As the text-messaging capabilities of my celly deteriorate further, I feel more and more like I have a bunch of long-distance friendships. It's like waiting til it's 9 o'clock "your time" or letting her call you back because she's got the better plan. Ahh. So restricted.
It's messing me up..I can't read cues and i feel like I'm missing out on people, as if that makes any sense. Obviously, there is something I can do, I just haven't done it yet. I feel like walking into my service provider's shop and saying, "my text messages aren't sending," will make them think I'm full of it. And then they will ask me many questions that I will think are stupid (because they imply that I am stupid) and then they will ask for a $50 deposit for a loaner phone while they send mine away for repairs. Or I'm not covered for repairs. Or I HATE THIS and I have honestly been putting it off for 13 months. Yes, it was late July, 2009 when I first started having problems with texts. I guess that just goes to show that putting things off makes them get better and become easier to deal with. I think that's pretty clear.

:(

You know how it feels to have a secret that you want to tell badly? Or a secret that has a short lifespan (like a first trimester)? Or maybe the empathetic feeling you get while watching someone try to perform a rescue underwater (and it's only when they're done that you realize you've been holding your breath as well)?
Maybe you know the feeling of huge anticipation in the moments before a [your favorite] sporting match begins, being in a screaming, packed-out crowd who can't WAIT for the puck to drop in Game 4 of the finals? It could even be like waiting for the headliner to take the stage at the concert you can't BELIEVE you got tickets to..

Like that.
That's a little bit of how I feel about trying to write today. Something wants me to blog it but I don't know what it is. All day..and for so long. I'm behind. I would that I could journal as well (the one that's by hand and more unfiltered/guarded/limited). Ah. "Nothing is stopping you." You can say it.

It's the WORST kind of writer's block, I think. I think. Uchgh.

agrafeuse

I got out of a difficult meeting about twenty minutes ago and about five minutes ago, I started reading articles and watching videos about last night's Jays game online.

I was still thinking (read: brooding) about the meeting; kicking myself for things I didn't say/do, frustrated that I still feel at a loss for action steps but then as I was watching our batters clock a few and some runners trot across home plate, I felt the level of tension in my body drop off dramatically. You know that half-smile that can show up on your face in the middle of a heated argument with a loved one when someone makes a joke by accident or you inadvertently reminisce on a good time (or "the way things used to be")? That half-smile was showing up in my whole body. I felt a little more relaxed.
And then of course I started to wonder whether this is such a good thing. This is like I'm finding my drug. It's like....comfort food, right? If you gorge every time you get moderately or highly upset, you become obese very quickly. I don't want to be someone who "calms down" by watching baseball. It's too much.
And yet, another part of me is wondering if it's not so bad after all. I didn't go online hoping to make myself feel better, I just wanted to watch a few vids while I ate dinner. Is it OK that I'm being pleasantly distracted by a major American sport? Gosh...I don't want to get so far as escapism.

You know what, readership? If you have an opinion on this topic, please chime in. (Send me an email if you prefer but I'm interested in any kind of input.)

I still need to deal with my woes and I'm obviously not watching vids now (I spent a total of about four minutes on the site) as I'm blogging but I am somewhat concerned because I really felt better very obviously and instantaneously. Not perfect, like everything is resolved but better. Ah. Is it God's mercy? Is it my weakness? Have I built up a dependency on the league/team/sport? Hmmmm.!

I should look out to see what else in my life gives me this kind of relief. I actually felt something similar while I was reading yesterday but that was because the livre had reached its stride and I got sucked into the pages. For the first chapter and a half, I was reading out of 90% discipline and 10% entertainment. It's like doing scales before you play an instrument or stretches before you jog. You know it's worth what's about to come. Side note: I really love hitting that stride in a book when I feel in the back of my mind, "THAT'S why I picked this thing up!" Ahh, good literature. Sweet, sweet literature.

P. Diddy freestyling at the menu.

I had a pseudo-almost-argument with a friend of mine last week over apologies. My friend asked if I had seen something on television and after I clarified a few things I was left to say, "Doesn't ring any bells," which I think in a face-to-face conversation would have more obviously prompted the did-you-see to be described. But it's different with text-messages. After a moment I reflected on my textiquette and wrote, "Sorry - I'm not trying to be short; I'm just at work."

