something theoretically noteworthy

About a month ago I passed my two-year anniversary at my music-related job and didn't realise it til later in the week.  I kept making a note about how I need to blog about it, to reflect on the twenty-four months but I alternated between over-thinking it and under-thinking it.

At the time I realised the anniversaryness, I was so frustrated with work that I refused to blog and have my whole stay colored by one rough week/day/month/whatever it was.

Now, I've lost the spirit of commemoration and remembrance but let's give it a college try.

•  I am pleased that I appear to have grown into the job and to have learned much about managing people, managing administration work and leading musically.  It feels like a good job and it mostly feels like a real job.  I enjoy it.
• I have been enjoying the creative outlet I'm afforded by the job more and more and more and more lately.  I have an idea, I plan it out, we execute and it often goes well.  I've never regretted a choice for creative innovation, no matter how poorly it panned out.
• I continue hoping for the opportunity to offer individual mentorship and essentially permission to tweak.

• I've learned to let things go. 
• I've learned to let things go.
• I have so much more ground to cover in terms of letting things go.

• I get frustrated often and I am tired of picking my battles.  I frequently feel handcuffed, brickwalled, glass-ceiling-ed, isolated, indignant and angry.  Sometimes I am wrong.  Sometimes I am right.
• I dream of progress and yearn for it weekly.
• I wonder what the calendar looks like.  I wonder what people's hearts look like.
• I would like to give up and I would like to persist.  (I end up thinking about one Sunday or Wednesday at a time.)

That is the end of my post.  The conclusion is that I like my job.  It is both very challenging and delightful.  I'm grateful for it.

like vegetables

I just deleted seven drafted posts from my Lieu de Naissance account and it felt great.  They were mostly unfinished ...just a few notes to remind me what I wanted to say when I came back to it but...I don't think I was ever going to go back to any of them.  One post was fully formed and ready to publish but my conscience was waffling so I left it to see how I'd feel in the morning.  I'm glad I waited.  That post was actually written in November and it needed to never be published online.  Now it is in the abyss.

This day has been insane.  I did go into work this morning, a little later and a little more why-aren't-the-buses-running? than hoped but we deal.  Lots of good news at work.... I have a sheet full of scribbled notes and it will be a challenging weekend but..I like challenges.  (This job hasn't challenged me in ages.  It's just customer relationships that make for hard work.)

I did get to intercept the uber-classy, super-smiley Red Bull rep.  We chatted briefly (he takes his work seriously).  He handshakefully congratulated me when I said why I was there on a day when I normally don't work. 

I didn't see the new baby-daddy but I did leave a cigar with his boss.

The other regulars I bumped into only gave me a hard time ("You never sell me any winners [lotto tickets]..", "Did you sleep in?") and I mouthed off right back.


I created something that looks like a decent outline for the paper I'm working on.  It needs more work.  It always needs more work.  SIGH.  But..I'm glad for progress.  I forgot how much research was needed... I hope my time budgeting is successful over the next six days.


This budget app I downloaded on Saturday is terrible.  It's showing me how I spend my money.  I hate it.  Accountability and sobriety are lame.

None of this is what I had planned to blog about.


--
On Tuesday Miserable S____ came in before I left.  I had actually hoped, that day, to be gone before he showed up.  I had just emerged from the loo at five minutes after three and there he was.  He's usually not in til at least 3.20.  I was a little annoyed.

I went to pack up my bag and my coworker asked if I would replace the paper in #12 before I left because she can't be in two places at once.  I grabbed the key and the roll and then just stopped and leaned on the counter, four feet away from S who was using the ABM.  He didn't look up and I didn't say anything.

"Is today your last day, too?" he asks almost sounding like Robert Munsch or someone equally playful. The day before I had mentioned that it was my other coworker's last day because he was hassling her about being in a good mood.  (I was practically jumping. "Tell 'im why!  Tell 'im why!"  It's so exciting when people get out.  I later realised that I thought I was quitting that whole day and while I talked to her after we'd switched over.  Ha.. I didn't feel too disappointed when I realised I was still on staff.  I was still very happy for her.) 

"NO.... Do you wish it was my last day?  Cos I do."

"Everybody needs a job...." I'm impressed with his softness because the last time we talked about work he was mocking me.

"Yeah, I know!"  (read: "Don't remind me!")

"... just not this job."  I'm shocked by what seems to be sympathy he's affecting.  He seems to understand a) that my job isn't awesome, b) that I don't do it for the glamour (i.e. that I do the job because I need the income) and, most interestingly, c) that I could (can?) do something better.  He sounded like he felt pity in a kind way.  Even if he didn't mean any of what I just wrote, I'll still take the encouragement.

He guesses that customer service is rough.  I [regret that I] interrupt[-ed] him and clarify that I don't mind the customer service bit at all. It's "the other aspects" that aren't so awesome.  He's still banking so I wait for him to look up so I can say I mostly really enjoy the customers except for the small handful of terrible ones, and I un-subtly point in his direction while avoiding eye-contact.

