..I'm a useless human being. I know this as I realize I have never seen The Phantom of the Opera, on stage, on film; I have never listened to the entire score (or more than the most famous..two songs) and really, I don't even know what it's about. There's a disfigured guy who lives in a...something place with organs...and a girl...and there is probably some seduction and creepering going on but that's it.
I think I just long time ago decided I didn't care for the story...now I wonder why.
I just watched Sarah Brightman (is she British? she must be..) and Antonio Banderas sing that title song. I had no idea that Banderas man could sing. He's not stellar but he did well. Also, I had no idea his accent was so thick. I like it. I like him. He's cool. My brother once called him "Ontario Bandanas" by accident. That's what my family sometimes calls him.
I suppose now I must resolve to um... not hate The Phantom and perhaps seek out an acquaintanceship. Done.
.."Music of the Night". That's the other one. I just saw Will Ferrell sing it. I'm a little disturbed.
Tuesday, 16 September 2008
Monday, 15 September 2008
"What are you - some kind of tooth dentist?"
(I really enjoy that line. ... Should I enjoy it less because I said it? hahaahhah nope..it's still making me giggle. Sir Gigs-A-Lot.)
The following are three excerpts from a magazine I was reading recently. My own comments are in the square brackets.
1 - "Answer Fella." Esquire January 2008: 34.
I'm a fit, attractive woman of 60 frequently taken for ten years younger. I find myself wildly attracted to men half my age. I'm not looking for marriage, just a sweet dalliance with a young man (with muscles). How do I improve my chances?
[The journalist's answer begins by joking about how he is attracted her and an official prouncement of her COUGAR status. He then lists some websites designed to hook cougars up with their prey and refrences a book, Cougar: A Guide for Old Women Dating Younger Men, by Valerie Gibson, which says cougars can really meet eligible young men just about anywhere.]
Ms Gibson also offers some rules: "'Don't think long-term' is the most important. You'll get your heart broken or you'll get really silly thoughts. Feel sexy, be sexy. Keep your mouth shut about your age. Also, screw everybody who says you shouldn't be doing this--ignore them".
[I was going to comment on these closing remarks, to explain WHY I decided to quote this particular article but now I feel like I'd be too obvious and am going to try to let the text speak for itself.]
2 - Woods, Stacey Grenrock. "Sex." Esquire January 2008: 32.
I was in the porn business for 22 years. I've seen everything a human has and what he or she can do with it. Now that I'm retired, though, I can't get these images out of my head. I just don't care about sex anymore. Please tell me what to do.
[The answer to this question was extremely rude and abrupt and irrelevant to what I'm interested in. I suppose...I suppose, actually I don't have too much to say about this one either, except that it makes my heart sink. I KNOW this stuff. I KNOW that people feel this way, that they end up this way but, most days, I don't feel like I can do anything about it. It's useful to me to hear someone from the belly of the beast explain their position because my rantings aren't always so useful in waking people up to the reality of corrupt sexual practices. What a world...and we're corrupting ONE ANOTHER - there's no mysterious tertiary force at work here, no sir.]
3 - Jones, Tim. "January Dilemma No. 2: You're not sure whether ice is safe to walk on." Esquire January 2008: 32.
{1} If there are already four or five people gathered on the ice in one place, then you can be pretty sure you'll be okay. Unless they're all named Jesus.
[There were two other tips to this one that...I didn't laugh at (though they were useful) but this first guy is worth posting, I do declare.]
The following are three excerpts from a magazine I was reading recently. My own comments are in the square brackets.
1 - "Answer Fella." Esquire January 2008: 34.
I'm a fit, attractive woman of 60 frequently taken for ten years younger. I find myself wildly attracted to men half my age. I'm not looking for marriage, just a sweet dalliance with a young man (with muscles). How do I improve my chances?
[The journalist's answer begins by joking about how he is attracted her and an official prouncement of her COUGAR status. He then lists some websites designed to hook cougars up with their prey and refrences a book, Cougar: A Guide for Old Women Dating Younger Men, by Valerie Gibson, which says cougars can really meet eligible young men just about anywhere.]
Ms Gibson also offers some rules: "'Don't think long-term' is the most important. You'll get your heart broken or you'll get really silly thoughts. Feel sexy, be sexy. Keep your mouth shut about your age. Also, screw everybody who says you shouldn't be doing this--ignore them".
[I was going to comment on these closing remarks, to explain WHY I decided to quote this particular article but now I feel like I'd be too obvious and am going to try to let the text speak for itself.]
2 - Woods, Stacey Grenrock. "Sex." Esquire January 2008: 32.
I was in the porn business for 22 years. I've seen everything a human has and what he or she can do with it. Now that I'm retired, though, I can't get these images out of my head. I just don't care about sex anymore. Please tell me what to do.
[The answer to this question was extremely rude and abrupt and irrelevant to what I'm interested in. I suppose...I suppose, actually I don't have too much to say about this one either, except that it makes my heart sink. I KNOW this stuff. I KNOW that people feel this way, that they end up this way but, most days, I don't feel like I can do anything about it. It's useful to me to hear someone from the belly of the beast explain their position because my rantings aren't always so useful in waking people up to the reality of corrupt sexual practices. What a world...and we're corrupting ONE ANOTHER - there's no mysterious tertiary force at work here, no sir.]
3 - Jones, Tim. "January Dilemma No. 2: You're not sure whether ice is safe to walk on." Esquire January 2008: 32.
{1} If there are already four or five people gathered on the ice in one place, then you can be pretty sure you'll be okay. Unless they're all named Jesus.
[There were two other tips to this one that...I didn't laugh at (though they were useful) but this first guy is worth posting, I do declare.]