My friend's response, with typical lightning speed: "If you ever apologize to me again we are no longer friends." I think this is funny. I know there is some shred of truth in there, maybe not that it's a deal-breaker but that it is a legitimate preference/request. I would like to say how apologizing is my right, how apologizing is needed when an offense has been committed, how sometimes apologizing means nothing to the recipient but needs to be delivered by the apologizer but, again, this is texting. And I'm supposed to be working. And I know my friend will pish-posh all of that.

Even still, I will not submit...I refuse to say, "OK I will never say 'sorry' again because I want to keep being your friend." Lame. I settle on, "No deal."
A few beats: "It's not an option." This one jolts me slightly as it sounds like maybe someone is in less of a lighthearted mood than I originally thought.

More thinking...I'm still trying to figure out how to distill my views on apologies into something that is both simple enough to fit a text well and also something my friend would understand and even agree with.
My selection: "You're that sure I'll never be wrong again? That's a lotta pressure.." Sure, I am using some rhetoric, but I'm still sincere.
And lightning strikes again: "Lol. I'm sure you'll be wrong again I just don't care. :)"


Huh.


I had a distinct, "huh" moment. I remember exactly where I was standing and what I was doing as I read this and something in my brain bzoing!-ed as I was interpreting the words and then grappling with the concept. At the first, I was shocked by what my friend had written, though it's not particularly out of character. But then my brain started whirring into high gear finding a deeper meaning there.

God knows future offenses & wrongs will occur but He's already over them--He loves us too much. He sees past that. He doesn't dwell. He doesn't wish us to be held back by guilt or mired in hopelessness or self-loathing. "I know you'll sin again, but I don't care. :)" In God's case it's not that sinning is overlooked but that His love remains unwavering and that penitent gymnastics are useless and perhaps, in cases, aggravating.

Sigh. I cherish this little blips of epiphanies that I can find in the most innocuous exchanges or situations. God bless America.

triet XII

I am: happy to be justifiably wearing a hoodie today, August 24th.

I am: very happy to be back in my room for more than 5 minutes and to be able to sleep in my own bed for the first time in 11 days. (I can't believe how much I've missed it.)

I am: an unbelievably grotesque sinner.

a little hard to take.

Earlier today my coworker regaled me with tales of his two most shameful incidents in his life and I was trying to think of what incidents I would give that label to in my life, not so I could reciprocate but for my own knowledge. Nothing comes to mind even now but I'll admit I haven't dug too deeply into my memory bank.

What I can say, however, is that the experience I had less than an hour ago felt both humiliating and embarrassing. It's not the most crushing blow I've ever been dealt...not devastating in a real way at all, just a blow to the pride. Nice guy at a financial institution in town enlightened me on parts of my credit history which I wasn't aware of. It looks bad. It is bad. I'm encouraged to know that all three of the black marks on my record are graying and that there is an end in sight. It will take much longer than I thought BUT THAT IS OK.

He says, "Basically, credit is very easy to mess up and really hard to get back." I know this. I am unbelievably familiar with this principle. It's like how much easier it is to smash a vase than it is to piece it back together.

The principle stands. It makes great sense. And when he looked me in the face explaining this (it stood out because he was mostly looking at his computer ..and down his nose) something in me leapt with delight because of the fantastic parallel to sin & righteousness. How easy it is to sleep with another man and how hard to patch up your marriage. How easy it is to be an hour late for your daughter's school play and how difficult to win her trust back. (I need an example that applies to me but I can't think of one yet.)

While I am a huge fan of the you-reap-what-you-sow principle I am also a huge fan of grace and I think it's fantastic that while righteousness is something we need to slug away at day after day after day after day, we are still shown impartial unmerited favor. And I like that at the Cross our ledger is wiped clean; that we owe nothing for the errors and arrears of the past.

O to grace how great a debtor
Daily I'm constrained to be!
Let Thy goodness, like a fetter,
Bind my wandering heart to Thee:
Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it,
Prone to leave the God I love;
Here's my heart, O take and seal it;
Seal it for Thy courts above.

Swindoll, Charles R., Ed. "Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing. " The Hymnal for Worship & Celebration. Robert Robinson; adapted by Margaret Clarkson. Waco, Texas: Word Music, 1986.

something welling up within.

