a pair of doublets

A. Today when I alighted the bus this afternoon I looked to see if the guy who watches me was there. He was, and he seemed to be looking to see if I was among the crowd. My bus was late so I needed to wait 25 minutes for a transfer. The bus I wanted docs by him so I stayed where I was, entirely blocked by huge slats of plywood around a statue. I stood and continued to listen to the sermon I was in.

(1) I soon spotted one of my regulars walking toward me and shifted the headphones off my left ear to nod and say hey. He was chatting with someone (and eating a REALLY TINY packet of crisps) so I figured a passing greeting.
He stays and is VERY chatty. (In the past he's been pretty inconsistent.) He is also somewhat physical and trying to use flirtatious language, despite being a little drunk. I'm thankful that we see one another so inconsistently and that he forgets, to some extent, what has happened.

(2) I keep listening and then decide to pick up a travel mug from across the street. Soon as I step out from behind the public statue cover he is there. He has walked across the street to come see me. BARF. I nod a not-courteous recognition and continue toward the intersection. He persists and is asking me how I am and whether I'm enjoying the sunshine. He asks when we can talk... when I am free. I say I don't know.

Fellas, if you ask a woman when she's free and she says she doesn't know, do you understand what she really means? To me, it's not rocket science but I must be wrong.

I was moslty scowling ... I walked away while he was still talking, and I think he was asking for my number. It's all very weird and gross and dumb. I need to do better; I really do.


B. Friday held some fun surprises (and I present them by way of contrast!).

(1) When I arrived I saw the regular who put up the sign for us a couple weeks ago in line for the ABM with his little son, probably five years of age.

"My apprentice," S____ supplies when I've made a "this is awesomeness" face, indicating the little one. His kids have come up a few times in conversation and our mutual comfort and friendship has developed enough by now that meeting his family would be cool (read: somewhat meaningful).

"Your apprentice- ha," is my mindless reply. It's funny and cute (because the kid is cute) but not that original. "What's his name?" I ask in my unbridled kids-are-sweet-and-precious tone which sneaks up on and gets the better of me every couple of weeks.

"Brandon," he tells me, happy/proud dadly.

"Brraandon," I repeated with an almost musical intonation, bending down to address the child instead of gossipping. "Can I have a high-five?" I felt badly that I caught him so off-guard that he didn't have time to wind up and wallop my palm like I know he could and would have. Next time!

Later at the counter buying 500mL of chocolate milk, I asked S____ if the tea was for his son all along. (This is the three cream, two sugar that I was permitted to mock mercilessly.)

"No, he's drinking something manlier, according to you." My coworker who was actually cashing them out laughed heartily at this, which surprised me. I laughed but was distracted by the sideways pot shot he'd taken. But ALSO, the little dude, who I didn't think was even listening, smiled HUGE. Hahaha I hope he understood his dad just said Brandon was manlier than him. Magical.

(2) Went across the street to kill time after work before heading to a nearby banquet hall. [Side note: Never been able to say, "I gotta go to this fundraising dinner for work." Wish I had used it more.]

Had a good time chitchatting with B______. Unfortunately, as has become the norm, we ALMOST got into it on a topic where we both have strong opinions but flitted (that's not a typo; I mean flitted) around too much to really dig in. Additionally, I deeply regret not giving a full, proper answer to his inquiry about the dinner. I don't get a lot of opportunities to share my faith at work, and I've never had one with him.

He told me that it's not right for Muslim boys to be permitted to bring daggers to school because it's part of their religion. We had been talking about police officers being permitted to wear hijabs as part of their uniforms. I agree with him.. but not only that compromising the uniform is a problem. I would go one step further to say the hijab (and all religious trappings) are useless and should be done away with -- but really we just need to be done with religion. Don't know if he would go that far - but I didn't even get to ask. Disappointment.

Anyways, he says he's pretty sure if he sent his kid to school with a knife it wouldn't go down well. I agree and say the situation is preposterous. There's a break and I think it's an appropriate time to ask, "Do you have kids?" I'm sure he doesn't but I'm asking.

"Noooot yet..."

I wait, in case he's musing about the greater question of whether to procreate. Nothing comes so I pursue. "What?"

"It's not...OUT yet," he continues, gesticulating strangely. I don't know if he means "the secret" or the decision or if he's just being weird like he so often is.

"You mean..." I'm starting to pick up that he is downplaying on purpose. It IS what I think it is even though his body language doesn't match. My eyes get bigger, a stupid smile appears and the pitch of my voice is getting higher and higher. He is leaning against a counter that's perpendicular to me, fiddling with paper in his hands and saying little.

The next chunk of conversation is a bit blurry but I know I got increasingly visibly excited, making him confirm a few times that YES, his lady is pregnant. He made eye-contact with me just once and it seemed he was searching for a trace of insincerity or sarcasm. He looked at me when "That's so exciting!!" exploded out of my mouth. I may also have done an involuntary Mrs. Klump clap or five. (The "Hercalees! Hercalees!" clap.) I did it.

