From another email I wrote:
This is something else that I found fascinating (more so, the more I wrote) and encouraging in a way.
"Guilt and conviction are both motivators for improvement, right? Guilt incites us to act so we will not feel bad, while conviction incites us to act so we will do what is right. One is much more selfish I think (it's about us not having something hanging over our head and less about the actual behavior) and based on feelings while the other is likely to make us feel worse initially when we yield (and [feel] amazing, shortly after, of course) and is based more on character or morals. Here's an example from my life-o. I watched a video created by PETA [People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals] that contained much jarring footage, designed to make the consumer aware of how their food is prepared. I saw piglets held to the floor by [their neck under] someone's boot while they were shot in the skull with a bolt gun; I saw another animal (prolly a pig or chicken) being swung by its legs, slammed into the floor for some unknown reason [(a cost-efficient death)]; I saw chickens de-beaked (but was told later that this is actually a painless process); I saw the chickens that never left captivity (the perhaps 2x2' cage with several other birds in), I saw their brogen legs that could not support overfed abdomens; I saw a duck's neck being pushed onto a long tube to force-feed it until the liver was big enough (three times the normal size) to be fois gras; I saw a skin-and-bones, bruised, crippled cow wobble and stumble onto a truck for slaughter and I saw pigs suspended by a leg having their throats slit (and the ensuing struggle) and their screams honestly sounded like a child's. The first thing I thought when it was over was that I could never buy or cook animal products for other people. Especially for my brother, that is something I would on-and-off do. It's my heart, my ministry ... so normally I do my best to avoid animal stuff but give in if it will work for someone else. But here, after this video, nonononono, I would NOT be able to support the industry in any way. That weekend, in fact, I bought my brother organic milk and free-run eggs for the first (and last time). I told a couple of people about that video (not [to preach] but it was what I centred my "how was your weekend?"answers around). Eventually, however, I discovered that my will was weak. Feeding people is [what I do], so being restricted in that is a bit saddening or frustrating. Eventually, within a month, I [resumed] buying pizzas or chocolates for whatever reason thinking, "I care more about how I treat this person than I do about my convictions." Something I discovered while discussing the video and my new resolutions with [a friend] was that conviction, like vision, needs no convincing. If it is what you stand for, there is no WAY you will waver. If it is guilt or just mental assent, then you will struggle with it always (and perhaps cheat a bit) and be forced to recall graphic images or whatever to remind yourself why you are doing what you are doing. This was a good lesson, methinks."
[email recipient, again, let me know]
Saturday, 14 January 2006
an excerpt (2)
Exerpts from an email I wrote:
"Although it is right to pray with God's will, that does not mean we can only pray if we know what God's will is. If you are not getting a clear answer about something or if a situation is not changing before your eyes, that doesnot mean your prayers are incorrect, too short or insincere. It means that God is sovereign.
"How is it better to neglect the most important person in your life than to drop the things that feel more pressing? This is just like tithing, I think. You can either give back to God 10% of what He gave you and have 90% of your resources blessed, or you can keep all 100% and have it all cursed. It is such a harsh reality and I meet it way too many times. We somehow think that we can make good with what He gives us (waving Him off - as if He's a pesky mother - with our careless hand, back turned) as we furiously try to work a mass of Popsicle sticks and glue into a sturdy cabin so we can turn and proudly display the crooked, dripping creation. I do this all the time. I try to perfect my family life, or my ministry without actually consulting God so I can say, "Look what I did!!" and get His approval. Making us co-heirs with Christ is probably the best approval we'll ever get and it is complete and irrevokable. Yet still, it is as if I wish to EARN His favor ([a concept] not too different from trying to earn salvaition). This is almost like refusing grace. Wow.. that's yea. We almost think, 'God, you just don't understand! My professor's going to kill me if I don't finish this such&such..' as if He didn't create the professor, the such&such and our entire lives."
I posted these two things because they carried a sort of mild rebuke for me as they appeared on my screen, the second more than the first. I have a terrible habit of trying to separate areas of my life: "Things I Trust God Completely For", "Things God & I work on Together" and "Things I do and Hope God is OK With". I am not entirely sure what percentage of my life each category holds, but I know that the third one should not exist. I just tried to do it a minute ago, thinking about quaternary studies (or post-post-secondary or post-tertiary).
[email recipient, if you do not like this post, let me know]
"Although it is right to pray with God's will, that does not mean we can only pray if we know what God's will is. If you are not getting a clear answer about something or if a situation is not changing before your eyes, that doesnot mean your prayers are incorrect, too short or insincere. It means that God is sovereign.
"How is it better to neglect the most important person in your life than to drop the things that feel more pressing? This is just like tithing, I think. You can either give back to God 10% of what He gave you and have 90% of your resources blessed, or you can keep all 100% and have it all cursed. It is such a harsh reality and I meet it way too many times. We somehow think that we can make good with what He gives us (waving Him off - as if He's a pesky mother - with our careless hand, back turned) as we furiously try to work a mass of Popsicle sticks and glue into a sturdy cabin so we can turn and proudly display the crooked, dripping creation. I do this all the time. I try to perfect my family life, or my ministry without actually consulting God so I can say, "Look what I did!!" and get His approval. Making us co-heirs with Christ is probably the best approval we'll ever get and it is complete and irrevokable. Yet still, it is as if I wish to EARN His favor ([a concept] not too different from trying to earn salvaition). This is almost like refusing grace. Wow.. that's yea. We almost think, 'God, you just don't understand! My professor's going to kill me if I don't finish this such&such..' as if He didn't create the professor, the such&such and our entire lives."