Last week I overheard parts of a conversation in a coffee shop that eventually made me recognize the yearning I was feeling within was toward initiative evangelism. I'm not talking about sharing tracts with strangers but about being bold in the faith. Being ready to answer questions, wearing the spiritual heart on the sleeve, having REAL conversations with people.

My eavesdropping victims were talking about what it means to cheat or to be "unfaithful". In the course of the hour or so that they talked, they convinced themselves more and more that faithfulness is a social construct that we don't need. The guy said, "Instead of real, mature relationships, we say, 'I'm gonna be faithful to you forever'." What even in the heck does that mean?? Ugh. Horrifying. In the particular situation they were discussing, they established that it was OK for this woman to make out with a guy she met at a club while she was already in a dating relationship because her boyfriend had been a jerk lately. She was saying that she felt guilty but didn't know why or felt guilty and didn't want to.

Man, I was getting increasingly angry and saddened by what I was listening to. No moral compass..or moral help...or no openness to God's precepts. Sigh.
I thought, for the first time in a long time, "I would like to tackle that topic. I would like to jump right into the midst of that conversation." I've been shying away from the tough topics a LOT lately.

Tonight a server at a coffee shop who knows me as a regular told me that he was reading the same book as me. I had the Bibs open. I am not a huge fan of that shop (as I used to be) because I have just lost a taste for their merchandise. But now I am so pumped about going back and getting into a spiritualesque conversation with him. The way he spoke of the Book, he sounded like he was a Philosophy major or he studies "World Religions". He called it "interesting" and seemed to like the OT which makes my preliminary conclusion that he respects it as a "religious text" and doesn't necessarily know the God who wrote it. That's cool. I'll take that open door, yes I will.

This afternoon I watched The Book of Eli (2010) and I was really very shocked, moved and impressed. I...am shocked that the film was made. I adore much of the sentiment of it. I was jaw-droppingly fascinated for a heavy portion of it (both for action scenes and for the assertions of the plot) and it made me think deeply about important things (that's art, baby!).
I realized how I don't value the Bible as highly as I could. I realized how pampered I am and how easily I could be thrown off-kilter by great loss. I feel I was challenged to see the Scriptures as precious. I feel ashamed that I do not make time to read them every day. I feel so very ashamed of this and heart-broken that I can't go back into what must be thousands of days that I've missed and fill in the gaps.
It's not about missing what God might have said to me 12th May, 2004 but about my indifference, laziness, and mostly lack of reverence & respect. Wow. I should like to see that film again, and probably just own a copy of it.

"The Other Guys" (2010) continued...

-I wanted to also say that Mark Wahlberg's place in a Will Ferrell movie was not very well received by our audience at all. I couldn't quite figure out what was going on but for now I'm going to chalk it up to familiarity. He said and did things that were funny but we're not used to it. He's supposed to be an action star, bad-ass and of few words. Will Ferrell got huge laughs that only an audience that likes his brand (the same way others like the Adam Sandler or Ben Stiller brands) can laugh. It was actually pretty cool. But I felt bad for Wahlby because I assume he was put in the film because Will Ferrell looks up to him and it's supposed to be one of those totally unexpected roles that you only get a few of in your career without looking like you've totally turned to another trend. I'm sure I need an example to back this up.

-Other thing: during the closing credits there were animated stats and graphs being shown featuring the current financial issues of the US and the world, compared to two years ago and compared to the 1950s and all sorts of interesting stuff and it blew me away. I don't want to get into it lest I spoil more but it really brought to a head all the off-hand but suspiciously sincere satirical comments sprinkled throughout the film. It looks like it was made for/dedicated to the little guy, to the average man. It's really very interesting to me. It's like a tribute. I want to watch it again..and I want to know how it's generally been received.

--Maybe an example to fit with my last statement from point one is Tom Cruise's role in Tropic Thunder (2008). Who knows? I thought Robert De Niro maybe would be a fitting example for Analyze This (1999) but then he went and made its sequel (2002), and Meet the Parents (2000) and its sequel (2004) - though for him the novelty actually hasn't worn off. We should throw Stardust (2007) in that mix, though I consider it to stand alone slightly, and I should point out that I don't know De Niro's career very well.

who doesn't love drunken texts?