He takes great offense (pushing and pushing) and I claim I made no insult (digging a deeper and deeper hole of backpedallage) -- our norm.  Then he's ready for Powerade so I'm ready for changing the receipt roll in pump #12.  When I come back and I resume packing he accuses me of "loitering" once again.  I point out that it's 15h08 and that I have loitered not.  I give him a recap of the last three or four minutes, most of which he observed and point out that I stayed late because he made me talk to him.

I told him that if he wasn't so unlikeable* I wouldn't have had to stay.  "So.... work on that," I mumbled at the end of my rant because he was staring blankly**.  On the surface, my literal statement was that I didn't like him and that it was an unpleasant and obligatory chore to speak with him. 

**Sometimes I really enjoy not making sense because it can be just as much work as making sense if you do it right.

But, with any reasonable shred of common sense, a peer would decipher my rhetoric and see I meant just the opposite of what I'd said.  It was a very thin veil.  This probably accounts for why
*his face lit up and gave way to the biggest smile I've ever seen on him when I used this word.  I actually had to look away for a second as I said it which added even more weight to the confession. 

When he found his words, he continued to pummel me for not making sense, being ridiculous, etc, etc. as per usual.  I eventually gave up and admitted I had nothing. He grumped, "I didn't think so," (reverting to Guard-Up Miserable S____ in a flash) right before he became a Tim Hortons customer for the umpteenth time.

He turned to yell goodbye before he left, looking all inscrutable again.  Moments later, my coworker asked, "Why do you talk to him??  He's so depressing!"

I laughed and felt glad that she called him "depressing".  I sometimes fail to reconcile his two halves.  "Ohhhh, I think he's great," I blurted because I didn't really care how much sense it made or face it saved.  She didn't really get it.  I told her about the game I play that's called "Making an Incredibly Grumpy Person Smile/Ungrumpy for a Moment" (but not in those words) and she sort of got it.  I don't mind.  I don't know!

tomorrow

I was asked to stop in at work either today or tomorrow to get some instructions for this weekend.  The bosses will be away and the employee who just resigned leaves me with most seniority.  So... I'm in charge for a few days.  It's weird.

Going into work when I'm not working is generally annoying.  But, the perks in this situation are as follows:

- this is a totally new experience for me
- I'm dead curious about how I'll handle the responsibility 
- I will be in at the same time the Red Bull rep will be around (yay!)
- I will be at liberty to talk to any other regulars* I see
- I am guaranteed an early start on a day "off"

*I do hope this includes the one who just became a dad.


I hope it's a good start to a productive day.

triplicate

You might think that I only ever go to, think about, care about this one job by how much I've written about this lately in all these listful forms.  I think the truth is that it's the easiest thing for me to bit-size-ly process that at least allows me to get SOMETHING out in these days when it's hard to...get a lot of stuff out.  (That's my it's-almost-midnight brain that wrote the end of that sentence.)

(1) I didn't really want to work today
-because my threshold for doing this job seems to have just dropped
-because I'm left as the last person who can do all sorts of shifts and I'd have to be a total a** to say NO
-because I wanted to watch the Blue Jays
-because I wanted to work on a paper
-because I wanted a day off

So when I arrived at 14.56 (the bus was late) I didn't look totally happy.  I knew I looked irritated and I didn't like it.  I was planning to think it out and choose to be pleasant but hadn't found the moment to do it by the time 3.30 rolled around and Miserable S____ walked in.

I forgot I might see him today.  It kinda bothered me how drastically my mood improved before he even got in line.

"Well, hello!"

"'Sup." Thump (Powerade), thump (second Powerade).

"Want some cigarettes?"  I'm already walking away.

Thinks for half a moment (he never has to think about it..he's a pretty patternful guy) and reluctantly says, "Yeaaah..."  I'm pulling them off the shelf as he adds, "...gotta stay healthy."

I enjoy his sarcasm because it's so terrible.  It's so flat and doesn't travel far.  He just says what he says.  

I don't know how to respond so I look at the Surgeon General's warning photo and say mock-helpfully, "THIS guy looks healthy."

He didn't seem to find it that funny.  His response is a silent, dramatic closing of his wallet after retrieving his debit card.  It's virtually the same kind of response one gets from most smokers being told to quit.  A subtle kind of "get out of my face".

I'm welling up with stupid comments to make because he usually pays cash and I don't expect this extra time.  I decide I can't pick the least stupid thing and end up singsonging, while handing over his "Love, Mom"-inscribed bagged lunch, "Have fun at work!", the dear or sweetie at the end implied.

He grunts something and then a beat later declares, "Double time-and-a-half," and I nod (turning back into my sincere self without meaning to) appreciatively.  "Well, that's great," comes out of my mouth, non-sarcastically because I am a hard-core fan of silver linings.

He goes for coffee.  (Patternful.)  As he leaves he's still chatting across the store with J__ at the Tims counter because they always have something to talk about.  He yells his typical "take care" to her has he pushes the door open with his back.  Then he remembers me and I get slight nod and a coffee hand salute.  For a second, I thought I saw a look in his eyes like he knew me.

