chronic by proxy

Swill


I was hoping I'd feel more like myself today but my plan didn't work. (Or maybe it did and I forget what myself feels like.)
For the last ten days I've gone to bed and gotten up at times that aren't normal for me. Things just kept coming up...it just was what it was. I like it in one way (because I was able to do all those things I got up for that I wanted to do) but I didn't like it in another way because it felt entirely unnatural and, eventually, unsettling.
So last night I stayed up til 2 and didn't get up til 11 this morning. It was nowhere near as satisfying as I'd hoped it would be.

I wish I knew what to say or that I had some ideas about anything. I......

triet V

First time I've heard this: "You have a beautiful voice. It's unique and ...exceptional," straight face and earnest handshake throughout.

First time I've experienced this: talking to the bus driver for the entire duration of my ride. I've had short conversations with a handful of bus drivers (but never longer than a minute or two and only if I'm very comfortable and they are very friendly) over the last x number of years I've been riding the bus. I guess it's been about twenty. I happen to be friends with the bus driver so it doesn't count in the same way. Still, I'm grateful for the unique experience. (61)

First time I've received this: an unsolicited "It's not your fault." (62)I don't know how to describe the relief that washed over me. There was another emotion, one that I don't feel often and also don't know the name of but it rang clear and ran deep. I don't know how I kept my composure and didn't slink into an unburdened lump on the floor or the chair beside me.

:)

IASE

I am SO EXCITED that tonight I get to watch the first Jays' game of the pre-season. First of 2010, first since October 2009! I...am so pumped.

I half-ly remembered having seen it written on my calendar for Good Friday so earlier this afternoon I pulled the calendrix out and had a peek. Then I verified with the broadcasting station and when I saw what they had scheduled for 8pm EST I pumped my fists harder and longer than a butter churner. Ooh baby. I'm...excited. (I need a better verb.)


In other news, yesterday a small girl (maybe 9 years old) said, "I want to be JUST LIKE HER," while I was within earshot and then she looked back not realizing this and seemed almost embarrassed...but not really. She also said something about singing ..earlier she and her sister sat and listened while I played piano. Wow. That phrase just stuck in my head ..it's...wow.

triet IV

I find it funny how leaving a seminar about debt makes me declare over and over, "God is good."

I think it's great that God said we can get vitamin D from the sun. (It's like telling us to be outside and enjoy it..)

I always feel sheepish when I discover that the answer to a frustrated "WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?" is as simple as surrender.

feeling so very blessed.
lovely day.

fantastic weather.

(60)

the hits just keep on comin'....

What is this day?

It started off with me going to bed after the Colbert Report (51) at midnight. (Try as I might I just...can't say no to that show!) It wasn't difficult for me to sleep at this time as I was beat and I wanted to get stuff packed into this morning before the afternoon and evening cascaded by.

But I didn't expect to be able to get up at 7 (52) to watch maybe 15 minutes of The Bugs Bunny and Tweety Show (53) (I just love it...I can't explain). I enjoyed the show but it was taking too much effort to make myself be awake at that time when I didn't need to be. Then I didn't wake up again until 11.35 (54) which was GLORIOUS because it's just what I needed.

I woke up to the text message of a dear friend. (55) I think she is approximately 50% of the reason I almost hit my text message quota each month. It's disgusting. The conversation just culminated with, "Also I just stepped off a curb while texting you and almost fell." I responded saying how great this was and that I was picturing it and laughing. She replies simply, "Which is why we are friends." HA! Didn't see that one coming but it's so true.

Then I finally get out of bed and check zhe email, like everyone else. (Brother...you can really tell a person's priorities with the simplest observations.)
On Friday my pastor and his wife (I hate how chauvinistic that sounds but I can't use names..) had his second child and as I was leaving the building on Sunday morning, I was rushed and could only yell "Congratulations" as I whisked by. But, because he was talking to someone else, I had to tap his shoulder to get his attention. Apparently a tap when you're walking quickly (and trying to show manly affection) carries more force than I realized. The moral of the story is, I made him spill his coffee.

So, first I died. Then I apologized stupidly saying, "I'm sorry - I didn't mean to make you spill your coffee, I only wanted to say, 'congratulations'!" as if my intent was to ruin the carpet. I don't know what I was thinking. He laughs in a way that I've only ever seen him laugh...maybe twice before? Probably just once. I was sure it was just a socially polite laugh so I wouldn't feel bad (BUT IT DIDN'T WORK because I still felt terrible); he said it was OK and I was still in a rush so I just kicked it.

