The back of the t-shirt I wore to work yesterday once had the following written on it:
YOU CAN TAKE A MILLION STEPS AWAY FROM GOD
BUT IT'S NEVER MORE THAN ONE STEP BACK.
Someone at a Bible study I was part of three or four years ago said that during one of our meetings and it hit me like a blowdart to the neck. I put it on the back of my shirt with fabric paints because I thought it was something that people should hear. Screw it - that's something people should hear. A Kanye West lyric that says, "I wanna talk to God but I'm afraid cuz it's been so long," always makes me to sadness. Not ripe & rich sadness but I know he's not the only one who thinks the doorway to communing with God exists in a lush forest that gets over grown with strong vines and high plants (poisonous? thorny?) the longer you leave it alone. Frequent visits make the path more travelled by, n'est-ce pas?
Anyways, it's something I want people to know (it hits a myth I wish to dispell) BUT I think it also comes from an ideal angle for making the kind of impression that I'd like to. There are obvious & easy ways to start a conversation from that phrase (not by me but others) AND it's also something you can put in your back pocket and take home with you. I like it because it means the READER gets to decide whether they want to engage me. I just be wearin truth on my back...that's all.
These days most of the paint has fallen off (I have touched it up before but now it's different) and I don't wear the shirt as often as I once did. Hmmmm. I like that the words are obscured because it allows me to be a coward. On the other hand, it can force me to be distinctly UNcowardly when someone asks what it says and I must TELL them all verbal like, not just turn around and curve my shoulders in.
One of my coworkers started reading then gave up so I had to tell him.
"Hm! That's very philosophical of you."
"Yep." (It's been a long time since I've been faithly confronted.)
"I'll probably be dreaming about that all night."
"Haha... well good."
Today when I saw him again he said, "I'm still thinking about that million gazillion...." And in the brief ensuing exchange I started to seriously wonder if he had actually gotten the idea but..for the fact that it burned his brain he must have. I thought maybe... I hope there was no...salvation-by-works-ness being considered. I think not.
I'm reminded of the other shirt I wrote on the back of.
NO GUILT IN
LIFE
NO FEAR IN
DEATH
I was wearing that when I went to the front of a class (which functions as a performance hall so the seating is staggered quite high and when you're playing the one grand piano in the middle of the floor, people see you). It was a piano, I wanted to play it, class was cancelled and peeps was leaving, end of justification. As he left, a dude came up to me and showed me that he had copied down all the words from the back of my shirt. I really wish I could remember what he said to me and I him. What I do know is that we eventually had a real conversation and I still talk to him a year and a half later. I have no idea if he got it...To me the words make so much sense and have so much value because of the line which follows and completes them: THIS IS THE POW'R OF CHRIST IN ME. What a way to go...
But looking at it without Christ, that's just another "you can do it if you put your mind to it" slogan, isn't it? Boo. Something to think about.
Monday, 21 April 2008
Sunday, 20 April 2008
Dennis Leary is so hot-and-cold for me.
First time on Friday: I finally tried Dairy Queen ice cream. Neither my boat nor world were officially rocked. I was disappointed. What I ate was pretty much a less gross Oreo McFlurry. (It wasn't what I meant to order...it made me sad.)
Today I posited that it's "easy" for God to forgive us because He sees the better self we could/will beome on the other side of it. (I imagine a sin or a plea for forgiveness floating up in front of His face like a bubble or busying like a fly and He just swats it away. It's hardly important...it's blocking His view.) I imagine He knows better...that He expected the sin, that He sees us forgiven and that He knows our perfected selves. I tried to say that it's like Him shaving off pieces of stone in pursuit of the sculpture inside but I'm not sure how that analogy holds up.
"because the Lord disciplines those he loves, and punishes everyone he accepts as a son."
Apparently it's a privilege to be disciplined by God. I think of the system by which Rabbis chose their disciples or followers... I think of the honor conferred by being allowed to copy someone's every move. It sounds like weird-o idolatry or perhaps arrogance but it makes sense to me (only with God, really). He wouldn't bother with la discipline if He didn't think we could take it or didn't think we could be trained or further perfected or however you want to say it. He knows our potential. The phrase, "He sees our sinless self," liberates me. I'm glad that God is omniscient because that means He can view all of THIS - all of what I now understand as self, as true about the world at present, etc. - and see it as prep for what WILL BE. It's all valuable, it's all ordered...it's all leading somewheres. And He gets that it's necessary because He knows the end result and what every up, down, struggle and triumph is going to yield in the Finished You. The Finished Me. I'd love to meet her.
Today I posited that it's "easy" for God to forgive us because He sees the better self we could/will beome on the other side of it. (I imagine a sin or a plea for forgiveness floating up in front of His face like a bubble or busying like a fly and He just swats it away. It's hardly important...it's blocking His view.) I imagine He knows better...that He expected the sin, that He sees us forgiven and that He knows our perfected selves. I tried to say that it's like Him shaving off pieces of stone in pursuit of the sculpture inside but I'm not sure how that analogy holds up.
"because the Lord disciplines those he loves, and punishes everyone he accepts as a son."
Apparently it's a privilege to be disciplined by God. I think of the system by which Rabbis chose their disciples or followers... I think of the honor conferred by being allowed to copy someone's every move. It sounds like weird-o idolatry or perhaps arrogance but it makes sense to me (only with God, really). He wouldn't bother with la discipline if He didn't think we could take it or didn't think we could be trained or further perfected or however you want to say it. He knows our potential. The phrase, "He sees our sinless self," liberates me. I'm glad that God is omniscient because that means He can view all of THIS - all of what I now understand as self, as true about the world at present, etc. - and see it as prep for what WILL BE. It's all valuable, it's all ordered...it's all leading somewheres. And He gets that it's necessary because He knows the end result and what every up, down, struggle and triumph is going to yield in the Finished You. The Finished Me. I'd love to meet her.