[Side note of life: That is an ODD look to be given by anyone in any situation, I feel.  When someone looks at you like they know you, I suppose it's like they're looking past what they can see.  I think it's some cool combination of unsettling and flattering -- at least the first time.  It wears off.]

I am probably wrong.  I had three customers in line so he only got an affectionate smile in return.  Moments later he's back in the store to use the ABM.  I finish what I'm working on and then throw over without looking, "You missed me that much, eh?"

Pause (I love those pauses haha).  "Yeah.  That's what it is," he answers in virtual monotone, also without looking up.

I laugh and start tying my shoelaces.  (That's not a metaphor, I just hadn't done it since changing into uniform.)

He walks toward the side of the counter and explains that he remembered he needed to get cash to pay for food from the lunch truck.  I had to ask him to repeat it because I didn't get all the words but also because I had understood enough to make 14 different puzzle pieces slip LOUDLY into place in my head and wanted a few extra seconds to catch up.  It's such a funny bit of information to share.  I didn't really need to know why he was pulling money out... People take cash from their bank accounts.  It happens.

"Oh, I see," is my response because there's not much to add.

"Yeah."  He's fully stopped now, not even trying to talk as he walks out, like he doesn't have time.  (Pause.) "It's nice when she just lets me run a tab for a week, though."  He has such a peculiar way of talking and of expressing things.  I'm not even sure that quote is true to him.  I also had to ask him to repeat this because I caught the word "tab" but the puzzle pieces were still doing their slidey thing and trying to shout connection after connection in my brain-ear.

I can't say everything I'm thinking but I will take this opportunity to try a cheap shot.  Straight face... "So.. someone trusts you..."  Immediately I was disappointed with the phrasing because it wasn't clear OR sharp enough but I put my foot in my mouth with him so frequently that it doesn't even matter any more.

Miraculously, he understood that there was an insult afoot and part of his face gave way to a smirk.  No real answer... Yet another pause and a dry, "Yep," that makes me think he should be named Wiley and sit on his porch with Jeb.  "I donno why...." he continues.  He's succumbed to the insult!  He took the dis and had no retort. Wonderful.

[Side boat: I just don't get this economy in which insult = compliment but it does exist.  So peculiar.]


I laugh but I'm out of things to say.  I can only do banter for so long.  He's decided to mosey anyways. 

(2) My boss had asked me to ask the guy across the street if he had a particular kind of vehicle available for Saturday in the event that said guy came in.  I decided to call
-because he probably wouldn't come in so late in the day
-because it was a faster way to get the answer
-because I could

(pleasant but well-rehearsed) "[name of rental place]."

(imperceptibly different from a prank caller) "Hello, am I speaking with [first name, middle initial, last name]?"

"Yes, you are."

"And I suppose you know who this is."

(pouncing, tone utterly changed) "OHHhhhh, do I EVER know who this is."

And of course I am now beside myself with laughter because THIS guy has some Jim Carrey-ish qualities to his delivery.  I don't think I was expecting him to get so informal so quickly nor to be in such a good mood.

(still laughing) "I do actually have a real question for you."  (This is the moment I realise he hitherto didn't know I hadn't only called for poops & giggles... and he wasn't put off.)

"OK!" he barks, sounding like a fired-up athlete ready to hear from the coach.

Now I'm laughing again but I get my inquiry out.  He can grant neither request A nor B and I finally respond with, "Geez, what is this -- a long weekend or something?"

Not missing a beat, "I know, right?  Like some sorta Thanksgiving or something..."

Laughing again, but realising I am still at work and have to watch people so they don't steal gas.  I can't even say much more than, "Something like that..."

He mentions a second holiday I forget and then says something about a guy dressed in red coming around to people's houses.  I don't even know.  But I'm still laughing at his absurd version of playing dumb.  Now I have to go because someone's approaching the counter and we goodbye.

Earlier today I had been reflecting on how I need to make a trip across the street to chat for a bit since I haven't done that in ages and he cant' come to me.  So, it was nice and timely to have a pseudo chat.  I just enjoy the psuedo-friendship...not quite sure how to say it. 

(3)  I saw a very familiar cargo van on Wyndham Street painted with Red Bull colors and logos.  I ducked into the nearest convenience store thinking that's where P___, our Red Bull supplier, might be working presently.  It might not even be his van.  He wasn't there so I kept walking but by the time I'd gotten back to where the van was, I saw him leaned against the wall on the phone.  He held up the "just a second" finger and I waited.  He got his answer, hung up, asked how I was, said it was nice to see me and initiated a hug all in one fell swoop.  Impressive.  I sputtered for a second, catching up.

We chatted briefly about nothing and a few things... He told me a bit about the morning's delivery, I sympathized ..I told him a bit about my life, he encouraged...
He was interested in finishing his work day before the long weekend and I was interested in seeing how the extra innings of the Blue Jays' season opener unfolded.  We were impeding one another so we soon parted.

