analogy

You walk into the doctor's office and have a seat on the long, papered chair. You tell the trained professional of all your ailments, routinely shifting your gaze between his eyes, your bum knee and the certificates on his wall. He watches you carefully and listens intentely, periodically making sparse notes on his clipboard that you can neither see nor understand. With a finalizing, "Aaaaand that's about it," you stop talking and breathe deeply. The doctor says, "Alright," confidently in a tone that shows he is (surprizingly) not overwhelmed. He turns away to look for a piece of equipment when you swiftly sidle out of the room as you barely hear him inhale grandly before he would have begun to pronounce your long list of exact problems and exact solutions. *


Between pages upon pages of praise and petitions, I need to stop and give God an opportunity to speak.




*NOTE: this idea is not original (only the creative expression) so I do not take full credit.

revelation part 3

(Being convinced to sin is a one-sided argument.)

You know that sin you have that you can convince yourself is OK sometimes? You know the one that is only written about in the Bible under a larger category or in such vague terms that loopholes are abundant? You know the one you can imagine yourself doing at certain times "in the heat of the moment" even though you have had time to plan it? You know how the guilt you (would) feel afterward is not enough for your repentance to be full and sincere?

I have a sin like that which has been bothering me since my first semester here at the University of Guelph. I like to think I can get away with it unless I think about the "everything is permissible but not everything is beneficial" principle (which I still do not fully understand). Yesterday, I slipped into that sin in the precise way I always imagined it (fantacized about it, actually) except it happened even quicker because of the environment I was recently/currently surrounded by. At the time, my dominant emotion did not let me think much about the sinful aspect of my actions. My thoughts (small because I was VERY distracted) were (a) I cannot believe I just did that, (b) I cannot believe that happened so easily, (c) I do not feel guilty at all, largely because the sin was not as deliberate as one might think (d) I cannot even apologize right now because I would not mean it, (e) I can't WAIT to tell some Christians about this scandalousness and laugh about it! and (f) wow.

Soon after that incident I napped for about 5-10 minutes and when I awoke, the dominant emotion was gone and I could see my sin a little more clearly. At the least, I could see remorse and I apologized though I did not exactly hope it would never happen again.

This morning, while in the bathroom (revelations happen there...) I resolved not to tell a single soul about that sin because I would be doing it to glory in it. Do not get me wrong: I am not in denial and refusing to be honest and vulnerable by concealing a sin. After a moment's pause [as I write this, I think that pause was me giving God a chance to talk] I recognized that I should not glory in things that do not bring Christ glory. (As a matter of fact, anything that brings me glory is unlikely to glorify Christ.) It hit me hard: this is why we do not take sin lightly; this is why not everything is beneficial.

I think that more words heaped on this will take away from the statement so here I stop.

within four days

--"Logorrhea" can be broken down into two roots: "logos" is Greek for "words" and "rrhea" means "free flowing". I find it ironic that "log-" seems to be more closely linked with "diarrhea" but that is OK; I respect the English language and all its idiosyncracies.

--The most recent challenger in the race for strange places to sleep:
Four stacks of six elementary school chairs.

[I wanted to lie down for 15 minutes or so before I continued working in my moms' classroom after school was out. However, I was exhausted enough to forget about the following: (a) I could roll off and smash my something on the linoleum, (b) someone could walk into the room and I would not be able to explain myself very well, (c) yikes. I was into a real sleep and it was my mother's "Oh, I didn't know you were still here," that woke me up. Yowza.]

--My quote of the day: "... great Italians like Jim Carrey, Mozart and Carlos Santana."

--I spent about 26 hours in the Tobes (and partly in the TDot) this week to rehearse with some kids' choirs at my moms' school. It was fun to do it because of the pressure I was under to deliver (this was our first rehearsal and the concert is 6 days away) and because of the freedom I had to call whatever I was doing my "best" whether or not it actually was. Now, don't get me wrong: I do not want to be deceptive. I mean that no one in the school plays piano so I get to be the authority which, I guess, means there is more I can get away with ... but that still sounds wrong. I want to do my best and I wanted to do better than I actually did but, given the circumstances, I could not do much else. Let me tell you: there is a lot of 1-5-1 business going on in my left hand. Amen to that.

