from left field*. I didn't realise she knew him that well as she hasn't worked here very long. On top of this I just wasn't expecting to hear that term. (It's somewhat outdated, isn't it?)
*this phrase does annoy me more now that I care about baseball but I still like/use it for the shape.
I had to ask her to repeat herself even though I was aware of the current customer, M___, and that he was listening to us with mild amusement.
"Is it because he's a badass?"
(slightly animated because I'm uninhibited) "Oh, no. That's my favorite part!" I think I unconsciously clasped my hands together saying this but I don't remember.
Her eyes bug and she laughs briefly with a "WELL, then" face. It's funny. hahaha...
Hmm. Realising it will only get worse until I can explain the sensible half of my brain (I know I'll just keep taking liberties...it's what I do) I decide it's time to leave. I announce, "Well..." readjusting the suit jacket and tie I'm not wearing, "I'd better go before I do any more damage," which makes M___ laugh in a way I've never seen before. *Side highlight!*
"Especially," I continue, "because there's clearly other people listening," gesturing toward M.
His smile grows at the mention and he says slyly, "I can be bought," which makes me laugh big-ly. I'm taking some consolation in the fact that he didn't arrive til after the badass' name had been used so he probably can't blackmail me. Famous last words.
Monday, 28 May 2012
triet XLIII
(1) pseudo-bonding moment with S over a can of Pepsi
(and that our whole conversation)
(2) surprising persistence in a "how are you" from J
(when I was too tired and drained to initiate conversation)
(3) much food for thought yielded by long conversation with someone new
(huge side-benefit of incredibly dry & creative sarcasm)
(and that our whole conversation)
(2) surprising persistence in a "how are you" from J
(when I was too tired and drained to initiate conversation)
(3) much food for thought yielded by long conversation with someone new
(huge side-benefit of incredibly dry & creative sarcasm)
Friday, 25 May 2012
green-painted cement
my forehead is twitching!
Today, a first: I asked someone if they wanted to go "to the track" and I did mean a track around which horses race. I think we're on...I think it will be fun. I might even do some homework.
Today, a second: I solicited the advice of a pharmacist because I can't stomach taking medical advice from non-medical professionals, i.e. from friends or family. He was so helpful and explained things in such an intelligent way I left very grateful and a little educated.
Today, for the first time: I mentally disappeared for a moment with a long-time regular. (I've disappeared with people I don't know but this was new.) He happened to know the customer I had just finished serving so while the regular put his purchases on the counter and half-turned to speak to the other man, I observed him. I don't make a habit of watching people or looking at them for longer than is appropriate but I was fascinated. I saw him climb into the Social Propriety / Small Talk / Politeness suit like I've never seen before. Different facial expressions, different replies, fake smile, feigned interest - fascinating. Made me realise how much he is himself with me OR how he wears an entirely different suit with me.
After taking in the strangeness of his different actions and speech, I found my eyes consuming the physical. And that's how I mentally disappeared for a moment...quietly being overwhelmed and paralysed by strong attraction (it's summer AND he works with his hands) and mild-to-moderate emotional attachment. He was still talking and didn't catch me. I snapped out in time and I think I got away with it, miracle of all miracles.
...though not something I mean to brag about. (None of this is.)
Today: the third time in three weeks I made plans to visit family in another city. YEEPsh this is getting mental. (All worth it. Different rarey peeps and special occasions each time.)
Today, for the umpteenth time: I became frustrated with my inability to force myself to finish some work. It's just so blobbo! Argh. I honestly wish I could buy motivation.
Today, for the funteenth time: I became re-enamoured with writing and sending letters by post. It's a joy.
Today, a first: I asked someone if they wanted to go "to the track" and I did mean a track around which horses race. I think we're on...I think it will be fun. I might even do some homework.
Today, a second: I solicited the advice of a pharmacist because I can't stomach taking medical advice from non-medical professionals, i.e. from friends or family. He was so helpful and explained things in such an intelligent way I left very grateful and a little educated.
Today, for the first time: I mentally disappeared for a moment with a long-time regular. (I've disappeared with people I don't know but this was new.) He happened to know the customer I had just finished serving so while the regular put his purchases on the counter and half-turned to speak to the other man, I observed him. I don't make a habit of watching people or looking at them for longer than is appropriate but I was fascinated. I saw him climb into the Social Propriety / Small Talk / Politeness suit like I've never seen before. Different facial expressions, different replies, fake smile, feigned interest - fascinating. Made me realise how much he is himself with me OR how he wears an entirely different suit with me.
After taking in the strangeness of his different actions and speech, I found my eyes consuming the physical. And that's how I mentally disappeared for a moment...quietly being overwhelmed and paralysed by strong attraction (it's summer AND he works with his hands) and mild-to-moderate emotional attachment. He was still talking and didn't catch me. I snapped out in time and I think I got away with it, miracle of all miracles.
...though not something I mean to brag about. (None of this is.)
Today: the third time in three weeks I made plans to visit family in another city. YEEPsh this is getting mental. (All worth it. Different rarey peeps and special occasions each time.)
Today, for the umpteenth time: I became frustrated with my inability to force myself to finish some work. It's just so blobbo! Argh. I honestly wish I could buy motivation.
Today, for the funteenth time: I became re-enamoured with writing and sending letters by post. It's a joy.
Sunday, 20 May 2012
rough week, OK weekend, weird mood.
I'm calling this a quiet Sunday evening. I got to a good place with my reading, I went for a stroll after dinner (this is not a habit of mine but I think I like the idea) and now I'm drinking Earl Grey while watching "The Simpsons" (1989-present) and "Bob's Burgers" (2011-present). "The Simpsons" ep was great.. Lady Gaga gueststarred which was fun and it was otherwise hilarious. I think she wrote a song for it and..I think I should be more impressed with her voice than I am.
