"What are you - some kind of tooth dentist?"

(I really enjoy that line. ... Should I enjoy it less because I said it? hahaahhah nope..it's still making me giggle. Sir Gigs-A-Lot.)

The following are three excerpts from a magazine I was reading recently. My own comments are in the square brackets.

1 - "Answer Fella." Esquire January 2008: 34.

I'm a fit, attractive woman of 60 frequently taken for ten years younger. I find myself wildly attracted to men half my age. I'm not looking for marriage, just a sweet dalliance with a young man (with muscles). How do I improve my chances?

[The journalist's answer begins by joking about how he is attracted her and an official prouncement of her COUGAR status. He then lists some websites designed to hook cougars up with their prey and refrences a book, Cougar: A Guide for Old Women Dating Younger Men, by Valerie Gibson, which says cougars can really meet eligible young men just about anywhere.]

Ms Gibson also offers some rules: "'Don't think long-term' is the most important. You'll get your heart broken or you'll get really silly thoughts. Feel sexy, be sexy. Keep your mouth shut about your age. Also, screw everybody who says you shouldn't be doing this--ignore them".

[I was going to comment on these closing remarks, to explain WHY I decided to quote this particular article but now I feel like I'd be too obvious and am going to try to let the text speak for itself.]

2 - Woods, Stacey Grenrock. "Sex." Esquire January 2008: 32.

I was in the porn business for 22 years. I've seen everything a human has and what he or she can do with it. Now that I'm retired, though, I can't get these images out of my head. I just don't care about sex anymore. Please tell me what to do.

[The answer to this question was extremely rude and abrupt and irrelevant to what I'm interested in. I suppose...I suppose, actually I don't have too much to say about this one either, except that it makes my heart sink. I KNOW this stuff. I KNOW that people feel this way, that they end up this way but, most days, I don't feel like I can do anything about it. It's useful to me to hear someone from the belly of the beast explain their position because my rantings aren't always so useful in waking people up to the reality of corrupt sexual practices. What a world...and we're corrupting ONE ANOTHER - there's no mysterious tertiary force at work here, no sir.]

3 - Jones, Tim. "January Dilemma No. 2: You're not sure whether ice is safe to walk on." Esquire January 2008: 32.

{1} If there are already four or five people gathered on the ice in one place, then you can be pretty sure you'll be okay. Unless they're all named Jesus.

[There were two other tips to this one that...I didn't laugh at (though they were useful) but this first guy is worth posting, I do declare.]