--I wigged out during those 26 hours because of how exhausted I was from the past (what is now) 12 days of no sleep and high "stress" thanks to academia. On the streetcar to school on Thursday, I thought to myself, "How am I going to do this? How am I going to do this?" [repeat for 10 minutes] when the gravity of my workload hit me once again. For the record, I was facing two final examinations and one essay due ... well... to-day. The problem was that I could not figure out how to best divide my time and there was not one assignment that could afford to be slacked on (even slightly). I have been aware, during the past two weeks, that I need to insure my spiritual life is healthy during "busy" times like these for many reasons (chime them in, Sunday skool kids...). During that time at my sister & brother's place, I wanted to at least stay in the Bible and stay in prayer but I seemed to be too easily distracted and to only open the Book when I was on the streetcar or the bus because I couldn't be doing school work. In other words, God got my leftovers. Anyways, that Thursday morning, I found Psalm 20 (my habit of late has been to read one or two per day) and it calmed me down like nobody's business. My whole body sighed with relief.

May the Lord answer you when you are in distress;
..may the name of the God of Jacob protect you.
May he send you help from the sanctuary
..and grant you support from Zion.
May he remember all your sacrifices
..and accept your burnt offernings.
May he give you the desire of your heart
..and make all your plans succeed.
We will shout for joy when you are victorious
..and will lift up our banners in the name of our God.
May the Lord grant all your requests.

Now I know that the Lord saves his anointed;
..he answers him from his holy heaven
..with the saving power of his right hand.
Some trust in chariots and some in horses,
..but we rust in the name of the Lord our God.
They are brought to their knees and fall,
..but we rise up and stand firm.

O Lord, save the king!
..Answer us when we call!

When I arrived at the school, I rewrote the psalm, replacing every "you" for "me"/"I" (and every "your" for "my", etc.) so that I could read it and understand that it did apply to me. I carried that sheet around the school with me whenever I was heading to play or to practice so that, when other thoughts crept into my head, I could look at it and be told to chill owt. I can do all things through Him who strengthens me. [I substituted "Christ's sacrifices" for "your sacrifices" and "your burnt offerings" for "Christ's burnt offerings" because I don't live under the law.]

my question:

Blog? What the heck is a blog?


So much to say, so little brain space.

PASSION Toronto

Last night I was at the Passion concert at the Exhibition Place in Toronto. It was awesome for many reasons. Reasons (1) through (7) are all God. Reason (8) is the people, the Christian fellowship, reason (9) is the music, reason (10) is the musical brilliance, reasons (11) through (15) are also God and reason (16) is a mini Project reunion of ten people.

I did not take any notes so I feel like I do not know what I heard or learned last night. I remember that I was struck by Mr Giglio's words as these: "Shame is over with." He said the same goes for guilt and condemnation, citing Romans 8. Wow. I know that all the time and I remember it every now and then but to hear it so bluntly and so confidently is a new experience.

I vaguely remembered last night that I love music and would like to pursue a career in it, though in a different way than playing packed stadiums.

I was very surprized and impressed by the fact that the concert comprised prayer and teaching that was Biblical and exhilirating (the good kind). I was not open to much of it for a while and knew that I needed to get right soon. It was relieveing to be around several thousand students who are excited about the Good News and know that it cannot stay in Toronto and to know that we were not at a Campus Crusade for Christ event. Sure, it was students who wanted to claim their campuses for Christ but they did not need an organization so-named to go for it. I love this and it re-affirmed my perspective on CCC. It is still an organization (a good one) but not the be-all end-all. [Sorry, grammar freaks: I do not know how to punctuate that phrase.]

"I luv to laff"

I noticed, while listening to someone try to explain their reaction to seeing a stupid drunken antic, that one of the most difficult (if not the most difficult) things for humans to describe is laughter. How much easier is it to understand, "she sang like Judy Garland," than, "I laughed until I wanted to cry"? With laughter there seems to be no reference point; there is no common understanding of what a good laugh is (unless perhaps you cite Mary Poppins' uncle).

lessons

If there is anything that God has been telling me every Sunday morning and ever Friday evening [CCC weekly meeting] of late, it is that I need to dive into the Bible and swim a couple laps every day. I don't listen very well, apparently.

revelation part 2

If God has loved the church, who are we to do any less? (courtesy W. Michuki)

The great thing about Christianity is that it does not rely on Christians to sell it.

ranking/displaying/feeding

I officially deem this evening (referring to the Campus Crusade for Christ meeting and surrounding activities, ranging from 19h30 to 23h30) an eight-point-five (8.5) out of ten.