Friday, 18 April 2008
best line(s) of the day:
Her: You better invite me to your wedding.
Me: Psh..you can be the flower girl...just kidding - you can't come.
Her: I WILL be the flower girl...I'm gonna throw cockroaches instead.
I don't think I've ever been so overwhelmed with peopled-out-ness like this before. It's almost nauseating. It's wrecking me in some way. Since Samstag this will be...tomorrow will be my first shot at getting DECENT alone time..and I will seriously need three or four hours, preferrably in succession. I just don't know. I just don't know. It's hard to be around people you like when you don't like being around people. It's worse when you've pre-arranged to hang. Boo. Oh well.
There's more to it...I want to write so much but don't know how. If it comes out like I'm talking to someone then it sounds dumb. If it comes out like I'm talking to myself then it comes out indecipherable to the outside world. It also ends up being far more exposing to the self (making vulnerable) and this is worse when people think they don't know what you're talking about because you're exposed but no one's asking questions.
>8 o'clock train from Brampton to Union Station... we chatted with Phil (my friends high school friend) the whole way... and it was enjoyable. (generally first-time meetings with friends of friends don't go over well. I just don't try because I don't think I'm expected to. I def had a moment where I felt myself getting more animated because of the topic. those moments are cool.)
>9.30 we eat a dirty breakfast on a dirty bench. I enjoyed the orange juice.
shortly before 10am we're at Casa Loma. why? pourquoi pas?
>over lunch I hear the above quotation and laugh rather loudly for a while. Also over lunch we discuss a few hot topics I wasn't expecting to breach with this friend and was definitely pleased to have been able to do so. it wasn't pleasant content but it's good to git'rdun sometimes.
>back at Union by 2 we discover the next train we want will arrive at 3.15. we wander (in search of ice cream) over to the St Lawrence market. It's impressive.
>while my friend is ogling wares and talking with peddlers, I get a telephone call about some details of the activities coming up that evening. I didn't want to take that 3.15 back to Browntown..I wanted someboddy closer (3? 3.30?) directement from Bay to Guelph. It could have worked. What's more..I had a ticket left over from some other trip...with the Brampton route I'd be paying monies out of my pocket. I didn't like this. (But I had another reason to do it that wasn't going to directly benefit me.... so I barrelled through.) My telephone friend, after business had been dealt with, told me something that sounded like gossip. I'm still not sure if it is though I am VERY glad for the knowledge. Normally I would act upon it but in this position I don't feel I can submit the tampered evidence. Thus, I wait to see if involved parties will initiate. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do to do to do. This preoccupied my thoughts for much time...and even now, even during the rest of the day as it found me over and over I was just overwhelmed with helplessness and frustration.
More than this it hurts me to think that I could be so dissapointed in these people. ("Disappointed"? That's a mean parent word.) errrrrg. I just want to not deal with it... I know I can't compeltely ignore it...and I'm not convinced I need to pounce on anyone. What to do?
Hardest thing? Coming home tonight to weirdness + more weirdness and wanting even more to DO or SAY...and finding my hands tied. (What to say?) I'm fairly certain God wants me to wait. It's hard to watch friends writhe in pain...(What on earth does God feel like when He sees His [friends] writhing in sin? What on earth.... helpless and wanting to reach...capable but restricted by morals or integrity or something.) ugh.
chronology....
>4.15 is the approximate time we reach downtown Brampton...... 5.35 is the approximate time we reach my friends house. I slept on the train. It was gorgeous. (These days, sleep seems to be my only people escape. It seems, recently, that I panic when I get real alone time and sometimes fill it with noise. That's a fully loaded "noise" right there.)
>6.05 is when the Guelph bus would be leaving Browntown... We arrived about 15 minutes before the bus did and I'm glad my friend stayed. We talked about more REAL stuff. She asked a question that allowed me to decide whether we'd stay abstract and arms' length or get more specif and personal. (I imagine this choise like the epiglottis who chooses lungs or estomac. I picture the epi a bit like the paddles in pinball machines.) I don't give my friend enough credit.
>7.05 I'm in G. I had another delicious slumber on the bus...I'm grateful for it. I had to shove two Pop Tarts down my throat soon after boarding because my good friend Dr Motion Sickness was trying to get my attention. I'm glad for those Pop Tarts even though I REALLY wasn't in the mood for weird uber-sweet dirty pastry at that moment. Thank God for easy-ish ways to prevent nausea.
>8 o'clock is a party with AMAZING food, all Greekish which is just...well it was out of this world. I felt good. I enjoyed it. It was delicious. I felt weird about going that night because I knew I just wanted to be alone and to have the chance to catch up on some sleep....but I couldna. Mmmm. It's hard to be around people and act like you aint got no problem when being around them is inflaming or fuelling or the foundation of whatever's wrong. Last thing you want to hear is, "What's wrong?". Praise Jesus no one asked me. I came clean on a few "how are you"-ish lines of questioning which I think satisfied them and kept them from prodding. Love't.
>23h50 I arrive chez moi for the final time aujourd'hui. Ugh. I'm not overly impressed with the time. There are things I dread even now. Even now. I don't like that if I slept in now...it'd be noon or worse before my body was satisfied enough to let me go natural like. My dream was to hit it around 10, 11, even 12 and be able to tank it til.... 10 am. I like 10am. It's just a LITTLE BIT lazy. It still gives me enough of the day to have enough of the day.