I posted these two things because they carried a sort of mild rebuke for me as they appeared on my screen, the second more than the first. I have a terrible habit of trying to separate areas of my life: "Things I Trust God Completely For", "Things God & I work on Together" and "Things I do and Hope God is OK With". I am not entirely sure what percentage of my life each category holds, but I know that the third one should not exist. I just tried to do it a minute ago, thinking about quaternary studies (or post-post-secondary or post-tertiary).
[email recipient, if you do not like this post, let me know]
an antitdote
For those moments in which you are considering whom to be loyal to remember: Satan didn't die for you.
Friday, 13 January 2006
music
God-music has a strange way of drawing me into euphoria. I do not even know how to explain it. It is moments like these (I have headphones on at present) that make me think I should invest more money in discs that make me say, "OK, OK, God, You are more magnificent than I could ever understand or be worthy of." Then again, should a plastic circle and electricity be necessary for me to feel that way? One thought I have to counter that is that music speaks more to me than it does to others given my natural bent and skills.
The feeling is almost like that rendered when flying. There is much freedom and an overwhelming sense that anything is possible.
All this from consonance and creativity.
The feeling is almost like that rendered when flying. There is much freedom and an overwhelming sense that anything is possible.
All this from consonance and creativity.
my random jumble
I had such a great day to-day that I don't even want to write the details of it because that would probably destroy the majesty. Let's just put it this way: I have been blessed so immensely by God that I do not even know what to do. For my morning, the only downfall was that I did not put enough granola in my breakfast. Ahh, how lovely.
The afternoon was great, too. I had a nice French class (the T.A. is lovely) I mailed some letters, bought a book and some other stationary supplies I needed and wow, it makes me feel awesome. It has a sort of cleansing effect, running errands and having a productive day.
What else? I had a great time with my discipler this afternoon and I think some of the stuff she told me will help me to be a better leader. I wonder about Campus Crusade for Christ sometimes, I seriously do. What can I say? I feel like I do not do enough. In fact, I have almost never felt like I do enough there. This deserves more p/thought.
--
Here is a quote from my dear, wheaty friend, said in a hurried, excited tone with giggles interjected:
"Hey, you wanna hear someting else funny? Well, it's not really that funny--and I forgot what I was going to say so nevermind!"
(All of that was said in less than four seconds flat.)
--
I have never thought much of the stars,
Not as a little girl wishing for princesshood,
Nor as a teenager pining my problems into oblivion.
I have had several deep, close conversations with a man
About life, God and music... and the friendship flourished.
When the crunching of frosted grass underfoot stopped and
Two "wow"s silently escaped our mouths as foggy billows, I saw.
The tiny blue twinklers, the reflective white orb and the gaping blackness as the romantic cliche I had never liked or understood and now I cannot look at the sky the same way again.
The afternoon was great, too. I had a nice French class (the T.A. is lovely) I mailed some letters, bought a book and some other stationary supplies I needed and wow, it makes me feel awesome. It has a sort of cleansing effect, running errands and having a productive day.
What else? I had a great time with my discipler this afternoon and I think some of the stuff she told me will help me to be a better leader. I wonder about Campus Crusade for Christ sometimes, I seriously do. What can I say? I feel like I do not do enough. In fact, I have almost never felt like I do enough there. This deserves more p/thought.
--
Here is a quote from my dear, wheaty friend, said in a hurried, excited tone with giggles interjected:
"Hey, you wanna hear someting else funny? Well, it's not really that funny--and I forgot what I was going to say so nevermind!"
(All of that was said in less than four seconds flat.)
--
I have never thought much of the stars,
Not as a little girl wishing for princesshood,
Nor as a teenager pining my problems into oblivion.
I have had several deep, close conversations with a man
About life, God and music... and the friendship flourished.
When the crunching of frosted grass underfoot stopped and
Two "wow"s silently escaped our mouths as foggy billows, I saw.
The tiny blue twinklers, the reflective white orb and the gaping blackness as the romantic cliche I had never liked or understood and now I cannot look at the sky the same way again.
Tuesday, 10 January 2006
Monday, 9 January 2006
"The Delicate Balance"
Thought of yester eve: God hates sin but He loves man. I need to model that. This is what I see in the John 4 story about the woman at the well, and this is good clarification. I wonder how God keeps us accountable to our sin if He hates it and loves us. It's not like sins occur and attach themselves to men. (see James 1:14) Anyways, my real epiphany was this: the delicate balance of these two truths is the cause and the expression of the Cross.
05/01/06:)
05/01/06:)
Thursday, 5 January 2006
The Colbert Report (2)
To-night, Colbert said (with quite irrelevant context), "I don't like intellectuals; I can't trust'em."