In an email later that day that was primarily for church business, I started with, "I'm really sorry about spilling your coffee today. This is why I don't have friends." Then the middle was the church stuff and I concluded with, "again...my apologies for the abrasive greeting. I feel like a tool. and I didn't even stay to clean up....lame."

My apology and regret were sincere even if they sounded facetious. I just didn't want to be overly dramatic as I know it wasn't the end of the world.
His response which was the first email I plucked this morning: "Don’t worry about the coffee!!! It was funny! Didn’t know you had the strength! And I didn’t clean up either!!"

HA! (56)

Oh man... it was the perfect...The hits just keep on coming!

I suppose I like this especially because I had been praying last week for help to get through those last few barriers of intimidation with him as we'll be working together weekly to plan the music bit of each Sunday service. I just want to be able to be myself. This really helped. (57) I wasn't expecting it, I didn't think I'd have to look like a toad to get there, but I'm grateful.


I should add in that when I got up at 6.55 for Bugs & Tweety I took those few minutes to call my bank and find an unexpected extra $117 there. I'm grateful for this because, well, I needed it. (58) ("needed"?)

Aaaand then I went downstairs to check the mail because I love checking the mail and I love moving around in the mornings. Directly across from the base of the stairs is a chair that's mostly ornamental right next to the front door. On it was a package about 14x12" (? I'm not a great estimator) and the more stairs I took, the wider my eyes grew, first in anticipation, second in trying to read the writing and then finally in excitement that it was for me. (59) At the bottom I turned my head and saw the sender was my very own schwester and that made the package that much better. (59+) I aint even gonna open it yet because I can't DEAL with all these great things happening in such a short time.

What's the rest of the day gonna be like??? Let's watch it take a nosedive. :) Just kidding. I'm optimistic.

I seem to think that everything is about me. :(

Last night in my dream I told my mum I had gotten a new part-time job...and she had told more people than I wanted her to and done so very quickly. I hated the idea and tried to figure out what I should do, if anything.

Then, RANDOM UPON RANDOM, I saw my mother in Guelph this afternoon (she lives in Toronto) as she and husband were stopping at a flower shop in the same strip mall as I was Tim Hortonsing. (HOW RANDOM but not...really random.) So, I was able to tell her in person!

"Did I tell you I got the job?"

[cheerful, lilting tone] "Which job? You've been applying to so many jobbies..."
(insert here a subtle piece of encouragement and relief - she knows I'm trying)

I laugh briefly and with a half-smile, jump in: "Oh, OK. I had a dream that I told you so I didn't know if I had done it in real life.."

My voice trails off there because I realize how ridiculous it sounds. (But it was one of those things where I didn't realize it wasn't real until I said it out loud.)

--

Also in my dreams/dreaming I was running hard for a long time but I couldn't manage to tire run as hard as I wanted to. (How frustrating is that??!?)

I just wanna run so bad, so bad, so bad.


Today was the first day I can remember being glad to see Spring. I usually spend my time focusing on how ridiculous it is that people whip out the bikinis at the first glimpse of snow meltage. But today...today I had that "it's great to be alive" feeling. The weather felt great. And I'm excited that warmer weather means better running.

Robert Pattinson is bashful?

I just saw him interviewed on The Daily Show and I'm amazed! I will admit I've only seen him act in one film and for some (arrogant) reason I thought I had him all figured out. It's good to be corrected.
He's bashful, he's well-mannered, he works hard and now I wanna see Remember Me (2010). I hope it's any good. He's endearing, and interesting and I still feel shocked.

things I wish I could give up for Lent

1) laziness
2) selfishness
3) sinfulness
4) sexual immorality
5) idolatry
6) irresponsibility
7) disobedience
8) spiritual sloth/stagnation
9) bitterness
10) pride

triet III

something that is distinctly disgusting is the feel of a clump of wet hair.

something that is distinctly perplexing to me is the career and personality of one Sidney Crosby.

something that is distinctly precious is sharing kind moments of realness and ease with friends.

clearing out the trunk

Colbert quotes from the episode which featured the author of the book, "Enemies of the People". I think it was a woman whose parents were ...investigated or smeared or something because they were accused of being (Soviet?) spies...but definitely weren't. It was an interesting but VERY eerie life story to get a glimpse of.

1) Don't remember the context but it's just beautiful:
"Listen, I don't think that proved anything but I enjoyed saying it."

2) While insisting that journalists and spies are not so different after all...
"What is a journalist but someone who spies on the truth and tells the secrets to everyone?"