Saturday, 13 September 2008
I used to love drinking Sprite and eating 2-4-1 pizza.
We did that - our family and another family of a single mum and two boys who went to our school - every few weeks. We went to their house, ordered pizza (and pop, I guess) and then after we played games. It was kinda weird because we were never as great of friends with the boys as my mum thought we were but..well, there it. Since I hardly drink Sprite nowadays, the memory has stuck.
It was at their house that I first decided I did not like strawberries. I must have had one that was rather t-t-tart and concluded it wasn't the fruit for me. Others were rolling theirs in granulated sugar which I think I tried but I figured if I had to doctor it so much what was the point? I don't like making excuses for something to taste good. I missed out, methinks. Strawberries have become my friends in recent years and I am glad for this.
It was at their house that I first decided I did not like strawberries. I must have had one that was rather t-t-tart and concluded it wasn't the fruit for me. Others were rolling theirs in granulated sugar which I think I tried but I figured if I had to doctor it so much what was the point? I don't like making excuses for something to taste good. I missed out, methinks. Strawberries have become my friends in recent years and I am glad for this.
Tuesday, 9 September 2008
I'm addicted to speeding.
I'm not addicted, really but I'm surprized that recent events have shown me as a lover of fast drivage. On the other hand, I discovered tonight that I enjoy having control over a vehicle more than getting there quicker.
Today I got a take-out container (not take-out..like take-home) that was made of thick cardboard, instead of polystyrene. It made me more happy than life.
Yesterday I found out about our flats in Edinburgh. Today it seems a little weirder. I'm trying to pick up my feet and I think it's getting better, day by day.
Today I got a take-out container (not take-out..like take-home) that was made of thick cardboard, instead of polystyrene. It made me more happy than life.
Yesterday I found out about our flats in Edinburgh. Today it seems a little weirder. I'm trying to pick up my feet and I think it's getting better, day by day.
Sunday, 7 September 2008
Saturday, 6 September 2008
wah, wah, wah!
I know exactly what I want right now, to assuage what afflicts me, but I'm pretty sure I don't need it and completely certain that it would be very inappropriate and unfair to others so, I resist.
It's good to write a blog post, though. It's something that I didn't think would make sense to me to write right now but a few things in the same vein have caught my attention recently and I wanted to catalog them.
I was inspired to do so by this quote I just read on someone's FB profile:
I feel that is excellent, gorgeous, wonderful advice -- seriously. It is VERY much easier said than done but I know I do not want to settle for anything less.
(1) On Monday night I watched American Psycho (2000) and by way of introduction, we observe the main character's morning routine he gives a play-by-play voice-over, explaining each part of the almost obsessive ritual along with the reason and benefits for each. Artistically speaking, aesthetically speaking, dramatically speaking, I thought the segment was brilliant. I thought it was very well done, esp in terms of colors and blocking and editing.
BUT there were quite a few shots where the main character (as played by Christian Bale, who already gives me problems) was only wearing pants. (It makes sense when you're brushing your teeth or doing exercises, etc., all alone in yer own apartment.) Bale really had to bulk up for this film to make the character work so there's no way around seeing all the fruits of his labor. Then there was this one shot from behind, you see from like mid-back to mid-calf of Patrick on his way into the shower and I instinctively (instinctively?) looked away and said, "Woo... I don't know if I can handle this..."
I waited til it sounded like I could look again, all the while trying to decide whether I should turn the thing off or not. If it looked like that'd be an isolated incident then I'd press on. But, if this was the standard being set here...would I really have the conviction to stop a perfectly good ("perfectly good") film that I paid for and just go to bed? I didn't want to do that. It felt wussy and wasteful and weak. I like watching films. I like building my repertoire, I like cross-referencing, I like appreciating actors for diversity of roles so I just didn't want to give this up. I wonder, if it was more sexed, whether I would have. I certainly should have.
My words surprized myself, honestly. The word handle, in particular, is what got me. It was like saying, "I recognize my problem and I assess that this situation holds more temptation than I can bear." How loser of a thing to say is that?! Gosh. At the same time, I was slightly impressed with myself but the overall feeling is confusion.
(2) Earlier today my housemate came home and told me about the "hot guy" who was working on the house across the street. She thought I should go and take a look. I'm not sure if she wanted me to go upstairs and peep at that moment, or if I should just look when we were to leave the house shortly. Either way, my initial thought was: "There's no way I'm going OUT of my way to ogle some physically attractive man." It's one thing when I'm walking down the street, it's another when I rubberneck or make jokes, but to seek out, after I've been told, "This is what you should expect," is a different animal altogether.
This one wasn't even a "should I/shouldn't I" battle; I just didn't want to go. The idea repulsed me. I was pretty sure it'd be a pleasant sight but the thought of pursuing an object for lust or, at best, admiration, was just terrible.
I'm thankful.
I don't think I have a conclusion, either one for the post or one on the subject so I'll just leave this guy as is.
It's good to write a blog post, though. It's something that I didn't think would make sense to me to write right now but a few things in the same vein have caught my attention recently and I wanted to catalog them.
I was inspired to do so by this quote I just read on someone's FB profile:
Bury your heart so deep in God that the guy who wants it has to seek God to find it.
I feel that is excellent, gorgeous, wonderful advice -- seriously. It is VERY much easier said than done but I know I do not want to settle for anything less.
(1) On Monday night I watched American Psycho (2000) and by way of introduction, we observe the main character's morning routine he gives a play-by-play voice-over, explaining each part of the almost obsessive ritual along with the reason and benefits for each. Artistically speaking, aesthetically speaking, dramatically speaking, I thought the segment was brilliant. I thought it was very well done, esp in terms of colors and blocking and editing.