I turned on the television to catch a little less than half of The Colbert Report this evening and he was interviewing a guy named Dermot Mulroney about The Family Stone. Once they get on the subject, Colbert says, "I've heard about this movie. Tell me about it, coz there's no way in hell I'm gonna see it." Ahhhh... Colbert, how I love thee.
While they're talking about something like smoking marijuana or whatever, there is a pause and then Colbert says,
Colbert: On a related question ... [audience laughs] ... you play the cello?
Mulroney: What's it to ya?
[extended audience laugh]
Colbert: Well... I just wanna know: is that some kind of fall-back if acting doesn't work out?
Mulroney: No.
Colbert: Does cello-playing pay better than acting?
Mulroney: No, not really.
Colbert: OK, put the cellos aside for a second. Just stop talking about the cellos for a moment.
Mulroney: I'll try!
Colbert: In a bare-knuckle street fight, could you take Yo Yo Ma?
Mulroney: Well, he left a multi-million-dollar Stradavarius cello in a New York taxi cab so I think I can take him.
Colbert: ... he's easily distracted.
Mulroney: Yea. [beat] and I think he's an intellectual.
I turned on the television to catch a little less than half of The Colbert Report this evening and he was interviewing a guy named Dermot Mulroney about The Family Stone. Once they get on the subject, Colbert says, "I've heard about this movie. Tell me about it, coz there's no way in hell I'm gonna see it." Ahhhh... Colbert, how I love thee.
While they're talking about something like smoking marijuana or whatever, there is a pause and then Colbert says,
Colbert: On a related question ... [audience laughs] ... you play the cello?
Mulroney: What's it to ya?
[extended audience laugh]
Colbert: Well... I just wanna know: is that some kind of fall-back if acting doesn't work out?
Mulroney: No.
Colbert: Does cello-playing pay better than acting?
Mulroney: No, not really.
Colbert: OK, put the cellos aside for a second. Just stop talking about the cellos for a moment.
Mulroney: I'll try!
Colbert: In a bare-knuckle street fight, could you take Yo Yo Ma?
Mulroney: Well, he left a multi-million-dollar Stradavarius cello in a New York taxi cab so I think I can take him.
Colbert: ... he's easily distracted.
Mulroney: Yea. [beat] and I think he's an intellectual.
Wednesday, 4 January 2006
The Colbert Report
To-day's episode was actually a re-run from last December (as was yesterday's) and, I'm not gonna lie, I am a bit disappointed about that. Fortunately, I had not already seen this episode and I hope the same goes for the rest of the week's. Here are a few lines that I thought worth repeating:
--[Talking to a country that offered to donate oil to the U.S.]:
"The point is, we don't need your help -- especially those of us who need help."
--Colbert seems to enjoy introducing segments for his show that seem to be regular/recurrent things but actually only fit into the context of each show and never make a second appearance. This segment was called "Threat Down" and, though it did not seem like the first time he had done this segment, the hilarity of its randomness survives. The silver computer-generated spinning number to his left appeared on the screen and it was a seven. Colbert stops and says, "We have seven threats to-night? Usually we have six but... well, that's a threat to America right there. Number Eight: too many threats on the countdown." One of the actual threats was "wasps." He explains...
"Nation: wasps are just bees that are too lazy to make honey."
--Colbert has been into this whole "put the Jesus back in Christmas" campaign for most of the episodes I have seen (since I have only started watching his show this December) and it has been mostly EXTREMELY hilarious. He is being the LEAST politically correct person since forever and it is somewhat relieveing/refreshing because he dares to crush the eggshells into a fine powder. It's grand. These were his parting words to the audience:
"[If you want something to put on] eggnog, it's nutmeg. Cinnamon makes the angels weep."
--While on the subject, I'll tell you that yesterday's episode included Colbert's recommendation of The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe as a good family film to watch over the holidays. He said...
"This movie's been labelled a Christian allegory because Aslan the lion sacrifices his life on a hilltop to save mankind and, through a miraculous act of love, rises from the grave to defeat death. [beat] Sorry: doesn't work as an allegory. [beat] Last time I checked, Jesus wasn't a lion."
--Directly before the commercial break he says, "Don't touch that dial ... and if your TV has a dial, go get a new TV."
--[Talking to a country that offered to donate oil to the U.S.]:
"The point is, we don't need your help -- especially those of us who need help."
--Colbert seems to enjoy introducing segments for his show that seem to be regular/recurrent things but actually only fit into the context of each show and never make a second appearance. This segment was called "Threat Down" and, though it did not seem like the first time he had done this segment, the hilarity of its randomness survives. The silver computer-generated spinning number to his left appeared on the screen and it was a seven. Colbert stops and says, "We have seven threats to-night? Usually we have six but... well, that's a threat to America right there. Number Eight: too many threats on the countdown." One of the actual threats was "wasps." He explains...
"Nation: wasps are just bees that are too lazy to make honey."
--Colbert has been into this whole "put the Jesus back in Christmas" campaign for most of the episodes I have seen (since I have only started watching his show this December) and it has been mostly EXTREMELY hilarious. He is being the LEAST politically correct person since forever and it is somewhat relieveing/refreshing because he dares to crush the eggshells into a fine powder. It's grand. These were his parting words to the audience:
"[If you want something to put on] eggnog, it's nutmeg. Cinnamon makes the angels weep."