Saw some fam from overseas on Saturday. Saw a bunch of other fam on Saturday and Friday, too. It was less painful in some regards than it has been before but it was also as moderately weird and uncomfortable as normal. I think I need to try to stay for longer periods when it comes to this extended fam so that I can settle in and be able to open up better. I need to work harder at these relationships because they just don't come easily, as I've probably assumed they would, given that it's family.
On Friday my boss asked me again what was going on with me/bothering me. He asked if it was something about the job that maybe he could change. I stalled at the first part but to the second said, "Nothing new," which made him laugh. I didn't mean it to be funny. I came into the day not feeling great, I came into his office full of dread and the look of a short-cheque on his desk with my name on it did nothing to lift my spirits.
What I would like him to change about the job would cost him money so I don't think he'll do it. Also I don't feel like arguing. Also, if I'm not looking for another job I should stop complaining.
My other boss suggested to him that it's the afternoon shifts that are throwing me off. He dismissed it before I could say anything but I do think it's a significant factor -- not that the hours are difficult but that I detest it so much and I think the aggression and bubbling frustration can become toxic within me.
He said that I should "be there" as a sort of solution/preventative measure regarding a handful of my recent costly errors. Something kinda clicked and I realised part of what's "bothering" me is that I don't want to be there.
While I was waiting for him to show up so I could get my cheque, I sat at a table at Tim Hortons to do a bit of work. Bunches of regulars said hello to me and some briefly chatted. I did my best to focus on what I was working on instead of looking up constantly to see who else I could chat with. [Part of the reason I came so early was to try to catch Pats Fan S____ who I needed to apologise to for how I behaved the day before so I kinda needed to do some monitoring but really..he would have found me.] It made me smile when they would say goodbye to me after they'd gotten their Tims and I was already back at work and they could have easily just walked out. I think five of them did it.
Coupla guys took their break at the table next to me (the same guys that take their break there every day..often two or three times a day) and they chatted on and off with me. They're very nice. I like them both. They are coworkers of S___ who buys du Maurier Distinct regular from me around 7 every morning, who is a Red Sox and Blackhawks fan, who has bought me coffee a few times, who I tried to make breakfast for once, who claims he's never been in a good mood, who once yelled, "I love you...but not in a gay way" to me, who hates his job, who I've made laugh but twice and comedian laugh* twice, who sometimes makes me laugh at his silliness and other times makes me recoil at his surliness**. He's great.
*Joan Rivers in a January 2008 issue of Esquire Magazine said, "Tell a joke to a comedian and he won't laugh. He'll point at you and say, 'That's funny.'"
**I had my definition of this word corrected just this weekend (I was way off).
1. churlishly rude or bad-tempered
2. unfriendly or hostile; menacingly irritable
It's so fitting. I'm glad I found it.
--
On a separate note I have some chicken scratch on a piece of paper I'd like to throw away.
Pats Fan S____ came in some day in the last couple weeks and stayed to talk with me for 20 or 30 minutes as he's made a habit of in the last two months or so. It seems that with my ever-changing schedule and his -ness this works out best for him. Sometimes he'll buy me a hot bev but either way it's really a blessing to have him stay and chat. This time he was talking about things that were going on with his family and it was really heavy, sad stuff.
When he'd come in earlier he seemed subdued which is usually the result of tiredness or frustration at work. Sometimes I ask, sometimes I don't. Now that he was staying and we'd talked enough about me, I asked. He told me and I listened. Much of it was hard to respond to because sometimes family stuff sucks. Sometimes we just beg for the passage of time to do its thing.
The presence of customers was making it hard for me to figure out how to appropriately express my empathy and compassion. I think he could read some of it from my solemnity and limited responses as the story got deeper and deeper. Finally he needed to go home. I said a quiet "OK" with a nod and I probably sounded sad or something. I think it was my "I wish I could make this go away for you" face/voice...I donno. (And then I think I was disappointed I couldn't express that - not that it matters much.)
As he walked away he said, "And smile," which involuntarily produced a small one on my face. It was a variant of "cheer up" that's different from when customers I've never seen before tell me to smile and I want to smack them. I don't like being told what emotions to have and I firmly believe fake smiles are useless. (If I feel like smiling I will! It's not my job to be happy in front of you.)
I didn't say anything but just looked at him with a life-can-be-shit-but-let's-keep-plodding-on eyes & smile. Then he added, his face lightening a bit, "You smile, I'll smile." My smile got a bit bigger at this.
"Wait...that's a song, isn't it?" he says and starts looking like his old self. We both realise at the same moment that it was the Biebs but he says it first. We both laugh at the marvellous coincidence that couldn't have done better for levity. (If I could describe how salt-of-the-earth pick-up truck, contractor, grizzly beard, always spattered with plaster and in a cloud of drywall dust S____ is, it might better show the gorgeous contrast and absurdity of his Justin Bieber reference.)
Saw some fam from overseas on Saturday. Saw a bunch of other fam on Saturday and Friday, too. It was less painful in some regards than it has been before but it was also as moderately weird and uncomfortable as normal. I think I need to try to stay for longer periods when it comes to this extended fam so that I can settle in and be able to open up better. I need to work harder at these relationships because they just don't come easily, as I've probably assumed they would, given that it's family.
On Friday my boss asked me again what was going on with me/bothering me. He asked if it was something about the job that maybe he could change. I stalled at the first part but to the second said, "Nothing new," which made him laugh. I didn't mean it to be funny. I came into the day not feeling great, I came into his office full of dread and the look of a short-cheque on his desk with my name on it did nothing to lift my spirits.