BUT there were quite a few shots where the main character (as played by Christian Bale, who already gives me problems) was only wearing pants. (It makes sense when you're brushing your teeth or doing exercises, etc., all alone in yer own apartment.) Bale really had to bulk up for this film to make the character work so there's no way around seeing all the fruits of his labor. Then there was this one shot from behind, you see from like mid-back to mid-calf of Patrick on his way into the shower and I instinctively (instinctively?) looked away and said, "Woo... I don't know if I can handle this..."
I waited til it sounded like I could look again, all the while trying to decide whether I should turn the thing off or not. If it looked like that'd be an isolated incident then I'd press on. But, if this was the standard being set here...would I really have the conviction to stop a perfectly good ("perfectly good") film that I paid for and just go to bed? I didn't want to do that. It felt wussy and wasteful and weak. I like watching films. I like building my repertoire, I like cross-referencing, I like appreciating actors for diversity of roles so I just didn't want to give this up. I wonder, if it was more sexed, whether I would have. I certainly should have.
My words surprized myself, honestly. The word handle, in particular, is what got me. It was like saying, "I recognize my problem and I assess that this situation holds more temptation than I can bear." How loser of a thing to say is that?! Gosh. At the same time, I was slightly impressed with myself but the overall feeling is confusion.
(2) Earlier today my housemate came home and told me about the "hot guy" who was working on the house across the street. She thought I should go and take a look. I'm not sure if she wanted me to go upstairs and peep at that moment, or if I should just look when we were to leave the house shortly. Either way, my initial thought was: "There's no way I'm going OUT of my way to ogle some physically attractive man." It's one thing when I'm walking down the street, it's another when I rubberneck or make jokes, but to seek out, after I've been told, "This is what you should expect," is a different animal altogether.
This one wasn't even a "should I/shouldn't I" battle; I just didn't want to go. The idea repulsed me. I was pretty sure it'd be a pleasant sight but the thought of pursuing an object for lust or, at best, admiration, was just terrible.
I'm thankful.
I don't think I have a conclusion, either one for the post or one on the subject so I'll just leave this guy as is.
Wednesday, 3 September 2008
today has been an utterly disappointing day and I'm not quite sure why. I mean..I could recite all the events but um...why they all happened today, why they were so disappointing, I don't know.
I'm really starting to notice my up-and-down-ing of life. It's pretty regular, like a sine wave...a sin wave, maybe.
So, what's the best way to prevent oneself from comparing one life to another? Comment est-ce qu'on fait ca? This just getting out of hand.
It's like I don't know what to do with myself. It's like I mill around waiting for something to beckon and then I go mental for a little spurt....then I'm exhausted and need to flop down again. It's a stupid cycle, if you ask me.
I'm trying to say something but it won't come out. I'll prolly delete this post by morning.
I'm really starting to notice my up-and-down-ing of life. It's pretty regular, like a sine wave...a sin wave, maybe.
So, what's the best way to prevent oneself from comparing one life to another? Comment est-ce qu'on fait ca? This just getting out of hand.
It's like I don't know what to do with myself. It's like I mill around waiting for something to beckon and then I go mental for a little spurt....then I'm exhausted and need to flop down again. It's a stupid cycle, if you ask me.
I'm trying to say something but it won't come out. I'll prolly delete this post by morning.
Tuesday, 2 September 2008
"American Psycho" (2000)
This film has me absolutely fascinated.
I'm interested in what the director's ideas were on visual stuff.
I'm also wondering how Christian Bale got to be such an amazing actor. He is so much better with comedy than I expected...
Hmmm and this main character here, Patrick Bateman, he is very quirky. I'd like to call him complex but I'm not sure he is. Er maybe that's too simple or too easy a diagnosis.
The thing with the business cards is absolutely bizarre but extremely funny in a sort of special currency/microcosm kind of way.
His plastic businessman smile is great for how plastic and slimy it is and how it works in the business context.
He's a surprizingly bad liar under pressure. He has a lot of sex for someone who doesn't enjoy it.
I have heard that serial killers are typically very neat and meticulous. He is very neat and meticulous. His appartment is quite white and sterile. His utensil drawer has each item spaced about and inch and a half from the next, as if it's in a museum display not there for proper usage.
His facial expressions are unbelieveably telling nad unbelieveably layered. He said (as the narrator) that he only had two discernable emotions, disgust and anger.
I'm seeing a different side of prostitution in this...
Friday, 29 August 2008
What an incredible feeling, to be so loved.
Today, some of my friends showed me how they loved me. Today has been an incredible day.
I'm so afraid of writing this post because I am SURE that I cannot do such a "day" justice. What's worse, I don't think the GOOD parts of this day will seem as good with out the context of the BAD parts of this day but...I don't really want to talk about the bad parts because, well, I'm ashamed of myself.
This morning I first woke up at 6.44 am because someone left the house noisily (this is not a complaint but rather a fact). I stayed up til about 7.15 doing some stuff on the computer then had big plans for snoozing til 8 because I wasn't actually so tired that I couldn't see (as I normally am at that time of day) and I liked the idea of getting an early start on a day that was set to be rather busy.
My friend called at 9 to say she was a-ready and available to come over and help me with moving but that she didn't have the car. I had neglected to mention, when I asked for her help, that I was hoping to use the wheels. My bad. So, out of stupidity or childishness but certainly disappointment, I listened to her voice mail but kept on sleeping, claiming I would get up round 9.30.
I ignored a call from my support coach at 10.30 which I KNEW was going to come at 10.30 and said I would just go get showered n' whatever and call her back, ideally before 11am.