I don't know why he said, "See you soon, eh?" so deliberately after we had already closed the conversation because...we don't see one another any more.  This was a fluke.  It was weird.  He used to say, "see you next week," every Thursday morning, often full of hope, which made total sense.  But ..this I donno.  (Almost looked like he just gave away a surprise party.)  Force of habit perhaps.

These are the stories.  The Jays won, 7-4 in 16.  And so it begins.  (So begins seven months of paying attention to the MLB.)

Three quotes from work (cos apparently that's what I do now).

(1) Miserable S____ came in a few minutes after my shift was done but I had stayed, checking the order that had just arrived. He reaches the counter and says to both of us, with all the enthusiasm and sweetness of a walnut, "Howdy, kids." When there are two of us he says "kids".

I turn and say with pure cheer before I can think better of it, "Hi Squidward!" I've been wondering lately how he'd respond to me calling him that on a regular basis.

I had turned back to my work before he replied (I didn't think he'd heard me) so I laughed into an invoice when he retorted, "Go f*** yourself. How 'bout that?"

I looked up and his face was smiling against his will. I don't think he likes that he can't always dampen my mood.

I told him I appreciated his entertainment value in my life. He threw another sarcastic remark at me and I fumbled a comeback.

He seemed decidedly less miserable overall today which I can't account for.

(2) A guy whose name I forget came up to the counter saying, "Well, hello my lovely," as if he really believed there was something lovely about me.

(3) The duo of regulars, C & D came in today and D, right off the bat, asked when my birthday was. He claims that he will bake me something (as I did for each of them on their birthdays). (I don't believe him.)

I said, deflecting, "It was yesterday. [rudely sarcastic look of condescending disappointment] Thanks for nothing."

One looks more gullible than the other in the skeptical silence but I give up the ruse immediately. It's in July. "July, eh....?" the clever response.

[pause]

"When in July?"

Now uncomfortable again, "Somewhere in the middle," I reply, waving my hand in a vague circle of the middle of the calendar.

They try to cleverly crowbar it out of me a bit more abd I say, "Somewhere between the 17th and the 19th," to which D oddly takes exception to being labelled the "middle" of the month. I blurt, "It's the eighteenth," with a faint whisper of exasperation because I'm not arguing about "late", "mid-", "mid-to-late" today.

"Ah. That's VERY specific," he nods, making a mental note but kinda sounding like he's still waiting for the full answer.

Deliberately shifting focus I throw in that it's the same day as Vin Diesel's birthday. D, with all the sarcasm of a thousand disgruntled pundits, turns to C drawling, "Ohhhh! Vin DIEEESEL's birthday. YES. That's gonna be the reason I remember..." He rolled his eyes like a diva. Apparently it was silly of me to say.

But C, oh the magical C, comes outta nowhere with an almost Jon Stewart-ish, "He's MY Italian dream."

I couldn't even laugh it proplerly because of how shocked I was. He's usually excluded from the conversation so I totally got sniped. But I did laugh heartily. Perfect delievery and timing....ha.

Photos from Happy-Purchases-Sunday (HPS)

Breakfast for a regular who sees me before he's eaten and is self-confessed happier after he's eaten. (It's like a bribe.)  So much more to say about this/him.

A gift for a lovely gal. I'm very looking forward to bestowing it.

A new case for the iPhone.  Got very tired of scratches and I'd rather pay $50 than $700.

 

Because I write!

For my favoritest supplier who takes meds, sees physiotherapists and has flat knee caps because of a couple decades at the same job.  Simple solution.  He was grateful.  I was happy.

this is for Tuesday.

Yesterday brought me some fantastic lines (and I hope I can explain them all):

1. "I love you. I hope your tongue swells up."

2. "Well good morning, you little ray of sunshine!"

3. "Turn it down just a tickle."


One- I asked the customer if he was allergic to peanuts and he said no. I had just popped a handful of them in my mouth before I grabbed his cigarettes and then realised the potential danger when he had reached the counter. I explained this to him and added that I just shouldn't eat peanuts at work. I then asked if he knew anyone with a nut allergy that he was about to see. He said, "Yeah," coolly and then, seeing my expression flash concern added that he was just gonna rub the pack in their face.

"That seems like a nice thing to do," I observed nicely.

"Yep. 'I love you! I hope your tongue swells up'."

Two- S____ was about to walk in while business was quiet so I was amping up after I spotted him chatting outside. I was working on something with my head bent down when he walked in but looked up to smile loudly and say, "HI!" as he was murmuring (as if it were a threat), "Well, good morning, you little ray of sunshine."
I put my head back down as I laughed, trying to conceal my delight. Then I bounced (I tried to walk but I had a case of the Tiggers) over to the end of the counter while he used the ABM.  I told him, "Your tone made me think you were gonna say something nasty!"

He clicks in and laughs. "Oh -- you little [makes racha-fracha sounds like Harry from Home Alone]."

I laugh because it's perfect and because it reminded me of Harry and then of my dad (who LOVES that bit).

