I like getting my head bitten off by strangers for something that isn't my fault. I absolutely love it.
I love it when I am doing my best and get shot down. I love it when other people have a day that is as far to the postive side of zero as mine is to the negative. I feel good about that.
(I like being bitter, as well...as a side note.)
I feel good about miscommunication; I feel good about getting/being annoyed.
I feel great about having embarassing things brought my attention.
I feel great about embarassing myself through a silly mistake. I feel great about how great I feel. I'm glad that I could have a conversation with a friend that made me squirm. I'm glad that the next day I could get called out on something I'd rather not have been called out on. And also I'm glad to be shut down by the one person I can't handle being shut down by.
I feel good about that. It's been such a great week.
I feel great about how I feel right now and...it's nice to be helpless and almost certain to make mistakes in the future - THE SAME mistakes, CORRECTIVE mistakes and BRAND NEW mistakes that I can't even fathom.
OHHHHh it is good to be human. Ahh.
sar•casm (sär'kāz'əm)
n.
1. A cutting, often ironic remark intended to wound.
2. A form of wit that is marked by the use of sarcastic language and is intended to make its victim the butt of contempt or ridicule.
3. The use of sarcasm. See Synonyms at wit.
[Late Latin sarcasmus, from Greek sarkasmos, from sarkazein, to bite the lips in rage, from sarx, sark-, flesh.]
(just to be sure.)
My brain is incredibly clogged, like you wouldn't believe. It needs the healing of Jesus. (I almost wrote, "Jesus, heal me," and decided not to because I'm blogging. But choosing talking about Christ instead of talking to Christ is one of my most common hindrances.) Sometimes it's hard.
caus•tic (kô'stĭk)
adj.
1. Capable of burning, corroding, dissolving, or eating away by chemical action.
2. Corrosive and bitingly trenchant; cutting. See Synonyms at sarcastic.
3. Causing a burning or stinging sensation, as from intense emotion: "Most of all, there is caustic shame for my own stupidity" (Scott Turow).
I think that's it for this moment. Next episode: the LOTR analogy which baffled.
[EST]
Thursday, 26 February 2009
Wednesday, 25 February 2009
Waterstone's
That's the name of the Chapters equivalent here in the UK, far's I can tell. There's a rival chain whose name eludes me but there we are.
They have a new line (I think it's under Penguin) that has re-published the giants of the Western canon with hip, or at least classy, covers n' such and as I marched around looking for a specific livre a bunch of titles caught my eye and I realized I had read them for one uni course or another.
Now, if I could imagine for a moment that it doesn't bother me exactly how much of the tales I remember then I will say I'm glad I've read maybe a dozen of what my culture calls classic. Classic but not maybe so much known to the mainstream.
Middlemarch, The Pickwick Papers, North and South... and I can't rembe anymore. How sad.
[EST]
They have a new line (I think it's under Penguin) that has re-published the giants of the Western canon with hip, or at least classy, covers n' such and as I marched around looking for a specific livre a bunch of titles caught my eye and I realized I had read them for one uni course or another.
Now, if I could imagine for a moment that it doesn't bother me exactly how much of the tales I remember then I will say I'm glad I've read maybe a dozen of what my culture calls classic. Classic but not maybe so much known to the mainstream.
Middlemarch, The Pickwick Papers, North and South... and I can't rembe anymore. How sad.
[EST]
Tuesday, 24 February 2009
made a pact I never thought I'd make (or have to make).
I watched Braveheart (1995) for the first time today. I thought it was appropes because of where I presently live and because I hate hearing, "You haven't watched BRAVEheart???" whenever the subj comes up.
Hmm. I was preparing myself to be disappointed by Mel Gibson's accent imitation but, since my expectations were so low I was pretty impressed. And then after I leveled out a bit I will say, considering he's American and considering how hard it is to mimic that particular accent, he did well. It wasn't nearly as distracting as I thought. There was one word that he kept saying perfectly...it might have been "proud"...or perhaps "about"...probably something with an "ou" in it. "Aloud"? Anyways...he slipped right in; it was perfect.
Other than that, I'm not sure what to say.
I recognized early on how it is that Mr Gibson ends up with films that are typically three hours long (I'm thinking just of Apocalypto (2006), The Passion of the Christ (2004) and The Patriot (2000) - which is just 2h45m). He draws out wordless scenes longer than most would. I'm not sure about it....I mean, I see that people (critics and civilians alike) enjoy his work and when people uniformly complain about something like length I'm concerned that they've chosen something easy to pick on - which you would do either cuz you don't want to engage with the content, or because you like taking cheap shots.
Or, you just think it's too long.
He reminds me of what little I remember of Charles Dickens who seemed to take more than a few pages to describe the interior of a room. I get that the author (director) is passionate about every detail but if you can't get the audience to be equally passionate, it won't work. Gibson jumped in too quickly...we just met the characters and then we were made to dwell with them in their emotions. It would be amazing if a storyteller could get his audience on board with what he was doing so that he could sink into any depth and length of details that he wanted to tell his story properly. Honestly, I think that's the genius of The Passion of the Christ and Apocalypto. Why do I not know anyone else who enjoys the latter? It just ..oh, I like it.
I dunno what else to say about Braveheart, though. I enjoyed it well enough and it's cool that it won Best Picture (this I discovered when I picked up the DVD box to put the disc back...I said to the person I was watching it with, "This one Best Picture??!? Man, if I had known that, I would have watched it ages ago!"). The disc has been in my room for a few months. How odd.