I didn't actually get my life out of "bed" until about 12.30.
BLECCCCH.
I hate waking up late. It makes me feel incredibly disgusting and self-loathing. Then I had to call people back. I actually had to face those two and tell them why I hadn't kept my word. I hate this. When I start a day off crap, I always want to continue in my firstly hours all by myself, so I can work through things. (I'm yet unsure whether this is a good or bad thing.)
I called my moving friend back and we discussed our miscommunication. Then she told me about a few things that she had been working through (largely thanks to Mere Christianity...oh C.S. Lews, you obedient man, you) and we had an awesome discussion about it. Like it was animated and personal; iron sharpening iron; confess your sins to one another, just all around good. I'm far better with her on the telephone than I am in person - go figure.
How is it
or rather,
why is it
that the people I know, a fair chunk of them, respect me?
Why do people...talk to me like I'm ...not a pile of uselessness? How cuz no one sees me the way I do? What's wrong with me?
Today I had a moment of transparency with a friend who I never thought I would have one with. I did feel a little embarassed for what I was saying (rightly so because it was dumb) but WOW what an incredibly freeing feeling to know you're being full-on open and honest, vulnerable, holding nothing back and leaving yourself WIDE open to being rejected. It's good. I have recently taken to prefacing such confessions with, "I'm just gonna have a moment of transparency here," or something to that effect just so my listener can pick up what I'm putting down. He took it well. But he also didn't fawn all over me or give me cheap affirmation. It was good. ... But I've slipped out of my chronology here....
So after with her, the moving friend, I went downtown to deposit some cash. I....don't believe God sometimes, I really don't. I didn't even ask Him for help this time because I was prepared to keep on squeaking by as long as I needed to until I wasn't squeaking. I've had about $25 since Monday (my account went into the red, thanks to a cheque I forgot about) and I have no idea how far it would have lasted. It's one thing to just eke by but it's another to try to do ministry/support raising, esp when I need to leave town this weekend. I'd have been somewhat miserable, I promise you.
This afternoon I find a lovely friend of mine has given me a random ("random") gift to help with my non-ministry ministry expenses. I'm...amazed. It's just so random. And honestly, this time I kept my bank balance all to myself because really - there are only so many times one can play the same sad song. But He saw it. He saw what I needed and He provided and I'm disgusted by my own unbelief. I'm disgusted with how oftenly I try to go my own way.
On Friday or Saturday of last week I asked Him straight-up to humble me. (I ask for that every now and then because He delivers, oh yes.) I think this is just Phase One.
When I came home, I ate delicious Olivieri tortellini (mmm!) and watched half the bonus disc from the Die Hard box set which also made me happy. Then I decided to practice my vision/calling/support presentation because I'm tired of fumbling through it and doing a medoicre job. It's unfair to those I meet with and it causes me more distress than I am prepared to accept.
It took me a very long while and one HUGELY immoral distraction to finally get down to it but I got down to it. All the while I was waiting for my self to catch up with myself, I half prayed, "God, help me with this. God please make some kind of miracle...God, help me to focus." It wasn't even easy when I did start speaking aloud but it got better. I fine-tuned and re-worked; I felt good about it, my short-term memory was playing nice..it was an awesome experience that I think I'll stop describing.
I'm reminded now of part of the conversation I had with my moving friend earlier on today. We talked about the principle which says, what you feed lives and what you starve dies. What's key about this phrase is its graduality. It means that the seemingly unconquerable IS conquerable IF you are committed and consistent. By the grace of God, we're not stuck in an all-or-nothing obstacle course. You don't starve something by withholding one meal but neither do you undo a three-months-empty stomach's work by slipping in a snack. NO, it doesn't help you but neither is it the end of the world. I like this. I enjoy (on some level) the gritty up-hill climb of beating sins or side-thorns such as these.
Today and in the past few days I have asked God to give me a passion for sharing my vision. I want Him to make this simpler for me, to give me a proper motivation and direction. I didn't realize until this moment that the reason that BOTH of my support appointments this evening went so swell-ly was that I was through every part of me enjoying just talking about the things of God, the things of ministry and the things of life. I worked hard on being ready to give to proper presentations today and when I asked my audiences what format they'd prefer, both rather [confidently] chose the "informal" and I breathed a sigh of relief with a silent thanks. Twas good.
I can't overstate the joys of wearing a bra that fits and stays where it should. Today I wore such a bra. Oh, what a glorious feeling.
Today I got a call from my friendy friend who just wanted to say hello. Nope, the exact words were, "I was just looking for a voice on the other end of the line," which isn't actually as desperate or cheeseball as it sounds. The point was that it wasn't a business or direct-question kind of call, just a hi-hi. I like those kind of calls.
I enjoyed the moment where he asked what I was doing and I said, "icing a cake!" There was definitely an exclamation point at the end and then I told him after he said "oh" or whatever, that I was, "so happy that I could say that and actually mean it. 'I'm icing a cake!'" hahahaa
(What's more, the cake turned out famously and was thoroughly enjoyed by my birthday-having friend.)
He got back yesterday and we talked briefly. I should have been more excited since he's been gone for a while and I DID enjoy seeing him but wasn't...overly ecstatic or any such thing. And I got the distinct impression that I needed to give him some breathing room. Here's the fun part - he asked if I wanted to play Scrabble (tomorrow). HOW NERD IS THAT??? Hahah of course I said yes. Of course. And then he said I could use his car to move house tomorrow. So...that was a great conversation.