"So??! What's new??" Blank slate. Talk about anything.

(Groaning) "Ohhh, sh**y weekend, sh***y day..." Eye roll and big sigh -- but he's getting along.


"Ah," I nod. THAT day.

He continues: "But I did get to see a movie... Saw John Carter.  First movie I've seen in 3D."

"Soo..."  He asks, "What?" before I can finish because my face looks quite perplexed.

"So, [his small town of residence] is code for 'under a rock', then?"  I looked totally sincere.

It took him half a second and then he succumbs to the zinger with that you-got-me smile pulled out seemingly against his will.  He mouths some angry words but I catch the last ones which call me an a**hole.  I laughed happily.  This name seemed to be the appropriate other half to the sunshine comment because our friendship does seem binary (the sincere life engagement and the rude jabs).

Three- C____ often jokes to us about how we need to turn on the heaters outside so that he won't be cold while he fuels countless vehicles on a daily basis.  After his second visit of the day, I spoke through the intercom: "We turned the heat on for you; is it OK?"  He says, "Yeah, it's pretty good.  Thanks.  Thanks for doing that for me."  This guy  never misses a beat when it comes to joking about.

When he comes in to pay I continue checking, like a good concierge.  "You're sure it's OK?  It's not too hot out there?"

"Uhhhhhhh..." he stretches, sounding like Mr. Ray from Finding Nemo (2003) just like he does every other time he stretches a word comically.  "Maybe it's a little bit hot.  You could turn it down just a tickle."

I laughed so hard that he laughed at my laughing -- and I laugh a lot during the course of a day, especially with pro jokesters like him.  He has maybe laughed at me once before because he's a pro who can keep composed.  "You're nothing if not entertaining," was my conclusion.  I also told him I'd use it, the phrase. And so I will.

Smarch Smbreak

Little J (who is now 5'4" at 11 years old...), Littler J and I were dropping Big J off at the mall which was on our way to the Saugs. It had been a day and a half. Leave Dad's place at 6.30 (a pretend "6.15"), meet Big Sister in downtown Toronto at 7.45 (a wishful "7am") for breakfast, then on to Big Bro's place in Etobicoke to drop off a television set. I asked for the leftovers from the kids' breakfast to be packed up in case J3 wanted them. I don't know who really wants cold white toast, hash browns, mozzarella sticks and deep-fried pickles for "breakfast" (he works nights) but I banked on his history of Hooverishness.

He loved it. Guy devoured all of it and when done said, "Thanks for the breakfast, Jess. You saved me with this." I supposed he didn't have groceries and was hungry.

I was glad to keep the Little Js a secret from both the big sibs. My sister's face on seeing Lil J in my passenger seat as we pulled up was just priceless.


So, J3 got his television which he was SUPER pumped about and wasted no time hooking it up. It wouldn't turn on which left him crestfallen and me a little angry. It wasn't easy carrying it about and I did think about the extra gas used driving it between cities. He kept fiddling and eventually got a little green "AV1" to appear in the top left corner for a second eliciting a hopeful gasp from him. So, he fiddled a bit more and then decided to let it sit and "warm up"... not sure teles really need to do that.

We chatted and he ate the dirty breakfast. The kids enjoyed peering into the well and diversely populated fish tank and then taking Horse, the turtle (...wow, that was just funny to me in a new way hahaha), out his tank for a stroll round the apartment. Eventually the TV came in and my bro thanked me 100 more times. I was glad to be able to bring it from a party that wanted rid of it only five days after I'd found out his was busted.

He put on Hellboy (2004) so I could guess who played the title character and also because it's on his list of movies I need to see. We had to kick it around 11 because the kids were due back at they grandparents' for noon in the Saugs. When he turned the film off, maybe 30 minutes in, I told him I would watch it. I think my original reason for not wanting to was that I expected it to be graphically violent and maybe perverse/morbid. Now, I am interested. It's enough of a super hero-ish movie that I could love it. He made me take it home with me, like a note pinned to my shirt!

He asked for a lift to the mall and I was very happy to oblige.

After we dropped him off, the kids were singing along to some uber-pop-ish song that I can't remember. In the station ad they played a clip from the Gomez single. I said to them that I loved that song. I didn't know why but I loved it. "The Selena Gomez one?" little I-don't-miss-anything J7 says and I affirm it.

Next track after the ad break is none other than "Love Song". I gasp. An unspoken agreement passes through the car and after the four-beat intro we all sing, "It's been said and done," in unison, followed by all other lyrics but one or two iffy lines. I'm impressed with them. And I loved the impromptu singalong.

I'm delighted to spend time with these lil dudes as they develop skills, knowledge and personalities. I know I say it often but I really need to be around more.

Songs on the Radio that I Like Right Now

"Paradise" - Coldplay

"You Da One" - Rihanna

"Fallout" - Marianas Trench

"Drive-By" - Trian

"Love Song" - Selena Gomez (but on its way out)


These songs I feel like I can't get enough of. I always crank the radio when they come on and listen as closely as I can.