[I'm strangely looking forward to Friday. That's way off-topic.]
[EST]
Hmm. I was preparing myself to be disappointed by Mel Gibson's accent imitation but, since my expectations were so low I was pretty impressed. And then after I leveled out a bit I will say, considering he's American and considering how hard it is to mimic that particular accent, he did well. It wasn't nearly as distracting as I thought. There was one word that he kept saying perfectly...it might have been "proud"...or perhaps "about"...probably something with an "ou" in it. "Aloud"? Anyways...he slipped right in; it was perfect.
Other than that, I'm not sure what to say.
I recognized early on how it is that Mr Gibson ends up with films that are typically three hours long (I'm thinking just of Apocalypto (2006), The Passion of the Christ (2004) and The Patriot (2000) - which is just 2h45m). He draws out wordless scenes longer than most would. I'm not sure about it....I mean, I see that people (critics and civilians alike) enjoy his work and when people uniformly complain about something like length I'm concerned that they've chosen something easy to pick on - which you would do either cuz you don't want to engage with the content, or because you like taking cheap shots.
Or, you just think it's too long.
He reminds me of what little I remember of Charles Dickens who seemed to take more than a few pages to describe the interior of a room. I get that the author (director) is passionate about every detail but if you can't get the audience to be equally passionate, it won't work. Gibson jumped in too quickly...we just met the characters and then we were made to dwell with them in their emotions. It would be amazing if a storyteller could get his audience on board with what he was doing so that he could sink into any depth and length of details that he wanted to tell his story properly. Honestly, I think that's the genius of The Passion of the Christ and Apocalypto. Why do I not know anyone else who enjoys the latter? It just ..oh, I like it.
I dunno what else to say about Braveheart, though. I enjoyed it well enough and it's cool that it won Best Picture (this I discovered when I picked up the DVD box to put the disc back...I said to the person I was watching it with, "This one Best Picture??!? Man, if I had known that, I would have watched it ages ago!"). The disc has been in my room for a few months. How odd.
[I'm strangely looking forward to Friday. That's way off-topic.]
[EST]
Saturday, 21 February 2009
Dear Friend,
I have seen a glimpse of possibility and it's cool. I'm curious about the future. I'm thankful for today.
----
Yeah. Today's been rather up and down in many, many ways and I think I'm just going ot wait for the passage of time to smooth out the bulk of it.
[EST]
----
Yeah. Today's been rather up and down in many, many ways and I think I'm just going ot wait for the passage of time to smooth out the bulk of it.
[EST]
Friday, 20 February 2009
OH man.
Oh man. It's over!
"It's finally over!" I exclaimed to a fellow STInter on the way back tonight. "They're gone!" I continued with bright eyes and a muy excited face.
Man, this post has mad potential to go on for too long so I'm going to try. Try, tri.
It's 3.33am. I got home about 20 minutes ago. I got up around 7.40. All things considered, I feel pretty good.
Yesterday I made a mental note of a few students I was going to go out of my way to speak with because I just hadn't had the chance to really connect with anyone yet. I had been thinking about how, if nothing changed from that point in time (whatever time it was last night) that no one on project would be inclined to stay in touch with me. In a vacuum, that's fine. At the risk of sounding pompous, I don't need sixteen new best friends. But what I DO want is a real connection - that's all! I've been a part of enough cross-country/cross-province/cross-continent somethings to know what it takes to make an enduring acquaintanceship or friendship. I want SOMETHING, else I'd have been filled with regret for the whole week.
I listed them off (I think there were three or four) and then I asked God for them, gently.
He brought me some different people and He brought me many people.
We went to a ceilidh in the evening to send project out with a bang...then the students had planned to hang out in front of an old church on a busy street here in Edinburgh with a guitar and their praises. They had done the same the past two nights (and on the first night, two of the girls who joined them accepted Christ). I'm not even gonna begin to touch that one.
It's cool to be unashamed. (I mean 'cool' like I enjoyed it but also cool like it's hip/suave. Well....in my opinion anyways.)
Between dances I chatted with some of the folk who crossed my path (I had decided that even though there were a few I had planned to approach, that I wouldn't be hunting, but rather open to whatever - I'm calling the opportunities 'what' not the people - came up) and it was good. I could feel myself being engaged and I spoke accordingly. It was good. I managed to communicate what I had wanted to communicate (that I am interested in them, that I like them and that I am their sister in Christ).
I want to write all about the indiv conversations but that doesn't seem appropes given how much space that will take and how private they were.
I think of these things - I praise God for these things - in the context of how (a) our directors told us off the bat that one of the comments they received after last year's project was that the studes didn't feel they were able to hang out with the staff members as much as anticipated or as they would have wanted, (b) a student made an off-hand comment to me, saying that they thought the staff would come out with them in the evenings (they were out every evening) with disappointment and some hurt in their voice and (c) I just didn't have the capacity to do it throughout the week, as desired.
I arrived home so late because I had been roped into taking them all to the bus stop for the 02h45. They started the street singing at 11.30 and finished round 1. I was going to go home at that point but then was told by a student that they had some left over supplies that I would have needed to take so I trekked the three blocks in the opposite direction to the hostel. Then I wanted to say a proper goodbye to one of the people I'd connected with this evening. (It's only proper.)
While waiting and getting otherwise distracted, I stayed in the girls' room as they packed and giggled through the next hour. It was nice. It was nice to be there with them as they did what they did. I don't know how to describe it but I know they enjoyed it as I did. I dunno...outside perspective? Non abandonnment? Something.