He was mostly "yep"s and nods. I was and am pretty amped up.

Then, realizing I might be grossly misreading him, I verify. "I'm assuming this is your first child. Is it?"

WITHOUT SKIPPING A BEAT, without looking up and with incredible deadpan, he replies, "I wave at the school bus sometimes. Some of them might be mine." It was too funny. I was happy for him because he's clearly much more comfortable cracking wise than being congratulated.

I felt pretty googely-eyed for a while after that and I think it was compounded by the joy of meeting S____'s boy earlier, as well. GOOD DAY. I felt blessed that I know these people enough to learn and care about their families. Just remembered I was so excited at B that I asked, "How many boy or girl?" and didn't bother to correct it. It was a great character for a day to have, especially after Harlot Thursday which we won't speak about. Thank God I don't receive the proper punishment my Gomorrah self deserves. Thank God.

I think I might start using names stead of first letters and blanks. It's kind of annoying (and hindering).

Why do razors cost a hundred and sixty dollars?? Come on.

I'm listening to Chris Tomlin sing about God at an uncomfortably high volume so it drowns out the bottom 2 1/2 layers of cynicism in my mind. It is helping; He is the King of Glory.

SPEAKING of cynicism, I was talking to my favorite cynic, Miserable S____, at work yesterday and he told me he was hurt that I had called him a super villain.

[Interior: fuelling station concourse.]
Last Friday, I'm leaving and must walk past him at the ABM to do so.

S: "How's it goin'?" Same tone, timing, inflection as ever.

Uninterested in the topic I ask if he won the millions because he'd just been checking his lotto tix at the back.

"God, I wish."

"What?"

"God, I wish."

"OH. I thought you said, 'God, I hate you,' which I would understand because--"

"Because you're mocking me?"

"Well that, too, but I meant because, well, if we were super heroes, we'd be arch nemeses because YOU'RE super cynical and I'M kinda optimistic."

"Do you really think I'm trying to take over the world? Do you think that little of me?"

"That's not what I meant..."

"You said we were arch nemesis."

Desperately groping, "I also said you were super -- and a hero."

He looks at me with a full "nice try" expression that, if coached could make a great girlfriend-rejecting-an-excuse-for-a-forgotten-anniversary face.

I decide it's time to walk away. "I....love digging holes for myself."

He laughs and yells, "Take care." Again it's the same "take care" as always (a superficial phrase coming from anyone but an intentional, affectionate one coming from him).


(I don't know what's happened in the last couple weeks but he seems to be less annoyed with me than ever. I think it changed after I made a conscious decision to back off.)

[Interior: fuelling station cash counter.]
The first hole I had dug was the Saturday before last when I was called in to cover a sick coworker. S____ walks in with civilian clothing. I don't notice him and almost don't recognize him without the blue coveralls of a welder.

Before I have a chance to think, I'm saying I am shocked because he looks like "a real person".

Well phrased, Jesskah, well phrased.

Of course he takes exception and of course I am making less and less sense while getting more and more flustered. Amusing for him, frustrating for me.

[Present. Interior: fuelling station concourse.]
I was leaving and he spoke civilly to me as he bought gas from my coworker.

Later, because I have time and the Tims line is long enough, I go find S and check to see if the "real person" comment had, in any way, been legitimately offensive.

S: "I'm more hurt that you called me a super villain."

Body posture and whiney tone on the cusp of grovelling: "All I was trying to illustrate was that we're opposites."

Straight face, no hesitation, earnest tone: "Is this a race thing?"

I laugh briefly like the wind has been taken out of me because I am dead shocked. (I have never made racial jokes with him.) The only response I have is, "In that case we'd be HALF-opposites," and he laughs.

"It's been a long time since someone's pulled the race card on me," I continue because I am still too shocked to say anything but exactly what I'm thinking.

I persist, digging for any real problems. He unkindly allows me to squirm. I finally quit, saying, "I'm just gonna walk away and assume that we're cool..." with a speak-now-or-forever-hold-it raised-eyebrow face.

He (ever smug) says nothing and lets me leave. Calling later, "You make it too easy."


I donno what happened. But whatever it is, he's amused, I'm honest and ONE day... maybe ONE day we will have the real conversation I'm dying to have.

Today was a pretty good day.

I think I could possibly go for some street meat right now.

I'm watching "House M.D." (cos the owners of the house I live in have Rogers on Demand aaaaand a big-screen HD beats a little iPhone or choppy laptop screen any day) and LIKING it. Been looking for 45 minutes to spare to do this for about five days and though I will pay for these forty-five minutes with sleep, I'm feelin good.

I slept in so hard this morning. It was awesome. I eventually crawled out of bed to pour cereal then ate that in bed. I like not being rushed in the morning AND getting eight hours of sleep.

