There is a glitch in the system. I am finding an inaccurate/illogical connection between L and E that results in some pretty ugly & depressing feelings.
I see and I do not understand. I observe but I am not pleased.
Perhaps I lean too heavily on L (my favorite - it works!), so much so that I do not know how to work with E. I am not very fluent in its language though we can get by for day-to-day communication. Now, I find myself immersed.
I find that something around here smells uncannily like rejection. No, worse - it smells like apathy. I cannot handle this. My reaction is to run in the other direction promising, "I shall never return or even look back." The know-it-alls in the back of my head offer, "You say that every time.." ... and then I turn around when things look OK. I often say I will never allow myself to become involved/attached to the same degree so that I can get hurt again but, E is too tricky for me and I cannot find L when I need it. L becomes my second language of limited acquaintance.
What do I do now? There is nothing good that I can do/seek out by means of a remedy. I feel rejected by everyone but I know the most important Person has accepted me and this should be enough. E... you lie.
What can I say? For serious... I think that the "I want to crawl into a hole and hide from the world" theory is
I can't talk. I don't want sympathy. I can't hide, I can't go through the motions. Je suis stuck.
...the theory sounds like poppycock but right now it is a PERFECT fit.
Thursday, 26 January 2006
Wednesday, 25 January 2006
siftingsorting
I am trying to clean up my life (in a very literal/physical fashion). Therefore, here I am expanding on these words scrawled on the back of a toy store receipt.
"I found the ugliest one!"
"Where?!"
"All of them." [21/01/06:)]
My grandmother and I were working on a puzzle that depticted about 15 nutcrackers (all very different) on a wooden shelving unit. There were three rows of them and and one oversized ("massively scary" is how I describe it) one at the forefront, stealing the show. I chose the puzzle (from about 10 - 12 options) because I found it (a) relatively easy [she has this crazy 500-piece "Hay in a Needle-stack" one that has been around for years because no one has been daring enough to try it] and (b) supremely ugly. I have a sick fascination for ugly things. I do not want to discuss it because, if I understood it, it would not be so great. During the first two hours that we worked we discussed the puzzle in a very sporadic way and I exclaimed about the ugliness as much as possible because I found it both overwhelming and excessively humorous. She either laughed or made some non-commital response but never actually agreed. After a while, we stopped talking about other things in life and about the puzzle and we worked like dogs (the working kind). Out of the blizzle-oo, my Nana says, "I found the ugliest one!" quite quickly but not exactly triumphantly. I exploded with surprize - partly because it had broken the silence - largely because grandmothers do not say things like this. Grandmothers never use derogatory words like "ugly"; they are reserved for callous young jerks like myself. I use the word "just" too much. Anyways, after I had recovered from the shock and stopped my almost nervous giggling, I said, "Where?" because I was genuinely excited to see who she had given the crown to. With the kind of overlap you usually get when someone is "admitting" defeat - i.e. the "Are you sure you don't want t--" / "FINE: I'll do it.." scenario - she busted in with, "All of them," and I simply lost it. Oh, the hilarity. OK, firstly, that does not even make sense. Secondly, it seemed like she had planned that response OR that she was acting like she had planned the response when she clearly had not in a sort of "YES. I WAS PLANNING THAT ALL ALONG (but I really I wasn't)" stage whisper kind of way. Thirdly, if she meant it precisely the way it came out - planned or not - that is pure comedic gold (good formula). And finally, her tone smacked of (mock) disgust/resignation in the same way that a hurried "It-was-terrible" response comes on the heels of "How was your day?", quite abruptly telling all (sounding like there is simply too much to tell) and effectively killing the subject ("... and I don't wanna talk about it."). In that moment, my grandmother reminded me very much of a Montreal Project Guelphite friend of mind, so much so that I was like... having conniptions. Serious. I get a kick out of people who make their living selling my brand of humor. I could put their kids through college.
Go to bed.
"I found the ugliest one!"
"Where?!"