I wasn't on guard, just a moment ago, and I almost cared about golf. Phew. Caught myself in time.
I feel really very sad for Tiger Woods. I can't imagine what kind of pressure he's under and what kind of pain he's feeling. I can't wait for this junk to be over.

I'm honestly pretty sad that Chris Chelios is retiring. (I didn't know he was 48, though, wow!) On the plus side, turns out he isn't tone-deaf and that is great.

I got up at 6.41 this morning. It's 3.36 now. I am tired.

I have been pumped up to see The Other Guys (2010) for several weeks. Soon as I saw the main cast (Will Ferrell, Mark Wahlberg, Sammy J and The Rock) and got the gist of what the film was about, I wrote the opening day on my calendar. The ads have come on quite frequently but I faithfully hit "mute" and turn away from the tele every time because I'm tired of having plots ruined and punchlines ground into the dirt.
I even watched most of an interview with Michael Keaton by David Letterman, rapt with attention, up until they wanted to show a clip with him and then I changed the channel.

Anyways - today was opening day and I was there for the 10 o'clock show. It was good.
I thoroughly enjoyed the cameos and Michael Keaton's really was something amazing. There was a scene where I lapsed into my conception of him as Betelgeuse and it was great - I take it to mean he's in very good form.
First cameo was Derek Jeter whose showing up made me gasp in deep surprize and some delight. I was confused, though, by the fact that the audience needed to be told who he was and only responded after, "Dude - I'm Derek Jeter!" was exclaimed.
I want to comment further on this but I'll be spoiling the plot even more than I already have. Suffice to say, I enjoyed getting a blip of baseball in a comedy flick (the MLB is turning into a kind of drug for me and I'm trying to wean right now; couldn't believe the sigh I released when tonight's game started on the radio - I didn't know I had been missing it!) but what's more, I enjoyed finding out that I'm enough into the league that other jokes made more sense to me than they seemed to to the rest of a Guelph, Ontario audience. To be expected, I guess.

I am wondering about the choice to omit F-bombs. In one way it worked, because it actually removed a distraction (for the audience in general, I mean) but in another way it didn't work for the few characters who would have needed it to show their hardness or for the few who needed to lash out and show character development and/or a stress response.

Overall it was good but NOT as good as expected. Maybe I'm not making myself clear about how much I was pumped up. 1) for the flick, 2) for Wahlberg (it's been a while since I saw him in a newbie), 3) for Sammy J, 4) for The Rock who I have enjoyed all the big-screen roles I've seen him in (I haven't seen "Tooth Fairy", please know), 4) sometimes big-cast movies work out. Also I like cop/action films most days.

Parts of the Jeter thread made me realize that we don't rally like New Yorkers. Of course I'm geographically closer to that city, I listen and I have been observing American culture all my life so I get what was being explained that we certainly don't have in Guelph but neither do we have it in Toronto...and possibly even Canada. In the car home I remarked that we're not even cohesive enough as a city to be able to rally behind something, nevermind I something to rally behind. I'd like to think on this more and come back.
My eyelids are too heavy.

getting quotatious

(1) My brother called me from work the other day. I saw "HOME DEPOT" on my Call-Display so I decided to pretend I was a customer.
I opened with, "Uh, yeah - do you guys have any three-by-fours?"
He says, "Yep. It's seven packages per pound. [beat] Come in and I'll give you a free snail."

(2) I over heard a young boy playing Rock, Paper, Scissors with this older brother. To start the first round he said, "rock, paper, Jesus!" I really wish I had seen what hand signal he me made to represent the Savior. hahaha
Then it was, "rock, paper, cannonball," which I can only assume was him making a fist with two hands and trying to blow everything else out of the water. It wasn't til later I realized he wasn't yelling random things but trying to figure out what would be unbeatable in the game.
The final one, before his brother reminded him of the game's limits with typical older brother annoyance, was, "rock, paper, alien-Jesus!!"

little known fact:

Jesus was a free-runner.