I packed up the cake and headed over to sup appt number one. I was told there would be tea so I figured that a sweety dessert would be a nice accompaniment. Then I figured a cake would work since his berf day had just passed. It worked well. He loved it..I loved it...the tea was awesome, actually from Darjeeling in India..free-floatin leaves..no sugar. It was really good. This is the moment I realize with some sadness how much I have missed out on all these years I've boycotted tea. Hmm....:(
We talked about many many things and I realized that we had a real friendship. I realized that we weren't mere acquaintances and that this wasn't a business meeting. I realized that he didn't only see me as his number one fan (which I am -- he's a REWDE musician) which is rather freeing. I don't mind being only only a fan because shoot...that's some good music. But it's cool to have more than one dimension.
There were a few moments where his face changed enough to show that he was more than passionate about what he was saying. It wasn't like, "Ooh I love this," kind of passion but rather, "This is what unnerves me," and I really appreciated that. He was talking about something that, potentially, could have been very offensive to me OR at least flown in the face what I believe....but it was not offensive or abraisive at all. I was very pleased to hear all that and see his conviction. I rebutted, I agreed, half-agreed, clarified, connected, related, etc.; vouched, admitted and basically showed where I stood. It was....awesome. I really enjoyed myself, especially in that moment where I stopped talking and looked at him to see him take a half a moment to click back into reality, "Yeah. ...Yeah, I appreciate what you just said." Oh, how good it is to connect. I am...blessed beyond repair. (27)
Lastly, the way he talked about prayer moved me. It shocked me into speechlessness briefly. I guess the truth is that I didn't realize this about him so I was genuinely surprized. Moreover the commitment he made to fasting and praying for me, the assurance he gave me that any issue or spiritual warfare or whatever that I shared would be taken to heart and interceded for was ..breath-taking. [I've sat for five minutes trying to come up with a better word but I give up.]
My other support appointment was enjoyable in a similar way, that I got to have a real conversation with someone I very rarely talk with, never at length and um...the hot chocolate was delightful. We talked about many things, too, and we connected over frustratious things (like the heart-break that comes with family or close friends going through crap when you CAN'T INTERVENE) and had some rando laughs. I really enjoy her father-in-law whom I hadn't met til today. Him and his son, her husband, are ridiculous together. The wife/mother/mother-in-law says, "They two of them together never age past ten." It was a great way to put it. Just delightful to watch. I enjoyed.
Before I went to this second appointment, I found that my partnership director and his wife wanted to support me for Scotty which..I find myself humbled by. (Phase Two?) He wrote it coupled with his response to an email I had written about some silly conviction of mine. I felt weird writing it. I knew what I meant and what I was sure about but it certainly could have looked preposterous or even pretentious. I can only hope it found him well.
When I got home tonight I found another gift toward support and...well...I stared at my computer screen for maybe five minutes as I tried and tried and tried to process. I had my face down in my hands off-and-on..I could only stare. I forced myself to move on (but I'm still boggled).
I've talked to this person oftenly enough to know just how SNEAKY of a contribution this was. I can't put it into words. You gotta know the friendship and this person to get it. I suppose what gets me is that I know how well they know me. I know that this is an, "I support you," statement. Understand that I understand it's not about me. That being said, I'm overwhelmed and humbled - yet again. (Phase Three?)
And now it's 2am. I've been typing for the better part of three hours and I think I've come close to expressing what I wanted to express. The moral of the story is: God is good. What's more, I had a moment while I was typing where I didn't cringe at the name Jesus. That's a good moment.
I'm so afraid of writing this post because I am SURE that I cannot do such a "day" justice. What's worse, I don't think the GOOD parts of this day will seem as good with out the context of the BAD parts of this day but...I don't really want to talk about the bad parts because, well, I'm ashamed of myself.
This morning I first woke up at 6.44 am because someone left the house noisily (this is not a complaint but rather a fact). I stayed up til about 7.15 doing some stuff on the computer then had big plans for snoozing til 8 because I wasn't actually so tired that I couldn't see (as I normally am at that time of day) and I liked the idea of getting an early start on a day that was set to be rather busy.
My friend called at 9 to say she was a-ready and available to come over and help me with moving but that she didn't have the car. I had neglected to mention, when I asked for her help, that I was hoping to use the wheels. My bad. So, out of stupidity or childishness but certainly disappointment, I listened to her voice mail but kept on sleeping, claiming I would get up round 9.30.
I ignored a call from my support coach at 10.30 which I KNEW was going to come at 10.30 and said I would just go get showered n' whatever and call her back, ideally before 11am.
I didn't actually get my life out of "bed" until about 12.30.
BLECCCCH.
I hate waking up late. It makes me feel incredibly disgusting and self-loathing. Then I had to call people back. I actually had to face those two and tell them why I hadn't kept my word. I hate this. When I start a day off crap, I always want to continue in my firstly hours all by myself, so I can work through things. (I'm yet unsure whether this is a good or bad thing.)
I called my moving friend back and we discussed our miscommunication. Then she told me about a few things that she had been working through (largely thanks to Mere Christianity...oh C.S. Lews, you obedient man, you) and we had an awesome discussion about it. Like it was animated and personal; iron sharpening iron; confess your sins to one another, just all around good. I'm far better with her on the telephone than I am in person - go figure.
How is it
or rather,
why is it
that the people I know, a fair chunk of them, respect me?
Why do people...talk to me like I'm ...not a pile of uselessness? How cuz no one sees me the way I do? What's wrong with me?
Today I had a moment of transparency with a friend who I never thought I would have one with. I did feel a little embarassed for what I was saying (rightly so because it was dumb) but WOW what an incredibly freeing feeling to know you're being full-on open and honest, vulnerable, holding nothing back and leaving yourself WIDE open to being rejected. It's good. I have recently taken to prefacing such confessions with, "I'm just gonna have a moment of transparency here," or something to that effect just so my listener can pick up what I'm putting down. He took it well. But he also didn't fawn all over me or give me cheap affirmation. It was good. ... But I've slipped out of my chronology here....