What I would like him to change about the job would cost him money so I don't think he'll do it. Also I don't feel like arguing. Also, if I'm not looking for another job I should stop complaining.
My other boss suggested to him that it's the afternoon shifts that are throwing me off. He dismissed it before I could say anything but I do think it's a significant factor -- not that the hours are difficult but that I detest it so much and I think the aggression and bubbling frustration can become toxic within me.
He said that I should "be there" as a sort of solution/preventative measure regarding a handful of my recent costly errors. Something kinda clicked and I realised part of what's "bothering" me is that I don't want to be there.
While I was waiting for him to show up so I could get my cheque, I sat at a table at Tim Hortons to do a bit of work. Bunches of regulars said hello to me and some briefly chatted. I did my best to focus on what I was working on instead of looking up constantly to see who else I could chat with. [Part of the reason I came so early was to try to catch Pats Fan S____ who I needed to apologise to for how I behaved the day before so I kinda needed to do some monitoring but really..he would have found me.] It made me smile when they would say goodbye to me after they'd gotten their Tims and I was already back at work and they could have easily just walked out. I think five of them did it.
Coupla guys took their break at the table next to me (the same guys that take their break there every day..often two or three times a day) and they chatted on and off with me. They're very nice. I like them both. They are coworkers of S___ who buys du Maurier Distinct regular from me around 7 every morning, who is a Red Sox and Blackhawks fan, who has bought me coffee a few times, who I tried to make breakfast for once, who claims he's never been in a good mood, who once yelled, "I love you...but not in a gay way" to me, who hates his job, who I've made laugh but twice and comedian laugh* twice, who sometimes makes me laugh at his silliness and other times makes me recoil at his surliness**. He's great.
*Joan Rivers in a January 2008 issue of Esquire Magazine said, "Tell a joke to a comedian and he won't laugh. He'll point at you and say, 'That's funny.'"
**I had my definition of this word corrected just this weekend (I was way off).
1. churlishly rude or bad-tempered
2. unfriendly or hostile; menacingly irritable
It's so fitting. I'm glad I found it.
--
On a separate note I have some chicken scratch on a piece of paper I'd like to throw away.
Pats Fan S____ came in some day in the last couple weeks and stayed to talk with me for 20 or 30 minutes as he's made a habit of in the last two months or so. It seems that with my ever-changing schedule and his -ness this works out best for him. Sometimes he'll buy me a hot bev but either way it's really a blessing to have him stay and chat. This time he was talking about things that were going on with his family and it was really heavy, sad stuff.
When he'd come in earlier he seemed subdued which is usually the result of tiredness or frustration at work. Sometimes I ask, sometimes I don't. Now that he was staying and we'd talked enough about me, I asked. He told me and I listened. Much of it was hard to respond to because sometimes family stuff sucks. Sometimes we just beg for the passage of time to do its thing.
The presence of customers was making it hard for me to figure out how to appropriately express my empathy and compassion. I think he could read some of it from my solemnity and limited responses as the story got deeper and deeper. Finally he needed to go home. I said a quiet "OK" with a nod and I probably sounded sad or something. I think it was my "I wish I could make this go away for you" face/voice...I donno. (And then I think I was disappointed I couldn't express that - not that it matters much.)
As he walked away he said, "And smile," which involuntarily produced a small one on my face. It was a variant of "cheer up" that's different from when customers I've never seen before tell me to smile and I want to smack them. I don't like being told what emotions to have and I firmly believe fake smiles are useless. (If I feel like smiling I will! It's not my job to be happy in front of you.)
I didn't say anything but just looked at him with a life-can-be-shit-but-let's-keep-plodding-on eyes & smile. Then he added, his face lightening a bit, "You smile, I'll smile." My smile got a bit bigger at this.
"Wait...that's a song, isn't it?" he says and starts looking like his old self. We both realise at the same moment that it was the Biebs but he says it first. We both laugh at the marvellous coincidence that couldn't have done better for levity. (If I could describe how salt-of-the-earth pick-up truck, contractor, grizzly beard, always spattered with plaster and in a cloud of drywall dust S____ is, it might better show the gorgeous contrast and absurdity of his Justin Bieber reference.)
Thursday, 17 May 2012
let's go out to dinner tonight.
the last bits of last, last Monday are small. perhaps they seemed greater in the context of all the other fun stories because of a compounding effect. I generally don't mind compounding effects that pertain to a good day.
(I've had "blog Monday" on my to-do list for a while..I'm looking for a cheap way to cross something off.)
I realised earlier today that I'm waiting for something to be over so things can get back to normal -- but I have no idea what that something is! There is no seasonal/short-term thing that I'm in the middle of that has a definite end date. Not sure what's going on.
I feel so angry right now. Something happened this morning that resulted in me fuming in silence with a furrowed brow for about 45 minutes. I did try to argue a bit but ended up leaving because I only felt like punching someone or smashing something. I don't know how I didn't get a muscle cramp in my forehead, I really don't. I don't know what made me stop being angry for a while and I don't know why I can't let this thing go. (I do know, actually.... but I ..think I wish I didn't care.)
I don't know how I could have misplaced my Psychology degree as well as my counselor accreditation but I think I have anger issues / an anger problem. THAT or I just get angry in a different way from others. Or I don't know how others feel on the inside. Or I need to own a punching bag and gloves. OR I need to let my tongue loose immediately so I can express what's angered me. (sentence fragments...four of them.)