Sometimes I like my job. (Which one does she mean? Both.)

I started listening to Romans 12 while I shovelled whole grains down my gullet but had to keep pausing it when my attention became divided. Then I stopped it altogether because I could not manage to hold back the tide that was "processing yesterday".

Yesterday was so flippin weird. It saw three different regulars at work drop an F-bomb for the first time in my hearing. (Just weird that it was all on one day.) They all shocked me and two made me laugh.

N_____ was pulling five-dollar scratch tickets from the tray and one popped out that he didn't want. As if it was static electricity-charged cellophane sticking to his hand or a fly repeatedly landing on his food he said, "f--- off," dismissively but not angrily. He sounded like he had a case of the Fridays, anyways. My eyes bugged and I just looked at him, starting to smile and expecting an explanation. (Last week he walked in whistling and my first question was, "Really? You're THAT happy?" He tells me he's just a happy guy. So, this cuss seemed to be a bit of a contrast ...though I do realize he's a grown man who works in a factory, not a nursery.) He didn't answer my implied question, trying to get away with it by pretending nothing had happened.
".... Did you just say what I think you did?"
A super-guilty, "No," pops out with a smirk and I laugh. "I said, 'Boston Rules'," and of course I laugh even harder. Boston Rules. (He's a Bruins fan.) I think maybe it was funnier cos it made me picture him a kid in the 70s defending the honor of someone like Led Zepplin.


I found a copy of The Maple Leaf Rag downstairs and started trying it out. I wanted The Pineapple Rag to be in there because it's the one rag from The Sting (1973) that's not on the soundtrack. Apparently I like ragtime. Honest? I REALLY like ragtime. Chuffed about how quickly I've picked up the whole first page. It's been so long since I've found something in the perfect challenge range: I can make steady, discernable progress but still get frustrated and still need to study the music, not cut corners. It's a blessing. :) I have been wanting to take advantage of the fact that there's a piano in the house I live in. Epic.


This week, as I have told four different people, has been marked by selfishness for me. It is gross. By Thursday I was trying to MAKE myself feel remorse but it was hard. I WANTED to do what was right but the wrong thing felt so much better. It is VERY GOOD that I did not get my way. Very good.

On Thursday I began praying for specific encouragement for what I'm doing at (cashiering) work. Tonight that request was granted. I am quite smileful for it and am energized to go even HARDER (to plan more, to pray more, to give more, to focus better) next week and however many weeks following I have here. It's....very good.

I am looking to next week to be a do-over of this week. I took advantage of people and put my desires first, first, first. If Sunday morning does its job I should be sufficiently put in my place to do next week better. God didn't give me that job so I could get a swollen ego.

Last night I went pubbing with a dear friend. It was great. I liked the part where I came home from work (I have a job and a home; thank You, Jesus), made dinner, chilled and then got ready to go out. I think I don't go out on Fridays like I wish I did. I love staying in and often the end of my weeks NEED to be spent alone, decompressing but this I was looking forward to. Really feel humbled whenever this friend makes time for me.
Good chat, DELICIOUS beer (it's been a while) and bangin tunes. On a whim, invited some friends who were nearby to join us. It's difficult to put into words how the night went after our party size doubled but I enjoyed myself. I guess it was a peculiar mix and thoroughly unpredictable -- but good. I'm still processing it.

I did not expect them but I very much liked the serious bits of the conversation. (I adore serious/heavy conversation.) Such transparency I haven't witnessed in a while. I was glad I did not do the lion's share of the talking.

I think, however, what struck me the most last night was what I discovered about the friendship that has recently been through the ringer (and twice pronounced dead in my mind). I learned (LOUDLY) that the foundation is stronger than I thought. It's getting stitched back together and I'm in no rush.

I missed you.

And, it meant a lot to hear what you said.

H.R.H.

I just listened to 50 Queen songs in a row.

Not entirely sure how I decided "A Night at the Opera" was a good soundtrack for a Day Alone With God but there it is. It was a good soundtrack. One thing led to another and I was soon listening to four albums back-to-back and in chronological order. Good times. "News of the World" comes out again as my favorite Queen album and among my top five favorite albums of life.

"Leaving Home Ain't Easy" sounded differently to me from what it has in the past ten or whatever years I've been listening to this album. After the first time Brian May sang the title in the chorus, in my head I said, "I find going home so much harder," as if he and I were in conversation. Funny. Home is such a funny thing.

I'm trying to write more but all I really have to say is that I like Queen and I really enjoyed listening to them today. It was a good DAWG and I used that music to worship.

Next episode: Michael Bublé.

And SPEAKING of mo'staches...

Where I work, I get to see PLENTY. Ruining perfectly good faces and being hilarious all at the same time.

Yesterday I asked two of my regulars, "How's the moustache?" in place of where I normally migh ask "how are you?". (They do have a knack for stealing one's attention.) Both men seemed ready for December 1st to be tomorrow but were also OK with putting up with the things.