So after with her, the moving friend, I went downtown to deposit some cash. I....don't believe God sometimes, I really don't. I didn't even ask Him for help this time because I was prepared to keep on squeaking by as long as I needed to until I wasn't squeaking. I've had about $25 since Monday (my account went into the red, thanks to a cheque I forgot about) and I have no idea how far it would have lasted. It's one thing to just eke by but it's another to try to do ministry/support raising, esp when I need to leave town this weekend. I'd have been somewhat miserable, I promise you.
This afternoon I find a lovely friend of mine has given me a random ("random") gift to help with my non-ministry ministry expenses. I'm...amazed. It's just so random. And honestly, this time I kept my bank balance all to myself because really - there are only so many times one can play the same sad song. But He saw it. He saw what I needed and He provided and I'm disgusted by my own unbelief. I'm disgusted with how oftenly I try to go my own way.
On Friday or Saturday of last week I asked Him straight-up to humble me. (I ask for that every now and then because He delivers, oh yes.) I think this is just Phase One.
When I came home, I ate delicious Olivieri tortellini (mmm!) and watched half the bonus disc from the Die Hard box set which also made me happy. Then I decided to practice my vision/calling/support presentation because I'm tired of fumbling through it and doing a medoicre job. It's unfair to those I meet with and it causes me more distress than I am prepared to accept.
It took me a very long while and one HUGELY immoral distraction to finally get down to it but I got down to it. All the while I was waiting for my self to catch up with myself, I half prayed, "God, help me with this. God please make some kind of miracle...God, help me to focus." It wasn't even easy when I did start speaking aloud but it got better. I fine-tuned and re-worked; I felt good about it, my short-term memory was playing nice..it was an awesome experience that I think I'll stop describing.
I'm reminded now of part of the conversation I had with my moving friend earlier on today. We talked about the principle which says, what you feed lives and what you starve dies. What's key about this phrase is its graduality. It means that the seemingly unconquerable IS conquerable IF you are committed and consistent. By the grace of God, we're not stuck in an all-or-nothing obstacle course. You don't starve something by withholding one meal but neither do you undo a three-months-empty stomach's work by slipping in a snack. NO, it doesn't help you but neither is it the end of the world. I like this. I enjoy (on some level) the gritty up-hill climb of beating sins or side-thorns such as these.
Today and in the past few days I have asked God to give me a passion for sharing my vision. I want Him to make this simpler for me, to give me a proper motivation and direction. I didn't realize until this moment that the reason that BOTH of my support appointments this evening went so swell-ly was that I was through every part of me enjoying just talking about the things of God, the things of ministry and the things of life. I worked hard on being ready to give to proper presentations today and when I asked my audiences what format they'd prefer, both rather [confidently] chose the "informal" and I breathed a sigh of relief with a silent thanks. Twas good.
I can't overstate the joys of wearing a bra that fits and stays where it should. Today I wore such a bra. Oh, what a glorious feeling.
Today I got a call from my friendy friend who just wanted to say hello. Nope, the exact words were, "I was just looking for a voice on the other end of the line," which isn't actually as desperate or cheeseball as it sounds. The point was that it wasn't a business or direct-question kind of call, just a hi-hi. I like those kind of calls.
I enjoyed the moment where he asked what I was doing and I said, "icing a cake!" There was definitely an exclamation point at the end and then I told him after he said "oh" or whatever, that I was, "so happy that I could say that and actually mean it. 'I'm icing a cake!'" hahahaa
(What's more, the cake turned out famously and was thoroughly enjoyed by my birthday-having friend.)
He got back yesterday and we talked briefly. I should have been more excited since he's been gone for a while and I DID enjoy seeing him but wasn't...overly ecstatic or any such thing. And I got the distinct impression that I needed to give him some breathing room. Here's the fun part - he asked if I wanted to play Scrabble (tomorrow). HOW NERD IS THAT??? Hahah of course I said yes. Of course. And then he said I could use his car to move house tomorrow. So...that was a great conversation.
I packed up the cake and headed over to sup appt number one. I was told there would be tea so I figured that a sweety dessert would be a nice accompaniment. Then I figured a cake would work since his berf day had just passed. It worked well. He loved it..I loved it...the tea was awesome, actually from Darjeeling in India..free-floatin leaves..no sugar. It was really good. This is the moment I realize with some sadness how much I have missed out on all these years I've boycotted tea. Hmm....:(
We talked about many many things and I realized that we had a real friendship. I realized that we weren't mere acquaintances and that this wasn't a business meeting. I realized that he didn't only see me as his number one fan (which I am -- he's a REWDE musician) which is rather freeing. I don't mind being only only a fan because shoot...that's some good music. But it's cool to have more than one dimension.
There were a few moments where his face changed enough to show that he was more than passionate about what he was saying. It wasn't like, "Ooh I love this," kind of passion but rather, "This is what unnerves me," and I really appreciated that. He was talking about something that, potentially, could have been very offensive to me OR at least flown in the face what I believe....but it was not offensive or abraisive at all. I was very pleased to hear all that and see his conviction. I rebutted, I agreed, half-agreed, clarified, connected, related, etc.; vouched, admitted and basically showed where I stood. It was....awesome. I really enjoyed myself, especially in that moment where I stopped talking and looked at him to see him take a half a moment to click back into reality, "Yeah. ...Yeah, I appreciate what you just said." Oh, how good it is to connect. I am...blessed beyond repair. (27)
Lastly, the way he talked about prayer moved me. It shocked me into speechlessness briefly. I guess the truth is that I didn't realize this about him so I was genuinely surprized. Moreover the commitment he made to fasting and praying for me, the assurance he gave me that any issue or spiritual warfare or whatever that I shared would be taken to heart and interceded for was ..breath-taking. [I've sat for five minutes trying to come up with a better word but I give up.]