--While on the subject, I'll tell you that yesterday's episode included Colbert's recommendation of The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe as a good family film to watch over the holidays. He said...
"This movie's been labelled a Christian allegory because Aslan the lion sacrifices his life on a hilltop to save mankind and, through a miraculous act of love, rises from the grave to defeat death. [beat] Sorry: doesn't work as an allegory. [beat] Last time I checked, Jesus wasn't a lion."
--Directly before the commercial break he says, "Don't touch that dial ... and if your TV has a dial, go get a new TV."
Sunday, 1 January 2006
Winter Conference
Regularity in my life is overdue right now and I feel like an abused candle (because of the burning out action). I returned to Guelph about one hour ago in a permanent sort of "end of holidays" way and it feels pretty good. It mostly feels good because I no longer need to live out of a suitcase or use someone else's towels. Amen.
Alright, I attended - for the first time since ever - the Eastern Winter Conference for all five days. It has been an interesting and surprizingly bumpy journey. In the weeks immediately preceding WC (like one or two), I discovered that financial needs would supercede the Montreal Project reunion as my major preoccupation for the event. This was a welcome phenomenon to me because I do not want to hype up seeing people again (it is not cool and it is distracting from more important things). The money arrived in a gloriously God-honoring plus lovely way and I went to register for the conference hoping I would see no one from project until after I had registered, unpacked and rested. I actually wanted to avoid these people for a good while, thinking I ought to take some time to sturdy myself for the imminent days of learning and challenging, etc. It's difficult to explain how that turned out so I will move on. When I saw HiuKei (my oh-so-lovely and oh-so-Japanese-but-not-really housemate from the summer) I was hooked, I think. She is a prize and a gem. When we spotted eachother it was nearing the end of our first Campus Times session. McGill had finished but Guelph was still 1 or 2 minutes away from completion. HiuKei and I looked at eachother, smiling madly while I waited for our Key Student Leader to finish so I could run over to her. It was quite funny, actually. Sometimes, even that short time between seeing someone you miss and actually embracing them can be over-hyped and you end up faking excitement. In this case however, we had a chance to think about it and actually remember how much we missed one another. I was like a bad kindergarten kid, fidgeting on the carpet, waiting. I had a very lovely mclovely time with all of the people from Montreal Project that I hung out with. But here is my realization about my actions that made me want to write all of this down, taken from my prayer-ish account to God...
"... I realized some things about Guelph, Montreal and how I spent my time. Yes it is important to build relationships with Christians and yes, this is a great place to do it. However, people from Montreal Project are tightly bonded at the moment but Guelph's campus is part of a movement. Unfortunately, it seems I need to invest more in my relationships at Guelph - actively - because that is what I am working on now."
I have been in the same situation for Summit and the Passion concert and have had a dilemma creeping under my skin both times. Finally it is out. I was wondering if I should feel guilty about where I spend my time but I refused to think or listen about it long enough to arrive at a solid conclusion. The present conclusion? Firstly, there is now no condemnation in Christ Jesus but secondly, I do need to spend my time more wisely and selflessly. With project members, I have a guarantee (perhaps at 95 or 100%) that I will have an enjoyable time because I already know them well and we know we miss one another and want to spend time together. However, with other people (sometimes including the close friendies), there is no guarantee so I impatiently access the option I am sure of, dooming the bad guarantee to an even lower percentage. [Is this too abstract?]
I lay on the floor of the Hilton Toronto's concourse level with seven other girls from Project and we were together. There's no better word for it. It was one of the most blissful, peaceful, relaxed moments of the entire conference and I shall cherish for a long time. It was amazing how comfortable we could be with eachother in terms of what we shared, how the conversation could change from profundity to shallowness whenever, how different conversations could spawn, and especially our body language, using one another as pillows. I might call it a miniscule glimpse into the fellowship department of Heaven. Several feet away from our cluster, Guelph students were sat in a circle, talking and eating pizza. It struck me, this very same mutinous traitor feeling that had been hacking at me for a while, and I finally gave in, realizing, "These people are getting better acquainted with their team members so that we can fight the good fight with people we know and love well. Here I sit amongst girls whom I have already fought some great battles with, knowing and loving them very well." I should have better priorities. I should learn to express myself more concisely. This is a long post. Guelph: I'm sorry. You are cool but Montreal is far too rare and tempting. :)
Here is another great thing that happened at Winter Conference 2005: I met a girl I attended high school with, who now attends McGill, and I was both overjoyed and overshocked to see her. As far as I can tell, we have not seen eachother since I became a Christian and since she started to compromise her beliefs. She was there with KCCC (the K stands for kaleidoscope or Korean) and she told me in the brief moments we had that she had been crying much these past two days (assumedly because of Holy Spirit convictions) citing her moving away from God as the reason. What can I say but "praise God!" to that? I prayed depuis longtemps that she would never be completely lost but that God would hold on to her and bring her back. Amen and thank You.