I think I'm done. I think I'm....confused and frustrated...but I yearn for rest and I anticipate God blessing me through it for several reasons. Ugh. What to say...?
Me: Psh..you can be the flower girl...just kidding - you can't come.
Her: I WILL be the flower girl...I'm gonna throw cockroaches instead.
I don't think I've ever been so overwhelmed with peopled-out-ness like this before. It's almost nauseating. It's wrecking me in some way. Since Samstag this will be...tomorrow will be my first shot at getting DECENT alone time..and I will seriously need three or four hours, preferrably in succession. I just don't know. I just don't know. It's hard to be around people you like when you don't like being around people. It's worse when you've pre-arranged to hang. Boo. Oh well.
There's more to it...I want to write so much but don't know how. If it comes out like I'm talking to someone then it sounds dumb. If it comes out like I'm talking to myself then it comes out indecipherable to the outside world. It also ends up being far more exposing to the self (making vulnerable) and this is worse when people think they don't know what you're talking about because you're exposed but no one's asking questions.
>8 o'clock train from Brampton to Union Station... we chatted with Phil (my friends high school friend) the whole way... and it was enjoyable. (generally first-time meetings with friends of friends don't go over well. I just don't try because I don't think I'm expected to. I def had a moment where I felt myself getting more animated because of the topic. those moments are cool.)
>9.30 we eat a dirty breakfast on a dirty bench. I enjoyed the orange juice.
shortly before 10am we're at Casa Loma. why? pourquoi pas?
>over lunch I hear the above quotation and laugh rather loudly for a while. Also over lunch we discuss a few hot topics I wasn't expecting to breach with this friend and was definitely pleased to have been able to do so. it wasn't pleasant content but it's good to git'rdun sometimes.
>back at Union by 2 we discover the next train we want will arrive at 3.15. we wander (in search of ice cream) over to the St Lawrence market. It's impressive.
>while my friend is ogling wares and talking with peddlers, I get a telephone call about some details of the activities coming up that evening. I didn't want to take that 3.15 back to Browntown..I wanted someboddy closer (3? 3.30?) directement from Bay to Guelph. It could have worked. What's more..I had a ticket left over from some other trip...with the Brampton route I'd be paying monies out of my pocket. I didn't like this. (But I had another reason to do it that wasn't going to directly benefit me.... so I barrelled through.) My telephone friend, after business had been dealt with, told me something that sounded like gossip. I'm still not sure if it is though I am VERY glad for the knowledge. Normally I would act upon it but in this position I don't feel I can submit the tampered evidence. Thus, I wait to see if involved parties will initiate. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do to do to do. This preoccupied my thoughts for much time...and even now, even during the rest of the day as it found me over and over I was just overwhelmed with helplessness and frustration.
More than this it hurts me to think that I could be so dissapointed in these people. ("Disappointed"? That's a mean parent word.) errrrrg. I just want to not deal with it... I know I can't compeltely ignore it...and I'm not convinced I need to pounce on anyone. What to do?
Hardest thing? Coming home tonight to weirdness + more weirdness and wanting even more to DO or SAY...and finding my hands tied. (What to say?) I'm fairly certain God wants me to wait. It's hard to watch friends writhe in pain...(What on earth does God feel like when He sees His [friends] writhing in sin? What on earth.... helpless and wanting to reach...capable but restricted by morals or integrity or something.) ugh.
chronology....
>4.15 is the approximate time we reach downtown Brampton...... 5.35 is the approximate time we reach my friends house. I slept on the train. It was gorgeous. (These days, sleep seems to be my only people escape. It seems, recently, that I panic when I get real alone time and sometimes fill it with noise. That's a fully loaded "noise" right there.)
>6.05 is when the Guelph bus would be leaving Browntown... We arrived about 15 minutes before the bus did and I'm glad my friend stayed. We talked about more REAL stuff. She asked a question that allowed me to decide whether we'd stay abstract and arms' length or get more specif and personal. (I imagine this choise like the epiglottis who chooses lungs or estomac. I picture the epi a bit like the paddles in pinball machines.) I don't give my friend enough credit.
>7.05 I'm in G. I had another delicious slumber on the bus...I'm grateful for it. I had to shove two Pop Tarts down my throat soon after boarding because my good friend Dr Motion Sickness was trying to get my attention. I'm glad for those Pop Tarts even though I REALLY wasn't in the mood for weird uber-sweet dirty pastry at that moment. Thank God for easy-ish ways to prevent nausea.
>8 o'clock is a party with AMAZING food, all Greekish which is just...well it was out of this world. I felt good. I enjoyed it. It was delicious. I felt weird about going that night because I knew I just wanted to be alone and to have the chance to catch up on some sleep....but I couldna. Mmmm. It's hard to be around people and act like you aint got no problem when being around them is inflaming or fuelling or the foundation of whatever's wrong. Last thing you want to hear is, "What's wrong?". Praise Jesus no one asked me. I came clean on a few "how are you"-ish lines of questioning which I think satisfied them and kept them from prodding. Love't.
>23h50 I arrive chez moi for the final time aujourd'hui. Ugh. I'm not overly impressed with the time. There are things I dread even now. Even now. I don't like that if I slept in now...it'd be noon or worse before my body was satisfied enough to let me go natural like. My dream was to hit it around 10, 11, even 12 and be able to tank it til.... 10 am. I like 10am. It's just a LITTLE BIT lazy. It still gives me enough of the day to have enough of the day.
I think I'm done. I think I'm....confused and frustrated...but I yearn for rest and I anticipate God blessing me through it for several reasons. Ugh. What to say...?
