"I'll be your pool-boy any day."

Yes, someone actually said that to me today. Yes, it was presque awkward but mostly funny.

On Monday, I asked my friend, "What's the antidote for resentment?" I had been thinking about a particularly tense situation of mine in recent days or weeks and that weekend, something made me more specifically address some plans for action. That morning, the word "resentment" came to me as an accurate characterization of my feelings and it sat in my belly like I imagine a couple pounds of under-cooked ground beef might. A few minutes later, my friend asked me about a situation of the previous night, curious about my take on it. She said she would understand if I had any resentment, "No, that's not the word...bitterness?" toward her. She settled on a different term which I forgot but the r-word struck me in the face like a gong-mallet (....on a gong). Hmmm.. We went into the kitchen.

I told her how I felt about the situation (confused but not bitter, resentful or any other negative emotion-al toward anyone) and that kinda sealed the topic. After some silent respective bustling abouts, I asked, "What's the antitdote for resentment?" She took a brief pause and said "forgiveness," not unsure at first but then questioning herself slightly, because the answer seemed too trite, she told me. Later, in another room she adds, "I think the antidote for resentment is the cross." Hmmm, thought I.
It's not like I felt that, "Oooooh, God's gonna make me do something ugly," kind of dread but rather surprize. In fact, if anything, I'd say I was unfeeling but I filed the document right away and made a note of it in the log.

Today during our discipleship group meeting, another girl shared about her journey with bitterness toward another and how she had finally submitted, that day, to God, to the Spirit's promptings, and confronted someone with an honest - practically prostrate - explanation and request for forgiveness. I can't describe the whole thing to you without taking something away. Another girl in the group told us how forgiveness had been showing up as a theme recently, how she had just selected a study on forgiveness for the discipleship group that she herself leads. I chimed in, "In keeping with that..." and explained how it seemed (more now in this moment than before) that God was after me about the same thing. Another girl, after me, explanded on the streak, saying that she had expressed regret over the weekend after coming home from a gathering because she had been overly saracastic with some unsuspecting (undeserving?) people. Her boyfriend said, Well you could apologize, and she had tried to brush it off, pointing out that the incident was in the past. Then he pushed her, God pushed her, the Spirit within convicted her and she consented but noted that she probably would not see these people for a while. On Monday, a day that she is "never on campus," she was manning a booth from which she saw every single person she needed to make amends with stop by. I jumped in, "Oh, man, that means there's something waiting for me when I get home!" It was more of a whiney, drag-your-feet wail than anything, knowing how I had no choice.

I spent 2+ hours in a circle of Christians with two six-strings and a jambe singing laud and honor to Jesus this evening and that was marvellously delicious. I think God used me in a new/unique way that I may report back on in the future.
While packing up, a friend of mine reminded me of an apology I had been meaning to make to him for a few weeks and I definitely pulled it out. It was painful (because I acted like an ass) and apologizing, when done properly, is never easy but I got it out and I think it was a good clarifying moment for us. I think, actually, that I was harboring some bitterness toward this guy that vanished after the conversation.
Then came the home time. I brought it up, we talked, she was suprized, I fumbled, I re-explained, she laughed a little, she apologized, I felt more like a jerk with each passing sentence (though secretly partially justifed - in a true way) and sooner than later it was over. I re-stated a bit later that I had not opened the worm can to ellicit an apology from her but to make one of my own. I realized that I had mentioned an "apologetic manner" in which I was speaking and clarified that I was meant to beg forgiveness of her but never actually said them ugly words, "I'm sorry." I did that just as she walked off to bed because it was too easy to get away with not saying it.

What's fascinating is that, as soon as I walked in the door, my attitude toward her was drastically different than what it had been in the past two months or so. (Yes, I harbor well.) I think it was an anticipation of, I guess, the freedom that transparency and confession bring. I suppose I was high off of the result of the other apology, occuring not 20 minutes earlier and the pool-boy comment, too but I would like to credit God more than that. : So, the air was effectively cleared and it was good to talk to her so freely, to feel like I could say anything - even be blunt because she really can handle it -, and to know how long I had been held captive I felt triumph.
A few paragraphs ago I had a crazy revelation: a recurrent night and day prayer of mine in the past 4-5 days has been for humility. I forget what exactly prompted it but I wanted this badly. Now I see what He has done. I see how He has, at least from my point of view, killed two birds with one stone (maybe three oiseaux): I was humbled - but graciously! -, I learned to forgive and I got relationships back. God, You are good. Now I just have a few more things I would like You to change in my life (right now!) but we'll talk about that later.