It was good to make that trek with them. I scored some sweet free stuff as well.
I'm thankful to God for what He enabled me to do this very night.
OOOooh, I should also say how proud I am of my kidlets for the way that they welcomed and interacted with passers-by who came to sit with us. The guitarist was striking an incredible balance of warmth and confidence. He was just doing what he was doing...I'm amazed at his skizzill. Well, even more than that, he was not talking to those folk as potential converts. So key.
God showed up this week and I like that you can see that in people's eye, even when it's not on their tongue. So good. I hope they're forever changed, I honestly do. And in the meantime I thank God for letting me witness it and have a smidge of input. Thank Youuu, Jesus.
"It's finally over!" I exclaimed to a fellow STInter on the way back tonight. "They're gone!" I continued with bright eyes and a muy excited face.
Man, this post has mad potential to go on for too long so I'm going to try. Try, tri.
It's 3.33am. I got home about 20 minutes ago. I got up around 7.40. All things considered, I feel pretty good.
Yesterday I made a mental note of a few students I was going to go out of my way to speak with because I just hadn't had the chance to really connect with anyone yet. I had been thinking about how, if nothing changed from that point in time (whatever time it was last night) that no one on project would be inclined to stay in touch with me. In a vacuum, that's fine. At the risk of sounding pompous, I don't need sixteen new best friends. But what I DO want is a real connection - that's all! I've been a part of enough cross-country/cross-province/cross-continent somethings to know what it takes to make an enduring acquaintanceship or friendship. I want SOMETHING, else I'd have been filled with regret for the whole week.
I listed them off (I think there were three or four) and then I asked God for them, gently.
He brought me some different people and He brought me many people.
We went to a ceilidh in the evening to send project out with a bang...then the students had planned to hang out in front of an old church on a busy street here in Edinburgh with a guitar and their praises. They had done the same the past two nights (and on the first night, two of the girls who joined them accepted Christ). I'm not even gonna begin to touch that one.
It's cool to be unashamed. (I mean 'cool' like I enjoyed it but also cool like it's hip/suave. Well....in my opinion anyways.)
Between dances I chatted with some of the folk who crossed my path (I had decided that even though there were a few I had planned to approach, that I wouldn't be hunting, but rather open to whatever - I'm calling the opportunities 'what' not the people - came up) and it was good. I could feel myself being engaged and I spoke accordingly. It was good. I managed to communicate what I had wanted to communicate (that I am interested in them, that I like them and that I am their sister in Christ).
I want to write all about the indiv conversations but that doesn't seem appropes given how much space that will take and how private they were.
I think of these things - I praise God for these things - in the context of how (a) our directors told us off the bat that one of the comments they received after last year's project was that the studes didn't feel they were able to hang out with the staff members as much as anticipated or as they would have wanted, (b) a student made an off-hand comment to me, saying that they thought the staff would come out with them in the evenings (they were out every evening) with disappointment and some hurt in their voice and (c) I just didn't have the capacity to do it throughout the week, as desired.
I arrived home so late because I had been roped into taking them all to the bus stop for the 02h45. They started the street singing at 11.30 and finished round 1. I was going to go home at that point but then was told by a student that they had some left over supplies that I would have needed to take so I trekked the three blocks in the opposite direction to the hostel. Then I wanted to say a proper goodbye to one of the people I'd connected with this evening. (It's only proper.)
While waiting and getting otherwise distracted, I stayed in the girls' room as they packed and giggled through the next hour. It was nice. It was nice to be there with them as they did what they did. I don't know how to describe it but I know they enjoyed it as I did. I dunno...outside perspective? Non abandonnment? Something.
It was good to make that trek with them. I scored some sweet free stuff as well.
I'm thankful to God for what He enabled me to do this very night.
OOOooh, I should also say how proud I am of my kidlets for the way that they welcomed and interacted with passers-by who came to sit with us. The guitarist was striking an incredible balance of warmth and confidence. He was just doing what he was doing...I'm amazed at his skizzill. Well, even more than that, he was not talking to those folk as potential converts. So key.
God showed up this week and I like that you can see that in people's eye, even when it's not on their tongue. So good. I hope they're forever changed, I honestly do. And in the meantime I thank God for letting me witness it and have a smidge of input. Thank Youuu, Jesus.
Thursday, 19 February 2009
Aishh
Man, I'm tired of this stuff.
Shishe..... I am tired of stuff (I don't wanna write it because I know it's only this experience which is making me tired - it's not a life longy).
Seth MacFarlane is so intelligent and talented that I can't deal.
Today was pretty hard. It was pretty long and I lost patience with a few people. I had some nice laughs and interesting conversation near the end of today.
But I have a few regrets and...well, that's that.
I think there's too much to process for now. But um...thank God for intellectual challenges...I've been missing those. I hope that tomorrow I can engage the people I want to engage. I've been meaning to all week but just haven't found the capacity for it. And now there are fewer days left than I realized and I HOPE HOPE HOPE God will multiply the time. (Please?) Is this a reasonable thing to ask for? Is multiply even the word? Mmm, I think when I wrote it it was being read as "redeem" which is certainly NOT what I wanted. 'Mulitply' or 'stretch' work for me. Hmm. I was there the whole time but I feel like I've missed out on this week. Shoot, and I tried so hard...
[EST]
Shishe..... I am tired of stuff (I don't wanna write it because I know it's only this experience which is making me tired - it's not a life longy).
Seth MacFarlane is so intelligent and talented that I can't deal.