Last week a long-time regular, T___ came in and I just looked at him and said sternly, "Is that what I think it is?" [If you translated me from Greek, that would be the NIV and the ESV would have said, "Not you, too..?"]

He smiled and asked proudly, "What? A mo?"

I think I said, "ARGH!" in response but I was mostly laughing. I bug him as much as I can. (He's in a few times a day.)

Yesterday I saw him out at #8 and said through the intercom, "If you still have that thing on your face, don't even bother coming in."

Without skipping a beat he asks, "So gas is free today?"

I laugh and explain that his coworker (who was presently in line for Tims) could pay for the gas.

"Oh." Slight pause. "Yeaaah, I'm still creepin'."

I forgot to push the "talk" button when I laughed LOUDLY which is too bad cos a good funny deserves the reward of a good laugh.


Some day recently a dude came in with a LEGIT horseshoe moustache (almost Hulk Hoganesque) and I think I've seen him two or three times before so I was appreciating the mo'effort.

He puts his hand to his head in greeting and announces, "Ola!" before asking for some Canadian Classic something. Silver small regular, maybe. He caught me by surprise AND I was organizing the cash drawer AND my brain was firmly elsewhere.

I smiled because he was so upbeat, finished with the drawer, took a breath and asked, "Did you just salute me?"

"Yeah, cos you're hot."

"And did you just say, 'Ola'?"

"Yep," he nods.

"OK, just making sure." I was so gone in my mind that I basically wanted an instant replay. He clearly just wanted his cigarettes. "And what kind of cigarettes did you want?"

He trips over his words twice but finally gets it out. Some cigs orders are a mouthful; I know that. But he says, "I'm having such a hard time talking because I have this thing on my face and I know people are looking at it."

I had to laugh (at the honesty, the way he said it, and out of sympathy). "I actually really like it." (I was honest. I would have said it in March.)

"I look like an asshole."

"It's better than looking like a pervert.."

"Oh. I thought I looked like both."

"No. There are some pervy staches out there... You don't look like a pervert."

"Alright! Good Monday!" and he skips away.


Oh, Movember. There are more stories I could tell and I shudder to think what will happen as they, to quote my creepin friend, "only get bushier".

I did get the chance to apologize today.  It went better than hoped.
I was stocking when they came in, so we were able to talk without making other customers wait and without being overheard.  They wanted to wave the apology off; I knew what I had done came out of my Old Self and that guy just needs to be put to death.

It went really well.
And, I took a first step in trying to talk with a coworker about a supertouchy subject.  I can't say nothing but it's gonna be tough getting her to listen.

I gave a birthday gift and card to a coworker that I put a lot of time and effort into. It was better received than expected and that just about made my day. :) :)


I got nasty news on Monday and while I was still lost in processing/not-processing the newb (my bowling opponent) walked in. All the any kind of anything I had for him or going with him simply evaporated. It was weird. I didn't care anymore and felt there was nothing worth pursuing. Fortunately, our interaction was centred on the horrifying mo'stache the man had insisted on growing.


UGH. Those things.

I did something really awful today and I feel like confessing it to someone but I don't want to tell anyone!

This post is whiney.

I wish I could go to the people I offended right now to apologize and make amends but I actually have to wait. I don't deserve to not feel badly but I don't want to.

The one, tiny upside is that it led me to the epiphany that my workplace is just as FULL of temptation (to sin) as it is FULL of opportunity (to show Christ's love).

Epiph. Haven't had a brainexploding epiph like that in a while. Maybe I'm the last to notice. It just means it's imperative that I prepare myself before I get there and that I stop letting my guard down.


Sheesh. What a rough day.



It is not at times like this that I doubt God forgives all but that how vile I am prevents me from lifting my face off the floor.

Feels like the first night I've had off in a long time. Perhaps since last Tuesday? Whatever the case, this feels great.

Sitting by the fire lemon and ginger tea (fresh lemon and fresh ginger root sliced, in boiling water), watching "NCIS: LA" and half planning to do some work in a minute. Last several days I've had more impending deadlines than I'm comfortable with but... we made it. And the one assignment's deadline was actually two weeks later than I thought -- AMAZING. I like the feeling of pieces of pressure being lifted as I stroke things off the list.

Nothing happened today that could be repackaged into an interesting story or anecdote to share with a friend. I find this kinda fascinating on its own. [There might actually be one person I could tell about a cheeeeeesy joke I heard.] It was a good day but it's hard to describe.

A regular shocked me with his stony silence. Stared a hole through my head in the four seconds he looked at me. I wasn't scared or particularly intimidated but something close to it. I understood I needed to be efficient and silent. But I was a little downhearted to see him in such a foul mood. Seemed like he was about to snap (violently), hence my slight fear. There it is.


Watched my first ep of "Gilligan's Island" tonight. It's weird watching such a cornerstone program of the industry with so much background info and references to place. The show is acually funny! Gilligan is funny! I'd watch it again.