My other support appointment was enjoyable in a similar way, that I got to have a real conversation with someone I very rarely talk with, never at length and um...the hot chocolate was delightful. We talked about many things, too, and we connected over frustratious things (like the heart-break that comes with family or close friends going through crap when you CAN'T INTERVENE) and had some rando laughs. I really enjoy her father-in-law whom I hadn't met til today. Him and his son, her husband, are ridiculous together. The wife/mother/mother-in-law says, "They two of them together never age past ten." It was a great way to put it. Just delightful to watch. I enjoyed.
Before I went to this second appointment, I found that my partnership director and his wife wanted to support me for Scotty which..I find myself humbled by. (Phase Two?) He wrote it coupled with his response to an email I had written about some silly conviction of mine. I felt weird writing it. I knew what I meant and what I was sure about but it certainly could have looked preposterous or even pretentious. I can only hope it found him well.
When I got home tonight I found another gift toward support and...well...I stared at my computer screen for maybe five minutes as I tried and tried and tried to process. I had my face down in my hands off-and-on..I could only stare. I forced myself to move on (but I'm still boggled).
I've talked to this person oftenly enough to know just how SNEAKY of a contribution this was. I can't put it into words. You gotta know the friendship and this person to get it. I suppose what gets me is that I know how well they know me. I know that this is an, "I support you," statement. Understand that I understand it's not about me. That being said, I'm overwhelmed and humbled - yet again. (Phase Three?)
And now it's 2am. I've been typing for the better part of three hours and I think I've come close to expressing what I wanted to express. The moral of the story is: God is good. What's more, I had a moment while I was typing where I didn't cringe at the name Jesus. That's a good moment.
Saturday, 23 August 2008
David Schwimmer makes me laugh
It's the best AND worst decision of the day. It wasn't today...a few days ago. A few days ago I stopped in Zellers to buy some Dove soap. I love Dove soap. When the last bar was gone I started using Ivory because I have a few bars of that around and it doesn't seem r-ight to keep buying morelies when I have "perfectly good"s here. Ivory hates my skin. It eats it with a rusted spoon and deadly knife. It's just horrible.
So, when that Ive was FINALEMENT gone, I went for another Dove and they didn't have regular (i.e. no sensitive skin or moisturizey skin) so I went with something called "go fresh / energize". Um... it smells awesome.
In the store I had the box right up to my nose and I inhaled for DEEPly. It smells like....manliness. That's not the right word but that's what it makes me think of. I don't know why I went through with buying it but that's why I call it the best and worst idea of the day. It smells awesome and on top of that, it has those lil scratchy beads in it which are very scrubberly. I don't know why I'm writing a blog post about soap but I am. Deal with it.
So, when that Ive was FINALEMENT gone, I went for another Dove and they didn't have regular (i.e. no sensitive skin or moisturizey skin) so I went with something called "go fresh / energize". Um... it smells awesome.
In the store I had the box right up to my nose and I inhaled for DEEPly. It smells like....manliness. That's not the right word but that's what it makes me think of. I don't know why I went through with buying it but that's why I call it the best and worst idea of the day. It smells awesome and on top of that, it has those lil scratchy beads in it which are very scrubberly. I don't know why I'm writing a blog post about soap but I am. Deal with it.
Friday, 22 August 2008
my favorite moment of the day so far:
I was putting Vaseline-y cream/skin moisturizer on my arms while some peeps were heading out the door and my littlest sister, of the four-year-old persuasion, asked me why I was doing what I was doing. Actually, she probably said, "What's that stuff foorrr?" but the R would have come out as a couple Es..don't ask how.
I told her it makes your skin soft so she asked for some. I blopped the bloops on her arm and told her to rub it in. Then she asked me if I could finish it off for her since it wasn't happening as quickly for her as twas for me. I did what we'd all do: I held her wrist with one hand and then used my other to disperse the cream but, because she is LITTLE among littleness, she definitely stumbled a step and a half forward with however much (little?) force I had used. I didn't use that much force. It was very cute.
I was putting Vaseline-y cream/skin moisturizer on my arms while some peeps were heading out the door and my littlest sister, of the four-year-old persuasion, asked me why I was doing what I was doing. Actually, she probably said, "What's that stuff foorrr?" but the R would have come out as a couple Es..don't ask how.
I told her it makes your skin soft so she asked for some. I blopped the bloops on her arm and told her to rub it in. Then she asked me if I could finish it off for her since it wasn't happening as quickly for her as twas for me. I did what we'd all do: I held her wrist with one hand and then used my other to disperse the cream but, because she is LITTLE among littleness, she definitely stumbled a step and a half forward with however much (little?) force I had used. I didn't use that much force. It was very cute.
Wednesday, 20 August 2008
I feel like Canada is Gordie Howe and China is Wayne Gretzky.
we have fewer medals in TOTAL than China has assists, a.k.a. silver medals. ridiculous.
de la selva
two terms I picked up from this guy I met at STInt training:
(1) the "wife-respecter". He used it where the rest of us use "wife-beater", the tank top-ish thing that is always white, sometimes made of that mottley material that long-johns are made of and are often heavily tied to the kind of men who would beat on their wives. A lil while ago I decided that I should avoid this term because I don't need to make light of domestic abuse, nor do I need to refer to it anymore frequently than is appropriate, lest I decrease my sensitivity.