"All of them." [21/01/06:)]
My grandmother and I were working on a puzzle that depticted about 15 nutcrackers (all very different) on a wooden shelving unit. There were three rows of them and and one oversized ("massively scary" is how I describe it) one at the forefront, stealing the show. I chose the puzzle (from about 10 - 12 options) because I found it (a) relatively easy [she has this crazy 500-piece "Hay in a Needle-stack" one that has been around for years because no one has been daring enough to try it] and (b) supremely ugly. I have a sick fascination for ugly things. I do not want to discuss it because, if I understood it, it would not be so great. During the first two hours that we worked we discussed the puzzle in a very sporadic way and I exclaimed about the ugliness as much as possible because I found it both overwhelming and excessively humorous. She either laughed or made some non-commital response but never actually agreed. After a while, we stopped talking about other things in life and about the puzzle and we worked like dogs (the working kind). Out of the blizzle-oo, my Nana says, "I found the ugliest one!" quite quickly but not exactly triumphantly. I exploded with surprize - partly because it had broken the silence - largely because grandmothers do not say things like this. Grandmothers never use derogatory words like "ugly"; they are reserved for callous young jerks like myself. I use the word "just" too much. Anyways, after I had recovered from the shock and stopped my almost nervous giggling, I said, "Where?" because I was genuinely excited to see who she had given the crown to. With the kind of overlap you usually get when someone is "admitting" defeat - i.e. the "Are you sure you don't want t--" / "FINE: I'll do it.." scenario - she busted in with, "All of them," and I simply lost it. Oh, the hilarity. OK, firstly, that does not even make sense. Secondly, it seemed like she had planned that response OR that she was acting like she had planned the response when she clearly had not in a sort of "YES. I WAS PLANNING THAT ALL ALONG (but I really I wasn't)" stage whisper kind of way. Thirdly, if she meant it precisely the way it came out - planned or not - that is pure comedic gold (good formula). And finally, her tone smacked of (mock) disgust/resignation in the same way that a hurried "It-was-terrible" response comes on the heels of "How was your day?", quite abruptly telling all (sounding like there is simply too much to tell) and effectively killing the subject ("... and I don't wanna talk about it."). In that moment, my grandmother reminded me very much of a Montreal Project Guelphite friend of mind, so much so that I was like... having conniptions. Serious. I get a kick out of people who make their living selling my brand of humor. I could put their kids through college.
Go to bed.
Tuesday, 24 January 2006
reminded
How are we - mere mortals and ambassadors of Christ - supposed to compete with the forces of evil? This is the most unfair fight in the history of time. You might not even call it a "fight" but a "whoopin" or something. The knowledge that a loss (before the first round is out) is certain makes me uneasy and queasy about the subject. Realistically, Satan never had a chance.
Monday, 23 January 2006
observing: music
Chris Tomlin makes a beautiful marriage of consonance. This is what I have discovered having listened to one of his discs fairly often in the past month or so.
I find something disturbingly euphoric in the way he presents his music.
I find something disturbingly euphoric in the way he presents his music.
Saturday, 21 January 2006
Wednesday, 18 January 2006
crap and the big C
I think my life is dying in the wilderness. I think I do not know what I am doing. Sometimes I think I am illiterate because I have made at least one mistake in each of the three sentences I just typed.
Here is what Stephen Colbert had to say this evening...
He was talking about a law in Oregon that says doctors who allow patients to die (on their request) are not performing illegal activity and how disgusted he was with this acceptance of assisted suicide. He says, "If God wanted people to die, He would send ... bloodclots. I know these are people with terminal illnesses but, as Jesus said, 'walk it off.'"
I fell off the couch when I heard this, mostly out of shock but partially because I could not deal with the hilarity. I should be doing schoolwork right now but my motivation died like my childhood spirit. I'm just kidding. I never had a childhood spirit. Anyways, Colby's kinda funny and kinda sketchy. I appreciate that quote, though because, well, that's basically the way these Biblical accounts appear to us (or perhaps just me). "What's that? You have been crippled since birth? Ah, don't let that bother you. Just stand up and take a stroll around the room, get that blood flowing and those muscles working..." Something about the paltry capacity of the human brain to understand the simplest miracles of the Living God is delightfully amazing to me. Thanks, Colb, for drawing me into reverence again.
Here is what Stephen Colbert had to say this evening...
He was talking about a law in Oregon that says doctors who allow patients to die (on their request) are not performing illegal activity and how disgusted he was with this acceptance of assisted suicide. He says, "If God wanted people to die, He would send ... bloodclots. I know these are people with terminal illnesses but, as Jesus said, 'walk it off.'"
I fell off the couch when I heard this, mostly out of shock but partially because I could not deal with the hilarity. I should be doing schoolwork right now but my motivation died like my childhood spirit. I'm just kidding. I never had a childhood spirit. Anyways, Colby's kinda funny and kinda sketchy. I appreciate that quote, though because, well, that's basically the way these Biblical accounts appear to us (or perhaps just me). "What's that? You have been crippled since birth? Ah, don't let that bother you. Just stand up and take a stroll around the room, get that blood flowing and those muscles working..." Something about the paltry capacity of the human brain to understand the simplest miracles of the Living God is delightfully amazing to me. Thanks, Colb, for drawing me into reverence again.