That in mind, I find it weird that "You Da One" cointains only two chords (I and IV).
And "Fallout"'s chorus has three, the same old three (I, IV, V). SO SIMPLE and yet I couldn't/didn't do it.

The competing rhythms in "Drive-By" kill me. Just kills me every time.

"Paradise", I have no real idea except that I love the melody and the orchestration. Maybe that the chorus is the same two notes (3-2) over four different chords..? It's always neat [read: amazing to me] when you can make that work.

[Aahha! "Drive-By" just came on!]

I started liking "Love Song" back in Novembey so I'm not as all over it but now I like it afresh for a fun, Smarch Break reason to be detailed in an upcoming post.

take all "today"s as applied to Monday.

(that is how long it took me to finish typing this post because a term paper was eating my head this week.)

Today.

Today two different people wagged their finger at me mock-parentally, mock-disapprovingly within ten minutes of one another (on the same topic). The second one was much funnier (the first got lashback). He was acting like a bad actor, rigidly imitating a cheesy sitcom grandmother telling her adult son to clean his dishes.

I watched J__ handle the chip bags with incredible slowness and delicacy because I'm quiet enough and his hearing is weakened enough that crinkling Lays will drown me out. Kinda funny to watch, kinda nice that he'll lose a sliver of work time to converse with me.

(3) Today someone stood up to my boss in the most amazing way. It was fantastic. The boss didn't take it well and his ears were plugged from accepting reason but that is OK. The guy, who never lost his temper nor raised his voice, said wisely as he was leaving, "Well, I've explained it to you; you can do what you want with it." He absolved himself in a smart and fair way. It was wonderful to witness.

(4) Today was the last day that S____ is obligated to buy me Tims when he sees me. I told him I was looking forward to him not resenting me and he laughed.

(5) Today, I stayed after my shift was done for the same reason I usually stay after my shift is done: for the chance to chat with Miserable S____.

I wouldn't stay forever but I would wait til the next bus at 3.23. Unexpectedly I became so engrossed in catching up on my Twitter feed that I didn't see him come in. I didn't see him walk up to me and I was totally shocked when a loud CLAP!ing sound was made very few inches from my nose.

I jumped. I gasped, I put the phone down and I flashed "why, I oughta!" eyes into his. Without thinking, I seethed, "Screw you," pointing an angry (but really just a getting-over-shock) finger. He was momentarily struck dumb by my choice of words and seemed to be debating whether to make some innuendo-ish comment, like he did when I accused him of putting words in my mouth.

"You kinda startled me..." I continued more softly, buying him time to get with it.

His face is contorting with indecision. If I didn't know better I'd say he was flustered. He's almost NEVER without a reply on hand. He's quick as a whip; a scrapper. Right before he speaks he looks almost nauseous.

"I had an odd experience over the weekend," he drops with no obvious intention to continue without prompting.

Don't gotta tell ME twice.

"What happened?" I asked transparently and made the Chesire Cat jealous. I couldn't be more curious.

"Someone else called me Squidward."

"No...!!" I exclaimed, stamping the counter and leaning forward in disbelief. I thought there was a 50% chance of leg-pulling.

"Yep," he answers simply, again refusing to continue unprompted.

"Nooo...??" The tone is almost identical but now I'm shaking my head and asking for final confirmation.

"Yep."

My fists start pumping the air. "Yessss," comes out as I celebrate and start to laugh. He's fighting to suppress his own smirk despite looking as though he predicted my reaction.

I think that having my theory corroborated by someone who properly knows him and who could not possibly have coordinated with me was somewhat unsettling for him.

"By who??" I inquire hoping it's someone who knows him SO well that he can't argue. I actually specifically hoped it was quelqu'un in his family.

He shruggingly replies, "My buddy Jay," pointing a thumb back over his shoulder as if Jay is standing there or as if he lives in that general south-west-ish direction, but breezes past because he's finally ready to continue with the story independent of my and then?.  He says he got to his buddy's house and Spongebob Squarepants was on the TV.  He sits and they watch a bit.  After a short while his friend turns to him and says, finger pointing, eyes wide in the eureka! moment, "You're Squidward!" 

I so appreciated the absence of simile language.  I was expecting you're "just like" or "kinda like" Squidward.  Even just hearing S____ use the names of these characters that I know all too well made me exceedingly gleeful.  Not a whole lot of people will enter into the Spongebob world with me (and almost no one stays) but the guy took a dabble.  And watching him so perturbed...it was wonderful. 

I laughed at his delivery and took another moment to do some victorious fist pumpage.  He allowed it.

Amazingly S____ still had no come-backs for me!  He didn't have any jabs or insults...he just waited and brought short sentences.  I asked what he thought of Squidward and whether he could see the similarities. 

He pauses so much longer than I'd expect because THIS is the question our whole conversation (and previous conversations) comes down to: DO you see that you are an incorrigible meanie-grump? (I like that the metaphor can extend to liken me to Spongebob who is disturbingly chipper and can't get enough of Squidward's company, seemingly impervious to all of Squid's "I hate you; go away" overt and covert messages.) S____ had to know this was coming.  He says, so evenly measured, "He seems pretty reasonable..." and neatly awaits my response.