On Sunday, my God dropped a Bible verse into my head and for once it held water. I was and still am very much amazed. I am disappointed that no one else sees the weight of this but maybe that will come in the future. My friend, in a group of five friends, was expressing some raw emotions; some bitterness, fatigue, confusion and other things I have no lables for. It was an intense time. I think the rest of us were struggling with knowing what to do. There seemed to be so much at steak - this seemed so unexpected and unprecidented! One asked probing questions and made suggestions. One spoke stable truths unabashedly. One slipped in jokes at appropriate times and concurred with/fleshed-out what others had said. I remained silent. I was not scared or uncomfortable. I was a little angry at life on my friends behalf but otherwise felt very [calm], for lack of a better word. Under prayers and silence, I asked God what I could do. I discovered a very practical/hands-on side of myself that I was not so fully aware of previously.
I waited and listened. I formed some retorts in my head, things that I knew she knew and perhaps would NOT like to hear at the moment.
In a few split-second moments I was slightly frustrated with her for speaking things that, on a better day, she would, herself, shut down. But I kept quiet. I asked one last time, when it looked like we were digressing, what I could do, God. I wondered if perhaps I had some Bible verse that could get some wheels turning or apply some soothing ointment. The friend who spoke truths, she ever insightfully observed that, "It seems like there's a lot of bondage going on," and in my self I agreed fully, marvelling at how God was using us, one and all, in this time. She pointed out, also, what we all should know, that there is freedom in Christ, "so what you're experiencing is not of God."
Along the way, I had been trying to come up with a good analogy to explain my main beef with what my hurting friend was saying. If the analogy was not sound I would not bother. This was a do-or-die kind of conversation. God dropped Galatians 5:8 into my head which meant nothing to me (in terms of any pre-knowledge) and then in my classic, "oh that was just me throwing numbers out," style, I got Isaiah 53:9 next. I decided to look up the first reference anyways. What's the subtitle of the first section of Galatians 5? "Freedom in Christ." How familiar am I with the book of Galatians? not very. So.. glancing over it, still trying to listen to people talk and to not hype myself up too much, I try to decide if I want to read this or not. (As if my wants... anyways.) The last thing I wanted to walk into was a, "that's not actually what Paul meant," correction, killing my argument and my confidence in one foul swoop. I checked Isaiah and the reference was not sensible to my brain. I went back to Ephesians. The situation was growing ever close to a topic-change, a diversion that would mean my window (or at least the BEST window) was gone and I still didn't know what to think.
I continued being silent and heart-praying while I unfolded bottom-of-my-backpack page corners. The mood lightened substantially and a friend asked, "You got something you wanna say, Jess?" I twisted my face and considered. There was a moment when they all looked at me expectantly. [I can't make sense of how people expect so much of me at times.] I figured that the best case scenario was DEFINITELY worth the risk of getting the worst case scenario.

I said, "[Friend,] I think you've been lied to." I didn't look away from her face for a second, making sure the words had gone in. I brought up truth-friend's other assertions and expressed how I was sad and how it was unfortunate that she was being held. I then pulled out the Bibs. I said hurriedly that the verse had come to me, cringing at the use of Christianese which, I think, obliterated my chances of being taken MOST seriously. I read verses 1 and 2 then 7 and 8. Two others responded to a glitch, jokingly, trying to cut themselves from the tension but I drove onward, unwilling to not be heard: "But seriously, this is you - 'You were running a good race. Who cut in on you and kept you from obeying the truth? That kind of persuasion does not come from the one who calls you. [7-8]'" It was perfect, it was absolutely perfect.
At the right moment, I told her that, if a racecar blows out all its tires, it needs to take a pit-stop because it will never make it to the finish line if it pushes onward in that condition. (A general AMEN comes out.) It is a very painful thing to watch, this crippled machine that wants to be invincible and preserve its pride, run itself into the ground. "But shouldn't I be able to drive on blown-out tires?" No! You are a machine, you need to fill up with gas, you need to get your oil checked .. "But if God is the gas.." No - God is in the pit. He and His crew just need you to pull over so that, in 8 seconds, they can give you a complete make-over, enabling you to complete a few more laps.
This is not to restrict or relegate God, no. She insisted that God should be the driver and I half-agreed, "Yes.. in another analogy..." You cannot go on forever, I tried to explain; just like you need to sleep and to eat - you cannot go on forever.
Well...I don't know what happened with her but I know that I marvel at God. How He does what He does is a mystery to me and I love Him for it. How did He give me what I needed to say? How did I fall so well into His will during that whole time? I suppose what He needed to use me for was more important than me finding time to centre myself and make sure I sought His face; He just hijacked me because He needed this person at this time. How great Thou art, thus sings my soul.