3) On the legislation that some people (NRA members?) were lobbying for which allowed infants/children to have gun licences. Colbert said you shouldn't stop there but go one step further and they showed an ultrasound photo of a fetus with a Glock. The audience laughed in that, "this is so wrong yet so bizarre and I can't help myself," kind of way which The Report is actually really good at eliciting. Then while he waited he pretended he was being held up and put his hands in the air and contorted so he was directly in the path of where the gun was pointing. He had a half-smile on his face that was like, "is this really my job? am I really doing this right now?" After a brief rant, he concludes:
"You can have my embryo's gun when you pry it from his cold, unformed arm-buds."

4) Regarding the iPhone app with sounds to intimidate bears:
"You no longer need to [travel with] bulky bells, whistles or slow, delicious travel companions."

if I lived in PST I would skip church to watch the game tomorrow

another thing to add to the list of stuff I need to do before I die:

make something as "from scratch" as possible.
I'd like to be able to mill my own wheat, milk the cow, etc. etc. for one food item. just some day. some day before I die.

triet II

cartoon character I have recently become OK with admitting I have a crush on: Hank Hill from Arlen, Texas (c/o King of the Hill).

cartoon voice actor who I enjoy thoroughly, continually, and practically compoundingly: Hank Azaria as featured on The Simpsons.

cartoon I woke up early for twice this week and makes me ridiculously overwhelmed with joyful nostalgia: The Bugs Bunny and Tweety Show.

Korman excerpt

"All I wanted was for him to leave so I could get out of this awful place. I wouldn't even let him drive me to the Donnellys'. I needed to walk there in the fresh air, just to get the smell of banking out of my nose" (119).

These are the kind of things that used to make me L out L when I was a kid reading Gordon Korman books. Every now and then I still do laugh out lout but usually it's just a chuckle to myself or a mental note ("that is funny") or an involuntary scrunching of the nose.

Korman, Gordon. Schooled. Scholastic Canada Ltd.: Toronto, 2007.

TCM 31 Days of Oscar

The Turner Classic Movie channel is having a campaign(?) called "The Thirty-One Days of Oscar" during which they show Oscar-nominated films for a month and a bit. Now, I don't know enough about it to say they're showing EVERY winning film since the Academy's founding but that is possible considering they just show film after film with no commercial breaks and no end to their broadcast day. Well I guess it would be all the full-length and non-foreign films. Anyways, I had the pleasure of watching both Saturday Night Fever (1976) and Kramer vs. Krameri (1979) last night.

The first one I had to do it because who hasn't seen that film. The second one I figured I'd give it a shot. I was intrigued by the cast and then by the plot as they explained it in the lil intro. I think it's cool that they have a host (like the Masterpiece Theatre dude, probably) who tells you historical facts and whatever other points of interest. Even between films sometimes, they run little mini-documentaries - basically like a special feature on a DVD - and that makes me understand how committed this network is to the appreciation of film.

Saturday Night Fever was disappointing. I was relieved to know it wasn't a cheesy feel-good film but I was disappointed that the plot felt so slow and almost uneventful -- though I do get it. One thing I appreciate about it is that it made me realize that I've never really competed for something with strangers and a prize or title. I've given many performances, I've been part of concerts, I play competitive games but nothing like a baseball tournament, art contest, dance-off, bowling tourney...all those things in the movies - and all those things in many people's real lives. I feel like I've missed out on some important formative thing in my life. Thankfully my life's not over yet. :)

5/10

Kramer vs. Kramer blew me away. (Slowly by slowly, I am starting to understand why people think of Meryl Streep as they do.) It looks like it was a kind of pace-setter for this kind of film though later ones have infused much more comedy and have a harder time showing the tragedy. I never thought I would say this but it was a smack in the face by the horrible reality of divorce. I'm starting to see what other Christians have been telling me or how they formed their standpoint on divorce. They seem to see it as a special taboo in a class AAALLL its own. Me I have a hard time with that because marriage is hard and complicated and no one but the couple knows what's going on in that relationship. Essentially I'm saying, who are we to judge?
But the other side - the non-judgmental almost objective side - I see how it's just SO bad and someone (if not everyone) always gets hurt irreparably that if you can avoid it, do WHATEVER YOU CAN to avoid it.
Just fascinating. And touching. I call it a remarkable film. I see how the little kid in it is the youngest actor to date nominated for an Oscar. (He was eight at the time.) I highly recommend it.

10/10