This eight, however, is an average of a five (5) and a twelve (12) because I have ranked two distinct aspects of my evening separately.

Firstly, I would just like to point out that it is an interesting exercise to refer to the organization by the least likely (if used at all) abbreviation: "Christ." Typically, we say, "Crusade," "Campus Crusade" or "Cru". I remarked once that it is uncanny that we have left out the pivotal part of the title.
[e.g. I went to the Christ weekly meeting this Friday.
My discipleship group is run through Christ.
This event is sponsored by Christ.
We are part of an organization called Christ that seeks to change the world by turning lost students into Christ-centred laborers.]
It made much sense to me as I sat in our extended prayer & worship session this evening.

Secondly, the ranks:
Five (5) is for my social interaction that contained about three consecutive bombs. What actually happened was that I initiated interaction with people I know with terrible timing, one after another. I can handle one in an evening or one in a day but not three. It made me quite unhappy (and possibly ashamed) but mostly frustrated. I know it is my fault; that is the worst part.
On the plus side of this aspect, I am relieved and glad that people enjoyed my front-of-room work this evening and last Wednesday evening (at the National Project information night). For this evening, it was just some people saying, "Hey that was funny," which is always nice to hear once your ego has been bruised by the silence after a punch-line. My favorite moment of our Top Ten(-ish) Reasons to go to Winter Conference presentation was when I said, "You get to spend time with J.C. and his Old Man G," and Gregg Hinzelman (director of Eastern campuses, methinks - a man I have GREAT respect for) turns his head away in a gesture of disgust and slight amusement. Ha. Magical. In regards to Wednesday, someone approached me and said that they had enjoyed my presentations of that night and proceeded to ask me some things about Quebec and the ministry there. He said that we, "made it sound like Hell," and I could hardly deny it. I know that we were probably trying to scare them [the prospective project-ees] but I also know that we were trying to be truthful. It is Hell-ish in a place with no Christ, what can I say? I am glad however, that he is interested in spreading the Gospezillio abroad and I hope that he chooses the correct project (note the lower-case 'p') for him.

The twelve (12) was for my interaction with God. Before I went to the meeting I sat down to talk to God (in hopes of clearing, my head, conscience and heart) and reminded Him that I was missing vision, especially for Christ (that is, Campus Crusade for). To-night He told Gregg Hinzelman to spread vision to the Guelph campus and boy! did He get me. I do not know if it is a good idea for me to try to explain all of what God did in my head this evening but I would like to summarize. He told me that the Gospel is important and that it is tireless.

[Side note: He also gave me an idea for the song that I have been trying to write for a couple of weeks now and I likes this idea.]

He told me that now IS a good time for a missions trip because when full-time work and families come around, my schedule will not be so flexible. (A rudimentary but very impactful concept.) When we watched a video about a city in East Asia, I was being hit with that proverbial tonne of bricks. The soundtrack comprised a song I learned in Montreal and brought me back to the sous-sol of Solin Hall. (That pretty much rhymes.) The third verse says,
"To You I give my future
As long as it may last
To You I give my present
To you I give my past"
and those words made sense to me to-night. The chorus did not work so deeply because of its words but the concept of a "sacrifice" was there. It is strange (rare) for me to be convicted about sacrifice when I am not at the polar opposite side of the spectrum, essentially living for myself and consciously pushing God away. This time, I was perched upon the proverbial fence, unsure of what to do. I chose my side and leapt off the chain-link but I do not know what I will land on. The song and the video told me that I need to go away this summer encore. (Maybe this Winter Break, I do not know.) I want to know soon, though so I can go nutz about it. I have some reservations about this next project. I like Christ (CCC) but I do not want to tell any people in the Guelph chapter of my decision to join a project because I do not like the reaction. Petty? Selfish? Maybe. This is something I need to work on. I will not stand to be smothered. The other major reservation is that I do not know where to go and a more minor one is that I do not know where I will live and how I will pass up my summer courses. Well, God, You are good and I trust You so we shall just leave it at that.