On New Year's Eve, some staff - almost like bouncers - of the Hilton Toronto wait by all entrances to check for keys and refuse anyone who is not a guest. My understanding is that one night at the Hilton Toronto will cost approximately $250. I would wager that not a one of us Conference members could - or even would - be able to afford to stay in the hotel for four nights. While walking around the hotel, I felt like I was there on somebody else's tab, and often like I was defiling the building with my lower-class self. There is nothing like an uppity hotel to make you realize how poor you are. Anyways, there were many people hovering around the doors who were not permitted entrance and I couldn't help but think I was cheating the system, or I had a fake I.D. or something else scandalous when the doorman would nod me in at first glance of my key. Each time I reached the other side of the inner door, I would breath a sigh of relief, loosen up and resist the urge to be smug or to gloat. It is absolutely remarkable how great man feels when he is allowed to be part of an elite group (elite by nature placing him above his peers) and I think we all know this feeling. Then I thought, "How amazing is the welcome we get from Jesus?" It finally hit me in that moment, the brilliance of our inheritance in Christ: we can gain entrance to the most elite of elite places (i.e. where God dwells) if we are in Jesus because God, a good father, welcomes His Son into His house. The feeling rendered when we are admitted without question ("Got the H-Spizzo? Come on in!") is beautifully undescribable and it is another paltry glimpse of Heaven's acceptance department. How many privaleges and perquisites does God give us (without even asking us to flash our key)? We even try to steal the shampoo, don't we?
My final comment on WC is about our talent show from Thursday, the 29th. Way too many people asked me if I was going to perform that it made me almost feel uncomfortable. I couldn't help but wonder why expectations were so high and why people think I have performance-ready material in my back pocket at ALL times. Anyways, I neglected to sign the list because I did not want to say I would perform and pull out at the last minute because that would only yield chanting and goading. When the "last" performer was on stage, another girl and I went to ask the MC if this was actually the last performer, knowing full well what she had said, hoping that an exception would be made. The other girl said yes, for sure, she would go and when the MC stood saying, "we were just kidding, there's one ... two? [holding two fingers up inquisitively, looking at me].. one more performer," I communicated my change of heart. Then, when that girl was almost finished her song, the MC asked again if I wanted to go up and finally I said "yes" knowing I regret not acting more than acting (even like an idiot) every time. I was not sure if I was going to sing a song or recite a poem. I did not want to go with the poem because I make a habit of never performing those twice but a song is far scarrier and would not have been entirely different from the rest of the acts like poetry would. I sat down at a pianoforte whose damper pedal was not working. That is the one thing that will make me refuse to play a piano, despite how much I utterly love the instrument. But now, sitting in a performer's spot with an expectant crowd, I was forced to work with what I had. I was surprized by the ease with which I spoke into the microphone to introduce the song and I could even pull a laugh or two from the crowd. Ha.. a few people were like calling my name before I even started talking. It's funny to me. I played and sang in a way that was satisfactory to me (the best I could ask for in performance) , likely under the influence of the knowledge that this was a voluntary and lax endeavor so I need not worry. That evening, a few people told me the liked what I had presented. One person - a friend of mine - said, "Some day you're gonna make me cry," and at first I thought it bizarre and somewhat cheesy, no kidding. The next day a few more random people told me the liked the song, most of them stopping me in the hall way or something and I still do not know any of their names. That day I realized the crying comment was actually a quite lovely compliment. I have long believed that a delayed compliment is best because it can attest to sincerety. That is, if you say, "Oh my goodness! That was so GO-ooood!!" the second the performer's foot leaves the stage, the substance of your compliment is all but void. It is too much of a formality; of an expected reaction, that it means little, especially when given in large doses. If, however, you were to write the performer an encouraging note and slip it into their pocket or mailbox that day or the next, they would know that you enjoyed the performance enough to take the time to write their thoughts and deliver them to you. The same applies to a verbal comment the next day or the next time you see them, even if that is one week later. After I finished the song, I was OK but I felt weird because the response of the crowd smacked of confusion. I just wanted to leave and I felt as torn down as I always do after a performance (except for one, lone instance) but I have come to recognize God's pattern of using something in the performance to humble me and then using the following days, weeks or months to slowly build me back up so I do not get a big head. Those next-day comments and the day-after-next-day comments build very well. On the third day, a girl from York U approached me and explained how she "just wanted to encourage" me. She said that there was an area of her personal life in which she had been begging for peace from God for the past four years. She explained how she felt she had "tried everything" and how she wanted to simply resign herself to trusting God to take care of this, and she hoped it would be during this conference. She started to cry a little as she explained how the song my grandfather wrote was used by God that she would be touched by the Spirit and finally have peace. Our God is an awesome God. She even says to me, "I don't know what made you want to go up there and perform that," as if it was obvious that I had no specific or pressing motives. Hmm, how interesting and blessed. Thanks, God!
Winter Conference was fun and I'd do it again if I thought it wise. We shall see, we shall see, we shall see.