Today was pretty hard. It was pretty long and I lost patience with a few people. I had some nice laughs and interesting conversation near the end of today.
But I have a few regrets and...well, that's that.
I think there's too much to process for now. But um...thank God for intellectual challenges...I've been missing those. I hope that tomorrow I can engage the people I want to engage. I've been meaning to all week but just haven't found the capacity for it. And now there are fewer days left than I realized and I HOPE HOPE HOPE God will multiply the time. (Please?) Is this a reasonable thing to ask for? Is multiply even the word? Mmm, I think when I wrote it it was being read as "redeem" which is certainly NOT what I wanted. 'Mulitply' or 'stretch' work for me. Hmm. I was there the whole time but I feel like I've missed out on this week. Shoot, and I tried so hard...
[EST]
Wednesday, 18 February 2009
MC: "Welcome to Wednesday in Scotland....it's different from Tuesday..."
This afternoon I witnessed a mild rebuke that made me feel vindicated and then was summarily mildly rebuked myself.
God has been (from quite a distance) been telling me to move further from the extreme of GRACE and closer to that of TRUTH. I have such a hard time of it but I have seen it unequivocally clearly just this afternoon/evening which means no turning back. In means, in the process of God teaching me qqch, that I have reached the point of no return in which I say, "I am committed to getting this, no matter WHAT the cost/pain involved."
My teammate impressed me today with the training session she gave. I have MUCH to think about & sift through and I'm happy about that.
Over lunch I did something unexpected. I finished ("finished") my meal and then my teammate says, "What would your mother say?" which, I am pleased to declare, is a phrase that has NO EFFECT on someone like me -- in the contexts it's usually used in. [Generally it has to do with drink, sex, food, drug, sleep hours...all that. My mother's quite hands-off which, I will be the first to admit, is not a great stance (as an extreme).]
Then he asked about starving children in the world and what they might think. I was hoping that I could ha-ha at the joke and it would stop because if I were to respond honestly, I would rail on him for even bringing up those children or my mother. But I knew he wasn't serious so there was no need to rain so hard. I just smiled to myself and took some deep breaths hoping he had had his fun. But oh no! Oh no.... no, he continued to the point where I decided to scrape up the remaining bits (and then lick some salad dressing up, MUCH to the chagrin of my British contemporaries) because it was the only way to get him to stop talking.
So, la-la-la, that happens and we move on. Then I decide on dessert and leave the table in pursuit. When I come back, both the guys are looking at me funny, as if they've done something terrible in my absense. (It happens.) I thought they'd messed with my bag, coat or wallet - the obvious choices. I kept staring one of them down because his face was more obvious and he was either dekeing me out or didn't care how long it took me to notice what they had done (so he didna try to hide it). I need to mention here that the previous harassment had actually made me a little little annoyed but not to any critical/serious point. I just don't like being bullied is all.
So I continue eyeing him as I push my chair in...then bounce my eyes back and forth between them, scrutinizing. Then I look down at my plate and see they have added some salad bits to my practially pristine plate.
Reading the joke immediately, the first thing out my mouth was "f*** you" directed generally at both of them, blending right into I'm-gonna-smack-you laughter. They laughed a LOT harder than I did, keeling over slightly. As they continued, I took a moment to assess and said, "Wow, I just swore; I'm sorry," and my intonation went up at the end showing genuine surprize at myself. (That's what you call a knee-jerk reaction. Don't read that I'm justifying anything.) As they continue (and I do find their laughter amusing even though I'm not joining them, partly because I'm concerned about whether I've offended them), I say a bit later, "Wow, I can't believe I said that...I must have a lot of pent-up anger," and at that point one of them says, "Yeaaaah, that's probably my fault." Then the other tries to take the blame.
Hmmm.
I haven't sworn in a long time but I know I've been carrying a bit of anger (closer to annoyance and pervasive frustration, really) about for a few days because of some project staff problems (which are related to the aforementioned rebukes - WOW I am using many brackets) and that is why the F was so close to the drawbridge. sigh.
I have enjoyed feeding breakfast to the students these two mornings I have done it. (I enjoy getting better at things.) I see that they are decently satisfied and I see that they enjoy eating with one another.
I thank God for the accomodations we've got for the week. I didn't thank Him when they were first given and I'm ashamed of that. Let all praise be given. -----
I should probably stop there cos I've lost my train of thoughts and this series of posts is nothing if it's not stream-of-conscious.
[EST]
God has been (from quite a distance) been telling me to move further from the extreme of GRACE and closer to that of TRUTH. I have such a hard time of it but I have seen it unequivocally clearly just this afternoon/evening which means no turning back. In means, in the process of God teaching me qqch, that I have reached the point of no return in which I say, "I am committed to getting this, no matter WHAT the cost/pain involved."
My teammate impressed me today with the training session she gave. I have MUCH to think about & sift through and I'm happy about that.
Over lunch I did something unexpected. I finished ("finished") my meal and then my teammate says, "What would your mother say?" which, I am pleased to declare, is a phrase that has NO EFFECT on someone like me -- in the contexts it's usually used in. [Generally it has to do with drink, sex, food, drug, sleep hours...all that. My mother's quite hands-off which, I will be the first to admit, is not a great stance (as an extreme).]
Then he asked about starving children in the world and what they might think. I was hoping that I could ha-ha at the joke and it would stop because if I were to respond honestly, I would rail on him for even bringing up those children or my mother. But I knew he wasn't serious so there was no need to rain so hard. I just smiled to myself and took some deep breaths hoping he had had his fun. But oh no! Oh no.... no, he continued to the point where I decided to scrape up the remaining bits (and then lick some salad dressing up, MUCH to the chagrin of my British contemporaries) because it was the only way to get him to stop talking.