Well, it's Hallowe'eny-we'eny-we'eny.

I didn't wear a costume to work and didn't even think about wearing a costume because I assumed I wouldn't be allowed to wear it.  But then, I donno if I really would have been comfortable in it for that many hours.  My plastic six-inch purple skeleton earrings were enough.  Ha.  They were awesome.  I found them while rooting through boxes the last few weeks and finally turned them into earrings as I had originally planned several years ago.  They are so gimpus and magical.  I liked them.

I've never had so many compliments about the same set of earrings in one day.. It was cool.  People like dress-up and fun - it's true.  The people who knew me the best had the most sincere comments and highest praise.  It was funny.  hahahaahha I wish I could remember enough of them distinctly to describe them because they were just funny.  I think it was my across-the-road super-funny friend who said they were "fantastic" or something and then laughed a moment after when he really took it in.  It was funny.  I guess....I guess the people who knew me better appreciated them more because they were able to discern that the earrings suited me more.  Makes sense.

Good times.

This is the first time I've been in a house that was handing out kandy to kiddies.  I haven't handed any out and I haven't opened the door for anyone...probably won't because I'm intimidated by children!!

Intimidated.


Three different people told me they were dressed up as someone in the profession they actually had..construction worker, car salesman and mechanic.  The second one I asked where his costume was as my opening sentence after "good morning".  He puts his arms out indignantly (the classic, "am I not good enough for you??" throwing wide of arms) and says, "I'm dressed as a car salesman!"  Duh!
Hahaha, I chuckle.  "And every other day you are....?"
"I'm just a regular guy."
"Oh," I nod. Duh.

He's pretty fun.  Today was our second bowling alley date, just about.  For all the time we spend "talking" we don't talk that much due to excessive grinning.  I liked his tie a lot, but I am glad I didn't tell him.


The guy who I laughed at for not winning the lottery a hundred times and for cussing about it was in today with two random scratch tickets (one whose prize needed to be claimed by today or it would expire).  The first ticket was bunk, as expected (he has perfected the art of keeping his hopes down, it seems) but the second yielded a five-dollar prize.After all my banter, trying to get him to loosen up and laugh in the situation along with me, I blurted, "It's a Hallowe'en miracle!" when I saw that he'd won.  That finally earned me a smirk.  I wish someone else had said that to me because it's a really funny line and I wanted to laugh at it.  As I was cashing him out, I asked if he wanted to keep the OLG receipt showing the five dollars (about 98% of lotto players don't keep those) to prove that he was a winner.  I was pretty pleased with myself for finding that narrow, narrow lane in which this guy will let me make fun of him.  (Turns out that part of the key is speaking more loudly.)  He said no.  "You already know you're a winner?"
He nods slightly: "that's why I get up every morning."

I donno.  It was just funny.

Scanned my first URL the other day. Epic.

A. Tuesday was full of things. Around 7.30am someone jokingly ("jokingly") suggested fellatio to me... It caught me mostly off-guard but not too much (based on history with this person). I dismissed it diplomatically... not much to say.

Stuck in my head the rest of the day, though. Just unexpected and intense. Anyways.

B. Also on Tuesday a baseball rivalry with a regular intensified further than expected. He did not say more than two words to me when I first started -- IF he said any thing at all. It was never particularly rude but I always felt a bit annoyed cos it was like I was wasting opportunity after opportunity to build a relationship. Baseball got him to open up and that used to be all we had to connect with. But if there was no score or big story to discuss I was pretty much empty-handed. I often forgot to check on his team so I'd have something to mock.

If I'm honest, I appreciate that he has become friendlier in the past two weeks (for a reason I cannot peg) and that we're no longer restricted to baseball as a topic of conversation. However, continuing to be honest, I am a bit concerned that he seems to think I have a crush on him.  

Anyways, Tuesday I say I am annoyed with the results of last night's game and he jumps in with all the mean smugness of an older brother: "Awwwww, you didn't like thaaaat??" It's a perfect mock-caring tone...taunting. It was REALLY funny. Afterward we talked a bit about the specifics of the game (which I love cos I can learn from him) and then he cockily predicts a win Wednesday to end it all. He's so funny (peculiar AND drôle). Ha.

LIKE a good rivalry and wish I had an idea for a friendly wager to suggest.

C. Around 2pm my boss wanted help mounting a display rack. I looked at the pieces, the (SO STUPID) instructions, the tools and the shelf where it should go and decided this was gonna suck. Like, the instructions expect someone to stand on a tiny ladder and lean their body weight onto someone else while they insert the screws...with a screwdriver into plywood. Really. Tried a few things, made 80 suggestions and finally decided we just needed a taller ladder, so the one person could lean into the screwdriver OR a drill so you could stand on your own and insert the screws without needing to lean in. 