Sunday, 15 January 2006
a question pseudo answered
I have often wondered if God created us to appreciate beauty or if beauty simply is what it is and we have no choice but to apprecite it. Watching March of the Penguins this evening, I wondered, why did God make these things so beautiful and I remembered Psalm 19:1 -- The heavens declare the glory of God; the skies proclaim the work of his hands. These things are beautiful because they reflect God's beauty.
Saturday, 14 January 2006
an excerpt (3)
From another email I wrote:
This is something else that I found fascinating (more so, the more I wrote) and encouraging in a way.
"Guilt and conviction are both motivators for improvement, right? Guilt incites us to act so we will not feel bad, while conviction incites us to act so we will do what is right. One is much more selfish I think (it's about us not having something hanging over our head and less about the actual behavior) and based on feelings while the other is likely to make us feel worse initially when we yield (and [feel] amazing, shortly after, of course) and is based more on character or morals. Here's an example from my life-o. I watched a video created by PETA [People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals] that contained much jarring footage, designed to make the consumer aware of how their food is prepared. I saw piglets held to the floor by [their neck under] someone's boot while they were shot in the skull with a bolt gun; I saw another animal (prolly a pig or chicken) being swung by its legs, slammed into the floor for some unknown reason [(a cost-efficient death)]; I saw chickens de-beaked (but was told later that this is actually a painless process); I saw the chickens that never left captivity (the perhaps 2x2' cage with several other birds in), I saw their brogen legs that could not support overfed abdomens; I saw a duck's neck being pushed onto a long tube to force-feed it until the liver was big enough (three times the normal size) to be fois gras; I saw a skin-and-bones, bruised, crippled cow wobble and stumble onto a truck for slaughter and I saw pigs suspended by a leg having their throats slit (and the ensuing struggle) and their screams honestly sounded like a child's. The first thing I thought when it was over was that I could never buy or cook animal products for other people. Especially for my brother, that is something I would on-and-off do. It's my heart, my ministry ... so normally I do my best to avoid animal stuff but give in if it will work for someone else. But here, after this video, nonononono, I would NOT be able to support the industry in any way. That weekend, in fact, I bought my brother organic milk and free-run eggs for the first (and last time). I told a couple of people about that video (not [to preach] but it was what I centred my "how was your weekend?"answers around). Eventually, however, I discovered that my will was weak. Feeding people is [what I do], so being restricted in that is a bit saddening or frustrating. Eventually, within a month, I [resumed] buying pizzas or chocolates for whatever reason thinking, "I care more about how I treat this person than I do about my convictions." Something I discovered while discussing the video and my new resolutions with [a friend] was that conviction, like vision, needs no convincing. If it is what you stand for, there is no WAY you will waver. If it is guilt or just mental assent, then you will struggle with it always (and perhaps cheat a bit) and be forced to recall graphic images or whatever to remind yourself why you are doing what you are doing. This was a good lesson, methinks."
[email recipient, again, let me know]
This is something else that I found fascinating (more so, the more I wrote) and encouraging in a way.