So, la-la-la, that happens and we move on. Then I decide on dessert and leave the table in pursuit. When I come back, both the guys are looking at me funny, as if they've done something terrible in my absense. (It happens.) I thought they'd messed with my bag, coat or wallet - the obvious choices. I kept staring one of them down because his face was more obvious and he was either dekeing me out or didn't care how long it took me to notice what they had done (so he didna try to hide it). I need to mention here that the previous harassment had actually made me a little little annoyed but not to any critical/serious point. I just don't like being bullied is all.
So I continue eyeing him as I push my chair in...then bounce my eyes back and forth between them, scrutinizing. Then I look down at my plate and see they have added some salad bits to my practially pristine plate.
Reading the joke immediately, the first thing out my mouth was "f*** you" directed generally at both of them, blending right into I'm-gonna-smack-you laughter. They laughed a LOT harder than I did, keeling over slightly. As they continued, I took a moment to assess and said, "Wow, I just swore; I'm sorry," and my intonation went up at the end showing genuine surprize at myself. (That's what you call a knee-jerk reaction. Don't read that I'm justifying anything.) As they continue (and I do find their laughter amusing even though I'm not joining them, partly because I'm concerned about whether I've offended them), I say a bit later, "Wow, I can't believe I said that...I must have a lot of pent-up anger," and at that point one of them says, "Yeaaaah, that's probably my fault." Then the other tries to take the blame.
Hmmm.
I haven't sworn in a long time but I know I've been carrying a bit of anger (closer to annoyance and pervasive frustration, really) about for a few days because of some project staff problems (which are related to the aforementioned rebukes - WOW I am using many brackets) and that is why the F was so close to the drawbridge. sigh.
I have enjoyed feeding breakfast to the students these two mornings I have done it. (I enjoy getting better at things.) I see that they are decently satisfied and I see that they enjoy eating with one another.
I thank God for the accomodations we've got for the week. I didn't thank Him when they were first given and I'm ashamed of that. Let all praise be given. -----
I should probably stop there cos I've lost my train of thoughts and this series of posts is nothing if it's not stream-of-conscious.
[EST]
Tuesday, 17 February 2009
Today is my grandmother's 71st birthday. :)
Today I wigged out a little bit when my evange partner asked if I wanted to go through the booklet with Chan. I said he was "probably better versed" in the thing, knowing (a) he's been around the booklet more than I and (b) I am not extremely familiar with either the UK or the NA booklet...
Watching him go through the first page like a total pro (I was right!) made me realize I haven't SHARED THE BOOKLET with anyone in...probably a couple years. Turns out that when I say I "don't like" or even "hate" the booklet, I back that up with action. Can't fault me for being inconsistent.
(I bolded and cap-ed that phrase because it's mock-ominous - i.e. overused and smothered by intertextuality.)
Today I got almost-mad at one of my teammates when he was nowhere near me. I just hit this point where I realized, "If he comes to talk to me I'm going to have to bite my tongue because I will want to flip out." I could feel myself tensing up and knew I could be in for something terrible. Fortunately, we hardly crossed paths for the rest of the day but this (considering how frequent it comes up) needs to be dealt with. End of storro.
I enjoy these young kidlet teammates of mine. I enjoy their bright eyes & bushy tails. I especially like their innovation and determination. I hope against hope that some of them will join up with Campus for Christ later in life...who ever needs to join; whatever.
What to say about the booklet, I don't know.
Tomorrow I have to MC the meeting....I can't tell if I'm looking forward to it or not. If I just do what I'm told I'll be fine.
When I was asked I said, "If you let me throw in some off-color jokes and terrible games then I'll want to do it even more," which seemed to imply that I wanted to do it muchly without those things, but that's not actually true. What I meant was, licence to do them would have been a big draw for me.
Sometimes I wonder why my lifestyle reflects that I care very much about evangelism and the GC. (I'm not sure I do.) I'm sure that I feel (note: "feel" - the caboose) differently about it right now because I'm zonked but I fig it's worth exploring, anyways.
I wonder if this is something I am "passionate" about now, how I could NOT make it a part of my life til the end of my days. Does passion dry up?
I wonder how this "passion" doesn't translate on the micro level. The idea of COMING to Edinburgh, the idea of getting stuck-in in a Reading Week project, the idea of rescheduling Tuesday and Thursday (for next project) so more time can be spent on campus in Glasgow during the day trip all make sense to me and I fight for them. I fight and I use words that sound passionate, sold-out and - I hope - sincere. I am sincere. The principle rings incredibly true for me and I can't escape the logic.
BUT WHAT ABOUT THE PEOPLE. (no question mark)
I care about people...of course, of course. Sometimes I surprize myself with how much I care about people.
But what about when I'm in that conversation? Why am I so much LESS likely to push to share the Gospezillio? Why the resentment for the booklets which probably takes more energy away than is useful? (More energy into resenting and evading than could be used to grit my teeth and go thru with it. I don't think that made sense to anyone but me but that's OK.)
I don't know...I mean, my inner self perks up at certain words, phrases; she wants to pounce on all these hot topics or fruitful avenues but social constructs or whatever else prevent me. Oh, whoa - it's not all external forces: of course I second-guess myself more than is humanly possible. Sometimes it's not me who's talking to I can't pouncingly interrupt. (I could list other "sometimes" but I won't.)