Proverbs 18:29b - "with my God I can scale a wall."

some kinda day

Colbert was stringing someone out (I should know the name but I don't) for spending the tax payers' money which was designated for the Department of Defense (i.e. for protecting the troops; he mentioned shoddy bullet-proof vests) on personal things like a face lift for his wife, pornography for his son and prostitutes for his employees, as the
"Alpha Dog of the Week". The man, who I previously knew nothing about, was steadily being painted as increasingly horrible and vile for the things he has done, the lengths he's gone to and the amount of people who have been corrupted to help build his nasty empire.
What shocked me most, though, was the look of genuine contempt that came across Stephen's face when he reached the pinnacle of his rant. My goodness. I have respect for that. At the beginning of the rant, when he first said "the troops" I heard that his exaggerated hyper-patriotic propaganda/oration/prosthletizing over the past five years is rooted in something sincere and very close to his heart. I had no idea. He was utterly disgusted and it showed. I'm fascinated.

triet XI

(1) Strange: today is the first time I had a strong urge to watch a Schwartzenegger film. I like some of them and I have wanted to watch specific films, but not wanted to watch a Schwartz film like it's a genre -- like you might say about Bruce Willis or Will Smith, both of which I've experienced on occasion. (Sometimes I'm in a DiCaprio mood.)

(2) Fortuitous!: seeing "(1996) Eraser" on the TV Guide starting about 45 minutes after I had the above urge. :D I said, "Yes. Yes! YES," aloud to myself when I read it and silently thanked God. (I wasn't sure if I should thank Him but I actually think it's OK. I wanted to chill out tonight and specifically wanted to kickback with a flick. I wanted something I hadn't seen but I can't afford to rent today ...so this is nice. Also it actually looks pretty clean so far which makes me think I really can credit God.)

(3) Mystifying: I do think that at some point in my lifetime I will discharge a firearm (but I don't have too many ideas about the context).

Mini-Series: Jesus in Real Life (2/3)

I was watching SpongeBob Squarepants the other week and SB and Patrick are hanging out doing their silly-ish things one day when a rando fish comes up in a regal-looking carriage, dressed in some swank butler-esque suit. Reading from a scroll and speaking with an English accent, he informs Patrick that he is descended of royalty and gives the starfish a crown, cape and scepter.

Patrick doesn't fully understand what this should mean to him (Patrick isn't very smart/competent/observant/consistent) but SpongeBob handily explains that kings get to do whatever they want. In no time SB is dressed as a page and giving examples of how Patrick could utilize his new-found position and power. Patrick eventually gets the hang of it and starts to enjoy exploiting the authority he seems to be entitled to.

But before the meat of the story got rolling, a bothersome question jumped into my mind when the posh messenger was unfurling his scroll. On telling Patrick he was a king, my immediate response was, "a king of where?" Then when Sbob is telling Patrick he can order any of the seapeople about, I am thinking, "Is he even king of this area?" They shouldn't have to bow to him unless he's king of Bikini Bottom.

Me, I don't submit to the crown in Brunei or the President of Germany or whoever else isn't in power in Canada/Ontario/Guelph (and maybe also the Queen of England?) -- unless I'm on their soil. It's funny to me how in one place Person X commands ultimate allegiance and obedience but in a different place maybe they might hold no authority whatsoever.


The moment after I questioned the plot in the cartoon, with mild annoyance, I registered the phrase "King of Kings" and was hushed in awe.
He's King over every king. His jurisdiction encompasses all of their jurisdictions. He says, "jump," and every ruler on Earth begs, "how high??"
KING OF KINGS. It means much to me now, with this understanding.

In the cartoon, all those fish-people could have said, "You have no power over me," [cf. Labyrinth (1986) haha] - and I wanted them to - because they weren't subjects of his kingdom. But WOW, the King of Kings. His kingdom is.....partout.

(1) I had a crappy sleep last night and I feel like I should mention it because crappy sleeps are extremely rare for me and I don't think that's something most people can boast.
Yes, it seemed to be a combo of not being tired enough (that's also rare these days but I did sleep ten hours the night before), being in a bed that was a mite too short, being unsure of whether I was too cold or too hot, and keeping too much on my mind as I was trying to doze.

(2) Someone called me "a star" today in a way I haven't heard in a long time. It was peculiar and seemed out of character from this person. I donno what to make of it but I do understand it was a compliment.

(3) It bothers me that I feel behind on my blog...and it bothers me more that I can't find the notes I made for posts I wanted to write.