Alright, I attended - for the first time since ever - the Eastern Winter Conference for all five days. It has been an interesting and surprizingly bumpy journey. In the weeks immediately preceding WC (like one or two), I discovered that financial needs would supercede the Montreal Project reunion as my major preoccupation for the event. This was a welcome phenomenon to me because I do not want to hype up seeing people again (it is not cool and it is distracting from more important things). The money arrived in a gloriously God-honoring plus lovely way and I went to register for the conference hoping I would see no one from project until after I had registered, unpacked and rested. I actually wanted to avoid these people for a good while, thinking I ought to take some time to sturdy myself for the imminent days of learning and challenging, etc. It's difficult to explain how that turned out so I will move on. When I saw HiuKei (my oh-so-lovely and oh-so-Japanese-but-not-really housemate from the summer) I was hooked, I think. She is a prize and a gem. When we spotted eachother it was nearing the end of our first Campus Times session. McGill had finished but Guelph was still 1 or 2 minutes away from completion. HiuKei and I looked at eachother, smiling madly while I waited for our Key Student Leader to finish so I could run over to her. It was quite funny, actually. Sometimes, even that short time between seeing someone you miss and actually embracing them can be over-hyped and you end up faking excitement. In this case however, we had a chance to think about it and actually remember how much we missed one another. I was like a bad kindergarten kid, fidgeting on the carpet, waiting. I had a very lovely mclovely time with all of the people from Montreal Project that I hung out with. But here is my realization about my actions that made me want to write all of this down, taken from my prayer-ish account to God...
"... I realized some things about Guelph, Montreal and how I spent my time. Yes it is important to build relationships with Christians and yes, this is a great place to do it. However, people from Montreal Project are tightly bonded at the moment but Guelph's campus is part of a movement. Unfortunately, it seems I need to invest more in my relationships at Guelph - actively - because that is what I am working on now."
I have been in the same situation for Summit and the Passion concert and have had a dilemma creeping under my skin both times. Finally it is out. I was wondering if I should feel guilty about where I spend my time but I refused to think or listen about it long enough to arrive at a solid conclusion. The present conclusion? Firstly, there is now no condemnation in Christ Jesus but secondly, I do need to spend my time more wisely and selflessly. With project members, I have a guarantee (perhaps at 95 or 100%) that I will have an enjoyable time because I already know them well and we know we miss one another and want to spend time together. However, with other people (sometimes including the close friendies), there is no guarantee so I impatiently access the option I am sure of, dooming the bad guarantee to an even lower percentage. [Is this too abstract?]
I lay on the floor of the Hilton Toronto's concourse level with seven other girls from Project and we were together. There's no better word for it. It was one of the most blissful, peaceful, relaxed moments of the entire conference and I shall cherish for a long time. It was amazing how comfortable we could be with eachother in terms of what we shared, how the conversation could change from profundity to shallowness whenever, how different conversations could spawn, and especially our body language, using one another as pillows. I might call it a miniscule glimpse into the fellowship department of Heaven. Several feet away from our cluster, Guelph students were sat in a circle, talking and eating pizza. It struck me, this very same mutinous traitor feeling that had been hacking at me for a while, and I finally gave in, realizing, "These people are getting better acquainted with their team members so that we can fight the good fight with people we know and love well. Here I sit amongst girls whom I have already fought some great battles with, knowing and loving them very well." I should have better priorities. I should learn to express myself more concisely. This is a long post. Guelph: I'm sorry. You are cool but Montreal is far too rare and tempting. :)
Here is another great thing that happened at Winter Conference 2005: I met a girl I attended high school with, who now attends McGill, and I was both overjoyed and overshocked to see her. As far as I can tell, we have not seen eachother since I became a Christian and since she started to compromise her beliefs. She was there with KCCC (the K stands for kaleidoscope or Korean) and she told me in the brief moments we had that she had been crying much these past two days (assumedly because of Holy Spirit convictions) citing her moving away from God as the reason. What can I say but "praise God!" to that? I prayed depuis longtemps that she would never be completely lost but that God would hold on to her and bring her back. Amen and thank You.
On New Year's Eve, some staff - almost like bouncers - of the Hilton Toronto wait by all entrances to check for keys and refuse anyone who is not a guest. My understanding is that one night at the Hilton Toronto will cost approximately $250. I would wager that not a one of us Conference members could - or even would - be able to afford to stay in the hotel for four nights. While walking around the hotel, I felt like I was there on somebody else's tab, and often like I was defiling the building with my lower-class self. There is nothing like an uppity hotel to make you realize how poor you are. Anyways, there were many people hovering around the doors who were not permitted entrance and I couldn't help but think I was cheating the system, or I had a fake I.D. or something else scandalous when the doorman would nod me in at first glance of my key. Each time I reached the other side of the inner door, I would breath a sigh of relief, loosen up and resist the urge to be smug or to gloat. It is absolutely remarkable how great man feels when he is allowed to be part of an elite group (elite by nature placing him above his peers) and I think we all know this feeling. Then I thought, "How amazing is the welcome we get from Jesus?" It finally hit me in that moment, the brilliance of our inheritance in Christ: we can gain entrance to the most elite of elite places (i.e. where God dwells) if we are in Jesus because God, a good father, welcomes His Son into His house. The feeling rendered when we are admitted without question ("Got the H-Spizzo? Come on in!") is beautifully undescribable and it is another paltry glimpse of Heaven's acceptance department. How many privaleges and perquisites does God give us (without even asking us to flash our key)? We even try to steal the shampoo, don't we?