D. Last, last Monday, J__ (a supplier) arrived in a manner similar to the last several weeks. He comes when I've forgotten I will see him that day. He walks in and my face explodes into a smile (unless I fight to suppress it because I'm dealing with someone else). Chemicals rush about that scientists could describe because I'm glad to see him. I think right before he came in on the Monday in question (now 16 days ago) I was feeling down about something, or feeling small. He called me "darlin'" at just the right time. Sometimes he calls me "my dear" (usually when he's leaving) and he also calls my (female) boss that. [I wouldn't say I missed out on the norm of pet names growing up, but it def wasn't in my household. So, I guess I hear it more clearly as an adult.]
The darlin' was meaningful to me for whatever reason. I'm now reflecting on Monday of this week when he asked me (for the hundredth time) whether I'd be there on Thursday morning when next he'd show up. I told him that I'd be there at 3 and not subtly suggested he show up at that time instead of his usual 9am-ish-ness. He said maybe he could come late. I leaned forward (read: full-on 90-degree angle flopped forward -- very unprofessional) and VERY hopefully said, "Really??!!" with big, eager eyes. He laughed almost apologetically, understanding that he'd gotten my hopes up, and told me he may have been being a bit sarcastic.
I slunk back to a human standing position saying only, "Oh," to accept the situation and express mild disappointment. His face of sheepish I-didn't-mean-to-mess-with-you-so-hard was amusing. I can wait a week. I took some consolation as I remembered the Ziploc bag to my left that I had been continually reminding myself to not forget while he was working. It contained two homemade cookies that I wanted to give him. I understand the man has a sweet tooth and I suppose I don't gift him often. I made sure there were only two in the bag so he couldn't tell me it was too much.
I had predicted correctly: the first thing he said was, "what are you trying to do to me?" I gave him the brief context but really offered no reason and I think he didn't need one (which is superb).
He said it would make a great breakfast and I made a sound of disgust while shaking my head.
He thanked me kindly and then headed out.
E. Miserable S____ was in on the big Monday -- and of course he was.
He bought cigarettes and a couple of Red Bull but no Powerade. My shift had just finished so while I was doing some totals he came round to bug me. (I actually don't remember if I started it this time or he did but the result's the same.) I asked why he hadn't picked any sports drinks and he told me it wasn't hot enough out. He said that he felt cool inside so he didn't need to be cooled down. (I remember being a little confused by his explanation but I think it made sense..)
I asked, not really thinking about my straight face until after he responded, if he stayed cool because his heart was made of ice. My face must have been perfect dead-pan because he did not see the dis coming at all and looked like he'd taken a perfect sniper shot through the eyeball. (A sniper shot of funny to the eyeball of sense-of-humor, of course.)
I can't describe the grin that broke across his face. It shocked me.... I thought my comment was lame. He thought it was funny and for some reason found it endearing. I'm not even sure he mustered a comeback.
Oh, the grin.
This is all I have to say about that Monday. On to the next.
(I've had "blog Monday" on my to-do list for a while..I'm looking for a cheap way to cross something off.)
I realised earlier today that I'm waiting for something to be over so things can get back to normal -- but I have no idea what that something is! There is no seasonal/short-term thing that I'm in the middle of that has a definite end date. Not sure what's going on.
I feel so angry right now. Something happened this morning that resulted in me fuming in silence with a furrowed brow for about 45 minutes. I did try to argue a bit but ended up leaving because I only felt like punching someone or smashing something. I don't know how I didn't get a muscle cramp in my forehead, I really don't. I don't know what made me stop being angry for a while and I don't know why I can't let this thing go. (I do know, actually.... but I ..think I wish I didn't care.)
I don't know how I could have misplaced my Psychology degree as well as my counselor accreditation but I think I have anger issues / an anger problem. THAT or I just get angry in a different way from others. Or I don't know how others feel on the inside. Or I need to own a punching bag and gloves. OR I need to let my tongue loose immediately so I can express what's angered me. (sentence fragments...four of them.)
D. Last, last Monday, J__ (a supplier) arrived in a manner similar to the last several weeks. He comes when I've forgotten I will see him that day. He walks in and my face explodes into a smile (unless I fight to suppress it because I'm dealing with someone else). Chemicals rush about that scientists could describe because I'm glad to see him. I think right before he came in on the Monday in question (now 16 days ago) I was feeling down about something, or feeling small. He called me "darlin'" at just the right time. Sometimes he calls me "my dear" (usually when he's leaving) and he also calls my (female) boss that. [I wouldn't say I missed out on the norm of pet names growing up, but it def wasn't in my household. So, I guess I hear it more clearly as an adult.]
The darlin' was meaningful to me for whatever reason. I'm now reflecting on Monday of this week when he asked me (for the hundredth time) whether I'd be there on Thursday morning when next he'd show up. I told him that I'd be there at 3 and not subtly suggested he show up at that time instead of his usual 9am-ish-ness. He said maybe he could come late. I leaned forward (read: full-on 90-degree angle flopped forward -- very unprofessional) and VERY hopefully said, "Really??!!" with big, eager eyes. He laughed almost apologetically, understanding that he'd gotten my hopes up, and told me he may have been being a bit sarcastic.
I slunk back to a human standing position saying only, "Oh," to accept the situation and express mild disappointment. His face of sheepish I-didn't-mean-to-mess-with-you-so-hard was amusing. I can wait a week. I took some consolation as I remembered the Ziploc bag to my left that I had been continually reminding myself to not forget while he was working. It contained two homemade cookies that I wanted to give him. I understand the man has a sweet tooth and I suppose I don't gift him often. I made sure there were only two in the bag so he couldn't tell me it was too much.
I had predicted correctly: the first thing he said was, "what are you trying to do to me?" I gave him the brief context but really offered no reason and I think he didn't need one (which is superb).
He said it would make a great breakfast and I made a sound of disgust while shaking my head.
He thanked me kindly and then headed out.