I think the biggest distracter/detractor is that there isn't time. For me to take this, "I've become old and cynical...because of the things I've been through," off-hand comment and pursue it to the point where you see the Gospel drawing a line in the sand would take the better part of an hour. If I had the better part of an hour to sit with you, I would do it!
I would do it, I promise.
But I don't have that. So what do I settle for? (I have no answer to that.)
(Someone actually said that to me/us today. It was......well it was incredibly enticing. I really want to dive into that and work through it with that person.)
I realized...I realized and clinched it just in that paragraph above, that my goal in every (even mildly) spiritually oriented conversation is to get the Gospel to draw a line in the sand. It's so....key.
And lovely.
I love that the Gospel can stand on its own.
I learned that first from Margie Rennie.
I don't usually put people's proper names in posts but...well...tis kind of a big deal.
Tomorrow: new campus to me!
[EST]
Watching him go through the first page like a total pro (I was right!) made me realize I haven't SHARED THE BOOKLET with anyone in...probably a couple years. Turns out that when I say I "don't like" or even "hate" the booklet, I back that up with action. Can't fault me for being inconsistent.
(I bolded and cap-ed that phrase because it's mock-ominous - i.e. overused and smothered by intertextuality.)
Today I got almost-mad at one of my teammates when he was nowhere near me. I just hit this point where I realized, "If he comes to talk to me I'm going to have to bite my tongue because I will want to flip out." I could feel myself tensing up and knew I could be in for something terrible. Fortunately, we hardly crossed paths for the rest of the day but this (considering how frequent it comes up) needs to be dealt with. End of storro.
I enjoy these young kidlet teammates of mine. I enjoy their bright eyes & bushy tails. I especially like their innovation and determination. I hope against hope that some of them will join up with Campus for Christ later in life...who ever needs to join; whatever.
What to say about the booklet, I don't know.
Tomorrow I have to MC the meeting....I can't tell if I'm looking forward to it or not. If I just do what I'm told I'll be fine.
When I was asked I said, "If you let me throw in some off-color jokes and terrible games then I'll want to do it even more," which seemed to imply that I wanted to do it muchly without those things, but that's not actually true. What I meant was, licence to do them would have been a big draw for me.
Sometimes I wonder why my lifestyle reflects that I care very much about evangelism and the GC. (I'm not sure I do.) I'm sure that I feel (note: "feel" - the caboose) differently about it right now because I'm zonked but I fig it's worth exploring, anyways.
I wonder if this is something I am "passionate" about now, how I could NOT make it a part of my life til the end of my days. Does passion dry up?
I wonder how this "passion" doesn't translate on the micro level. The idea of COMING to Edinburgh, the idea of getting stuck-in in a Reading Week project, the idea of rescheduling Tuesday and Thursday (for next project) so more time can be spent on campus in Glasgow during the day trip all make sense to me and I fight for them. I fight and I use words that sound passionate, sold-out and - I hope - sincere. I am sincere. The principle rings incredibly true for me and I can't escape the logic.
BUT WHAT ABOUT THE PEOPLE. (no question mark)
I care about people...of course, of course. Sometimes I surprize myself with how much I care about people.
But what about when I'm in that conversation? Why am I so much LESS likely to push to share the Gospezillio? Why the resentment for the booklets which probably takes more energy away than is useful? (More energy into resenting and evading than could be used to grit my teeth and go thru with it. I don't think that made sense to anyone but me but that's OK.)
I don't know...I mean, my inner self perks up at certain words, phrases; she wants to pounce on all these hot topics or fruitful avenues but social constructs or whatever else prevent me. Oh, whoa - it's not all external forces: of course I second-guess myself more than is humanly possible. Sometimes it's not me who's talking to I can't pouncingly interrupt. (I could list other "sometimes" but I won't.)
I think the biggest distracter/detractor is that there isn't time. For me to take this, "I've become old and cynical...because of the things I've been through," off-hand comment and pursue it to the point where you see the Gospel drawing a line in the sand would take the better part of an hour. If I had the better part of an hour to sit with you, I would do it!
I would do it, I promise.
But I don't have that. So what do I settle for? (I have no answer to that.)
(Someone actually said that to me/us today. It was......well it was incredibly enticing. I really want to dive into that and work through it with that person.)
I realized...I realized and clinched it just in that paragraph above, that my goal in every (even mildly) spiritually oriented conversation is to get the Gospel to draw a line in the sand. It's so....key.
And lovely.
I love that the Gospel can stand on its own.
I learned that first from Margie Rennie.
I don't usually put people's proper names in posts but...well...tis kind of a big deal.
Tomorrow: new campus to me!
[EST]
Monday, 16 February 2009
God shows His goodness because He is good.
Nothing classically amazing or easy to report happened today but that post title is the conclusion I'm left with.
I see that He knows my fears...I see that He is working in my weakness. I see that the "moving" or "working" of the Spirit is not what I thought it once was.
I see that I am on a spectrum. I see that I am a leader. I see that God has equipped me in cool ways. I am incredibly thankful for the insight and advice I was able to offer to my evangelism partner. :)
I'm so honored (and so chuffed).
Thank You, Jesus.
I am also thankful for Zosia who was not very friendly (to start) but challenged me and was frank. She said, "yes," she would like to hear more about Jesus' message. (Her own paraphrase had more holes in it than she liked. "I wish I knew more about it...[dissovle into uneasy chuckle]."
So she said she'd meet up with me at a later date. First time for everything, I guess. I've never been the point person for follow-up...Guess there's a first time for everything. (Can I downplay it more? I'm stoked.)