Friday, 11 April 2008
I love my hair today.
Hank Azaria can call me up and propose any day...just any day now. It's weird that I'm most attracted to him when I'm watching The Simpsons.... no visuals included. Whatever. I have a memory.
I haven't had such a great day at work in a long time..... I got there on time, the shift ended at midnight instead of 2 (as I was expecting), the work itself was fine, I didn't get yelled at or reprimanded in any way (cuz I didn't do anything wrong!) I really needed the brainspace to think and MOST IMPORTANT: I came home with three free slices of pizza and one of cheesecake! What?! What is that all about?? It's about greatness, that's who. I adore it.
I also adore my own literacy. It's a blessing. (17)
How on earth God has seen fit to pursue me so much these past few days, I just don't know. I just don't. (Maybe He's..... tryin to refine me so He can take me away for a year to minister to and lead other students in pursuit of Christ. Maybe that's what He's all about. Maybe I need to re-read the story of Joseph, son of Jacob because I was just referencing it to someone else today for this exact point. God takes you through stuff you cannot even imagine so He can build you up properly into the person you need to be to exact His purposes. MAN, with a record like Joseph's how can you look back and claim ANY of your own merit or achievements? How? Jeepers. He breaks down but He builds up.)
I haven't had such a great day at work in a long time..... I got there on time, the shift ended at midnight instead of 2 (as I was expecting), the work itself was fine, I didn't get yelled at or reprimanded in any way (cuz I didn't do anything wrong!) I really needed the brainspace to think and MOST IMPORTANT: I came home with three free slices of pizza and one of cheesecake! What?! What is that all about?? It's about greatness, that's who. I adore it.
I also adore my own literacy. It's a blessing. (17)
How on earth God has seen fit to pursue me so much these past few days, I just don't know. I just don't. (Maybe He's..... tryin to refine me so He can take me away for a year to minister to and lead other students in pursuit of Christ. Maybe that's what He's all about. Maybe I need to re-read the story of Joseph, son of Jacob because I was just referencing it to someone else today for this exact point. God takes you through stuff you cannot even imagine so He can build you up properly into the person you need to be to exact His purposes. MAN, with a record like Joseph's how can you look back and claim ANY of your own merit or achievements? How? Jeepers. He breaks down but He builds up.)
Thursday, 10 April 2008
first time for everything!
"I had a cathartic experience."
cathartic it was. I'm pleased. I'm quite overwhelmed and I can't even run that line of thought anymore (I feel so exhausted in a way). But it's been great and I feel stronger for the future.
It wasn't easy to bring up and it wasn't easy to admit pieces of but...I have a gracious friend and she helped me to see things as, I think, I never would have seen, all by my onesy.
She walked me through it and I think my favorite part was at the end when she said, "I don't even know what I think," not like she was shocked or disgusted but like she just didn't know. That's OK! She claimed she wouldn't pass judgement...and she didn't. Awesome.
I'm not even sure what I think right now...and I don't know where to start but, being so much at peace, I feel so completely unrushed. It's awesome.
I await the future with some kind of excitement.
cathartic it was. I'm pleased. I'm quite overwhelmed and I can't even run that line of thought anymore (I feel so exhausted in a way). But it's been great and I feel stronger for the future.
It wasn't easy to bring up and it wasn't easy to admit pieces of but...I have a gracious friend and she helped me to see things as, I think, I never would have seen, all by my onesy.
She walked me through it and I think my favorite part was at the end when she said, "I don't even know what I think," not like she was shocked or disgusted but like she just didn't know. That's OK! She claimed she wouldn't pass judgement...and she didn't. Awesome.
I'm not even sure what I think right now...and I don't know where to start but, being so much at peace, I feel so completely unrushed. It's awesome.
I await the future with some kind of excitement.
Tuesday, 8 April 2008
The 10th Paul Post
Ten Things I like about Paul Curtis
(1) What?!
(2) He makes me laugh like Steve Martin makes me laugh. (That's kinda a big deal.)
(3) He is smart but it doesn't seem to bother him.
(4) He knows stuff about stuff I don't.
(5) He uses the word "nerd" quite appropriately.
(6) I feel like I know a secret celebrity when I hear his guitar playing. It blows my mind.
(7) He's a fan of Hamstray/Ramrod?
(8) Sometimes he's nice.
(9) He listens well.
(10) The way he makes good conversation is unique among the people I know who make good conversation. (I wonder if there's a better way to write that.)
the series:
Silas: http://jesfffskah.blogspot.com/2006/09/draw-er-of-smirks.html
Katie: http://jesfffskah.blogspot.com/2006/10/having-crushes-on-multiple-young-lads.html
J-Rob: http://jesfffskah.blogspot.com/2007/01/title-less.html
Lydia: http://jesfffskah.blogspot.com/2007/04/one-thing-i-like-about-lydia.html
(1) What?!
(2) He makes me laugh like Steve Martin makes me laugh. (That's kinda a big deal.)
(3) He is smart but it doesn't seem to bother him.
(4) He knows stuff about stuff I don't.
(5) He uses the word "nerd" quite appropriately.
(6) I feel like I know a secret celebrity when I hear his guitar playing. It blows my mind.
(7) He's a fan of Hamstray/Ramrod?
(8) Sometimes he's nice.
(9) He listens well.
