I hope you know I'm still waiting for you.

Is it actually a weakness to talk with your hands?  Is it a problem?  Is it a learned crutch to make sweeping circles with your arms, drawing toward yourself as you talk about gathering?  to outline the top and sides, making ninety-degree angles when you're describing a box or carton?

Human beings are strange (and also very cool).



Last night I slept for something like nine or ten hours because the night before I slept for less than five, and same with the night before that -- and I don't even remember the rest of the week but I'm sure it wasn't pretty.  I didn't mean to sleep like an infant, I just got tired of fighting my eyelids and took advantage of having nowhere to be and nothing pressing to do.  I was so tired I couldn't feel the depths of my tiredness.  I don't know what I was.  But here I am the next day, just about an hour past my recommended bedtime.

I told my housemate a little while ago that I don't function well on "enough" sleep so I have deliberately stayed up late (some work, some chatting and now blogging) tonight.  Couldn't believe how tired and sluggish I was today.  I hope that my body could at least use the extra slumber for something good even though I couldn't feel how it was good.


My heart is a pile of mess, I think.  I need [jump leads/jumper cables].



Last week I penned a to-do list only for church work that had sixteen items on it and I couldn't believe how, within the day for which the list was intended, I K.O.-ed every item.  The last one took me til about 7pm and I've been putting it off for months (because it is interpersonal...... *cough*) but I did it.  I think the momentum of an almost-done to-do list really helped propel me. 


That was last Wednesday.  How will this week's Wednesday go?


Somewhere around 3.45 this afternoon B came and sat in my lap.  "Come here, my couch," he announces, with what might pass as a Newfie accent.  I have barely enough time to move the book and pen from my lap and get my leg out of his way before he's leaped and nestled.  For the first time he seems almost exclusively interested in sitting with me, instead of being about 75% interested in watching television from somewhere comfortable and warm.

He turns around a bit to talk to me or look at his brother and I'm enjoying the bristling of his recent haircut under my chin.  If he hadn't said he didn't like it, I'd always rest my chin atop his head.  A few minutes later he asks me if I can bring over waffles tomorrow.

Why yes I can, B.  It's not in my budget and there's no special occasion but you're sweet and you asked so yes, you can have waffles.  I love sharing special moments and small treats with you guys.


"Bring seventeen of them, OK?"


I laugh.  He asked me to bring seventeen waffles cos that made sense to him.



As I am unable to do many things in half-measures, I ask if he wants the miniwaffles (it was their ad that prompted his question) or the regular-sized ones.  Gifting/treating is like archery to me and I do love that sport.  He asks how big the regular ones are and after seeing my estimate decides that yes he wants two big ones.  I should bring two big ones for me, too.

J pipes up saying he'd rather the minis.  I ask B if he wants cinnamon-flavored or plain and he picks the latter.  He's a funny kid.  Got a palate like a Brit.


Done and done.  I'm happy that he feels he can ask me for stuff like that.  I brought waffles for our last two full days together as a way to do something special but inexpensive in the morning chunk of our day (and something that enabled us to leave the house later for our main activity of the day, thereby cutting down the odds of them getting bored while we're out and increasing the odds of them coming home tired, which is helpful to Dad).  Also, waffles are fun and tasty; they aren't cold cereal and they get to be drenched in syrup or honey.  Yes, they do.




In the back of my mind I'm trying to take a lesson from this and apply it to my relationship with God.  Could I ask the Father for things in the same way?  Could I ask not thinking about how my behavior had been earlier that day, not questioning the strength of our relationship, not questioning whether He loved me [can the boys tell that I love them?], not trying to justify the request nor dress it up?  Could I do that?

Could it also be that the joy He feels is larger than the joy I feel in simply being able to say YES to these kids?  I delight in our P.A. days together because it's a day full of YESes.  I try to plan the day so anything they could ask for I can reasonably grant.  I spend extra money on things they don't need and I watch them have fun.  It is a unique joy to dote on children.

"Jesskah, could you bring over waffles tomorrow?"  He just whipped round and asked.  Even that he asked made me smile.