-----
I had fun in school to-day.
Class #1 (Shakespearean receptions): we watched a film that was gripping, good quality and intriguingly relevant to Shakespeare. This I enjoyed. We also recieved an explanation of what our next assignment for this course would be and now the excitement that has been building in me since Week One for this assignment is amplified to the fullest (but not yet completely). I am PSYCHED!
Class #2 (Twentieth-Century Drama): we recieved a small but telling glimpse into the professor's life and it made me sad (I hope without pity). Ach. I cannot believe the facade she dons. It makes me wonder if she is as far from accepting the Gospezillio as she appears to be or if she is ready as anything and only needs someone to persevere through the thick shell of pride that too many of us refuse to do without. Also, our essays were returned to us graded and I was pleasantly surprized with the mark I recieved. I am not quite sure if I "deserved" it but I owe every bit of it (of its success, if you will) to God. Her comments on the work, however, make me want to remedy the fault that she pointed out by perhaps visiting her office and asking for some clear suggestions of how to improve. :) Yikes, it feels odd to care about school more than .. well more than in numbers. How I love it.
Class #3 (Music History III): Music is cool. To-day was a good class atmosphere day. Our mid-term examinations were returned to us, graded, and I definitely reaped what I sowed into this assignment. However, I am [satisfied] with the mark. O, I guess there was no other exciting thing to say about this class except that music is GREAT.

Je pense que j'ai fini.

I think I had one more reservation about the next project: I still have not left Montreal so to speak and I do not need to compare the two projects, expecting the latter to fulfill my desire to recreate the former. I decided to-night that my loyalty lies with God, not with the Montreal crew. (I did not feel like being a traitor but I think it is worth it.) I cannot help but think that no group of friends of mine will be as especially lovely, tight and wonderful as the Mtl P ones I have now, but to that I say: a) that is not why I am going, b) maybe they will be and c) the Montreal friends will STILL be around after future Project X.

Done.

P.S. Shelly: sometimes I forget that you read this thing. Since you will know half of what I am talking about in this one, you can just pretend the specifics are not available to you. Or not, whatever. :)

dealing

I think about my summer often, some days more than others, usually with a grand mixture of feelings. I have yet to decide how I will feel about the experience on the whole as I look back on it. I know for a fact that Montreal Project 2005 will never be re-created. I also know for a fact that I might give almost anything to have Montreal Project 2005 re-created (even for a day). It sounds like I am in love. What I have left to hold on to are memories (which are awesome but I fear will fade) and the relationships with the people. The truth is that most of what I miss is the people but that is not all. It was les gens, and then how we lived and worked together, and how we were in the same place for a terminable amount of time for the same reason. I want to be with all 39 of them with God, too, in Montreal. THAT would make the experience uniquely the same. (You heard me.) What can I do from here? I know that I have not fully let go of Montreal - the city and the project. I know that I can return to the city but I feel like my heart is breaking when I reflect on what once was and will never be again.

How dramatic and devastating! I need to get a grip and some sleep. I will re-read this au matin and if I still agree with myself yikes. If I think this is too hyperbolic, I will change it. Hopefully I will have an epiphany to-night that will cure all of this. :)

Neologisms (ENGL*3120) part 2

22/10:
(16)"inter-cross" - sharing across borders, divisions, etc.
11/11:
(17)"percussionalizing" - using a percussionist in an ensemble
16/12:
(18)"triced" - trying to be nice
(19)"redonkerous" - donkey-like ridiculousness
x/11:
(20)"stressfullest" - the most stressful

characterizing

God, thank You for who I am.

I want to try to describe the place I am in at present because I find it quite fascinating. This evening, I sat down for some quiet time with God after a few days' abstinence from it. I have been putting off intimate time with God in favor of school work. Of course I know this is a bad idea as I do it but usually that knowledge convicts me. Here is what was different this time: I felt (being in a place now where I am still riding the run-off from summer project) that I had some kind of God-closeness on reserve. The truth is that I could pass one day where I do not spend quiet time with God and be "OK." By that I mean I would not feel separated from God, and He would know my (good) reason(s) to have foregone the time. After two days, however, it is no longer venial. My point is that the reserve theory is actually valid but that this time - these recent days/weeks - I have not had my reserve adequately full to not have QT for 5 days or so. It is like our body using food ingested for immediate energy or storing it for long-term purposes as fat. If you fast for a week, your body will survive by using its long-term stored energy. However, if you are without food for several months, your body will have nothing to live on. Further, if you stop a fast and then miss one day of healthy eating soon thereafter, it will be far more devastating then - in your compromised state - to draw on empty reserves than when you are in the middle of a proper-eating streak.