(10) The way he makes good conversation is unique among the people I know who make good conversation. (I wonder if there's a better way to write that.)
the series:
Silas: http://jesfffskah.blogspot.com/2006/09/draw-er-of-smirks.html
Katie: http://jesfffskah.blogspot.com/2006/10/having-crushes-on-multiple-young-lads.html
J-Rob: http://jesfffskah.blogspot.com/2007/01/title-less.html
Lydia: http://jesfffskah.blogspot.com/2007/04/one-thing-i-like-about-lydia.html
Saturday, 5 April 2008
what I discovered today:
I can't thwart God's plans even if I want to.
I feel like it's too early in the day to summarize all the events (and greatnesses) which just doesn't make sense considering it should be EASIER to write about fewer things than more...the more that will surely transpire in the next 10 or so hours of my day.
I fought bitter tiredness this morning as I was trying to sit and listen. I got up and drained my water bottle which helped. I stayed at the back so I couldn't distract others with my constant movement (wakeful tactics). Then it was my turn to go up. Turns out I should have taken more time to become conscious before I sat down to play because I was in a haze. Everything was too close, too restricted and too foreign. I didn't know what I was doing! I hate mics and I don't know how to adjust their stands (they're either old and/or brokendy, or I'm in the middle of performing so I can't take time to adjust without being disruptive). I told myself before I went up not to rush. I knew I had to adjust the seat and remember my key and fake an intro and all that but...I didn't realize the arm was so short that I had to lean so close that pedalling wasn't easy and my range was totally squashed.
WHAT did I pray, sitting at the back twitching my legs to fight my eyelids back? I prayed that God would take His famous humility undercut on me. From when I arrived and was having brief discussions with Coordinator, Planner and Sound person, it sounded like everything was going to go well in exactly the ways it HADN'T gone well the last two times I'd sang here. So...I thought, God, I'm ready, I'm not nervous, people will be able to hear me, I think the song is right (or I can change it last minute)...You gotta figure out something else to take me down. He did. He messed me up so that I don't even know what was going on.
My favorite side-effect was that being so mystifed by what my hands were doing and how the mic stand meant my left hand wasn't going ANYWHERE (not to mention how I usually play the song in a different key and didn't know what the right hand was all about either) - it's like watching someone else play but from a vantage point you should never have unless it's your own - this all made me oblivious enough to the performance quality of the situation that I was freer in my voice and didn't hesitate or second guess in the places I normally would be shy with.
It was crazy.
It's not even the half of it.
He....knows my name. He knows me.
I was confronted at work this morning: How can You be so good to me when I've clearly turned my back on You again? Something about this is so unsettling and confusing that I just don't know where to start. Like...I'm forced to admit that this is not a business arrangement we have here. He's not interested in my achievements. Furthermore, He has no intention of leaving me.
I just don't get that.
He has no intention of leaving ME, personally - Jesskah Farquharson III Esq. Well...maybe just the first two names. He knows me personally... He knows everything about me; all my ways, my flaws, my desires, my ideas, my thoughts..HE JUST KNOWS.
And He sticks...He sticks by me unequivocally. I don't understand. I just don't.
He wants me, too. He wants me for greater things. He has high expectations and He just won't let me give up and hang out by the wayside.
On a day that should have been LONGER hours at work, where I had plans of getting up early so I could get out early and make it to the shin-dig later on, on THAT day, work was done before I knew it. I got up 2.25 hours later I had originally planned which is...slightly disheartening and leaves me with no one to blame if I miss out on my after plans. What's more - I had been doing good work, I was on time, meticulous...It was otherwisely shaping up to be a good day...You didn't hafta go do all that now, too...!
Geez. He knows me. SOMEtimes I think He likes me.
Even yesternight when I should have been asleep and DIDN'T need Ruffles Regular.. God let me see an old "friend" who made me laugh embarassingly loud in the store. I enjoy ridiculous blessers like that (16) and I grinned the whole way home. He just dang ol knows me. End of it.
I feel like it's too early in the day to summarize all the events (and greatnesses) which just doesn't make sense considering it should be EASIER to write about fewer things than more...the more that will surely transpire in the next 10 or so hours of my day.
I fought bitter tiredness this morning as I was trying to sit and listen. I got up and drained my water bottle which helped. I stayed at the back so I couldn't distract others with my constant movement (wakeful tactics). Then it was my turn to go up. Turns out I should have taken more time to become conscious before I sat down to play because I was in a haze. Everything was too close, too restricted and too foreign. I didn't know what I was doing! I hate mics and I don't know how to adjust their stands (they're either old and/or brokendy, or I'm in the middle of performing so I can't take time to adjust without being disruptive). I told myself before I went up not to rush. I knew I had to adjust the seat and remember my key and fake an intro and all that but...I didn't realize the arm was so short that I had to lean so close that pedalling wasn't easy and my range was totally squashed.
WHAT did I pray, sitting at the back twitching my legs to fight my eyelids back? I prayed that God would take His famous humility undercut on me. From when I arrived and was having brief discussions with Coordinator, Planner and Sound person, it sounded like everything was going to go well in exactly the ways it HADN'T gone well the last two times I'd sang here. So...I thought, God, I'm ready, I'm not nervous, people will be able to hear me, I think the song is right (or I can change it last minute)...You gotta figure out something else to take me down. He did. He messed me up so that I don't even know what was going on.
My favorite side-effect was that being so mystifed by what my hands were doing and how the mic stand meant my left hand wasn't going ANYWHERE (not to mention how I usually play the song in a different key and didn't know what the right hand was all about either) - it's like watching someone else play but from a vantage point you should never have unless it's your own - this all made me oblivious enough to the performance quality of the situation that I was freer in my voice and didn't hesitate or second guess in the places I normally would be shy with.
It was crazy.
It's not even the half of it.
He....knows my name. He knows me.