E. Miserable S____ was in on the big Monday -- and of course he was.
He bought cigarettes and a couple of Red Bull but no Powerade. My shift had just finished so while I was doing some totals he came round to bug me. (I actually don't remember if I started it this time or he did but the result's the same.) I asked why he hadn't picked any sports drinks and he told me it wasn't hot enough out. He said that he felt cool inside so he didn't need to be cooled down. (I remember being a little confused by his explanation but I think it made sense..)
I asked, not really thinking about my straight face until after he responded, if he stayed cool because his heart was made of ice. My face must have been perfect dead-pan because he did not see the dis coming at all and looked like he'd taken a perfect sniper shot through the eyeball. (A sniper shot of funny to the eyeball of sense-of-humor, of course.)
I can't describe the grin that broke across his face. It shocked me.... I thought my comment was lame. He thought it was funny and for some reason found it endearing. I'm not even sure he mustered a comeback.
Oh, the grin.
This is all I have to say about that Monday. On to the next.
Monday, 14 May 2012
another swimmy Monday.
A friend of mine asked me this afternoon how my work day had been about forty minutes after it was done. Yesterday she had asked me to do something that would violate my Sunday curfew. I agreed of my own volition (so there's zero resentment) but didn't get home until 90 minutes later than I thought I would because she had told me 9pm woudl be it
I replied the following:
"I was... weirdly alert. Not 100% but really great for what ended up being 4.5 hours of slumber. When I got home I remembered that I wanted to make cookies for A_____'s birthday (she works at the Tims next to us)... And so, with the ekklesi-YA service and [our pastor's] sermon still fresh in my brain/heart, I decided that YES, I would make the cookies at 11pm because I was doing it "for the Gospel". If I stay up for good reasons (more sacraficialish reasons instead of selfish reasons, like watching tele) then I feel less tired when I awake. It's like the lack of regret makes a difference. Nice things kept happening at work, too, that spurred me on. It was grape."
She responded very enthusiastically which encouraged me more than I would have considered. She also told me about her day and weekend.
Yesterday afternoon she called to ask if I would consider leading musical worship for their Young Adults group, ekklesi-YA, that evening because the person who was slotted to do it seemed unable to get back to Guelph in time. I plucked a few details and then asked if I could think about it and call her back soon.
I looked around briefly but couldn't find any Easter Island head-sized reasons to say no. YES, when she called I was just about to nap and YES, I wanted to finish the ball game later, do some reading and get in bed at a lovely time. But......
..last weekend I felt suffocated by the depth of my desire to bring music to people. I say "bring" because I don't yet know what verb would here be appropriate. I like doing it alone and in groups. I like doing/sharing what people know and what they don't know. I like it all. But the desire to do it in a significant and large capacity sometimes feels like it will consume me. I feel like I'm drowning because I just can't get the music out. I have no idea how to put this into words. But it's in me... and I felt it acutely last Saturday when I spent two hours recording songs.
So, when this ridiculous opportunity came up, I felt a bit weirded out by it. This is something I have been wanting to try (leading vocally and accompanying myself) - but can't where I am - and it fits into the aforementioned desire to [share] music. It's not what I prayed for in particular but...I didn't pray very particularly to begin with because I don't know what I want!
I took the opportunity. It was weird and it was difficult but I took it. I used the three limiting factors (what the guests would be speaking about, what songs the ppl in this group know, what songs I know & can play well) to come up with a song set. And then my I-do-this-every-week experience kicked in so swiftly that it shocked me and everything else was a walk in the park. The biggest obstacle seemed to be finding an Ab major chord after a Db (after an F). [This should not be and is not a real obstacle. I was glitching.] A few more scribbles and I was jake. Adequate time to practice and grow accustomed to the space, keyboard and sound of my solo voice through the house but not through a monitor and I couldn't complain.
I didn't know how to do it, mind you...I don't know how to do it, I only know who God is and how to play music. I don't particularly like making eye-contact with people while singing but I'm sure there's a place for it.
Let me not squish the ability and glory of the Maker of Heaven and Earth into some sentences in 21st-century Canadian/British/American English. I can say that He moved. I was so.... delighted to see our three rows of people worshiping Christ and ignoring me. They barely noticed me as they read words on a screen to my right and praised the only One who deserves praise. It was really something. (It was really different.)
People and people and other people told me they were blessed... thanked me... one said it was not distracting (as it usually is, in his estimation) which was particularly meaningful. They all sounded sincere. The friend who invited me seemed amazed by me. I don't know who they were talking about. I was just sitting there. I don't know what happened.
I do know that it was funny how I had been glad I didn't notice skipping dinner because the prospect of doing this new, scary thing killed my appetite - it was downright convenient that I could just keep practicing - but that as SOON as my bum was back in a congregant chair and the music portion was officially done, my stomach untwisted its knickers and said, "'SUP?" very loudly.
[I didn't plan that but now it's a pun --> both a contraction of "What's up?" and the verb to sup (as in, eating the dinners). My stomach said, "sup." Ha.]
Snap of the fingers and an appetite resurrected itself. Funny. Good job the pre-service snacks were still in the foyer. I found someone else out there and opened with, "I'm glad I'm not the only scavenger," and shocked myself to find my (more out-going side of my) personality had also become un-paralysed. I chatted with him a bit (turns out I know him from work and from a million years ago) and then my friend also came out and scavenged a bit, too. He said it was better that there were three of us now. I agreed and reasoned that it, "decrease[d] the shame." She said because there were three of us it was holy.
Call it what you want... grapes, two Timbits and a handful of tortilla chips do NOT a meal make. But it was delicious.
This is not at all what I had planned to write about but I'm glad I did.