(1) the "wife-respecter". He used it where the rest of us use "wife-beater", the tank top-ish thing that is always white, sometimes made of that mottley material that long-johns are made of and are often heavily tied to the kind of men who would beat on their wives. A lil while ago I decided that I should avoid this term because I don't need to make light of domestic abuse, nor do I need to refer to it anymore frequently than is appropriate, lest I decrease my sensitivity.
- What I enjoyed about the moment was that he slipped it into his sentence seamlessly (though that is how he talks all the time - he wasn't trying to pull a fast one on us) and not one of the other three people listening made a comment about it, let alone batted an eyelash. It's entiely possible that he was too quick for them to pick up on it, OR they've heard it before (and I'm the last to know), OR they're just too dang ol jaded. Either way, I enjoy that it works.
- What I enjoyed even morely was that satisfying click!-into-place that I felt when I heard the term and watched the reaction (or non-reaction). I have had a little void in my vocrabulary which has been crying out for a quicker-than-not way to refer to that particular article of clothing WITHOUT, as I mentioned above, making light or drawing unwarranted and gravity-decreasing attention. It's awkward to walk all the way round the block and up a ladder to get in the bathroom window....but I didn't get a single muddy footprnt on a carpet or handprint on a wall or doorknob and eventually I'll be rather adept with that alternate route.
(2) "color impartial". I've lost the original context - at least in specifics - but I can tell you generally that he was asserting that we, as a society, will never be able to be color blind. I suppose he meant that primarily in a literal way, that those of us who are blessed with sight cannot avoid noticing - or at least seeing - the color of other people. What's great about striving for impartiality (aside from it being a shout-out to James, chapter 2) is that it breathes reason and utility into what the phrase color blind intended. Without stepping into the argument on how much or whether we should "notice" color, I will claim that we should not concern ourselves with whether or not we see color, but rather whether we discriminate because of it.
Yes. "Color impartial." It works.
A friend of mine was refering to the Academy Awards ceremony where "all black actors won the major awards,"...I'm pretty sure it was just Best Actor and Best Actress and then Sidney P Toitier was given the Lifetime Achievement award but yeah - landslide or no, it was emphasized that some recipents were black. My friend stopped herself after that declaration and flusteredly tried to backtrack. "I don't mean to be racist or anything...."
...which I found rather irritating and frustrating as well as sad. It SADDENS me to think that we - the genral we, the majority of folk in Canada and the US - don't know what racism is anymore. The white man's been scared into submission and the oppressed are trying to "get theirs" in any way possible, doing little more than thicken the line between Us and Them. I tried to tell her, "If that's actually what happened, then NO, you're not racist; you're just describing events." She reluctantly assented -- but I'm not sure she was honestly convinced. We can hardly address a problem if we don't know what it looks like or where to find it. Pff....
Monday, 18 August 2008
Tuesday, 12 August 2008
"The Dark Knight" (2008) part two
I watched it again because me friend hadn't seen it and she wanted a buddy. I also watched it again because I missed the ending the first time.
:
I also watched it again because it really wants to be a big screen display. Once they leave theatres...they're probably not a-comin back. If they do, I'll be there.
There were two things I wanted to say; two details that I clearly missed the first time round.
Spoiler Alert: Don't read this post if you haven't seen The Dark Knight and don't like having advanced knowledge.
The only time that Batman goes home to Bruce Wayne's abode and doesn't assimilate back into Jekyll style, is after he loses someone dear in a brutal way. He sits in an armchair overlooking the city with this suit on but mask off. He sits and stares outward, clearly shaken and distracted enough by his distress that he couldn't even disrobe and consider the dangers of sitting exposed in front of his floor-to-ceiling windows. I like that the director thought of this detail. It works. We've all had that day where the car keys are still in our hand or our shoes are still on or something.
I also noticed that Bruce Wayne makes eye-contact with people he respects so that you KNOW he respects them. I noticed it most with Lucius Fox and it doesn't hurt that the height difference means Wayne literally has to look up to Fox. I noticed it also with Albert and watching that, I remembered how Bruce Wayne of Batman Forever (1995) did the same with his Albert. I gotta watch those other ones again and see how the different actors portray this aspect ...I honestly thought it was just something Christian Bale (and Val Kilmer) were putting in there, themselves. Jeepers...the things I pursue.
:
I also watched it again because it really wants to be a big screen display. Once they leave theatres...they're probably not a-comin back. If they do, I'll be there.
There were two things I wanted to say; two details that I clearly missed the first time round.
Spoiler Alert: Don't read this post if you haven't seen The Dark Knight and don't like having advanced knowledge.
The only time that Batman goes home to Bruce Wayne's abode and doesn't assimilate back into Jekyll style, is after he loses someone dear in a brutal way. He sits in an armchair overlooking the city with this suit on but mask off. He sits and stares outward, clearly shaken and distracted enough by his distress that he couldn't even disrobe and consider the dangers of sitting exposed in front of his floor-to-ceiling windows. I like that the director thought of this detail. It works. We've all had that day where the car keys are still in our hand or our shoes are still on or something.
I also noticed that Bruce Wayne makes eye-contact with people he respects so that you KNOW he respects them. I noticed it most with Lucius Fox and it doesn't hurt that the height difference means Wayne literally has to look up to Fox. I noticed it also with Albert and watching that, I remembered how Bruce Wayne of Batman Forever (1995) did the same with his Albert. I gotta watch those other ones again and see how the different actors portray this aspect ...I honestly thought it was just something Christian Bale (and Val Kilmer) were putting in there, themselves. Jeepers...the things I pursue.
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