My final comment on WC is about our talent show from Thursday, the 29th. Way too many people asked me if I was going to perform that it made me almost feel uncomfortable. I couldn't help but wonder why expectations were so high and why people think I have performance-ready material in my back pocket at ALL times. Anyways, I neglected to sign the list because I did not want to say I would perform and pull out at the last minute because that would only yield chanting and goading. When the "last" performer was on stage, another girl and I went to ask the MC if this was actually the last performer, knowing full well what she had said, hoping that an exception would be made. The other girl said yes, for sure, she would go and when the MC stood saying, "we were just kidding, there's one ... two? [holding two fingers up inquisitively, looking at me].. one more performer," I communicated my change of heart. Then, when that girl was almost finished her song, the MC asked again if I wanted to go up and finally I said "yes" knowing I regret not acting more than acting (even like an idiot) every time. I was not sure if I was going to sing a song or recite a poem. I did not want to go with the poem because I make a habit of never performing those twice but a song is far scarrier and would not have been entirely different from the rest of the acts like poetry would. I sat down at a pianoforte whose damper pedal was not working. That is the one thing that will make me refuse to play a piano, despite how much I utterly love the instrument. But now, sitting in a performer's spot with an expectant crowd, I was forced to work with what I had. I was surprized by the ease with which I spoke into the microphone to introduce the song and I could even pull a laugh or two from the crowd. Ha.. a few people were like calling my name before I even started talking. It's funny to me. I played and sang in a way that was satisfactory to me (the best I could ask for in performance) , likely under the influence of the knowledge that this was a voluntary and lax endeavor so I need not worry. That evening, a few people told me the liked what I had presented. One person - a friend of mine - said, "Some day you're gonna make me cry," and at first I thought it bizarre and somewhat cheesy, no kidding. The next day a few more random people told me the liked the song, most of them stopping me in the hall way or something and I still do not know any of their names. That day I realized the crying comment was actually a quite lovely compliment. I have long believed that a delayed compliment is best because it can attest to sincerety. That is, if you say, "Oh my goodness! That was so GO-ooood!!" the second the performer's foot leaves the stage, the substance of your compliment is all but void. It is too much of a formality; of an expected reaction, that it means little, especially when given in large doses. If, however, you were to write the performer an encouraging note and slip it into their pocket or mailbox that day or the next, they would know that you enjoyed the performance enough to take the time to write their thoughts and deliver them to you. The same applies to a verbal comment the next day or the next time you see them, even if that is one week later. After I finished the song, I was OK but I felt weird because the response of the crowd smacked of confusion. I just wanted to leave and I felt as torn down as I always do after a performance (except for one, lone instance) but I have come to recognize God's pattern of using something in the performance to humble me and then using the following days, weeks or months to slowly build me back up so I do not get a big head. Those next-day comments and the day-after-next-day comments build very well. On the third day, a girl from York U approached me and explained how she "just wanted to encourage" me. She said that there was an area of her personal life in which she had been begging for peace from God for the past four years. She explained how she felt she had "tried everything" and how she wanted to simply resign herself to trusting God to take care of this, and she hoped it would be during this conference. She started to cry a little as she explained how the song my grandfather wrote was used by God that she would be touched by the Spirit and finally have peace. Our God is an awesome God. She even says to me, "I don't know what made you want to go up there and perform that," as if it was obvious that I had no specific or pressing motives. Hmm, how interesting and blessed. Thanks, God!
Winter Conference was fun and I'd do it again if I thought it wise. We shall see, we shall see, we shall see.
Sunday, 25 December 2005
""
to-day's quotation shall be posted here because I cannot access angelfire at the moment.
"I thought we were friends, Derek!"
"My name is ANDY!!"
"Your name is Liar because you're telling lies!"
Another? My five-year-old brother told me two knock-knock jokes that were pretty standard and then, when he found he had run out of material, he created a joke on the spot:
"Knock, knock."
"Who's there?"
"Q."
"Q who?"
"Q ... is a fat head."
"I thought we were friends, Derek!"
"My name is ANDY!!"
"Your name is Liar because you're telling lies!"
Another? My five-year-old brother told me two knock-knock jokes that were pretty standard and then, when he found he had run out of material, he created a joke on the spot:
"Knock, knock."
"Who's there?"
"Q."
"Q who?"
"Q ... is a fat head."
Friday, 23 December 2005
I am slightly bored
To-day's quote from The Colbert Report is as follows:
His guest author, Peggy Noonan who wrote "John Paul the Great: Remembering a Spiritual Father", had just told Colbert how soon she thought the Pope would enter sainthood -- sooner than he normally would because the people of the Catholic church have already acclaimed him as such. He responds...
Colbert: So there's a chance the shrine in my home will become official soon?
Noonan: [hesitantly] Is it a shrine to Pope John Paul?
Colbert: [Yea, we love the Pope around our house.] I named my son John Paul.
Noonan: Did you really?
Colbert: Yea, he's four years old; we call him Your Holiness.
To-day's shower epiphany:
The reason we find difficulty in viewing all sins as equal is that we evaluate them by how much they grieve man.