I replied the following:
"I was... weirdly alert. Not 100% but really great for what ended up being 4.5 hours of slumber. When I got home I remembered that I wanted to make cookies for A_____'s birthday (she works at the Tims next to us)... And so, with the ekklesi-YA service and [our pastor's] sermon still fresh in my brain/heart, I decided that YES, I would make the cookies at 11pm because I was doing it "for the Gospel". If I stay up for good reasons (more sacraficialish reasons instead of selfish reasons, like watching tele) then I feel less tired when I awake. It's like the lack of regret makes a difference. Nice things kept happening at work, too, that spurred me on. It was grape."
She responded very enthusiastically which encouraged me more than I would have considered. She also told me about her day and weekend.
Yesterday afternoon she called to ask if I would consider leading musical worship for their Young Adults group, ekklesi-YA, that evening because the person who was slotted to do it seemed unable to get back to Guelph in time. I plucked a few details and then asked if I could think about it and call her back soon.
I looked around briefly but couldn't find any Easter Island head-sized reasons to say no. YES, when she called I was just about to nap and YES, I wanted to finish the ball game later, do some reading and get in bed at a lovely time. But......
..last weekend I felt suffocated by the depth of my desire to bring music to people. I say "bring" because I don't yet know what verb would here be appropriate. I like doing it alone and in groups. I like doing/sharing what people know and what they don't know. I like it all. But the desire to do it in a significant and large capacity sometimes feels like it will consume me. I feel like I'm drowning because I just can't get the music out. I have no idea how to put this into words. But it's in me... and I felt it acutely last Saturday when I spent two hours recording songs.
So, when this ridiculous opportunity came up, I felt a bit weirded out by it. This is something I have been wanting to try (leading vocally and accompanying myself) - but can't where I am - and it fits into the aforementioned desire to [share] music. It's not what I prayed for in particular but...I didn't pray very particularly to begin with because I don't know what I want!
I took the opportunity. It was weird and it was difficult but I took it. I used the three limiting factors (what the guests would be speaking about, what songs the ppl in this group know, what songs I know & can play well) to come up with a song set. And then my I-do-this-every-week experience kicked in so swiftly that it shocked me and everything else was a walk in the park. The biggest obstacle seemed to be finding an Ab major chord after a Db (after an F). [This should not be and is not a real obstacle. I was glitching.] A few more scribbles and I was jake. Adequate time to practice and grow accustomed to the space, keyboard and sound of my solo voice through the house but not through a monitor and I couldn't complain.
 |
| The only piece of paper on my music stand. |
Let me not squish the ability and glory of the Maker of Heaven and Earth into some sentences in 21st-century Canadian/British/American English. I can say that He moved. I was so.... delighted to see our three rows of people worshiping Christ and ignoring me. They barely noticed me as they read words on a screen to my right and praised the only One who deserves praise. It was really something. (It was really different.)
People and people and other people told me they were blessed... thanked me... one said it was not distracting (as it usually is, in his estimation) which was particularly meaningful. They all sounded sincere. The friend who invited me seemed amazed by me. I don't know who they were talking about. I was just sitting there. I don't know what happened.
I do know that it was funny how I had been glad I didn't notice skipping dinner because the prospect of doing this new, scary thing killed my appetite - it was downright convenient that I could just keep practicing - but that as SOON as my bum was back in a congregant chair and the music portion was officially done, my stomach untwisted its knickers and said, "'SUP?" very loudly.
[I didn't plan that but now it's a pun --> both a contraction of "What's up?" and the verb to sup (as in, eating the dinners). My stomach said, "sup." Ha.]
Snap of the fingers and an appetite resurrected itself. Funny. Good job the pre-service snacks were still in the foyer. I found someone else out there and opened with, "I'm glad I'm not the only scavenger," and shocked myself to find my (more out-going side of my) personality had also become un-paralysed. I chatted with him a bit (turns out I know him from work and from a million years ago) and then my friend also came out and scavenged a bit, too. He said it was better that there were three of us now. I agreed and reasoned that it, "decrease[d] the shame." She said because there were three of us it was holy.
Call it what you want... grapes, two Timbits and a handful of tortilla chips do NOT a meal make. But it was delicious.
This is not at all what I had planned to write about but I'm glad I did.
Tuesday, 8 May 2012
and now it's next Monday.
I decided that this photo was me. I thought about how I would set this up on my way home..and then I took off my shoes and did it. (I'm not a photographess by any stretch but I wanted to make this.) The gap between idea and execution is large enough for me in most circumstances but when it comes to artistic things, I'll take whim as a motivation any day. Done.
Got inspired chatting with a photographish friend and thumbing through his shots this evening -- not that I have big plans but that I like photography and art and it was inspiring and he partially agreed to my proposition whereby we will work together in the future. yay!
(They are tattered black shoes on a concrete floor in an unfinished hallway.)
It's late but I feel a little too weird to go to sleep. Also, I had a weird nap earlier. Also, if I keep busy I don't have to think about things I don't want to think about. [pull nervously at collar]
Last Monday...
B) A man dressed in a medieval tunic and chain mail leggings leaned out from third in line to grab a pack of gum. B______ was second in line and we both noticed the be-costumed man at the same time. B leaned out from behind my current customer and gave me the big eyes that yell a thousand words social convention forbids you to say aloud. My goodness. He made the eyes and the almost-smile and I immediately dropped my head and tried to cover my laugh-stifling smile with a hand. I don't think I fully got away with it and I know the guy in the costume was going to be getting this reaction all day.