I was confronted at work this morning: How can You be so good to me when I've clearly turned my back on You again? Something about this is so unsettling and confusing that I just don't know where to start. Like...I'm forced to admit that this is not a business arrangement we have here. He's not interested in my achievements. Furthermore, He has no intention of leaving me.
I just don't get that.
He has no intention of leaving ME, personally - Jesskah Farquharson III Esq. Well...maybe just the first two names. He knows me personally... He knows everything about me; all my ways, my flaws, my desires, my ideas, my thoughts..HE JUST KNOWS.
And He sticks...He sticks by me unequivocally. I don't understand. I just don't.
He wants me, too. He wants me for greater things. He has high expectations and He just won't let me give up and hang out by the wayside.
On a day that should have been LONGER hours at work, where I had plans of getting up early so I could get out early and make it to the shin-dig later on, on THAT day, work was done before I knew it. I got up 2.25 hours later I had originally planned which is...slightly disheartening and leaves me with no one to blame if I miss out on my after plans. What's more - I had been doing good work, I was on time, meticulous...It was otherwisely shaping up to be a good day...You didn't hafta go do all that now, too...!
Geez. He knows me. SOMEtimes I think He likes me.
Even yesternight when I should have been asleep and DIDN'T need Ruffles Regular.. God let me see an old "friend" who made me laugh embarassingly loud in the store. I enjoy ridiculous blessers like that (16) and I grinned the whole way home. He just dang ol knows me. End of it.
Friday, 4 April 2008
do you have a specific interest in Japan or do you just know a lot about a lot of things?
(almost embarassed, nodding, "Mmmmm, more the second one.")
today I realized something kinda sad.
I thought that Tim Hortons, this year, was only putting pink behind the ESSAYEZ ENCORE results. I have been expecting to see yellow when I win. I saw a bucket full of winners at Tims today and...they're all pink and...the last two or three cups? I haven't taken the time to read them. I see pink and I chuck the cup. Premature..ahhhh I COULD HAVE HAD A CAR. Maybe.
samauri >> Astro Boy
today I realized something kinda sad.
I thought that Tim Hortons, this year, was only putting pink behind the ESSAYEZ ENCORE results. I have been expecting to see yellow when I win. I saw a bucket full of winners at Tims today and...they're all pink and...the last two or three cups? I haven't taken the time to read them. I see pink and I chuck the cup. Premature..ahhhh I COULD HAVE HAD A CAR. Maybe.
samauri >> Astro Boy
Thursday, 3 April 2008
by the stove
follow up on "Avril! C'est Avril!":
He's a tricky one, that I Am. He answered the prayer in a way I probably never would have thought of myself. Wow, it really is perfect. ...He removed the wrath of my debtor which means He opted to give me time to earn the money instead of just giving me a miracle fund as I like to call it. Good God.
I don't know what mentally triggered it but I know I was by the stove when I asked myself who my maid of honor would be.
If I got married today, who would she be? I flipped through the Rolodex and discovered that no one seems to stick out, head and shoulders above the others. I'm sure I could whip up a gaggle of bridesmaids, no problem. But I can't think of any relationship I have that's unique enough for the of honor position.
My friend's bridal magazine that I was perusing last Frides had some interesting and some startling pictures and ideas in it. ..One of the things that I thought was actually cool was the cross-gender wedding parties. That is, some brides had a groomsman and some grooms had a bridesmaid. It was never more than one on either side of the party but it intruiged me. If he/she fits, then why not? I suppose some of the demands of the role have been lost since traditional times and it would be OK to bend the "rules" in this way.
So, honestly, if I was going to get married today (and by that I mean if I were to get married while I am the person that I am today, the figurative today) then I would have to pick a best man instead of woman. It's just plain true. My best friend is a dude - I can't help it!
Or, I would opt for no such person and stick with all bridesmaids.
But,
I take comfort in knowing that the person I will be by the time I DO get married (if I do) won't be the same person I am today and as relationships change, too, the right woman for the job might arrive.
I think I felt bad that I didn't know who to pick....Something about this makes me feel distinctly un-whole. So that alternative brought to my attention by the magelzine seemed like some kind of temporary relief. "OK, if anyone comes looking NOW, they won't be able to tell, but in the meantime, let's work on the back-up plan." It's like buying time. Done. As if I'm in a rush.
He's a tricky one, that I Am. He answered the prayer in a way I probably never would have thought of myself. Wow, it really is perfect. ...He removed the wrath of my debtor which means He opted to give me time to earn the money instead of just giving me a miracle fund as I like to call it. Good God.
I don't know what mentally triggered it but I know I was by the stove when I asked myself who my maid of honor would be.
If I got married today, who would she be? I flipped through the Rolodex and discovered that no one seems to stick out, head and shoulders above the others. I'm sure I could whip up a gaggle of bridesmaids, no problem. But I can't think of any relationship I have that's unique enough for the of honor position.
My friend's bridal magazine that I was perusing last Frides had some interesting and some startling pictures and ideas in it. ..One of the things that I thought was actually cool was the cross-gender wedding parties. That is, some brides had a groomsman and some grooms had a bridesmaid. It was never more than one on either side of the party but it intruiged me. If he/she fits, then why not? I suppose some of the demands of the role have been lost since traditional times and it would be OK to bend the "rules" in this way.
So, honestly, if I was going to get married today (and by that I mean if I were to get married while I am the person that I am today, the figurative today) then I would have to pick a best man instead of woman. It's just plain true. My best friend is a dude - I can't help it!
Or, I would opt for no such person and stick with all bridesmaids.