I scan the shop hopeful of finding someone with handy expertise that would give me credibility (I knew I was right) or someone with proper tools with them. The centre section of a Venn diagram showing the overlap of "people I know enough to ask a favor of" and "people with tools with them and ten minutes to spare" is pretty slim. But, lo and behold, near the end of the Tim Hortons line is someone I've known for months but recently strengthened my rapport with and who is a handyman. Whether he has a drill with him and is willing to lend it to strangers is another story. I stride over, hopeful. I open with, "OK, I take back every mean thing I ever said about you and I was wondering if you had a drill we could borrow."

Soaks it up pretty quickly, says yes and asks what kind of drill bit we need. He is half-rolling his eyes and smirking the whole time (because I have a history of smacktalking and now I want a favor...) but seems to be kinda pleased with being put in the position to use his skills to help someone in need. I explain what we're tasked with and point to the shelf so he can decide what drill bit to use. "Yeah, I can do it. Just gimme two seconds." I walk back behind the counter happily and resume serving customers. 
 
It gets busy but I am able to overhear him vindicate me to my boss, and to observe the swift craftsmanship. Even now...... even now as I'm blogging - loving writing, enjoying telling stories - I'm a little overwhelmed. Like... I literally don't know his name or much about him cept what he smokes, how he takes his tea (this is where I mock him) and that he's from a big family. Couple weeks ago I heard the tea order - extra-large steeped tea; three sugar, two cream - and when he came for his smokes I asked how exactly he took his tea. 

"Three sugar, two cream. And I like a bit of tea in there as well." 

"Do you get mocked for that a lot?" (He had beaten me to a quip!)

"Look at the size of me. Do I look like I get made fun of?" Total deadpan. "Do I look like I can take a joke?"

"Yeah, after I said it I thought, 'No one's gonna mess with this guy'."

(Nodding, finishing with the debit pinpad.)

"But I can make fun of you, right? Cos you'd never hit me."

"Yup. Never hit a woman."

"Perfect."

"And, I like you. And you've seen me smile so..."

He has to leave but I make sure he knows what he just gave permission for and say that I will henceforth be merciless.

Some day following, while he's pinpadding again:
"So, do you take a nap after you drink your hot milk or...do you go back to work?"

"What?"

"Do you take a nap after your hot milk or do you go back to work?"

Legitimately confused, almost indignant, "What hot milk? What?"

"Your .... 'tea'." Tea is in big air-quotes and my body language & tone are 100% sold out to showing sarcastic condescension.

The smirkingest smirk weaves onto his face, trying to burst off into a smile then a laugh, and he mutters only, "Smartass," before he's gone. 

I just... I donno. I don't know how any of this happens/-ed. I don't get why I stranger would go to his truck, drag his tools in, do some free labor while being unnerved by my boss (who I KNOW he's not fond of) in the middle of his work day, and then leave quietly just because he was asked. He did a perfect job; the thing looks smashing. And because I was busy I could only yell a brash "thank you" as he slipped away.

I feel very humbled. And then again, maybe he'd do it for any one who asked! Doesn't matter. Good day.

It has definitely been a left-handed weekend.

Tuesday was an intense day in terms of customer interaction. I donno how these things can coincidentishly pile up in one shift but they can.

I was called "beautiful", "my love" and "the good-looking one" by three different people and was shocked by each (less by the second one). I hear these things and in my heart I am wondering who they are talking to. I actually get really confused about who I am and wonder what might be wrong with my eyeballs that I don't see what they do.

(1) This guy I would consider a friend or maybe an acquaintance. He comes in often, staying with coffee and a paper, and we speak at length about many interesting things. Qqf I treat him like a juke box: just pop in a nickel (ask, "So what's the story today?"), and he'll talk (read: expound) as long as I let him. He is great fun and I have a soft spot in my heart for him. I see a lot of pain and sadness with him and if it wasn't incredibly inappropriate I'd try to get into his life more and see what's up.

>He made the comment after I briefly expressed frustration at the customer who'd just left -- who happens to really have the hots for me (and blindly thinks he can win me over...). I was annoyed that he'd been rude and short with me over something out of my control. He seemed to turn jekyll in an instant. My friendquaintance - who has recently been briefed on the hots-having situation, AND WHO ANNOYS ME with his ability to see through my being full of crap - says to my complaint, "You are very beautiful girl so you have to be careful with men."

My brain skipped a beat. I was so deadshocked to hear THAT SENTENCE come out of THIS PERSON'S mouth. He treats me like he doesn't see me at all (which I really like). And then this weirdness.

(2) This newby looked like he had a crush on me from Day One. I didn't mind cos a) I hadn't done anything to provoke him and b) he wasn't being agressive or lewd. The last time I saw him, he had come back into the store without making it to the car he'd just gassed up, claiming that he was, "so distracted," that he'd forgotten to pick up some drinks. The conversation that followed sounded like the silly patter of a first date -- at a bowling alley. The conversation was abnormally prolonged due to a technical failure. It was fun and ZERO pressure. Seriously. Bowling alley. On the heels of that interaction I didn't know what he'd say when next we met but I was expecting him to be more forward.