I think I literally gawked.  Hahaha no one but a similatrix* would say that Squidward was "reasonable".  Sure, he's sensible and responsible in many ways but reasonable? in terms of his unwavering anger, apathy, rudeness?  Nope.  Takes one to know one.
*"similatrix" is not a real word but I like it.  

S____ has used up all his spare pre-work, pre-coffee time (so thankful when he gives that time to me) and is now heading toward Tim Hortons as I offer, "Of COURSE you think he's reasonable -- you're just like him.  Whereas everyone else [here I'm thinking of Jay, myself and the residents of Bikini Bottom] thinks he's a ..." and I swallow the word "jerk" because I think this is a bad time to take a shot. 

I don't mean that S____ is wrong for his natural disposition. I don't mean that.  Obviously, I like getting his goat and I like annoying him through smileful cheeriness. What I was trying to blurt was that him thinking Squid is reasonable is perfectly supportive of the fact that they're similar. 

I say, "I'm just gonna stop there," to explain why my sentence truncated with a tight-lipped nod, not a noun.  And he says, shields fully back up, "That's probably a good idea," now twelve feet away.  There is - I think - the faintest hint of bottled rage in it, a faint hint that often laces his words and looks. 

It was a queer ending to an entertaining exchange and I wish I could have drawn more insight out of him but I take what I get.  As always, he bids goodbye before he exits the front door.  "Have fun, kids," he shouts to my coworker and me. 

What a guy.

Pretend I posted this at Thursday's 2am when I fell asleep with my phone in my hand.

Not quite sure what happened today but it was a good day.

Fair bit of people-ing but spread out over fourteen hours...
-one regular
-one long, long-time-no-see
-one (f)unexpected
-one occassional & forging

I've been watching a bit of TV tonight and it's all brain-consumey right now. I don't particularly like it but it's interesting. I'm staring at the screen like I'm a vegetable... It's weird. Totally spaced out (spaced in?).

I think I worked pretty hard today, with "breaks" only while travelling from A to B. Between relationships (including artfully throwing two Cribbage games), academic work, submitting four important documents to four different offices, cleaning, buying the last two needed uni texts... it was a full day of good, responsibility-ish things.


Not really looking forward to work tomorrow. Not really at all but I am hopeful for something to make it fun or look-forward-to-able.

Yesterday I was issued a loan and a grant that form the ominously absent piece in the financial puzzle I had planned on this spring.
Things did not go as planned and it has been rough adjusting. I'm not overly fond of having a low income but we ask, we work and we wait. I'm trying to learn.

I was not expecting to have a balance owing when I finished filing my taxes. Wasn't expecting it cos it's never happened before. I owe far more money than I can save up for 30th April with my current income (which is my own fault).
I'm not proud of this but, after I triple-checked the numbers, I kinda put my head in my hands, breathed something about disbelief, fought the urge to be upset with Someone whose fault it wasn't and then walked to my bed and took a (fairly angry) nap.

You can't not pay the government and I couldn't pay the government. I planned to set aside whatever I could (which was a joke), to look for a better job, and I asked God to show me what was going to make up the rest. He was mostly silent on the topic...which makes sense.


When I read of the unexpected (incredible and timely) loan offer last night I checked it out as best I could outside of business hours and then, deciding that if the information was wrong I could still absorb the loss, went on a shopping spree. Yes. At the first hint of being able to go a notch lower on the belt of a strict budget, I tend to go splurge on one good thing, immediately. I call it exercising my freedom but I'm sure there's another name for it. (Impulsive? Impetuous? Ridiculous? Either way, I still do it on occasion.)

We finished rehearsal shortly after 9pm. On this whim, I marched myself down to FreshCo and went nuts with twenty-six dollars worth of groceries. It felt great. It actually felt great. I've learned that not having much food in my house depresses me.


I'm really glad and amazed that the loan will take a big bite out of the taxes I'll be paying. I still want a new job (but I don't want an iPad anymore).

Feeling encouraged (especially the part where I can buy materials for uni that I want - not need - because the loan was issued so I could study and be a successful graduate). And grateful.

"Paradise" by Coldplay

-today my boss asked me why I looked so sad

-today S____ asked why I was giving him the death glare as he walked out (and shook his head - smiling & speechless - at my reply)

-today/this week/this fortnight/this month I want a break.

-yesterday I wished I knew Jesus better

-today I started following someone new on Twitter

-today I am tired

-today I was given a rolled up rim for a free donut/beigne!
did he think of me and walk in with intention or did he just find it in his pocket as he reached the counter (and he doesn't like doughnuts)? lately he's come off as the well-intentioned outdoor cat that leaves dead mice and birds on the doorstep. I don't always get the gift he brings but I see it means something to him. it's kinda sweet.