I like my team. They're going to challenge me in how I relate....I have small regrets but I'm learning. Gotta keep putting that pride trophy on the shelf.
I should go now. But thank God for today. (And thank God for an early evening!)
Tomorrow :GLASGOW.
[EST]
I see that He knows my fears...I see that He is working in my weakness. I see that the "moving" or "working" of the Spirit is not what I thought it once was.
I see that I am on a spectrum. I see that I am a leader. I see that God has equipped me in cool ways. I am incredibly thankful for the insight and advice I was able to offer to my evangelism partner. :)
I'm so honored (and so chuffed).
Thank You, Jesus.
I am also thankful for Zosia who was not very friendly (to start) but challenged me and was frank. She said, "yes," she would like to hear more about Jesus' message. (Her own paraphrase had more holes in it than she liked. "I wish I knew more about it...[dissovle into uneasy chuckle]."
So she said she'd meet up with me at a later date. First time for everything, I guess. I've never been the point person for follow-up...Guess there's a first time for everything. (Can I downplay it more? I'm stoked.)
I like my team. They're going to challenge me in how I relate....I have small regrets but I'm learning. Gotta keep putting that pride trophy on the shelf.
I should go now. But thank God for today. (And thank God for an early evening!)
Tomorrow :GLASGOW.
[EST]
Sunday, 15 February 2009
a bunch of things happened today that surprized me.
I remember the moment I said to myself that I needed to record them and probably blog about them...I remember the subsequent moment where I liked the idea of that change of pace from my last few entries...but now I don't remember all of what I wanted to say. It's rolling around in my head somewhere...it's just in so many pieces that I'm not sure what's what.
---wrote that bit yesterday...now I have more to say and much of it has slipped out of my head as well. I'm trying to track with Scotland Reading Week Project but it's not working so well.
At least I know I wanted to say I thank God for how provisionally (real meaning, not Christianesey distraction) He orchestrated our project teams. I thank Him for my co-leader (best option out of the bunch, I daresay), for the size of my team and my team peeps.
I'm worried that my intimidation won't wear off fast enough but Jesus Says Relax so I guess that takes care of that.
My co-leader is the one (next to one of my STInt team members, who I automatically would not have been partnered with) person on staff with RW project who makes me laugh the most.
(God knows I need to laugh. He actually knows it and I actually need it. So, thanks, Jesus.)
He also has a good compliment to my "leadership" (I am not a very good leader) style and is chill enough in a non-lazy way that I feel calm, confident and not guilty working with him.
Here is my favorite part: when I realized he was from O-town I decided to be rivalrous. I made some rude remarks, threw in the eye-roll and sigh of utter contempt for the city's existance. He picked up the script. "Oh, you're from Toronto, then?" (I usually comment on Ottawa in a way that indicates beyond ANY shadow of ANY doubt which arrogant city I hail from. It's.... a spiritual gift.)
[brief pause]
At the same time that I whip my head around in mock-horror and say, "Wait -- you're not a Sens fan, are you?"
he says, with an expression of restrained nausea, "Does that mean you like Leafs?"
We both turn away with a mildly dramatic grumble, "Awwww," straight from the diaphragm - ooh, haven't spelled that word in a while...hope I spelled it correctly. Diaphragm.
I deeply enjoyed that moment. We had an understanding.
I need to go to bed.
YIPE.
[EST]
---wrote that bit yesterday...now I have more to say and much of it has slipped out of my head as well. I'm trying to track with Scotland Reading Week Project but it's not working so well.
At least I know I wanted to say I thank God for how provisionally (real meaning, not Christianesey distraction) He orchestrated our project teams. I thank Him for my co-leader (best option out of the bunch, I daresay), for the size of my team and my team peeps.
I'm worried that my intimidation won't wear off fast enough but Jesus Says Relax so I guess that takes care of that.
My co-leader is the one (next to one of my STInt team members, who I automatically would not have been partnered with) person on staff with RW project who makes me laugh the most.
(God knows I need to laugh. He actually knows it and I actually need it. So, thanks, Jesus.)
He also has a good compliment to my "leadership" (I am not a very good leader) style and is chill enough in a non-lazy way that I feel calm, confident and not guilty working with him.
Here is my favorite part: when I realized he was from O-town I decided to be rivalrous. I made some rude remarks, threw in the eye-roll and sigh of utter contempt for the city's existance. He picked up the script. "Oh, you're from Toronto, then?" (I usually comment on Ottawa in a way that indicates beyond ANY shadow of ANY doubt which arrogant city I hail from. It's.... a spiritual gift.)
[brief pause]
At the same time that I whip my head around in mock-horror and say, "Wait -- you're not a Sens fan, are you?"
he says, with an expression of restrained nausea, "Does that mean you like Leafs?"
We both turn away with a mildly dramatic grumble, "Awwww," straight from the diaphragm - ooh, haven't spelled that word in a while...hope I spelled it correctly. Diaphragm.
I deeply enjoyed that moment. We had an understanding.
I need to go to bed.
YIPE.
[EST]
Thursday, 12 February 2009
nettoye partie deux
I remembered the other reason that I thought I was unclean was that when I ran into my housemate on the street (she was going home and I was going out) at around 22h50 she asked where I was going. I said, "To Scotmid [convenience-ish store]! Where else would I be going at 11pm??" She says, "I dunno -- you're a hoodlum!"