>He made the comment as soon as he entered the shop. "Hello, my love," he says loudly two steps in the door and with all manner of endearing sweetness and gentleness. Not sure how to describe the smile I returned but I didn't think about it; my face instinctively expressed, "I am glad to see you, too."

(3) This guy I've been serving for months but only recently figured out his cigarettes (making him about 97th on the list) and that was the point at which he decided I was not a kiosk, robot or self-serve terminal. He was VERY surprised to see me pull his smokes out before he could ask for them because he doesn't really remember me. Probably served him four times since then, no big convos at all.

>He made the comment when my boss answered the "how are you?" he'd posed when neither my boss nor I was facing him. "Gooood, good," my boss says, and I clam up, feeling an idiot for starting to answer when I wasn't being addressed. The customer says with unabashed mock-rudeness, "I wasn't talking to you, I was talking to the good-looking one." Ha, ha, ha. They both laugh. I disappear into a small crack in the wall.

triet XXXVIII

(1) Going 19 days without my own 3G network has made me forget all the things this phone can do. Thanks for the rap on the knuckles, Holy Spirit who knows what's best for me. Now, I forget to check my email and I am not glued to my phone and it's SO GOOD. (Also, of course, I appreciate the luxury so much more.)

(2) All the half-read and unread magazines I've come across in my box-sorting escapades of late either have a man or food on the cover.(I believe there are three cooking-ish mags.)
Johnny Depp
Leonardo DiCaprio
Brad Pitt
EMINEM
Brad Pitt, George Clooney and Matt Damon (Ocean's 11 interview)
Will Smith
Derek Jeter
Jim Carrey
...can't remember any others but I have noticed a trend. 
Walking into Shopper's Drug Mart a minute ago and seeing a whole rack of magazines for women, thinking they were all dumb (cos I'm judgmental like that), the theme of the mags that DO appeal to me came together.

(3) Today felt like the first truly successful shutdown of someone at work who consistently makes nasty sexual comments to me. I feel I could have done and could be doing better with this BUT it's progress so I'll take it.

Just found a "testimony" I wrote on 20/09/02 (two years before actual salvation). Really an unpleasant read. I totally didn't get it. On the bright side, it re-convinced me that something actually happened... He really did make me a new creation. I really was different. Wow.

Still such a work in progress.

The older stuff turns my stomach. (The box I'm working on now contains faith- and religion-related stuff. Yes, religion. I couldn't tell the difference nine years ago.) The new crate is 2/3 the size of the old box (containing NO conventionally religious stuff) and the only thing not yet sorted is a binder of hole-punched random things.

The first item was the aforementioned "testimony" (that knew NOTHING of grace or sin) and a few more pre-conversion things that were pitched. I set the binder down when I found the PROPER testimony, typewritten and maliciously edited with pen and pencil. It's the freshest account I have of what happened eight years and three weeks ago. Like putting down a book during an exciting scene, I'm now sure to go back to it.
Looking forward to reading something REAL and truthfilled after my own religious drivel and one particularly terrible Catholic tract that DOESN'T mention Christ's resurrection. The booklet was about the cross... "Every man's way of the Cross", perhaps it was called and out of fourteen steps, we never get past our horribleness, the tragedy of our daily lives and that Christ died arrogantly. It offers no hope or even a conclusion. It's all weirdly pulled out of someone's bum.

Using His name and His general facts but knowing NOTHING about Him. What a waste. So glad to toss it.

bullet points and wow

•Today one of my most regular regulars came in early in the morning (between 8 amd 9). He never checks his mood at the door and he's just unpredictable enough that I've learned to ALWAYS let him call the shots. Can be very hot-and-cold. But since I resolved to let go a few months ago, it's all been water off a duck's back. It's either retained as positive or discarded.

"Good morning!" I chime happily and wait, hands folded.

He's unfolding a yellow strip of paper and I'm moving toward the lottery terminal. He begins smirking and then smiling (he doesn't smile that much...pro with deadpan) as he says, "It would be great to see you have a big smile as you run this through and tell me I'm a winner."

I'm straightening out the sheet and checking for his John Hancock. I am also wincing and stifling laughter and he knows why. Couple weeks ago, when his ticket didn't win, he exclaimed, "F***in' nothing??!" in a perfect you-must-be-kidding tone (like the one for a parking ticket you might have escaped being thirty seconds quicker). I burst out laughing because he was so earnestly disappointed and almost disgusted. And I have a weakness for well-timed F-bombs. At my laughter the trace of anger building in him (he can be a very angry -SILENT angry - guy) was diffused and he smirked in amusement that only made me laugh more.