-today J__ was terse/snippy with me at a point and I immediately shut down (fought hard to get normal again before he left)

-today...something-something

-yesterday I re-realized that if I quit swearing I would need to work harder at putting anger, frustration, hurt into words

and

I like working hard to put things into words and to express the hard-to-express


(this is part of why I like writing) so --


challenge accepted.

triet XLII - workuotes

1- S___ started a sentence to his coworker with, "She (meaning me) made me smile when..." and I literally didn't care what the end of the sentence would be.

2- Nice lady asked me Monday if I'd be in Tuesday and to my "yes" she chipperly announced, "Well, I'll see you tomorrow then!" I didn't know our rapport was so rapportful.

3- On Tuesday Miserable S____, after many disbelieving, non-comprehending, cuss-laden, outdoor-voice questions concluded, "You're a strange bird." I only nodded without looking up and said, "I know," very quietly.

He intimidated the crap out of me that day and I mostly regret not pushing through and making the effort to be friendly. I wonder if the threat of rejection is always a part of intimidation. It takes much courage to initiate with someone who is (that) closed... I just didn't have the stamina - or the willingness that day to look a fool while he did his pseudo-haughty, half-apathetic thing.

And still, as soon as I had walked out, my heart sank with regret. I only get two days per week with him but lately it's been barely two because Tuesdays require me to be on the first bus outta there.

I wish I had talked to him. Here's to next time.

And then the day AFTER Vamlumtime's Day...

I was in the Red Brick Café and while I was looking through my wallet I had my head deliberately down because I don't want to be that annoying customer who needs to have a personal conversation every time they're in.

J___ surprised me when he said, Hey! brightly though I had already walked past him. I turned and he continued, "I missed you on Valentine's Day..."

He's pretty good at being fake-creepy or fake-inappropriate and I waited a moment for his face to change and show it but no.

My muted shock at his apparent seriousness was readable so by the time I'd found my words he was already saying, "Don't know what to say to that, eh?" and had finally cracked a smile (which brought me some relief).

Overlapping, I shrugged and guessed, "'I love, you, too'...?" as the proper, socially expected response. (I had an exaggerated, "Is that the right line?" look on my face.) He laughed.

One weird stinkin' Valentine's Day.

Not sure what I expected but it seems weird.

-In the morning I was insanely full of pep. I had chosen to forego my reading last night in favor of sleeping. Seven hours of sleep made a huge difference in my day. I was so glad to have made the decision. Felt some regret when I was sitting in class a few hours later but there it is. Live and learn.

-I want to write about all the sillies of the day but they really do seem silly now. It was a fun day in some aspects and I was happy to connect with my coworker a little more (she's making it easy).

-The one thing that has stuck with me is what Mark told me about his new lil daughter.

A couple weeks ago I asked him if I had overheard correctly (from L at Tims asking about pregnancy) and he said that yep, his wife was expecting a daughter that Friday, their second. I communicated my normal impending-human-birth excitement and the conversation ended politely enough.

I hadn't talked to him or his crew in about two weeks and that's been weird considering I used to serve about six of them each morning, four days a week. (Donno what's happened, aside from a bunch of guys getting laid off recently.)

He came over that day for his small John Player Standard blue king and after I answered that I was fine, I asked how the daughter was. He tells me she's alright and implies that mum is, too. He then tells how they just got back from T.O. where the little one had undergone surgery to correct being "tongue-tied" which I didn't know was more than a euphemism for being speechless or nervous.

Her tongue isn't properly separated from the bottom of her mouth which makes feeding quite difficult.

He says, "Nothing against people who have a lisp but..." and then gestures like he's kinda hoping I'm not offended or something so I jump in with, "but if you can help it..." and he relievedly comfirms and continues. I think it's totally fair.

I'm listening and nodding along, not pretending to be interested; I am interested and pleasantly surprised that his answer consisted of anything more than, "she's fine." He throws in, "They didn't give [her] anything, eh?" It takes me a second to click in cos the phrasing is so obscure and the timing a bit weird.

My face is showing a "what??" / "no way!" / "explain, please" expression. He tells me that they didn't give her any anasthetic and my face quickly turned to sad, whimpery, looking-at-a-shivering-puppy frown and unthinking I emitted an awww. He dropped a "yeah" in agreement with my sentiment and continued to explain how they just "held her down" and did it.

I forgot where I was and exactly to whom I was talking. My face grew sadder and I-wish-I-could-stop-the-pain-of-a-little-defenseless-precious-thing-ish, but I knew, like this new dad knew, that the doctors did what was best for the infant and had absolutely no inclination toward cruelty. Still.

Mark's transaction was long done before we had finished talking. He didn't say a thing about emotions and didn't have to. He seemed to appreciate that I was tracking. When he realized he needed to get back to work, he started walking backward and called, "Thanks for asking," as a goodbye which has got to be one of the most sincere ends to a conversation with a customer I've ever heard.


I was struck by the whole moment. Babies are babies and Mark's a sweetheart. I felt sad for the girl and rough for the dad who had to watch his three-week-old wriggle and scream in pain. Quite a moment.