The tunic and chain mail was fun enough to see on its own but B______'s face...the fact that he LEANED out of line into my line of sight to make a "this guy is unreal" face was just too much. [I've been avoiding penning this pseudo-tale because there's no way I can put his face or my response into words.] I think what made it more fun with B in particular is that a third of what we ever talk about is the strangeness of people/other people. When I go visit him, he could tell me about this passerby or that, knowing who they are or not. We also talk hypothetically about what this guy might be about or what she may have been thinking...and he is an expert mocker. He doesn't cross the line much and he is FUNNY. So, I guess to see someone LEGIT in medieval garb...in 2012... buying chewing gum...for us to both see it with our own eyes was just too much. A jackpot. Sigh. Hard to describe.
C) There's a guy that I don't really know but kinda know... I guess if we were coworkers in a big office, he would be my Hey Guy. I suppose I first became familiar with him last summer when I was working mostly in the afternoon and he would buy Canadian Classic small white regular. We spoke with medium friendliness and have connected to the point where if I saw him outside of work I would stop walking to speak with him instead of just waving but we're not connected to the point where I know what his first name is.
Last Movember I hassled him mercilessly about his offensive grosstache and that, I realise as I am presently typing, must be the missing clue to amiability here. Huh. I hassled him hard... it was a really gross stache. For the longest time, I've been trying to figure out why he thinks we're buds but it must be Movember that solidified something for him.
Now, after a few months' hiatus, we smile in acknowledgment across the store several times a day as he's started being around in the mornings and apparently is fond of Tim Hortons. He doesn't buy cigarettes from me any more so we only talk if I happen to also be at Tims. But he does go out of his way to make eye-contact and greet me at some point each day which I appreciate because it's so innocuous and kind. I think I appreciate that he wants to say hello to me but that's it. There are a bunch of peeps who want to say hello to me all the every time but they also want to chit-chat and get into my life ...which in their case I am not interested in. I like that he's not demanding or expecting anything.
This past Monday had a pos and a neg, I think.... It was barely 11am by the time he'd entered the building for the third time. He catches my eye and at the same moment he sticks his tongue out at me (like the mouthy kid behind the disciplnarian's back), I've held up three fingers and put a look of mock-condescension on my face. He mirrors the hand gesture and asks what I mean. "It's the third time..." I say, still trying to sound like he should be ashamed of himself. He's walking toward me now, to get some clarification.
"My third time what? Giving you the tongue?"
(this would be the neg.)
I laugh uncomfortably (partly at the weirdness of feeling like I have to retrieve grade school vocabulary interpret the phrase) and push to move past it. I explain that no, it's his third time getting coffee that very morning.
By this point he's right at the counter, a foot and a half away, and fills me in on his situation. He's not working "with those guys" (...he thinks I remember the "guys" but I don't!) anymore but is training to be an I-don't-remember-the-job-title-nor-did-I-understand-it-so-I-will-need-to-ask-him-again just up the road. He tells me that's why he's in here so often which I take to mean he gets breaks between classes AND possibly that he feels a greater need for caffiene. Doesn't seem like a slacker, which I like.
It was a peculiar moment. We really don't talk. He will make fun of me...but that's brief and my replies contain few words. It felt odd to hear him string so many words together in sentence after sentence because I'm used to blips and pleasantries. I was a little off my game (I think I was tired that day) so that I failed to ask as many questions as I would have liked to which meant the conversation didn't last more than a few minutes.
(this was the pos.)
I'm happy that he chose to share just a smidge of his life with me because it's all the starting point/invitation/extension of trust that I need to kick into second gear. I actually literally see a green light in my mind's eye (in the top right corner) when people open this door. And there's a little bing! sound.
Unnamed former customer, prepare to be friendlied at and interested in.
--
Only two things left on my Monday list (but it'll be three if I can remember why S____'s name is there...).
Friday, 4 May 2012
great Jays win tonight (and the two nights before).
I asked myself to blog about Monday but right now it's Thursday and I doubt I can do it justice.
A) Before half-past seven in the morning I had been given a medium hot chocolate from Tims for free.
S___ [not Miserable S and not Pats fan S... I really should have assigned fake names] came in late for a Monday and was still on the phone by the time he reached me. I like overhearing him on the phone because I can hear him have proper conversations with full sentences. He speaks more freely with men than with women (which I respect). I also appreciated being given a heads-up in terms of the mood for which I needed to prepare myself. He seemed to be in a decent mood. The fact that ANY words were coming out of his mouth is always a good sign.
I got his cigarettes and as he was pulling money out and ending his conversation, he asked for some rolling papers. When I'm at the shelf, he adds, "please," as a very nice addition. (I wonder if he realises what a contrast this poses to how he is on other days, to how I saw him this afternoon: an intense, closed expression and three words. "Here's three pennies," he blurted in virtual monotone as an afterthought, and otherwise looked through me as if a stranger.) I smiled to the "please" but wasn't able to turn to face him because of how I was holding the boxes that were temporarily blocking the shelves. I never know how to respond to his being playful - or trying to be playful - because it's so bizarre. If I'm honest I started wondering if the papers were connected to why he was in a good mood.
When I came back he said something about hiding the papers... It was weird and I didn't exactly know what he wanted me to do or from whom I should be hiding them. His coworkers hadn't arrived yet and the product itself is legal. Who knows? He's a funny guy. I half-laughed and smiled along with his amusement. As long as S___'s in a good mood, I'm happy.
He went to the loo and my day continued as normal. When he came back out, I was waiting for customers in the store and outside, basically surveying and being attentive. (Feels like warm-up stretches for busy days like these....Working my alertness muscles and observing patterns.) I heard the door to the men's room open and close but I had no reason to turn to my left. I had actually been praying that morning that I wouldn't see him that day because he gets all up in my head, either with just over-thinking how we talk or with other more nefarious things. I didn't want to look forward to my Monday morning because of him. Gross.