Aaaand it fits. I mean, I don't mean that I'm actually a HOOD in the sense that I theif things from people or am part of a gang or whatever BUT I do find things to do when most of the folk I know are in bed. It's...yeah, it's kinda weird. I don't mind but, does Jesus?
Things That Are Awesome
The guy who did the voice for Eeyore all dem years also did the voice for Optimus Prime all these years.
Things I Would Like an Expert Opinion On
Is it so bad for an actor to be typecast?
We like to make fun of the Keanu Reeves, Sly Stallone, Hugh Grant types...but what about Barry Pepper or even Chris Cooper, sometimes? (There should be more on that list but they're not coming to mind at present.)
Is it so bad, if you're excellent in just one way, to keep on doing it? I guess there are different things to take into account...like whether the actor WANTS these parts and deliberately searches and auditions for them, whether the actor's agent tells them to keep on in that one direction (for money or for exposure) or whether it just kinda happens. The fourth option must be that I think they're being typecast where in reality I've only SEEN them in their typecast roles.
I'd be interested to know what actors, producers and critics think about this.
[EST]
--- I memembered someone else I would like to put on the typecast-in-not-such-a-bad-way list: Mark Wahlberg. Yes.
26.02.09 12h40 EST
Aaaand it fits. I mean, I don't mean that I'm actually a HOOD in the sense that I theif things from people or am part of a gang or whatever BUT I do find things to do when most of the folk I know are in bed. It's...yeah, it's kinda weird. I don't mind but, does Jesus?
Things That Are Awesome
The guy who did the voice for Eeyore all dem years also did the voice for Optimus Prime all these years.
Things I Would Like an Expert Opinion On
Is it so bad for an actor to be typecast?
We like to make fun of the Keanu Reeves, Sly Stallone, Hugh Grant types...but what about Barry Pepper or even Chris Cooper, sometimes? (There should be more on that list but they're not coming to mind at present.)
Is it so bad, if you're excellent in just one way, to keep on doing it? I guess there are different things to take into account...like whether the actor WANTS these parts and deliberately searches and auditions for them, whether the actor's agent tells them to keep on in that one direction (for money or for exposure) or whether it just kinda happens. The fourth option must be that I think they're being typecast where in reality I've only SEEN them in their typecast roles.
I'd be interested to know what actors, producers and critics think about this.
[EST]
--- I memembered someone else I would like to put on the typecast-in-not-such-a-bad-way list: Mark Wahlberg. Yes.
26.02.09 12h40 EST
Wednesday, 11 February 2009
nettoye
I wonder - dyou fink people would like me more if I was cleaner?
Something's made me think a bit about this recently...some of it was hearing a friend of mine drop the s-bomb for no great reason. S-bombs are fine, in a way but she never swears so I was caught off-guard and it just didn't fit. Like, it sounded ugly. So I was forced to answer: do I always sound like that when I swear or is it different for me because it's expected? I think a yes to either of those would be unfortunate. It feels like it has the potential to be crushing but that's a bit extreme. It's just a weird paradigm shift, is all.
[EST]
Something's made me think a bit about this recently...some of it was hearing a friend of mine drop the s-bomb for no great reason. S-bombs are fine, in a way but she never swears so I was caught off-guard and it just didn't fit. Like, it sounded ugly. So I was forced to answer: do I always sound like that when I swear or is it different for me because it's expected? I think a yes to either of those would be unfortunate. It feels like it has the potential to be crushing but that's a bit extreme. It's just a weird paradigm shift, is all.
[EST]
Tuesday, 10 February 2009
Sunday, 8 February 2009
"The Curious Case of Benjamin Button" (2008)
One thing I can say about this film is that it completely convinced me that we age in the proper manner. I actually was sure about this from the book version but the film helped, of course (visual, prolongued).
There was a moment where I said to myself, for the first time ever, "I've got my whole life ahead of me."
I think a lot about age these days (I have been doing so for the past 6 years) and it's getting me down more than it should. I try to fight it. I think about numbers all the time. This film was good for me. More than that, this film was good.
I would have to say that I liked the film more than the book/story. I'm glad I got to read it, partly cuz of the film but also because I've never read F. Scott Fitzgerald and only ever hear of one of his works. He reminds me a bit of the way Roald Dahl wrotes short stories. There's no way I'm going to get him from just one 34-page story. I gotta get some more context.
I think the way they wrapped up the story (something quite tragic in the book) worked quite nicely.....and by that I mean I want to give mad props to the screenwriters who have woven something very interesting, delicate & feeling.
I dunno...I wish I could say more but I don't even know what I'm thinking.
It's an excellent flick.
I like the way they did the end credits, too.
[EST]
There was a moment where I said to myself, for the first time ever, "I've got my whole life ahead of me."
I think a lot about age these days (I have been doing so for the past 6 years) and it's getting me down more than it should. I try to fight it. I think about numbers all the time. This film was good for me. More than that, this film was good.
I would have to say that I liked the film more than the book/story. I'm glad I got to read it, partly cuz of the film but also because I've never read F. Scott Fitzgerald and only ever hear of one of his works. He reminds me a bit of the way Roald Dahl wrotes short stories. There's no way I'm going to get him from just one 34-page story. I gotta get some more context.
I think the way they wrapped up the story (something quite tragic in the book) worked quite nicely.....and by that I mean I want to give mad props to the screenwriters who have woven something very interesting, delicate & feeling.
I dunno...I wish I could say more but I don't even know what I'm thinking.
It's an excellent flick.
I like the way they did the end credits, too.
[EST]
Wednesday, 28 January 2009
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