I finally buckled down (it helped that it was Friday and I didn't feel anything else could be "more pressing" and that I wanted to be with You when I walked into CCC's weekly meeting) this afternoon and read a portion of Acts 3.

This evening, eight CCC members, students, went to The Manor (Guelph's strip club) to pray and I found myself understanding better the verses of Acts 3 I had focussed on. In verses 15 and 16 (12-14 for context), the Bible says that people from Jerusalem and places surrounding Jerusalem brought out their sick either directly to the Apostles to be healed or at least to lay in the street and hopefully be passed by Peter's shadow to be healed. This made me realize that a) people are desperate (a shadow?!?) and b) they will bring out their ailments if they know the cure is available. I asked myself: am I making the cure available? Do people know that there is a person who performs perfect, miraculous healing free of charge and we are His ambassadors? I need this to be broadcast from my life. I thought at the Manor that, yes, there are people here who would bring out their sick if they truly knew what Jesus was all about and where to find him.

At the weekly meeting this evening Beth Fisher spoke to us about glorifying God and mentioned that we need to have Him on display; we need our lives to show that we treasure Him. Telling the world that we are unashamed of Him and have no desires beyond Him definitely brings Him glory. Bexth spoke well, I want to peruse her notes.

The men of the Bible, of the New Testament, of Acts, they were so bold because they held on to the truth. This is something I definitely need to get into. If I know that the truth is absolute and that God will back me up, there is no battle I can loose. Part of me often thinks it needs to make excuses for God or something silly like that. I am asking God to change my mindset about this because I need some refinement.

Just to clarify: the connection between my three ideas (devotionals, the Manor and Bexth) is that there are people who want to hear or who are ready to hear but we need to make it painfully clear that we have news to tell. In verse 12 it says, "all the believers used to meet together" and so I should remember to be that big presence with our group. There aint no shaaame in it!


I also realized aujourd'hui that I need to serve Campus Crusade for Christ, I need to serve Christ for the time being. It does not matter how I feel about the organization (you KNOW it does not matter how I feel about serving Christ) or what I think my future with it will be. All that matters is that this is where God has placed me for now. Why would He let me graduate if I started cursing and vandalizing my highschool? Take that lesson from Joseph, son of Jacob: serve where you are placed. If God is keeping you in a low place to get you ready to do something great, it is good to be in a low place.

Thank You, God, for all You are.

to-day

This morning when I woke up I was feeling many things that seemed new or unprecidented in some way.

At first I felt like a dead dog on a highway. When that had passed (after some walking around and increase brain activity) I remarked that I was surprized - based on what time it was - that I did not feel as if I had put Tired the Insomniac to bed a week ago. Ahh that's not a comfortable feeling.

But seriously folks. For once I got up at a time where I could - get this - a) take a shower, b) pack food to take to school, c) pack my bag, d) read new emails and e) have just a smidgen of time to pray for the day! Wow and half.. I am not even mad. Who knew the glory of the "early to bed, early to rise" proverb? I'd love to say that I would like to do it every day but I am pretty sure that will never happen. My cycle is pretty far from reformation.

Not even mad.

the double-take

I turned away from my computer, crumpled wrapping in hand, looking for a small black container low to the ground. The first thing I saw that fit that description as I wheeled was a fellow library patron's relatively large purse. I was about to throw the piece in what my brain assumed was the right place but I realized it was not before I had made a full extension of my arm. As I turned back slightly as if to start again; right myself and also laugh a bit, my subconscious told me to throw my garbage in her purse anyways.

thoughts part two

(1)
Why is it that concepts related to God make more sense to us when we take them out of context?

(2)
Friend, when you choose conversation with me over sleep, then I will know how much you value me.


[sister post: 27/04/05:)]