"Guilt and conviction are both motivators for improvement, right? Guilt incites us to act so we will not feel bad, while conviction incites us to act so we will do what is right. One is much more selfish I think (it's about us not having something hanging over our head and less about the actual behavior) and based on feelings while the other is likely to make us feel worse initially when we yield (and [feel] amazing, shortly after, of course) and is based more on character or morals. Here's an example from my life-o. I watched a video created by PETA [People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals] that contained much jarring footage, designed to make the consumer aware of how their food is prepared. I saw piglets held to the floor by [their neck under] someone's boot while they were shot in the skull with a bolt gun; I saw another animal (prolly a pig or chicken) being swung by its legs, slammed into the floor for some unknown reason [(a cost-efficient death)]; I saw chickens de-beaked (but was told later that this is actually a painless process); I saw the chickens that never left captivity (the perhaps 2x2' cage with several other birds in), I saw their brogen legs that could not support overfed abdomens; I saw a duck's neck being pushed onto a long tube to force-feed it until the liver was big enough (three times the normal size) to be fois gras; I saw a skin-and-bones, bruised, crippled cow wobble and stumble onto a truck for slaughter and I saw pigs suspended by a leg having their throats slit (and the ensuing struggle) and their screams honestly sounded like a child's. The first thing I thought when it was over was that I could never buy or cook animal products for other people. Especially for my brother, that is something I would on-and-off do. It's my heart, my ministry ... so normally I do my best to avoid animal stuff but give in if it will work for someone else. But here, after this video, nonononono, I would NOT be able to support the industry in any way. That weekend, in fact, I bought my brother organic milk and free-run eggs for the first (and last time). I told a couple of people about that video (not [to preach] but it was what I centred my "how was your weekend?"answers around). Eventually, however, I discovered that my will was weak. Feeding people is [what I do], so being restricted in that is a bit saddening or frustrating. Eventually, within a month, I [resumed] buying pizzas or chocolates for whatever reason thinking, "I care more about how I treat this person than I do about my convictions." Something I discovered while discussing the video and my new resolutions with [a friend] was that conviction, like vision, needs no convincing. If it is what you stand for, there is no WAY you will waver. If it is guilt or just mental assent, then you will struggle with it always (and perhaps cheat a bit) and be forced to recall graphic images or whatever to remind yourself why you are doing what you are doing. This was a good lesson, methinks."
[email recipient, again, let me know]
an excerpt (2)
Exerpts from an email I wrote:
"Although it is right to pray with God's will, that does not mean we can only pray if we know what God's will is. If you are not getting a clear answer about something or if a situation is not changing before your eyes, that doesnot mean your prayers are incorrect, too short or insincere. It means that God is sovereign.
"How is it better to neglect the most important person in your life than to drop the things that feel more pressing? This is just like tithing, I think. You can either give back to God 10% of what He gave you and have 90% of your resources blessed, or you can keep all 100% and have it all cursed. It is such a harsh reality and I meet it way too many times. We somehow think that we can make good with what He gives us (waving Him off - as if He's a pesky mother - with our careless hand, back turned) as we furiously try to work a mass of Popsicle sticks and glue into a sturdy cabin so we can turn and proudly display the crooked, dripping creation. I do this all the time. I try to perfect my family life, or my ministry without actually consulting God so I can say, "Look what I did!!" and get His approval. Making us co-heirs with Christ is probably the best approval we'll ever get and it is complete and irrevokable. Yet still, it is as if I wish to EARN His favor ([a concept] not too different from trying to earn salvaition). This is almost like refusing grace. Wow.. that's yea. We almost think, 'God, you just don't understand! My professor's going to kill me if I don't finish this such&such..' as if He didn't create the professor, the such&such and our entire lives."
I posted these two things because they carried a sort of mild rebuke for me as they appeared on my screen, the second more than the first. I have a terrible habit of trying to separate areas of my life: "Things I Trust God Completely For", "Things God & I work on Together" and "Things I do and Hope God is OK With". I am not entirely sure what percentage of my life each category holds, but I know that the third one should not exist. I just tried to do it a minute ago, thinking about quaternary studies (or post-post-secondary or post-tertiary).
[email recipient, if you do not like this post, let me know]
"Although it is right to pray with God's will, that does not mean we can only pray if we know what God's will is. If you are not getting a clear answer about something or if a situation is not changing before your eyes, that doesnot mean your prayers are incorrect, too short or insincere. It means that God is sovereign.
"How is it better to neglect the most important person in your life than to drop the things that feel more pressing? This is just like tithing, I think. You can either give back to God 10% of what He gave you and have 90% of your resources blessed, or you can keep all 100% and have it all cursed. It is such a harsh reality and I meet it way too many times. We somehow think that we can make good with what He gives us (waving Him off - as if He's a pesky mother - with our careless hand, back turned) as we furiously try to work a mass of Popsicle sticks and glue into a sturdy cabin so we can turn and proudly display the crooked, dripping creation. I do this all the time. I try to perfect my family life, or my ministry without actually consulting God so I can say, "Look what I did!!" and get His approval. Making us co-heirs with Christ is probably the best approval we'll ever get and it is complete and irrevokable. Yet still, it is as if I wish to EARN His favor ([a concept] not too different from trying to earn salvaition). This is almost like refusing grace. Wow.. that's yea. We almost think, 'God, you just don't understand! My professor's going to kill me if I don't finish this such&such..' as if He didn't create the professor, the such&such and our entire lives."