But,
I take comfort in knowing that the person I will be by the time I DO get married (if I do) won't be the same person I am today and as relationships change, too, the right woman for the job might arrive.
I think I felt bad that I didn't know who to pick....Something about this makes me feel distinctly un-whole. So that alternative brought to my attention by the magelzine seemed like some kind of temporary relief. "OK, if anyone comes looking NOW, they won't be able to tell, but in the meantime, let's work on the back-up plan." It's like buying time. Done. As if I'm in a rush.
Wednesday, 2 April 2008
mother and son?
I never thought I'd say this...I never thought I'd be in this spot...but Everwood (2002-2006) is breaking down my aversion to small towns. It's just the slo-o-owness of life that I'm understanding. It CAN be quite relaxing and feel like freedom to know that the perma rush is off. I suppose you wouldn't know a rush was off unless you had lived in a big city previously. Either way, I appreciate. I suppose Everwood is easier to take knowing that Denver is three hours away.
hmmmm
hmmmm
Tuesday, 1 April 2008
April! C'est Avril!
mmmmirony.
I love how I asked God for $300 tonight and instead He took 50.
I laugh at this. I think it's funny and I'm interested in what's next.
I love how I asked God for $300 tonight and instead He took 50.
I laugh at this. I think it's funny and I'm interested in what's next.
Monday, 31 March 2008
so...
there is a Redeemer
I sing it, I say it, I claim it sometimes...
but it was only today that I found a real personal way of grasping it.
I always think of lost and dead people being redeemed from their fate and brought found-ness and life. Sometimes I think about coupons.
J'adore le chanson avec ces mots pour le titre. "...Jesus, God's own Son / Precious Lamb of God, Messiah / Holy One." C'est belle and I even love the melody for how it fits in my throat.
yesterday morning I was forced to realize that sometimes I CANNOT AFFECT THE CHANGE THAT I WISH TO. What's more, I usually cannot affect change by doing the SAME THING over and over, only changing my mindset or "determination". Il ne marche pas. I have been extremely slow in grasping this. I don't WANT to grasp it because it means I am incapable. Yes.
It's been a few weeks that I have been studying self-discipline in the lives of people around me and a realization has been sneakily brewing in my brain during this time. Now I finally approach the cauldron and see that REMOVING temptation or distractions can be PART OF self-discipline. My previous understanding was that you can't choose to abstain from something if you don't even have access to it. It's like saying, "I love you," because someone told you to. Hm. Or, claiming you're helping the enviro by taking the bus today ..on the same day you can't find your car keys. But's not QUITE like that, not always. Sometimes, we need to turn our back and run in the other direction, cowardly as it appears. Honestly - we will find other things to be tempted by, things that we cannot remove so WHY NOT give ourselves a leg up in the ways that we CAN control?
(This is still hard for me to swallow but now I'm just seeing it plainly. I've been confronted. I must change.)
I suppose I also realized that I need to stop claiming that I don't want to change in this way when I haven't even given this way a fair chance. As in, trying it for one day (when 18 other incidental things could fully make it unpleasant, just by fluke) doesn't allow me to see the full benefits of a complete shift.
The other day someone described an immature person as one who says, "I won't do it because I don't want to."
That's me. Oh yes, it was Doctor Phil who said it. Yes. That's me. That is me. I need to deal with it.
You know, sometimes God's grace feels like coarse sandpaper.
"No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it." Mmmm.
Hebrews 12:11
I love that at this moment un chanson qui s'appelle Your Grace is Enough is playing. Indeed.
Remember Your promise.
I sing it, I say it, I claim it sometimes...
but it was only today that I found a real personal way of grasping it.
I always think of lost and dead people being redeemed from their fate and brought found-ness and life. Sometimes I think about coupons.
J'adore le chanson avec ces mots pour le titre. "...Jesus, God's own Son / Precious Lamb of God, Messiah / Holy One." C'est belle and I even love the melody for how it fits in my throat.
yesterday morning I was forced to realize that sometimes I CANNOT AFFECT THE CHANGE THAT I WISH TO. What's more, I usually cannot affect change by doing the SAME THING over and over, only changing my mindset or "determination". Il ne marche pas. I have been extremely slow in grasping this. I don't WANT to grasp it because it means I am incapable. Yes.
It's been a few weeks that I have been studying self-discipline in the lives of people around me and a realization has been sneakily brewing in my brain during this time. Now I finally approach the cauldron and see that REMOVING temptation or distractions can be PART OF self-discipline. My previous understanding was that you can't choose to abstain from something if you don't even have access to it. It's like saying, "I love you," because someone told you to. Hm. Or, claiming you're helping the enviro by taking the bus today ..on the same day you can't find your car keys. But's not QUITE like that, not always. Sometimes, we need to turn our back and run in the other direction, cowardly as it appears. Honestly - we will find other things to be tempted by, things that we cannot remove so WHY NOT give ourselves a leg up in the ways that we CAN control?
(This is still hard for me to swallow but now I'm just seeing it plainly. I've been confronted. I must change.)
I suppose I also realized that I need to stop claiming that I don't want to change in this way when I haven't even given this way a fair chance. As in, trying it for one day (when 18 other incidental things could fully make it unpleasant, just by fluke) doesn't allow me to see the full benefits of a complete shift.
The other day someone described an immature person as one who says, "I won't do it because I don't want to."
That's me. Oh yes, it was Doctor Phil who said it. Yes. That's me. That is me. I need to deal with it.
You know, sometimes God's grace feels like coarse sandpaper.
"No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it." Mmmm.
Hebrews 12:11
I love that at this moment un chanson qui s'appelle Your Grace is Enough is playing. Indeed.