So, I didn't look. I didn't have anything to say, anyways. Last time I tried, he snubbed me. Today, he caught my eye as he passed, mimed bringing a cup to his mouth and asked smoothly, "Coffee?"
I really don't know what my face looked like but I bet it was weird. I was struggling to not overreact that I might have under-reacted. It's possible my expression didn't change at all but I felt at the time that I looked like I was in pain. Maybe he's a man and doesn't read facial expressions/non-verbal communication in general as well as I anticipate.
My face contorted as I replied, "Hot chocolate?" like I was apologising for being a nine-year-old Girl Guide. I don't think I really wanted anything from Tims at the time but I wasn't about to say no to the gesture and certainly not to Mercurial S___.
I was serving a customer when he returned so he called my name (I'm here impressed that he remembers it, especially on a day when I've forgotten my nametag) as he walked up, plopped the cup down and then headed toward the door. Oh. Just put that together - he was in a good mood when he came in cos he'd already had breakfast. Usually he has breakfast with his coworkers, somewhere between 7 and 7.30 and after cigarettes and a bathroom break. Yes. A full stomach makes a happy S___, so he tells me. Got it.
I stumbled to say, "thank you," in a way that sounded sincere without being ridiculous. He seems to find me quiet often so I don't even know if he heard me but I hope he did because ingratitude is inexcusable in my books.
It made my day. It made half my week, really. The drink is not expensive, buying and delivering it is not a big task and Tim Hortons hot chocolate doesn't even taste that good. But he offered. What's more, he offered on a day when I didn't make him laugh, I didn't say anything particularly interesting or flattering and we, in my estimation, didn't connect in any way, so I couldn't call it a reciprocal gesture.
It made me happy. I don't care what it means. It was nice and it made me (SO) happy.
:)
I appear to have made a list of things to blog about from Monday but because there are five items on it, it's 2.24am and this post is already huge, I'm quitting for the night.
A) Before half-past seven in the morning I had been given a medium hot chocolate from Tims for free.
S___ [not Miserable S and not Pats fan S... I really should have assigned fake names] came in late for a Monday and was still on the phone by the time he reached me. I like overhearing him on the phone because I can hear him have proper conversations with full sentences. He speaks more freely with men than with women (which I respect). I also appreciated being given a heads-up in terms of the mood for which I needed to prepare myself. He seemed to be in a decent mood. The fact that ANY words were coming out of his mouth is always a good sign.
I got his cigarettes and as he was pulling money out and ending his conversation, he asked for some rolling papers. When I'm at the shelf, he adds, "please," as a very nice addition. (I wonder if he realises what a contrast this poses to how he is on other days, to how I saw him this afternoon: an intense, closed expression and three words. "Here's three pennies," he blurted in virtual monotone as an afterthought, and otherwise looked through me as if a stranger.) I smiled to the "please" but wasn't able to turn to face him because of how I was holding the boxes that were temporarily blocking the shelves. I never know how to respond to his being playful - or trying to be playful - because it's so bizarre. If I'm honest I started wondering if the papers were connected to why he was in a good mood.
When I came back he said something about hiding the papers... It was weird and I didn't exactly know what he wanted me to do or from whom I should be hiding them. His coworkers hadn't arrived yet and the product itself is legal. Who knows? He's a funny guy. I half-laughed and smiled along with his amusement. As long as S___'s in a good mood, I'm happy.
He went to the loo and my day continued as normal. When he came back out, I was waiting for customers in the store and outside, basically surveying and being attentive. (Feels like warm-up stretches for busy days like these....Working my alertness muscles and observing patterns.) I heard the door to the men's room open and close but I had no reason to turn to my left. I had actually been praying that morning that I wouldn't see him that day because he gets all up in my head, either with just over-thinking how we talk or with other more nefarious things. I didn't want to look forward to my Monday morning because of him. Gross.
So, I didn't look. I didn't have anything to say, anyways. Last time I tried, he snubbed me. Today, he caught my eye as he passed, mimed bringing a cup to his mouth and asked smoothly, "Coffee?"
I really don't know what my face looked like but I bet it was weird. I was struggling to not overreact that I might have under-reacted. It's possible my expression didn't change at all but I felt at the time that I looked like I was in pain. Maybe he's a man and doesn't read facial expressions/non-verbal communication in general as well as I anticipate.
My face contorted as I replied, "Hot chocolate?" like I was apologising for being a nine-year-old Girl Guide. I don't think I really wanted anything from Tims at the time but I wasn't about to say no to the gesture and certainly not to Mercurial S___.
I was serving a customer when he returned so he called my name (I'm here impressed that he remembers it, especially on a day when I've forgotten my nametag) as he walked up, plopped the cup down and then headed toward the door. Oh. Just put that together - he was in a good mood when he came in cos he'd already had breakfast. Usually he has breakfast with his coworkers, somewhere between 7 and 7.30 and after cigarettes and a bathroom break. Yes. A full stomach makes a happy S___, so he tells me. Got it.
I stumbled to say, "thank you," in a way that sounded sincere without being ridiculous. He seems to find me quiet often so I don't even know if he heard me but I hope he did because ingratitude is inexcusable in my books.
It made my day. It made half my week, really. The drink is not expensive, buying and delivering it is not a big task and Tim Hortons hot chocolate doesn't even taste that good. But he offered. What's more, he offered on a day when I didn't make him laugh, I didn't say anything particularly interesting or flattering and we, in my estimation, didn't connect in any way, so I couldn't call it a reciprocal gesture.
It made me happy. I don't care what it means. It was nice and it made me (SO) happy.
:)
I appear to have made a list of things to blog about from Monday but because there are five items on it, it's 2.24am and this post is already huge, I'm quitting for the night.
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