Holiday Hilarity

Here are the quotes I collected this Christmastime.
A friend of mine actually asked me about a week in advance to remember/write down some Farquharsonisms from this Christmas break, expecting me to come back with gold. I told her I would keep an eye out but of course I couldn't promise anything. And in the back of my mind I was thinking, "I can't REALLY, consistently expect my family to be hilarious ALL the time -- and hilarious in way that's transferable to someone outside my family." And then, one of the FIRST conversations I have ..I'm falling onto a chair because I'm laughing so hard. Ahh. I forget how funny I think my third brother (85) is. He's such a sniper with his sense of humor. :)

Christmas Eve
(1) I tell my third brother to hang on and not leave the room because I have a birthday present for him. (His birthday is in early October.)
Him: For my birthday? Aww, it's Christmas. I shoulda got you a calendar.

(2) Second brother, trying to convince someone to take a drink of what he's brandishing: It's Crown Royal. That means the queen drinks it.

(3) First sister: Did you know Grandpa only has four toes?
First brother: On which foot?
[At this point the four of us died laughing...and the laughter came in waves..it was beautiful. I then realized late that my grandfather only has one leg.]

(4) First brother, as we were walking back from the corner store thinking of how we could fake a Christmas tree declares: I'll try to find a branch that smells like worms and ..ghost.
Me (thinking this is an amazing rarity): If you find a branch that smells like worms and ghost, I want it.
First brother, shouting possessively and irrationally: Nope! I'm keeping it! You lost your chance. It's going in the Worm-Ghost Museum. It's their only artifact.

(5) My dad, on being roused from light sleep in an arm chair, insisted: I wasn't sleeping; I was checking my eyelids for crumbs. There's none there.

Christmas Day
(6)Third brother is beckoning fourth brother who is engrossed in some craft in his hands: J______, get over here. J______, get over here! ... J______, get over here! J______!! Get-over-here!
(Fourth brother is ignoring him entirely so much that I was wondering whether he literally couldn't hear.)
Third brother's last-ditch attempt: "HEY, FRUMP!"
Fourth brother, half turning: "Frut do you frant??"

(7) During a game of Cranium, second brother was antagonizing third brother as only a brother can and so after the confrontation peaked, third brother resumed reading the card in his hand to his brother, attempting to take the high road and not get hung up on petty things. He reads, "To win this Factoid, you d*ck..." and I exploded so violently with laughter that juice spewed out of my nose and mouth at the same time..soaking my pant-leg, the carpet and part of the game board.

Boxing Day
(8) Grandfather, out of nowhere, asks me during dinner: Your left hand follow you home every night?
Me: Yep!
Grandfather: Usually does.

(9) Same grandfather, somewhat on-topic: If I ever get a note right, I'll never come out of the bathroom.

(10) First brother: There's a guy at my work whose nickname is Stinky. Like his actual nickname was "Stinky".
Sister: Did people call him that to his face?
Brother, without skipping a beat: Well, they yelled it ...from a distance.
Later, first brother: He has twelve cats. And he smells like twelve cats. [beat] I only know he has twelve cats because he smells that way.

New Year's Eve
(11) Coffee shop friend: You wanna know why I don't like her?
[measured pause]
Friend: (blurting) 'Cos she's ugly.
(I burst into incredulous laughter.)
Friend continues: ...and high-maintenance.
Me, recovering: Which is worse?
Friend: What?
Me: Between those two traits.
Friend: It doesn't matter if you're both!