I posted these two things because they carried a sort of mild rebuke for me as they appeared on my screen, the second more than the first. I have a terrible habit of trying to separate areas of my life: "Things I Trust God Completely For", "Things God & I work on Together" and "Things I do and Hope God is OK With". I am not entirely sure what percentage of my life each category holds, but I know that the third one should not exist. I just tried to do it a minute ago, thinking about quaternary studies (or post-post-secondary or post-tertiary).
[email recipient, if you do not like this post, let me know]
an antitdote
For those moments in which you are considering whom to be loyal to remember: Satan didn't die for you.
Friday, 13 January 2006
music
God-music has a strange way of drawing me into euphoria. I do not even know how to explain it. It is moments like these (I have headphones on at present) that make me think I should invest more money in discs that make me say, "OK, OK, God, You are more magnificent than I could ever understand or be worthy of." Then again, should a plastic circle and electricity be necessary for me to feel that way? One thought I have to counter that is that music speaks more to me than it does to others given my natural bent and skills.
The feeling is almost like that rendered when flying. There is much freedom and an overwhelming sense that anything is possible.
All this from consonance and creativity.
The feeling is almost like that rendered when flying. There is much freedom and an overwhelming sense that anything is possible.
All this from consonance and creativity.
my random jumble
I had such a great day to-day that I don't even want to write the details of it because that would probably destroy the majesty. Let's just put it this way: I have been blessed so immensely by God that I do not even know what to do. For my morning, the only downfall was that I did not put enough granola in my breakfast. Ahh, how lovely.
The afternoon was great, too. I had a nice French class (the T.A. is lovely) I mailed some letters, bought a book and some other stationary supplies I needed and wow, it makes me feel awesome. It has a sort of cleansing effect, running errands and having a productive day.
What else? I had a great time with my discipler this afternoon and I think some of the stuff she told me will help me to be a better leader. I wonder about Campus Crusade for Christ sometimes, I seriously do. What can I say? I feel like I do not do enough. In fact, I have almost never felt like I do enough there. This deserves more p/thought.
--
Here is a quote from my dear, wheaty friend, said in a hurried, excited tone with giggles interjected:
"Hey, you wanna hear someting else funny? Well, it's not really that funny--and I forgot what I was going to say so nevermind!"
(All of that was said in less than four seconds flat.)
--
I have never thought much of the stars,
Not as a little girl wishing for princesshood,
Nor as a teenager pining my problems into oblivion.
I have had several deep, close conversations with a man
About life, God and music... and the friendship flourished.
When the crunching of frosted grass underfoot stopped and
Two "wow"s silently escaped our mouths as foggy billows, I saw.
The tiny blue twinklers, the reflective white orb and the gaping blackness as the romantic cliche I had never liked or understood and now I cannot look at the sky the same way again.
The afternoon was great, too. I had a nice French class (the T.A. is lovely) I mailed some letters, bought a book and some other stationary supplies I needed and wow, it makes me feel awesome. It has a sort of cleansing effect, running errands and having a productive day.
What else? I had a great time with my discipler this afternoon and I think some of the stuff she told me will help me to be a better leader. I wonder about Campus Crusade for Christ sometimes, I seriously do. What can I say? I feel like I do not do enough. In fact, I have almost never felt like I do enough there. This deserves more p/thought.
--
Here is a quote from my dear, wheaty friend, said in a hurried, excited tone with giggles interjected:
"Hey, you wanna hear someting else funny? Well, it's not really that funny--and I forgot what I was going to say so nevermind!"
(All of that was said in less than four seconds flat.)
--
I have never thought much of the stars,
Not as a little girl wishing for princesshood,
Nor as a teenager pining my problems into oblivion.
I have had several deep, close conversations with a man
About life, God and music... and the friendship flourished.
When the crunching of frosted grass underfoot stopped and
Two "wow"s silently escaped our mouths as foggy billows, I saw.
The tiny blue twinklers, the reflective white orb and the gaping blackness as the romantic cliche I had never liked or understood and now I cannot look at the sky the same way again.
Tuesday, 10 January 2006
Monday, 9 January 2006
"The Delicate Balance"
Thought of yester eve: God hates sin but He loves man. I need to model that. This is what I see in the John 4 story about the woman at the well, and this is good clarification. I wonder how God keeps us accountable to our sin if He hates it and loves us. It's not like sins occur and attach themselves to men. (see James 1:14) Anyways, my real epiphany was this: the delicate balance of these two truths is the cause and the expression of the Cross.
05/01/06:)
05/01/06:)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