Remember Your promise.
Saturday, 29 March 2008
"Ali" (2001)
During the final fight I had to wonder whether the men's shorts were the same color in this film as they were in the real fight. I am very curious about how the director & writers chose which details to mimic entirely and which they would modify (how and why, etc.).
I like that the style of film was documentarish. (Unsteady camera, people walking through shots, unusual vantage points...) I got the impression (from the cast, the plot and the tone) that the film was all about respect for Ali himself. It was just drenched in it. The thing could have been flashier, it could have been different but wasn't.
I was very pleased to see so many send-ups to When We Were Kings (1996). That helps with the respect factor, too.
Smith's portrayal of Ali was mesmerizing.
I didn't know Jamie Foxx nor Jon Voigt were in this film - turns out I didn't know much about this film at all. It's strange to me to think that it flew so swiftly under my radar. I just didn't have a file on it at all.
Both of those actors did a wonderful job, too. They weren't themselves at all.
Watching Malcom X's assassination evoked a response in me that I didn't expect. Firstly, using a shotgun just seems more cruel than anything. Then the two follow-up shots, calculated and unafraid, send a message that I don't want to try to interpret. I suppose what surprized me most about my reaction was that I barely knew the character, as far as attachment bred by the film goes. (Usually they want us to love someone before they take em away. Unless it's a bad guy. I didn't realize what his assasination meant until a moment later. I was just shocked because of the way it happened, because..I guess...he's a man, a person.)
9.2/10
I like that the style of film was documentarish. (Unsteady camera, people walking through shots, unusual vantage points...) I got the impression (from the cast, the plot and the tone) that the film was all about respect for Ali himself. It was just drenched in it. The thing could have been flashier, it could have been different but wasn't.
I was very pleased to see so many send-ups to When We Were Kings (1996). That helps with the respect factor, too.
Smith's portrayal of Ali was mesmerizing.
I didn't know Jamie Foxx nor Jon Voigt were in this film - turns out I didn't know much about this film at all. It's strange to me to think that it flew so swiftly under my radar. I just didn't have a file on it at all.
Both of those actors did a wonderful job, too. They weren't themselves at all.
Watching Malcom X's assassination evoked a response in me that I didn't expect. Firstly, using a shotgun just seems more cruel than anything. Then the two follow-up shots, calculated and unafraid, send a message that I don't want to try to interpret. I suppose what surprized me most about my reaction was that I barely knew the character, as far as attachment bred by the film goes. (Usually they want us to love someone before they take em away. Unless it's a bad guy. I didn't realize what his assasination meant until a moment later. I was just shocked because of the way it happened, because..I guess...he's a man, a person.)
9.2/10
my favorite ultimatum
"Now or never."
it's just good.
I think that's how I'm going to ask someone to marry me. Not for serious...just to make some awkwardness. BOOya.
it's just good.
I think that's how I'm going to ask someone to marry me. Not for serious...just to make some awkwardness. BOOya.
Wednesday, 26 March 2008
six-word life story close reading
the (untapped potential/second chance) King.
-anything that describes my life has got to mention God, if it's not some explicit, "I am a child of God," kind of statement. I wanted to write something more personal than that but I DID want to make sure that the God part got precidence.
So, if we say the brackets enclose something useful but not necessary to the sentence my life is "the King". If I weren't trying to give props, there'd be a capital T on "the".
-the slash wasn't my first choice to separate untapped potential and second chance but I ran out of word space by the time I knew what I wanted to write. now "untapped potential and second chance" sounds weird. I like putting two non-identical things on either side of a slash
-I like 1 (2/2) 1 ..... symmetry...accidental symmetry is my friend.
-the bracketed phrase is my understanding of Grace.
--it's not second, third, fourth, nth chances that I get, it's a second chance every time because Love keeps no record of wrong and I cling to that.
--untapped potential is not, generally speaking, something I see in myself or think about often BUT I know that God's ability to see it is why He issues those second chances.
-the brackets mean that I am the untapped potential and second chance king as well as being fully represented by just the King by Himself.
I suppose I could have written [k]King. second chances, lost opportunities, self-handicapping, self-sabotaging and the partial conviction that I can do better, that there is something better out there for me, that He has a plan, that He knows the plans He has for me...plans to prosper and not to harm - this is what marks my life quite distinctly. I'm the king of it.
-anything that describes my life has got to mention God, if it's not some explicit, "I am a child of God," kind of statement. I wanted to write something more personal than that but I DID want to make sure that the God part got precidence.
So, if we say the brackets enclose something useful but not necessary to the sentence my life is "the King". If I weren't trying to give props, there'd be a capital T on "the".
-the slash wasn't my first choice to separate untapped potential and second chance but I ran out of word space by the time I knew what I wanted to write. now "untapped potential and second chance" sounds weird. I like putting two non-identical things on either side of a slash
-I like 1 (2/2) 1 ..... symmetry...accidental symmetry is my friend.
-the bracketed phrase is my understanding of Grace.
--it's not second, third, fourth, nth chances that I get, it's a second chance every time because Love keeps no record of wrong and I cling to that.
--untapped potential is not, generally speaking, something I see in myself or think about often BUT I know that God's ability to see it is why He issues those second chances.
-the brackets mean that I am the untapped potential and second chance king as well as being fully represented by just the King by Himself.
I suppose I could have written [k]King. second chances, lost opportunities, self-handicapping, self-sabotaging and the partial conviction that I can do better, that there is something better out there for me, that He has a plan, that He knows the plans He has for me...plans to prosper and not to harm - this is what marks my life quite distinctly. I'm the king of it.
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