I reminded him there were no guarantees and he explained how he had expected to at LEAST win a free play, what with all the birthday tickets. (Just figured fate would smile for his special day.) He walked away still a bit annoyed but less upset than I think he would have been had I not prompted him to laugh at himself.

The next week when he brought me a ticket I didn't say anything as I ran it through but when it came up empty, unfortunately I giggled. He asked what was so funny and I reminded him of last time and how he swore and how funny it was... It registers and that same self-amused smile appears. "I was just teasing you," he says, clearly enjoying that I still think he's funny a week later.

Today he needed no reminding. He preempted me smirkfully because now it's a running joke. I was afraid to present him with a losing ticket because I am often shot, as the messenger. With the birthday ticket, he kinda stared at me like I was playing a mean joke. Without real fear - I was basically acting - I winced and cowered away from his impending wrath (which he found VERY funny).

When the terminal emitted its familiar "no prize" refrain, I didn't even make eye-contact as I said, "Oh," unsuccessfully suppressing my ridiculous grin. It's downright funny, this "can't catch a break" bit.

I apologized (for whatever reason) and he says lightly, "It's OK - I still love you, Jesskah."

I can't make my face pretend I wasn't surprised...but I do express mock relief with something like, "Oh, good," even though he's at Tims now. "Unconditionally?" I ask, to show I got his point.

"Yeah," he nods, narry a WISP of a smile left (his normal disposition). "That's the only kind of love there is," he adds philosophically like this is the first time he's worked it out. I agree with a nod and simple words. (Again- I don't do cross-room conversation. If he was still at my counter I would have added something useful.) "If it has conditions, it's not love." Who is this guy??, I'm asking myself. Does he know the Author of unconditional love? This is all very interesting.

bullet points and newness

•The other day I made a short list of things to ask a few of my regulars, the ones that I have both a good rapport with and that I could come up with legit questions to ask. (By "legit" I mean sincere, appropriate and with good purpose.)

One of the questions on the list I neglected to ask because a good opp did not present itself and because it became clear I needed a different question. That's OK. He's a supplier I see twice a week so there's time to find something else.

Another of the questions was super easy to bring and the opp came as perfectly as hoped (another supplier I see each Thursday). We don't chat much cos we're both working though we do exchange some pleasant conversation. Last week, he was leaving after I'd paid him but I'd had to jump back on till RIGHT right away. He seemed to appreciate me remembering he prefers big bills, as he'd told me the week before.

"Thanks, Jesskah," he calls putting the money away, and he sounds like I've done more than my job - more than I do every week.

"No problem," I reply (because it isn't!).

"Have a good weekend." His psuedo-formulaic closing greeting.

"Yeah, you, too!" I throw back, still unable to make eye-contact for the long queue before me.

"See you next week," he adds with a tone he's never used before. The sentence should have been declarative (and off-hand, really), but at the very end there was the slightest elevation. He wanted to know if he would see me next week. I was so flattered. (I'm the lesser of two evils!)

I have consistently felt like I ignore him too much or use too many pleasantries, as if he's not worth my time. And honestly, I am more careful to be attentive and kind with him because my employers do not treat him well and I can see how much he dislikes it. I see with 90% of the suppliers the utter dread and displeasure at dealing with my two employers. I guess I'm trying to counterbalance them, or something.
Additionally, he is a sweetheart and always takes the time to greet me proplerly so...it's no real burden.


So, since last week I've had in the back of my mind that the way I treat him has made a positive impact. It means I now have an opportunity to show MORE kindness, because he will let me in. It potentially means the opportunity to engage more deeply and to gain his trust. First step - as it's been with a handful of others that I've made good connections with - is to treat him as if he has inherent value.

On my list? "Red Bull rep: name?"

After I signed the invoice and forked over a fifties-heavy wad of cash, I said (feeling like I was on the end of a diving board because this intovert had not pre-planned the construction of the question...but I love swimming), resolved to just ask, "I decided that it's terrible that we call you, 'the Red Bull guy'." I paused to see if my inquiry was well implied. He turned back from his pocket and said with his big smile, "It's P___."

"P___," I repeat, doing my best to stitch together a person I know with a name I've never given them. (You might be surprised by how tough that is. I've done it several times.)

"Yeah. It's only been eight months." Thinking he's just rightly called me out, I nod without words and wait for a pause where I can apologize. He continues, "To them I'll always be the Red Bull guy cos I just bring the Red Bull." I realize it's not my employment period of eight months that he's referring to, but his.

Even now I'm not sure if some of his frustration is aimed at me... I poorly explained that he is a person so I should know his name. It seemed he wasn't having the best day in the universe... I can't really read him. But if appropriate, I will apologize next week because I actually have no excuse.

He walks away saying, "Yep. Today I'm 'the Red Bull guy' but every other day I'm P___." Dang. I just twigged to what he meant. He means all his other retailers know him by name. :(

Well. If I need to, I will apologize next Thursday. And apology or no, I will be addressing him by name forevermore.