His guest author, Peggy Noonan who wrote "John Paul the Great: Remembering a Spiritual Father", had just told Colbert how soon she thought the Pope would enter sainthood -- sooner than he normally would because the people of the Catholic church have already acclaimed him as such. He responds...
Colbert: So there's a chance the shrine in my home will become official soon?
Noonan: [hesitantly] Is it a shrine to Pope John Paul?
Colbert: [Yea, we love the Pope around our house.] I named my son John Paul.
Noonan: Did you really?
Colbert: Yea, he's four years old; we call him Your Holiness.
To-day's shower epiphany:
The reason we find difficulty in viewing all sins as equal is that we evaluate them by how much they grieve man.
Thursday, 22 December, 2005:)
What's to-day's revelation? Why I am simply too eager to tell you!
While walking west along Evans Avenue past Islington Avenue, I realized that good things are not God. Similarly, things that God has commanded, things that the Bible says are good, things that are for other people - noble endeavors for sure are not God. Only He is who He says He is. (The application? Only He should be focused on, nothing else.)
This meant much to me during my trek because I am overwhelmed and distracted (perhaps with a sprinkling of Confused) these days and it was nice to promenade for an hour or so in the cold, listening to good music and a good God. I felt slightly cleansed but, moreover, I see now how unclean I actually was. In the words of Kanye West, "I did dirt and went to church to get my hands scrubbed." I .. you know what kind of thing I am talking about. Basic neglect, I guess; or apathy. Ahh, yes. There is nothing quite like simplicity. I do miss church a little bit, too.
While walking west along Evans Avenue past Islington Avenue, I realized that good things are not God. Similarly, things that God has commanded, things that the Bible says are good, things that are for other people - noble endeavors for sure are not God. Only He is who He says He is. (The application? Only He should be focused on, nothing else.)
This meant much to me during my trek because I am overwhelmed and distracted (perhaps with a sprinkling of Confused) these days and it was nice to promenade for an hour or so in the cold, listening to good music and a good God. I felt slightly cleansed but, moreover, I see now how unclean I actually was. In the words of Kanye West, "I did dirt and went to church to get my hands scrubbed." I .. you know what kind of thing I am talking about. Basic neglect, I guess; or apathy. Ahh, yes. There is nothing quite like simplicity. I do miss church a little bit, too.
Wednesday, 21 December 2005
declaration part five
**Last Sunday, I heard an amazing sermon (preached partly by a good friend of mine [rock on]) that was invaluably useful to me and instrumental in changing my view on evangelism. The sermon was entitled Enlarging my Heart and point number four explains how that happens when we are ...
Sharing our Faith
"But that is why God had mercy on me, so that Christ Jesus could use me as a prime example of his great patience with even the worst sinners. Then others will realize that they, too, can believe in him." 1 Timothy 1:16
**Some of the ideas that struck me hard as refreshing and relieving...
-"believe God for appointments"
-"in the Bible, there are no stereotypes" [of evangelizers]
-evangelism means "us wanting them to have what [we]’ve got (often they do not respond and it hurts)"
**This concept in particular resonated with me entirely. It has helped me to better understand the Great Commission, making me eager to take my medicine with the bitter/foul edge taken off the taste...
"We were not called to be ‘hunters of men’!" After two shots, the prey will scamper away, never to return; afraid of double barrels and fluorescent jackets forever. "Fishers" have something the fish want. If people don’t want anything you’ve got, don’t witness to anybody! The timing is up to the fish."
**Simply put, the exhortation was...
"Be yourself and tell your story!"
**We were told that our response should be to...
Keep Praying, Keep Sharing
"So don’t get tired of doing what is good. Don’t get discouraged and give up, for we will reap a harvest of blessing at the appropriate time." Galatians 6:9
Sharing our Faith
"But that is why God had mercy on me, so that Christ Jesus could use me as a prime example of his great patience with even the worst sinners. Then others will realize that they, too, can believe in him." 1 Timothy 1:16
**Some of the ideas that struck me hard as refreshing and relieving...
-"believe God for appointments"
-"in the Bible, there are no stereotypes" [of evangelizers]
-evangelism means "us wanting them to have what [we]’ve got (often they do not respond and it hurts)"
**This concept in particular resonated with me entirely. It has helped me to better understand the Great Commission, making me eager to take my medicine with the bitter/foul edge taken off the taste...
"We were not called to be ‘hunters of men’!" After two shots, the prey will scamper away, never to return; afraid of double barrels and fluorescent jackets forever. "Fishers" have something the fish want. If people don’t want anything you’ve got, don’t witness to anybody! The timing is up to the fish."
**Simply put, the exhortation was...
"Be yourself and tell your story!"
**We were told that our response should be to...
Keep Praying, Keep Sharing
"So don’t get tired of doing what is good. Don’t get discouraged and give up, for we will reap a harvest of blessing at the appropriate time." Galatians 6:9
Thursday, 15 December 2005
I had an epiphany:
If we are all created in the image of God - all reflections of some facet of Him - then how can we compete with one another? How can one part of God be better than another?
[sister posts: 25/01/05:), 29/03/05:)]
[sister posts: 25/01/05:), 29/03/05:)]
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